I’ve lost haven’t I? He’s got what he wanted

[CatLadyToddlerMother]

On Sunday afternoon I was attacked by my husband and he threatened to kill me.

On the advise of the police I left my home with my DD who played two foot from us when this happened.

And I haven’t been back. Because he has. And it doesn’t feel fair. The tenancy is in joint names so he can’t be evicted, and he has the legal right to live there. He won’t sign the form to have his name taken off the tenancy so I can move in.

I’m trying to get an occupancy order but a solicitor won’t act until I can prove I’m entitled to Legal Aid, which I can’t as all my benefits letters are at my flat which I’ve been advised not to go back to by the Housing Association and the Police - I don’t work as DD has a few extra needs so claims DLA and CTC which is my entitlement to LA. I’m waiting for Women’s Aid to assign me a Support Worker so I can prove it another way but they’ve told me as I’m not in immediate danger it could take up to 3 weeks. The housing association have no legal obligation to house DD and I while my name is on that tenancy, and if I sign my name off the tenancy they can place me anywhere in the county which takes me away from my mum and brother (I’m living there atm) who are my biggest support at the moment.

I feel like I’ve lost. He gets to break the law, and still wins. I can’t go out on my own because I’m so scared, I tried to get to DDs Nursery alone yesterday morning and got a quarter of the way and had to call them saying I couldn’t get any further. They were lovely and bought the Nursery car and a car seat and took us both to the Nursery but walking back alone I was shaking and it took ages to get home. My mum had to pick DD up from Nursery.

It’s so unfair. I can’t live like this for another month. My DDs got no toys or clothes, and I feel guilty using my mums bread and milk and food when she’s on a low income herself. I just want to go home.

He’s won hasn’t he? I’m up shit creek without a paddle, still liable for a flat I don’t live in and have no money or clothes.

I feel like such a crap mum, I’ve let my DD down, has I ignored the police and stayed home he wouldn’t have been allowed back and then he’d have had to have tried to get me out which with me having DD would have been hard for him to do.

And I’m so worried he’s going to petition the courts for access to our DD, I don’t like her being out of my sight atm but I know he’s her dad and I can’t stop him seeing her (I never would but I just want time to get my head together and have a home)

I'm by no means trying to scare you OP.... but just please be careful his Mother doesn't make wild accusations of further abuse over this accident... especially as you've just been through an interrogation just a few days ago... this might be the information She has been waiting for to demand they/DP take full custody in the short term until investigations are completed...

Just be aware that there are many reasons why an Abuser suddenly can appear reasonable... because they have an ulterior motive ..

Hope the contact goes well tomorrow

Not sure if it helps, but CMS have links on their website where you can download forms for you and your H to both fill in with an agreed amount, dates and frequency of payments etc. There is also advice on how to approach the subject and come to an agreement.
Not sure if you need it or have seen it but I can find the links if you want them.
If he fills in the form with an amount and doesn’t stick to it, you can take action. Otherwise, if he ever stops paying, or pays less, he could just say that you never agreed on an amount.

You still don’t have to physically meet to discuss it.

I don't trust him or his family one bit. He's being reasonable to get what he wants.

Any discussion should be done via email, so you have a paper trail, there's no need to see him.

Be VERY wary.

I'm going to take the form flubdub suggested the "Family-Based Arrangement" form and get him to sign it. I will try and get him to agree it all over text as well before I get there.

Remember Cat, when someone talks to you and asks for something, it's always the "presenting" question. The real question/demand comes second. So Ex asked for contact with Mini, but what he really wants to talk about is the bank account. Expect him to say that he will struggle to pay you maintenance if you don't unfreeze the bank account.

Toads I've already spoken to CMS and they have an agreement with the company that employs him so they can collect information from them/collect directly from his wages if needs be. Which I was surprised by. So if he claims he can't afford I'll just go straight to them. I just have to hope he doesn't quit his job...

Good point Cat. I wonder if he is aware of the agreement.

Hmm, none of the texts he's sent you sound real. Was that all word for word?

Don't ease up on the distrust yet. Wait and see.

Good luck tomorrow.

He sounds utterly charming, OP, and obviously you have a long history together and you must miss the nice side of him. But it is what it is. If you didn't have Mini, you could give him as many changes as you want, being an adult and all that. But you have to remember he hasn't explained anything about his parents' conduct or his own .

