Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I’ve lost haven’t I? He’s got what he wanted

994 replies

CatLadyToddlerMother · 08/03/2018 09:15

On Sunday afternoon I was attacked by my husband and he threatened to kill me.

On the advise of the police I left my home with my DD who played two foot from us when this happened.

And I haven’t been back. Because he has. And it doesn’t feel fair. The tenancy is in joint names so he can’t be evicted, and he has the legal right to live there. He won’t sign the form to have his name taken off the tenancy so I can move in.

I’m trying to get an occupancy order but a solicitor won’t act until I can prove I’m entitled to Legal Aid, which I can’t as all my benefits letters are at my flat which I’ve been advised not to go back to by the Housing Association and the Police - I don’t work as DD has a few extra needs so claims DLA and CTC which is my entitlement to LA. I’m waiting for Women’s Aid to assign me a Support Worker so I can prove it another way but they’ve told me as I’m not in immediate danger it could take up to 3 weeks. The housing association have no legal obligation to house DD and I while my name is on that tenancy, and if I sign my name off the tenancy they can place me anywhere in the county which takes me away from my mum and brother (I’m living there atm) who are my biggest support at the moment.

I feel like I’ve lost. He gets to break the law, and still wins. I can’t go out on my own because I’m so scared, I tried to get to DDs Nursery alone yesterday morning and got a quarter of the way and had to call them saying I couldn’t get any further. They were lovely and bought the Nursery car and a car seat and took us both to the Nursery but walking back alone I was shaking and it took ages to get home. My mum had to pick DD up from Nursery.

It’s so unfair. I can’t live like this for another month. My DDs got no toys or clothes, and I feel guilty using my mums bread and milk and food when she’s on a low income herself. I just want to go home.

He’s won hasn’t he? I’m up shit creek without a paddle, still liable for a flat I don’t live in and have no money or clothes.

I feel like such a crap mum, I’ve let my DD down, has I ignored the police and stayed home he wouldn’t have been allowed back and then he’d have had to have tried to get me out which with me having DD would have been hard for him to do.

And I’m so worried he’s going to petition the courts for access to our DD, I don’t like her being out of my sight atm but I know he’s her dad and I can’t stop him seeing her (I never would but I just want time to get my head together and have a home)

OP posts:
Tiddlywinks63 · 10/04/2018 13:22

Oh gawd! *here not hear fhs

elisenbrunnen · 10/04/2018 14:31

OP - you are doing all you can for your dd. It is obvious, and will be obvious to anyone who sees you/her/your file/your flat.

Don't worry about MIL - this is her biggest gun, and she's shot it now. Once she's done this, what more can she do to hurt you? And she's shooting herself in the foot too, by being so vindictive; and by fighting his battles. He is being shown as not bothering, she is being shown as spiteful. If it escalates and more, I'd get the Police involved. A non-mol against her, at the least. (and her husband!)

Your dd is better off away from the lot of them. You know MIL doesn't have dd's best interests at heart - she is doing this to control you, and her own son, not because she wants the best for your dd.

CatLadyToddlerMother · 10/04/2018 15:42

Erm...ok not sure whether to hug the Managing Director or not. Was BCCed into this by the General Manager:..

"Dear (SW name),
Thank you for your email regarding MiniLady Toddler*. I am the managing director of (nursery company name) and I know the Toddler family and felt an email from me would stand them in a better position than from say my General Manager.

Mini**, as she is known to our staff, attends our (Nursery name) Nursery on (street name), (town name) for 9 sessions a week; Tuesday am and pm, Wednesday am and pm, and Friday am and pm. Mini has also attended for the occasional Thursday am session. Mini started with us on (Date in 2016) in our baby room and has been with us ever since. We are aware that Mini has a number of medical conditions, which are well managed and the Nursery is currently meeting her needs. Mini is funded by a mixture of the 2 year funding, a discount offered by the Nursery for her mother being a lone parent and a top up paid by CatLady Toddler. Fees have always been paid on time, apart from once which was the fault of my finance manager, as she took annual leave without sending new bills out to any of the parents. This issue was quickly resolved and there are no arrears on Mini’s account. As a Nursery we are aware of Mini’s situation and the recent split of her parents and we are aware of some of the circumstances surrounding that.

