Just had a bit of text conversation with ExH and I think I'm finally making headway.
Him: "Hi Catty, hows MiniLady? From the photo on Facebook looks like quite w hack she gave it, hope she's ok. Can you keep me updated on her please? I do miss her"
Me: "She's fine, she's had some lunch and is playing with her dolls house. Of course I'll keep you updated she's your daughter. Can I ask you something? Why over the last few weeks have you let your parents do all the asking after her? You come across as not caring and that's not you, I've known you since you were 14 and when you care about someone it shows. That's how we ended up together remember?"
Him: "I've not wanted to bother you. I know what I did was awful and I've been trying to make sense of it all myself. I want to know how she's doing, I long to ask how her day at Nursery went, but I'm scared you'll knock me back. So I got my mum to do it, but then she didn't get satisfactory answer and it's got out of hand"
Me: "Out of hand?? Both your parents have told me they want you to the resident parents. Your told the Nursery that I am neglecting and abusing our child! How did she expect me to react? To just lie down and hand my daughter over? Because this is not how to get me on side. By being like this I trust you less and less so I'll pull back because I'll be scared that I won't get her back when you do see. I don't want to keep her from you, she loves you, she asks for you at least once a day, she should see you but it has to be safe. I am never going to keep important information from you or tell you you can't ask about your daughter, if the roles were reversed I'd be asking about her meals, her days at Nursery, her sleep, anything and everything I'd ask about it. She's your daughter you should know about her life. I am like the most reasonable person you'll ever meet. If your getting on my nerves I'll tell you but asking about your daughter won't annoy me, as it shows you care"
Him: "Thank you, I just want to know about her and see her regularly. I would love to be Resident Parent but it wouldn't work. Her life is at your place, her friends live near there, her Nursery is near there plus with my job it just wouldn't be fair to her. All I want is to see her. I will always return her. I will promise you that. On her life if you want"
Me: "No need to swear on lives, but just don't break my trust. You've done that once by hurting me. I just need to know she's safe and will be happy. I need to know how you will protect her"
Him: "If she comes here, I will put a babygate on my bedroom so she can't get in, and I'll keep it shut as will my mum, dad and (ex-sils name). I will put all my medication into that room so it's safe from her. Mum has said I can't eat in my room so there will be no plates or cutlery in there and I'll never ever eat in the room that will be hers. My mum will keep MiniLady with her at all times. We'll mostly be in the garden or living room but mums said if she leaves the room MiniLady will go with her. Or my grandma will come and sit with us both and do the same. Please just let me see her"
Me: "Show me photos of the gate set up. Tell your parents to back off and let us deal with this. You are 23 years old, not 13. Man enough to have sex with me and create a child, man enough to deal with the consequences. She wants her dad, not her grandmother or grandad or aunt. If you show me I can trust you then I will let you take her there to see them"
He sent me the photo I asked for.
Me: "Thank you. I will have (brothers name) here tomorrow, but we will be in the kitchen. Prove to me you want to see her. I will leave nappies, wipes and her cream in the living room, I will expect you to use them if she needs them. You do not go into my bedroom. Prove to me you can care for her and I'll consider letting her go to yours next time."
Him: "How long can I stay? And what time? I finish work at 3pm. I promise I don't want to snatch her, I just want to see her. Can I bring the new toy I picked up for her?"
Me: "Is 2 hours ok? Say 3.30-5.30?"
And he's agreed. He's paid the maintenance at £20 more than minimum.
I might actually make this work and avoid court!