I’ve lost haven’t I? He’s got what he wanted

[CatLadyToddlerMother]

On Sunday afternoon I was attacked by my husband and he threatened to kill me.

On the advise of the police I left my home with my DD who played two foot from us when this happened.

And I haven’t been back. Because he has. And it doesn’t feel fair. The tenancy is in joint names so he can’t be evicted, and he has the legal right to live there. He won’t sign the form to have his name taken off the tenancy so I can move in.

I’m trying to get an occupancy order but a solicitor won’t act until I can prove I’m entitled to Legal Aid, which I can’t as all my benefits letters are at my flat which I’ve been advised not to go back to by the Housing Association and the Police - I don’t work as DD has a few extra needs so claims DLA and CTC which is my entitlement to LA. I’m waiting for Women’s Aid to assign me a Support Worker so I can prove it another way but they’ve told me as I’m not in immediate danger it could take up to 3 weeks. The housing association have no legal obligation to house DD and I while my name is on that tenancy, and if I sign my name off the tenancy they can place me anywhere in the county which takes me away from my mum and brother (I’m living there atm) who are my biggest support at the moment.

I feel like I’ve lost. He gets to break the law, and still wins. I can’t go out on my own because I’m so scared, I tried to get to DDs Nursery alone yesterday morning and got a quarter of the way and had to call them saying I couldn’t get any further. They were lovely and bought the Nursery car and a car seat and took us both to the Nursery but walking back alone I was shaking and it took ages to get home. My mum had to pick DD up from Nursery.

It’s so unfair. I can’t live like this for another month. My DDs got no toys or clothes, and I feel guilty using my mums bread and milk and food when she’s on a low income herself. I just want to go home.

He’s won hasn’t he? I’m up shit creek without a paddle, still liable for a flat I don’t live in and have no money or clothes.

I feel like such a crap mum, I’ve let my DD down, has I ignored the police and stayed home he wouldn’t have been allowed back and then he’d have had to have tried to get me out which with me having DD would have been hard for him to do.

And I’m so worried he’s going to petition the courts for access to our DD, I don’t like her being out of my sight atm but I know he’s her dad and I can’t stop him seeing her (I never would but I just want time to get my head together and have a home)

Your are doing an amazing job. It’s hard
To see that at the time, but you are. You probably won’t believe it at the moment but
Your dd won’t hate you, even if he tries to turn her against you. She will see him for what he is in her own time.

It seems like a lifetime in so few weeks and you must be emotionally drained. Don’t forget to look after yourself. I know this is easier said than done.

As for the latest threats about court and sw’s. Well first grandparents have no rights. They have to apply to the court to ask for permission to apply to the court for contact. Not only isn’t it cheap but it has to be in your dd’s interest. Those texts are all about exmil.
Not only that but logically it’s a pattern. He asks for contact, you have reasonably said no. They have tantrums making various threats. You don’t react and the cycle continues without any calls made. This is what bullies do. It’s about control and trying
To wear you down.

And as for him, he asked your bro who couldn’t supervise contact. That’s it. He could have said ok how about x day or when’s good for you? And I bet he didn’t, instead he’s probably waiting for your brother to contact him.

If this wasn’t about control he would have been submitted court papers already. He
Would be phoning ss to try and sort out contact. He would be trying to arrange something through your brother. He’s
Done nothing. He’s had plenty of time, look at what you achieved during this time.

I have read every single comment on this thread and Op, I take my hat off to you!
You have remained grounded and ALWAYS have your girls best interests at heart, I think you are amazing and very strong.
Your ExH sounds like a total Muppet, as do your in laws, you are much better off without the lot of them.

Keep doing what you are doing, you are a very level headed person and you deserve so much more than this.

I wish you and your little girl all the luck for the future....you got this

Xxx

Good luck xx you are doing great xx Sometime when I am stronger I will post on here my story xx flowers for you and your little girl OP xxx

Sunshine No matter what I am going through, no matter how down I am, MiniLady needs me. Her happiness and stability is my priority.

I just wanted to say that you are so brave and strong! Don't feel guilty about being at your mum's. Would you want your daughter to feel guilty in that situation?

I have a broken toe thanks to the sodding cat not getting out off the doormat when I went to get the post yesterday so I accidentally kicked the door trying to step over her to open the door. I felt it go but have been trying to manage on it for DDs sake. I hobbled to my mums in tears, and she didn't even touch it and said "That's broken". Left DD with my mums neighbour and she drove me to CCU/Minor Injuries place at Local Hospital for an X-Ray and it's confirmed, quite a bad break as well. It's strapped up and mums going to come and redo it before she goes to work tomorrow morning (she starts at 12noon) so I can take it off when I go to bed tonight. No driving for 3 weeks until it's healed, and I'm to rest as much as I can - which will be nil with a 2 year old.

I'm sat here crying in agony, I won't take co-codamol when I'm looking after DD, and I'm allergic to ibuprofen. Going to ring my GP in the morning and see if she can suggest anything else that I can take and still look after DD on.

Eating an Easter Egg which my best friend gave me yesterday as a consolation prize. I'm clearly bad at this parenting/single life thing.

Oh no! You’re not bad at single parenting. You just had some bad luck. Call in all the favours you can!

Have you considered contacting Home Start? They might be able to send a volunteer to help out. Now would be an excellent time for a bit of extra help!

I've had homestart in before and it was helpful but they're no longer in my area as of 31st Jan 2018. Sad as they were great, WA did suggest I contact them.

Hi Catlady
I have read your entire thread. What a rollercoaster you have been on. You have done so well to get to this stage. Keep on the good fight.

Ah that’s a shame.

Can somebody come with you to pick up the paperwork you need and get your dd some clothes? Preferably a hulk of a man, or even two men.