As you may know the (Nursery name) is set in two old town houses, which were purchased by myself in 1985. The nursery is open plan and makes use of both buildings. I like to update the decor regularly and the whole building underwent a renovation in June 2016. This Nursery caters for children from 12 weeks of age up to 3 years old. The whole of the downstairs of the building is dedicated to the 2-3 year olds which is the room that Mini is currently in. The room takes up to 20 children, from just before their 2nd birthday until the September after their 3rd birthday. A child spends an average of 14 months in the (room name) room. After this they move to our Pre-school Nursery based on (road name) which is a short walk from our (Nursery name) Nursery. Every child who is in the (room name) room is guaranteed a space at the Pre-school from the September after their 3rd birthday. The (nursery name) Nursery was awarded a Grade 1 Outstanding in its most recent OfSted inspection in November 2017, before this we were a Grade 2 Good Nursery.

I visited the (Nursery Name) Nursery today and happened to see the email you sent to my General Manager. When discussing Mini with the staff they were filled with praise for her. I was told by (room manager) that she is a happy and polite child, who is well liked by both the staff and children in her room. I was told things such as “Mini thanks us when we put food down at mealtimes” and “Mini likes to help us tidy up after an activity”. I was also given the names of 4 other children who do the same sessions as her that she plays with regularly. Each child in the room is assigned a Keyworker, this is the person who does the majority of the care for a child, so any toilet trips or nappy changes are done where possible by the keyworker, and the keyworker also fills out any paperwork associated with a child. Mini’s keyworker is (keyworker name) and she says they have a great relationship. Mini takes full part in all activities with a few adjustments such as being in a smaller group of children so she gets more 1-1 attention. The (room name) room also benefits from access to a huge garden which the staff try to spend as much time in with the children as possible. Mini enjoys spending time in the garden and there has been the odd tantrum from her as she hasn’t wanted to come inside after being in the garden. Mini along with the other children in her room also recently welcomed the two new members of the room, two goldfish, who live in a fish tank by the staff entrance to the building.

Mini’s speech is delayed along with her understanding, so it can be hard to have a conversation with her. But (keyworker) says that Mini will make comments such as “mummy brush teeth” and then point at her teeth which we understand to mean that her mother brushes her teeth, so it is of my assumption that Catlady is managing Mini well and following a routine with her. Mini always comes in as clean as a 2 year old can do, her hair looks clean and brushed and is sometimes in either pigtails or plaits, and she often smells of soap and shampoo. If Mini gets dirty at Nursery her mother has a change of clothes in her box which is in the changing area and staff are happy to change children’s clothes if needs be. Mini is not yet potty trained, but given her extra needs this is not a concern of the Nursery. (Nursery name) is lucky to benefit from an onsite cook, who makes all of its meals from scratch. Mini loves the food at Nursery and it’s not uncommon for her to finish everything on her plate, staff tell me there’s only one thing that she regularly doesn’t eat which would show an active dislike for and this is Salmon. Everything else she usually eats, or leaves very little of which is great for a toddler as we do have children who dislike most things we serve. Mini is a similar size to the children in her room who are around the same age as her, and on the day I visited her to discuss her she was happily running around the garden and interacting with her friends. This is not a child who we have any concerns about her home life.

