I’ve lost haven’t I? He’s got what he wanted

[CatLadyToddlerMother]

On Sunday afternoon I was attacked by my husband and he threatened to kill me.

On the advise of the police I left my home with my DD who played two foot from us when this happened.

And I haven’t been back. Because he has. And it doesn’t feel fair. The tenancy is in joint names so he can’t be evicted, and he has the legal right to live there. He won’t sign the form to have his name taken off the tenancy so I can move in.

I’m trying to get an occupancy order but a solicitor won’t act until I can prove I’m entitled to Legal Aid, which I can’t as all my benefits letters are at my flat which I’ve been advised not to go back to by the Housing Association and the Police - I don’t work as DD has a few extra needs so claims DLA and CTC which is my entitlement to LA. I’m waiting for Women’s Aid to assign me a Support Worker so I can prove it another way but they’ve told me as I’m not in immediate danger it could take up to 3 weeks. The housing association have no legal obligation to house DD and I while my name is on that tenancy, and if I sign my name off the tenancy they can place me anywhere in the county which takes me away from my mum and brother (I’m living there atm) who are my biggest support at the moment.

I feel like I’ve lost. He gets to break the law, and still wins. I can’t go out on my own because I’m so scared, I tried to get to DDs Nursery alone yesterday morning and got a quarter of the way and had to call them saying I couldn’t get any further. They were lovely and bought the Nursery car and a car seat and took us both to the Nursery but walking back alone I was shaking and it took ages to get home. My mum had to pick DD up from Nursery.

It’s so unfair. I can’t live like this for another month. My DDs got no toys or clothes, and I feel guilty using my mums bread and milk and food when she’s on a low income herself. I just want to go home.

He’s won hasn’t he? I’m up shit creek without a paddle, still liable for a flat I don’t live in and have no money or clothes.

I feel like such a crap mum, I’ve let my DD down, has I ignored the police and stayed home he wouldn’t have been allowed back and then he’d have had to have tried to get me out which with me having DD would have been hard for him to do.

And I’m so worried he’s going to petition the courts for access to our DD, I don’t like her being out of my sight atm but I know he’s her dad and I can’t stop him seeing her (I never would but I just want time to get my head together and have a home)

Ive just read the whole thread. You're an amazing lady and fabulous mother. The superior sounds horrible and that maybe she was looking for a rise out of you, which you didn't give. I have everything crossed for you.

I would raise a formal complaint with the Council of improper professional behaviour, false allegations and lack of impartiality.
Her behaviour is atrocious, who the hell does she think she is?

OP I suggest you contact the Family Rights Group to discuss how best to deal with the awful woman from social services. Their helpline number is 0808 801 0366 (Mon-Fri 9.30am-3pm). The also have information on their website about dealing with social services including how to make a complaint.

I agree totally - that is a serious, serious allegation, and you have a witness. Get Legal!

Fight this with everything, OP. You should NOT be afraid to lose your dd for the sake of someone's taste in wallpaper.

Whatever happens I've now learnt not to trust anyone involved with this, not the social workers, not the GP, not the health visitor. Trust no-one.

I'm saying that because the Superior SW mentioned things that I've only told certain professionals, about myself and DD. So never trust any of them

you must call someone CatLady

I'm not sure about relying on the other SW as a witness. Remember, this bitch is her boss, she's not likely to want to risk her job.

I can't believe what that woman said! Accusing the MD of accepting bribery (and I think you should email the MD tonight, don't wait until she's next in) and complaining about your DD's bedroom décor! God, some poor children live in bedrooms with mould, peeling wallpaper and filthy bedding (if they have any bedding). As long as a child's room is clean and safe, that's all that matters.

And how the hell are you supposed to know if she'll be able to go to mainstream school yet? That's still a couple of years away, you won't know how her conditions will affect her then.

I'm for you. How DARE she! (I wonder if she knows your MIL?)

Not relying on SW as a witness I'm sure she'd deny it all.

I've rung the MD, she's not impressed with the superior and says if any official accusations come out she'll stand by what she wrote, and can prove she didn't accept a bribe from me.

I'm going to look into a Residency Order and Contact Order tomorrow, although I'm terrified that a judge will rule against me. I'm not sure whether to speak to my Support Worker from WA as I'm also now suspicious of her, although nothing I told her was mentioned by either SW so I think I'm safe there.

well done OP.. you did the right thing... please call Womens Aid tomorrow with this information...and as someone up thread recommended Family Rights Group team too.. it all helps and creates a paperwork footprint of your concerns in a timely manner for future reference...

please try not to curl up into a ball... the temptation to hide from everyone will be strong.. but you are a good Mum.... stand up for your girl stand up for yourself...

p.s. someone is always here if you need to vent..

Agencies do have to share information, though, CatLady, so one agency doesn't make some stupid decision just from being not fully informed. Perhaps she was playing Devil's Advocate?

It sounds to me like you responded well and appropriately. For instance, you didn't get angry when she said negative things about the decor, you didn't get defensive or angry about dd's condition or behave badly when she asked about future schooling. You could have been the sort of person who said "wtf are you on about you slaaaag?" and chucked her out, at any point during that unreasonable ordeal. But you aren't that sort of person, and now she knows it.