Is there a time when you ex is liable to be out? Work, job centre, football or anything?

Don’t let the enormity of this situation drive you back to him just because leaving is hard. Staying with him is going to be harder, this is at least only temporary.

If your solicitor is good, they may be able to win your home back, as you will need it for your child.

Best of luck

Catlady, the HV might have some other contacts that may be useful for your area.

You aren't bad at this. You are doing really good and you should be proud of what you have achieved in such a short time.
Cats are arseholes at times. Mine are always trying to make me fall down the stairs.

Loling though at the people who are wading in offering advice without bothering to read any updates.

@TheJoyOfSox
The OP started this thread exactly a month ago. Fortunately, and unsurprising, things have moved on since then.

“Loling though at the people who are wading in offering advice without bothering to read any updates.”

Yes you’d think they might realise that one month and more than 400 messages later, things have probably moved on!

Cat you are doing so well.

You are being the best parent possible to your DD in unbelievably difficult circumstances. I have absolute respect for you. You could have folded and become an absolute wreck but you've remained strong, sought help and are looking to the future.

Keep strong, you are amazing.

OP a broken toe can happen to anyone. It doesn't happen solely to single parents! Don't beat yourself up about that.

Good news about MiniLady's nursery. Sounds like all options are covered.

GPs prescribed some Naproxen, I have taken it before and it is very good and non-drowsy so should manage to look after DD on it.

The prescription alert for DD works too. I ordered her inhalers on Friday as she's running out. GP mentioned it to me on the phone when talking about the painkillers. She said "someone's tried to order (DDs name)s prescription, the description I was given by the receptionist sounds like you but just checking". But she's sent the prescription to the pharmacy for me and I can collect tomorrow

Great to know the surgery has the bases covered re dd's medication. Poor you with broken toe; when you take the Naproxen, will that enable you to hobble about on it?

Things are working out pretty well for you now, the basic routine has been nailed and finances are OK. All done by you! On top of that, dd likes your cooking (and your mum's cooking!), you've not put a foot wrong (except the one you put through the door[smirk]). I also sense that ex and his vile family are losing their hold on you, that you are less scared of what they threaten, more sure of yourself.

Magnificent journey CatLady, and in only a month! Force to be reckoned with? We ain't seen nothing yet!

Yes, the tablets take about 30 mins to kick in but I can hobble around after DD on them, they don't completely take the pain away but they certainly help. I can take co-codamol tomorrow as she's at Nursery so that should help my recovery too.

So Ex-MIL did call my Social Worker. SW refused to discuss DD with her, kept saying that as she wasn't one of her parents or one of the relevant professionals working with DD (aka Health Visitor, Nursery or GP/Paediatrician) she wasn't authorized to have any information about DD or the case in general. Apparently SW asked if Ex-MIL could put ExH on as she could discuss it with ExH but Ex-MIL said ExH wasn't well enough to fight this himself so she was doing it on his behalf.

When she got no answers from SW she rung DDs HV who told her the same and then our GP surgery who obviously wouldn't discuss DD with her at all. So she then calls the Nursery and reports DD as being neglected and abused. She apparently told the Nursery that I am hitting DD and I swear at her (neither of which have I ever done). I am also neglecting her by not feeding her or letting her see her father .

Nursery have apologised but said due to what Ex-MIL said they're duty bound to report it back to SW, whose had to refer it to her superior.

I'm now sat here feeling sick as the superior may suggest DD goes into temporary foster care while they investigate me. I should pass an investigation but I'm worried I'll never get her back if she goes into FC. SW has told me to gather all the evidence I have that I am not neglecting or abusing my DD, and she is going to get a statement from Nursery.

So far I've got photos of every meal I've fed DD since the split, I've got her red book and have had her weighed regularly which shows she's gaining weight AND getting taller, I'm taking her to the drop in clinic tomorrow (HV invited me to make it look good for me) for weighing. I have asked the Nursery to make sure they have details of DDs progress available. I've got the contact details for her paediatrician and every consultant she sees for her medical conditions. I've got the contact details of our dentist. I've scrubbed the flat, on a broken toe, so much you can see my face in the floors. I've changed the bed covers on both mine and DDs bed. I've tided DDs toys away and got the best ones on display. All washing up is done and put away. Washing machine is going, and clothes are on my airer drying. I've made sure the Gas and Electric meters are topped up as they're smart meters which can be seen. I've found the number for my WA support worker to show I'm getting help. Anything else?

I will have to keep it like this, as I'm going to get a no notice inspection at some point in the next 5 days. They know when my appointments are so when they can't come, but otherwise will come anytime.

I hate them for this. All because I wouldn't buckle and let them see DD unsupervised

Sorry you have this to deal with too. What a bitch. I think you need to report her to the police for harassment tbh. Are you in contact with a solicitor atm, and if so could you ask them about it?

making False allegations will backfire spectacularly on her....is she really this stupid

A mother's love, you are amazing, OP.

Your house doesn't have to be immaculate for the SWs, just overall clean and tidy.

AnotherEmma I'll call Women's Aid as the Solicitor I saw was specialist in property and rental issues, so I'll need a family solicitor I think.

I want to be careful though, as if I report them for harassment I'm worried it could look bad to SS and make it seem like I'm a "he said, she said" kind of person, and I'm trying my damnest to rise above it all and do what's best for my DD - she's the most important person in all this, no matter what happens with her father/grandparents, she has to be my priority.

Good grief Cat! Your MiL is batshit crazy, isn't she?
From what I've read on hear I wouldn't think that you have anything to worry about (although obviously it's easy for me to say that), you're doing incredibly well! I think I would have lost my rag by now.
💐 and a big hug.