My opinion of Catlady is that she is a respectable young woman* who genuinely loves and cares for Mini and is trying to raise her to be respectful and polite. Staff told me that Catlady has given appropriate discipline to Mini for example when Mini threw a toy at pickup time a few weeks ago, Catlady told her to “pick it up and put it back where it’s supposed to be properly”, Mini did as she was told and put the toy back. Catlady also backs up the very few punishments that Mini has been given at Nursery. When Mini sees her mother at the end of the day she runs up to give a hug and Catlady always asks her if she has had a good day. Myself and my staff have never seen anything that would concern us in Catlady’s interactions with Mini. Catlady has always shared everything that might help with Mini’s care with us, either through telling (keyworkers name) who tries to do hand over at the end of the day or via email to (general managers name) my General Manager for all 3 of our Nurseries, who then passes the email to the relevant person in Mini’s Nursery. I understand there is a concern that Catlady may be too young to care for Mini but if you hadn’t told me her age I’d have assumed she was at least 10 years older than she is. She is one of the younger parents at our Nursery but I do not feel her age holds her back, I also feel that she has handled this situation with dignity and maturity. She has never said a bad word about her daughters’ father and apart from an email to say there had been a domestic incident she has not told myself or any of my staff about what happened.

I never met (ExH) so cannot personally comment on him. Staff said that he was very quiet and didn’t interact much with either his daughter or the staff when picking her up. Although staff have said when he did do pick up Mini seemed happy enough with him and him picking her up has never raised concerns to myself or the staff. I keep records of whose picking up a child so that if there’s a problem we can alert the Police or Social Services to which parent it was that picked up but (ExH) has not been to the Nursery since February 2018 and has not attempted to take Mini from the Nursery since the ban on him was placed in March 2018. All staff are now aware of the situation and know that if he does turn up he is not to be let into the building. Staff also know to contact yourself, the Police and me or my General Manager should (ExH) attempt to take Mini from Nursery.

The only other person who is approved to pick Mini up is, (mums name) who is Mini’s Maternal Grandmother. I have never met her but according to staff Mini adores her and runs to her shouting “Nanny nanny”. She rarely does pick up, although has done a lot more recently as I am aware that CatLady has needed to be elsewhere to receive support following the incident at home. As a Nursery we have no problems with grandparents doing pick up for children and (mums name) is known to staff in (Nursery name) so will be let in if she does come to do pick up.

As a Nursery we are very supportive of all of our families, whatever shape they may take. I personally feel that Mini is the priority of her mother and she is safe and well cared for with her. And myself and my staff will continue to support them both right up until Mini starts school in September 2019. I have urged Catlady to let me know if there is anything more we as a Nursery can do to support them both, whether that’s extra childcare so CatLady can attend her own appointments or a chat to help them both make sense of everything, (Nursery Company Name) is here for them both. As you are aware if needs be Mini can move to our (other Nursery name) if CatLady feels she needs to move closer to her family, I have staff that work at both Mini’s current Nursery and (other Nursery name) so there would be familiar people there for Mini if the move is necessary, but for now Mini’s place in (Nursery Name) is safe and will remain that way.

Please accept this as (Nurserys name) official statement regarding the situation and our opinions on MiniLady Toddler. If you have any further questions regarding either Catlady or Mini, please contact me on my personal number; (number) or call through to Mini’s Nursery on (Nursery number) and ask for my General Manager, we are both happy to answer any questions regarding either of them.

All facts regarding MiniLady are correct as of 10/4/18 and may have changed at time of reading. As is the case with young children, situations can change daily so please contact myself or (general managers name) if you are aware of anything that has changed and I will update my statement to reflect that.

Yours Sincerely

(Managing Directors Name)
MD of (Nursery Company Name)"

*obviously they used her actual name

** A shortened version of her name which her keyworker came up with when she first started, I don’t use it at home but she likes it for Nursery and I am fine with that. It does suit her though Grin

*I’m 25...

OP posts:
sunshine99789 · 10/04/2018 15:51

Wow, what an amazing, supportive email!
I really hope you manage to sort things out, I agree about the non-mol order.

That email just goes to show what a fantastic mother you are!
I do keep coming back to check on this thread to see how you are x

elisenbrunnen · 10/04/2018 15:54

That's a great email OP. It's actually over and above what they would be required to do, so for the General Manager (!) to do it without any prompting or requests from you is amazing, and so supportive of you.

I'm sure the SW will see it way too. You have Nursery Professionals behind you - MIL can go whistle!

Flowers
Springtrolls · 10/04/2018 16:32

That is an amazing email and if she didn’t believe even one word it wouldn’t have been written.