CMS have lied to you there. They’re such fuckers for it. By law, they have to give him X amount of time and chances to pay voluntarily (ranges from 3-6 months) before they will do a Deduction From Earnings (which can take 16 weeks to set up) So you could go almost a year with no maintenance whilst they fuck about. It wouldn’t be almost immediately, not even close.

We have enough to live off without sacrificing anything so if I have to go a few more months without maintenance I’m happy with that.

DD seems a lot better today. Gave her calpol at 4am which was fun, but I’ve just been in with a cup of milk and she shouted “hello mummy, I got hurt look” and pointed at her bruise. Which is great as she’s great fun when she’s in a good mood.

I know ExH is trying to play me for the money from the bank. I’m going to give Womens Aid another call today or tomorrow for another chat so I’m prepped for the meeting with him next week.

Glad DD is feeling better.

Good idea to talk to Women’s Aid, in all honesty I hope they advise you not to meet with him but either way they should be able to advise on minimising the risks.

He's paid nothing so far?
He should be doing that, rather than whining about what he wants.

He’s paid a months worth of maintenance but that’s it and he whinged it was too high an amount

This guy has wrecked his family life by being violent to you.
Has he apologised or tried to make amends in any way? Or has he only moaned and made threats?
The answers to that will give a clue as to how concerned he is about DD, and how much you should trust him.

Good luck with the access meeting today. Keep your cool. Less is more at this stage, don't get drawn into decisions or conversations today if you can help it - just keep it about him seeing your daughter.

Just wanted to say that you are doing really well with everything you have coped with and organised in the last few weeks.

Just received a facebook message from one of the mums from DDs Nursery inviting DD to a party in a few weeks time.

The family aren't English so speak it as a second language. They're asking to books to read with their daughter if we want to take a present. What book should I choose to take? DD has so many favourites I just don't know what to choose. This little girl is one of her closest friends at Nursery so happy to spend £7 or so on a book for her. What would you recommend for a non English speaking 3 year old?

Ketchup on your cornflakes is a brilliant book. It's very good fun, a bit silly and the pictures will make it make sense. It's one of those books that will have them laughing out loud.

NoraButty I don't know that one so might have to buy a copy for DD too, sounds like her sort of book.

It is good fun, I got it when my son was small and we used to have such a giggle. My lad is in his 20's now but still makes references to it.

We've got goodnight moon, simple easy and names lots of things

So ExH turned up on his own. I had a massive panic attack seeing him, no idea why as I’ve seen him a few times since we split. I had to go to the toilets and calm myself down. Left my brother keeping an eye on things took me a good 15 minutes to calm myself down.

My stomach was in knots the whole time. DD enjoyed seeing her dad though. He did play with her for most of the time she was there though.

She started getting tired after about 40 minutes so I told ExH that as she was tired, probably due to the injury, I was going to take her home soon. He just glared at me and said I was using it as an excuse to stop him spending time with her. He could clearly see she was getting tired; she kept coming to us for cuddles and rubbing her eyes.

He then got annoyed because I said that I wanted a few more times like this meeting in a café or public place before I’d trust him to take her to his house. He said I was being petty and punishing his parents by stopping them seeing their granddaughter . I told him I’d meet him here (as in the café) next Sunday at about 12pm. I explained that it has to be Sunday as she has a party of a friend I know from a group I go to for her delay on Saturday and its 4-6pm and I’d told the mum I’d help her with the party and as he doesn’t finish work until 3pm on a Saturday it can’t be earlier. He said that wasn’t fair, why should he miss an extra day with her when I don’t have to? I just said that I’d agreed to the party just before we split up and I don’t think it’s fair to let people down. I also pointed out he’d get more time with her on the Sunday because the café is open 11am-4pm and he doesn’t work Sundays so we could stay all afternoon if wanted. He kept glaring at me and my brother told him that “MiniLady is watching” and that he’d “Personally take MiniLady outside if he continued to speak rudely to me as it’s not fair for her to hear that”. Love my brother . I also have text him about the party in a few weeks that her Nursery friends mum messaged me about.

ExH then started asking about the maintenance, so I said I’d discuss it on Tuesday when we meet then as I don’t think we should discuss money in front of DD, plus that’s why we set up that meeting in the first place. He also asked what we’re doing about the tickets we booked for an attraction for DDs birthday in June. I said we could discuss it on Tuesday. God knows what we’ll do. I’ve booked the tickets but they don’t take the money until a few days before you plan to go so I could just cancel them or just his. No way am I going on a “family” day out with him.