Well done for getting through it. It sounds horrible and even unprofessional. I would not make any decisions about it yet, if you can avoid it.

KOKO

Jux is correct.... you did very well under intense pressure

Oh CatLady I'm so sorry to read your last update. I do wonder if Jux is right and it was as much about seeing how you react under pressure, whether you get aggressive etc as the senior SW being a total cowbag.

I know it's hard but try not to borrow trouble. You're doing all the right things, you've got some great support and places you can get advice. You and LittleLady will get through this.

The information was something that I told the health visitor about a condition DD has but i was tested for when I was a teenager. Not a massive breech but I wasn’t retested as an adult (because my symptoms went away and were no longer a worry that I had it)

HVs are basically spies for social services

I’m pretty sure Women’s Aid wouldn’t disclose or at least not half so readily

Women's Aid, I'm pretty sure, do not contact other agencies except maybe at the request of their client (don't take that as gospel, I'm not sure). However, agencies like SS, GP, HV need to be able to talk to each other to ensure their clients/patients get the right care, advice and support. I think Police are part of that circle too, or can be.

It is necessary for them to be able to access all the data about their client, otherwise very bad decisions can be made.

I am very sure that you have nothing to worry about, CatLady.

I've just read the whole of your thread & you have managed so well to get through all the cr*p you ExH has thrown at you. Have you a SureStart centre near you? They will often act as a contact centre for your ExH to have supervised contact with your Dd, he can attend one of their sessions & have contact there, you drop off Dd & either go to another room while he has contact or drop off & pick up Dd after he leaves. My ExP used one while he was building up getting to know his DC before progressing to unsupervised contact. Don't be down on yourself about the comments from him to SS, he's just trying to act the big man while he thinks you are vulnerable, stay strong xxxxx

OP I am so sorry this is all crap.

This supervisor person sounds like a nightmare, please take advice on all this.

You sound like a fab mum.

She, accusing you or bribery, sound like a nutcase. Could it have been an ill-judged joke?

Anyway, take advice. You have not lost.

Maybe she was playing "bad cop, good cop" to push your buttons to see how you react. Not saying that it was right, but maybe explains why she bombarded you with questions. It sounds like you reacted well though.

I haven't read the whole thread but saw you mention you wouldn't get legal aid.
You MAY get legal aid if you qualify financially (benefits) and have evidence (from a prescribed list) of domestic abuse. See a legal aid family solicitor and they will assess you properly.
Good luck

Well I must be super lucky or super stupid, I'm not sure...

Getting DD ready to go Nursery. We're on the stairs outside my flat in the communal bit. One minute she's next to me, the next thing I know she's slipped, I haven't caught her hand and she's at the bottom.

Not sure who cried more, me or DD. I dropped everything and ran to her, scooped her up and was thanking my lucky stars it wasn't more serious.

Called my mum in a bumbling mess and managed to say "MiniLady, stairs, bump". She got out of work and took us both to A+E.

Quite bad concussion, a massive bruise above her eye and I'm not sure if my nerves will ever recover. But she's ok. I even managed to called ExH while I was there and tell him what happened. He did stay away but asked me to text him when we're home.

I have text him to say we're home, and he's asked to see her tomorrow but won't take her anywhere, I've given in, I'm sick of arguing. I could of lost her today, all that matters is that she's safe and happy.

DDs having as much squash and chocolate spread on toast as she likes (she usually gets squash once a day on non Nursery days and never on Nursery days, and shes gets chocolate spread on toast maybe once a fortnight, she must think it's her birthday). She's having a sleep and I'm sat at the end of her bed listening to every breath she takes.

If that never happens again, it's too soon. A mothers worst nightmare

Oh Op - just what neither of you need! What a shock - I'm glad she's ok.

Be aware tho that this may have been relayed to the HV and SS, as is normal in child injuries if you are known to them. It's nothing to be frightened of, just aware of.

What will he do with her tomorrow? if he can't take her anywhere, will you all have to go? Park? MIL?

I've told him he can see her at my house, and I will be in another room but leaving all doors open so I will be able to hear everything. I have told he will be there by my invitation and if I ask him to leave he is to leave. My brother is going to come over and sit with me so he can help if needs be.

I gave my Social Workers name and my doctors surgery name so I know it'll get passed on, but I'd rather have the transparency with something like this. It was just an accident. I know I moaned about confidentiality and passing information on, but I know in my hearts of hearts it's in DDs best interests. I was just angry and wound up yesterday.

I'm glad you will have someone with you OP. I hope he abides by your conditions. I hope he doesn't turn up with MIL/FIL et al.

I hope it goes well.

Happens to the best of us, CatLady, and heaven knows you've had enough trials for infinity! Everyone needs to vent! You have nothing to reproach yourself with vis a vis the anger you felt at the betrayal of confidence, or indeed at dd's slip.

Accidents are just that, and if they could be avoided, they would be.

Hope dd feels better when she wakes. How do you treat concussion? I have had it, quite a bad one, but so long ago I can't remember much!

Hope ex's visit goes without incident too.