Coyoacan · 10/04/2018 16:51

Congratulations, CatLady, on earning such ringing words of praise and in having found such a wonderful nursery for your dd.

It never crossed my mind that you were particularly young to be a mother. Nothing you have written betrays immaturity.

KentishLady2018 · 10/04/2018 17:34

Fab email! Clearly they know you're a superstar as well - you just need to start believing it more.

However... I would be slightly miffed at them thinking I was 35, not 25 though ( misses point of email totally ) Grin

CatLadyToddlerMother · 10/04/2018 17:41

I think the young comment may have been in response to something Ex-MIL said. She's called me childish and said "I'm a child with a child". Although ExH is younger and I've never considered myself young to be a mother, I know plenty in my local area who are the same age or younger than me with similar aged children.

OP posts:
Aridane · 10/04/2018 20:30

Well done!

CatLadyToddlerMother · 12/04/2018 12:18

I think I may have lost.

I'm not sure the superior liked me.

Came over this morning with my actual Social Worker. They both had a look in all rooms. Said she didn't like the decor in DDs bedroom (it's yellow walls with hearts, birds and flowers on. I don't really like it either, Ex-MIL did it, but I haven't got the time or money to redo it to my tastes) but she has a bed, wardrobe, toy box and a bookshelf in there. She said she prefers "plain" bedrooms for children. She sat on my sofa and fired 20 questions at me about the situation, DD, her conditions, her Nursery.

She asked me why I'd paid for the Managing Director to write such an email about me. When I said I'd not paid her, she said she'd never known anyone write such nice things about a parent unless there was something in it for them.

She asked about all her conditions, questions I couldn't answer like "What kind of treatment is available for her?" I didn't know because we're "watching and waiting" until she's older, but she didn't seem satisfied with that and then asked me stuff like "Will she go to a mainstream school?" I said I wasn't sure and she asked me if I actually know anything about my child Sad. I do know my child, I can tell your her favourite colour and who she plays with at Nursery, I can tell you how she wrinkles her nose when she yawns and how when she's tired she snuggles into my neck and cuddles up to her favourite toy Elephant. Her favourite tv program is In The Night Garden and she watches it with an Iggle Piggle and Upsey Daisy toy along with her Elephant. I can tell you when each one of her teeth came through, what age she rolled over, she sat at, she crawled, she walked. I can tell you the exact date she started Nursery, who her keyworkers have been from that date to now, I can tell you that her favourite food is Shephards pie and that she doesn't like fish, I can tell you that her favourite sweets are Smarties, I can tell you that she loves her great granddad especially when Mummy says no cake and my granddad ignores that and buys her "just a little vanilla slice". I can tell you that at the end of the Nursery day when we get home she sits with the cat and sings twinkle twinkle little star to her - well she hums the tune she can't say the words yet, I can tell you the last time she had her haircut, the last time she went to the dentist. I can show you the progress she's made with her speech as I have videos on my phone. I can tell you how much she weighs, what size clothes she wears, what size feet she has. I can tell you her middle name and why I chose it. I can tell you the exact dosage of inhaler she's on and when she has to take it. I can tell you the last time I gave her calpol. I can tell you what medication she's allergic to, and why she can't take certain others because it interferes with what she's on now. I bet ExH doesn't know half this stuff.

My SW tried to cut in and say things in my defense but the Superior wasn't backing down and kept firing questions at me.

I've lost haven't I? I'm going to lose my baby, because that woman didn't like the way my daughters room is decorated.

OP posts:
sunshine99789 · 12/04/2018 12:46

What the actual frick!
So she doesnt agree with the decor....what on earth does this have to do with your level of care for your daughter?

Is it possible for you to speak to your SW and voice your concerns?

What planet is she on? I would have said and how much is ExMIL paying you to be a total b**ch!!!!

Keep a record, speak to SW and get something to them in writing on how you were belittled and made to feel like you dont have your childs best interests at heart due to the decor of her room and questions you cant possibly answer until you are in that situation!