I still don’t think it’ll be him that parents her if he takes her to his, it’ll be his parents. Which worries me as they have completely different methods to me; they will use CIO which I a) don’t agree with but b) I have also been told not to use due to her delays it could cause problems with her understanding. I’m also worried they’ll tell her that her conditions aren’t as bad as I make out . They never agreed with my parenting when me and ExH were together, they didn’t like that she started Nursery just after her 1st birthday as they think children shouldn’t be in any form of childcare until school age, they have lectured me in the past about the clothes DD wears, as they’re not girlie enough - she tends to wear leggings, with tshirts/long sleeve shirts and either a jumper or cardigan depending on weather in the week due to Nursery/Messy Play Groups/Wanting to Splash in Puddles. She does wear dresses, skirts and dungarees but tends to be when we’re not planning for her to get messy/need a change of clothes quickly. They also got upset because her middle name is after my grandmother who died in 2011, who I was close to and not after a member of their family – ExH chose her first name, he could have used a family name or named her after a dead relative but he didn’t want to and I felt it only fair we choose one name each. They said it still wasn’t fair because I got “9 months more bonding with her than anyone else did” . They’re just not nice people and not the people I am supposed to be parenting my child with. But then I am realising slowly that ExH isn’t that nice a person either. I’ve seen things written on internet forums he frequents, not about me, but about other people, about stuff they post on Facebook or conversations he’s overheard in his job, and I’m reading it thinking, this is not a nice man. Just hope DD is a nice person when she grows up.

Still feeling a bit anxious about the whole thing but DD and I are home now, and DD is almost asleep. She went to bed early last night too, hoping it’s just the concussion and/or the exciting day she’s had.

I’m pretty tired myself probably because I got up at 4am to give DD her calpol. Love how he thinks I am in the wrong and he’s the victim/his parents are the victims when he hurt me, turned DDs life upside down and I do the majority/all of the parenting. If he can’t even accept this then how the hell do I parent with this man for what could be the next 15 years? I am already sick of arguing about everything. Sometimes I wonder if I should lie down and let him have her, see how he likes being the one who gets DD up, fed, dressed, to Nursery on time, to all her appointments etc. But then I couldn’t bear being parted from her, I miss her when she’s in Nursery and I worry about her if I leave her with my mum when we go food shopping and I pop to the toilet for 2 minutes even though my mum would never harm her and has been so good to us both in the last 7 weeks – including taking us to A+E yesterday, so I know it’s illogical to worry over 2 minutes I’m away from her, but that’s what he’s done to me isn’t it? He’s made me paranoid and so over protective that if I could I’d wrap DD in cotton wool I would. Although her accident yesterday hasn’t done my nerves any favours.

Anyone know how to stop a cat playing with their childs toys?

your last post re contact.. is virtually the polar opposite of what he promised in his text conversations with your just yesterday OP...

you can't trust him on any level.....

You could remind him that your own SW has advised supervised contact, and that until SS decide he can see her unsupervised, he's just going to have to put up with it. That means neutral place with supevision. If he wants a contact centre then he can arrange it. This is a direct consequence of his violence and threats, and he has no one to blame but himself. No one forced him to threaten to kill you. No one forced him to attack you.

You have managed the meeting well and thank heavens for your brother. As your ex seems likely to continue to push you when he sees you, it would probably be a lot better if it was just your brother at contact henceforth.

Onto cheerier things!

One of our cats used to take all the little bits of dd's toys and hide them all over the place. She had a particular liking for the two- legos! Polly pockets were a favourite too.

As for books, I know that dd loved "Let's go home, Little Bear" by Mratin Waddell and Barbara Firth www.amazon.co.uk/Lets-Home-Little-Bear-Sleep/dp/0744531691/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=lets+go+home+little+bear&tag=mumsnetforum-21&ie=UTF8&qid=1523725582&sr=8-1 but also loved being read to from Dr Xargle's Book of Earth Tiggers www.amazon.co.uk/Dr-Xargles-Book-Earth-Tiggers/dp/1849392978/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&keywords=Book+of+Earth+Tiggers&tag=mumsnetforum-21&ie=UTF8&qid=1523725790&sr=1-1