Stay strong CatLady xx

MyMagicStars · 12/04/2018 12:56

Your latest post brought tears to my eyes. You sound like an absolutely wonderful mother, and your daughter couldn't have been luckier to be with you. You are strong and brilliant.

NameChange30 · 12/04/2018 13:17

What a bitch Angry

Can you make a complaint about her?

I was particularly shocked by her cynicism in accusing you of paying the nursery manager to write that email Sad

Cantthinkofabloodyname · 12/04/2018 13:19

WTF is that SW superior doing that job for. She is obviously not happy in her job. I can safely say that your DD will not be taken away from you based on her bedroom decor. I think she was clutching straws as she has nothing else to complain about.
You can complain about her to someone higher in position than her too. She sounds like a right bitch.
We have been through hell from SS because of malicious reports and we came out the other side. You are doing the right thing by reiterating that you have nothing to hide. It worked in our favour too.

CatLadyToddlerMother · 12/04/2018 13:21

The only thing I've offered the Nursery is a recommendation to any friends and family who ask about DDs at Nursery. Which is how I found them in the first place.

I have neither the money or inclination to pay her. She earns triple what I could ever wish to earn (if the Freedom of Information sheet on the council website is anything to go by she earns a 6 figure sum from the chain of Nurseries she owns)

OP posts:
CatLadyToddlerMother · 12/04/2018 13:25

*ask about DDs Nursery

OP posts:
Eatalot · 12/04/2018 13:34

You may want to run it by nursery director as she has been accused of taking a bribe which could constitute slander. If this was me id want to know.

CatLadyToddlerMother · 12/04/2018 13:43

Eatalot Next time I see her (the MD) I'll mention it, she's in DDs Nursery fairly regularly and is very approachable (the kids love her too).

OP posts:
RhiWrites · 12/04/2018 13:48

CatLady, my Dad was a social worker for 40 years. Social services do not want to take children from a loving home where they are cared for.

It sounds as though you’ve been very unlucky with your visitor. I’m staggered she suggested you’d paid for the letter from nursery. That is worthy of a (very calm) official complaint.

However, there is no evidence of abuse. I don’t believe social services will consider it wise to use any form of foster care when the child is thriving and the accusation clearly motivated by malice.

CatLadyToddlerMother · 12/04/2018 14:03

RhiWrites Is it worth me going to court for a Residency Order and/or contact order to get it in writing exactly when ExH will see DD? I am so scared he's going to hurt her, and I'm worried that this other Social Worker is on his side. Would this stop them taking her from me?

OP posts:
RhiWrites · 12/04/2018 14:22

I’m not an expert but I think going through the courts would be good in your case because your ex is violent and unreasonable.

Don’t jump the gun though. I really really really think that social services won’t want to take your child from you.

Worst case scenario and the unpleasant supervisor writes a report that includes yellow bedroom and “mother doesn’t seem educated about child’s condition” neither of these is grounds for a care order. And with no evidence of any neglect this over stretched service will not want to “waste” a foster care place on child who doesn’t need it.

CatLadyToddlerMother · 12/04/2018 14:42

RhiWrites Thank you, I'm going to discuss all this with Women's Aid as I'm seeing them again next week and go from there.

OP posts:
Gemini69 · 12/04/2018 15:43

You need to speak to your Lawyer.. and inform the Lawyer and the MD at the Nursery that the Lead Social Worker has made an allegation of Bribery and that the MD has written a false report in exchange for this Bribe.. this is a very serious and dangerous allegation. You have a witness to this allegation so get yourself to your lawyer asap, on the grounds that the Report written on good faith is being discarded because the Lead Social Worker believes there has been improper conduct... do not wait until Next Week Flowers

Gemini69 · 12/04/2018 15:52

the Lead Social Worker has made this very personal... she cannot be considered impartial if she does this.. She cannot make a judgement on a child well being based on the child's wallpaper being patterned not plain.. you have to tell your Lawyer.. she is going to be making recommendations on your Child's living arrangements and contact and her future.. if she's making this a personal.. her role in your daughters case can be challenged.. but you must ask quickly Flowers