I’ve lost haven’t I? He’s got what he wanted

[CatLadyToddlerMother]

On Sunday afternoon I was attacked by my husband and he threatened to kill me.

On the advise of the police I left my home with my DD who played two foot from us when this happened.

And I haven’t been back. Because he has. And it doesn’t feel fair. The tenancy is in joint names so he can’t be evicted, and he has the legal right to live there. He won’t sign the form to have his name taken off the tenancy so I can move in.

I’m trying to get an occupancy order but a solicitor won’t act until I can prove I’m entitled to Legal Aid, which I can’t as all my benefits letters are at my flat which I’ve been advised not to go back to by the Housing Association and the Police - I don’t work as DD has a few extra needs so claims DLA and CTC which is my entitlement to LA. I’m waiting for Women’s Aid to assign me a Support Worker so I can prove it another way but they’ve told me as I’m not in immediate danger it could take up to 3 weeks. The housing association have no legal obligation to house DD and I while my name is on that tenancy, and if I sign my name off the tenancy they can place me anywhere in the county which takes me away from my mum and brother (I’m living there atm) who are my biggest support at the moment.

I feel like I’ve lost. He gets to break the law, and still wins. I can’t go out on my own because I’m so scared, I tried to get to DDs Nursery alone yesterday morning and got a quarter of the way and had to call them saying I couldn’t get any further. They were lovely and bought the Nursery car and a car seat and took us both to the Nursery but walking back alone I was shaking and it took ages to get home. My mum had to pick DD up from Nursery.

It’s so unfair. I can’t live like this for another month. My DDs got no toys or clothes, and I feel guilty using my mums bread and milk and food when she’s on a low income herself. I just want to go home.

He’s won hasn’t he? I’m up shit creek without a paddle, still liable for a flat I don’t live in and have no money or clothes.

I feel like such a crap mum, I’ve let my DD down, has I ignored the police and stayed home he wouldn’t have been allowed back and then he’d have had to have tried to get me out which with me having DD would have been hard for him to do.

And I’m so worried he’s going to petition the courts for access to our DD, I don’t like her being out of my sight atm but I know he’s her dad and I can’t stop him seeing her (I never would but I just want time to get my head together and have a home)

Is MIL for real?! Her son is not allowed unsupervised Access for goodness sake! Ignore the daft bitch and keep copies of everything she says, along with everything he says. As for child support - just go through CMS. Even if you earned a million a year and him 20k, he’d still be morally and legally bound to pay child support. It isn’t Pay Per View either. Just keep going with all the official advice and you’ll be fine, although I’ve been on the receiving end of this so I know how you feel FWIW my ExH isn’t around now. He couldn’t even be arsed to turn up to mediation.

Also MIL has zero legal rights to your child. I’ve been NC with my Mum my entire adult life but whenever I have a new DC (I have 3) she starts with her bullshit and goes to every solicitors in her town and the town over and gets told the same thing every time

Were you going to get a new SIM card with a new phone number? If you did that you could keep the old one but just put it in your phone once a week or so to check messages from your ex and his stupid mother.

AnotherEmma Yes got a new simcard, they're texting me on the old number. I leave my old phone on and just check it at the end of every day. I happened to be in the kitchen making DDs dinner when the messages came through so I saw them.

I’ve only read a couple of pages OP but you are doing fantastical well.

As pp have said, ignore the MIL and kee doing what Women’s Aid have advised. I’m glad you had a nice time with your friend.

Your exMIL is batshit. She stands no chance of taking your DD away from you. You’ve proved you can keep DD safe, and have support of the professionals around you.
She, on the other hand, hasn’t got PR, you can prove she’s supported your ex and minimised what he did, has victim-blamed you, and is married to a bloke who has threatened you and your family. She’s trying to rattle you. Don’t let her. You’re doing a grand job.

You don't need to check it every day, once a week at present is quite enough. It's not like he's allowed to see dd as and when, so there's no rush in getting his texts. And no rush at all in getting MIL's. How fab is that?

They're just trying the same old bullying tactics which used to work and now don't. Ignore their sorry arses.

If your brother is prepared to supervise another visit, and only if he is, then you will have plenty of notice of it, won't you? Then you can text ex that bro's prepared to do it on x date, and that's the only time you really need to switch your phone on.

They're not going to take your DD away from you and spoil her routine.
And they certainly WON'T get custody of her if they take you to court. Stop doubting yourself. The correct people know you are being a good mother, so don't let ex and his family get inside your head and make you doubt yourself.

Keep telling yourself that YOU ARE A GOOD MOTHER! THEY are TOXIC.

Just wanted to say that I think you are a Super Mum!

The man you married is an abuser who took the love and trust of his wife and child and moulded something ugly from it in the form of violence.

It is awful enough that he assaulted a person but even worse that assault was to the mother of his child and in front of that child!

This is not evidence he is a good person or a well rounded individual who can raise a child into a healthy, happy adult.

You would be well within common sense to keep the supervised contact and no overnights in place for YEARS because he doesn't seem to want to change and his terrible family don't appear to add anything to your daughter's life so why allow contact there either?

I hope the Freedom therapy helps you unravel all of the submissive conditioning he has inflicted on you so you can move on and put this piece of shit back in the toilet where he belongs!!!

Consider not protecting him as much. Report anything threatening from him or his nasty family to the Police. They wanted evidence of DV well share the harassment and threats with them!

He is going to keep the intimidation up to try to control you. You're doing so great at fighting back! Keep going. Get that non molestation order, get him off the lease and get that Child Support your baby girl is legally entitled to have!

Don't stop. Get the divorce next so he has no legal rights over you (decision making if you are in hospital, pension etc) and remember that through all of this, your daughter is growing up seeing that no one messes with Mama Bear and there is strength in a woman!

Clearly my childs abused and neglected thats why I've just taken a delivery of 2 pairs of shoes for her from the brand recommended by her paediatrician to help with a hip problem she has. Usually £40 a pair but got them in the sale at £28 each. Can only get her size online atm as none of the local shoe shops sell them.

DD also proudly told my downstairs neighbour who was coming in to the building as I took delivery "My mummy make me yummy pasta" (we had spaghetti and homemade meatballs - my mum made the meatballs not me)

Clearly an unloved neglected child...

Contact your local councillor and your MP, set out the situation and ask if they can help you. If you don't know this info you can search on line or ask at the library
The police should be accompanying you to your home and helping to get your things.
As others have said, your child will thank you in the future.
You are being brave and strong.
Go to the GP and ask for some meds to help with the anxiety
I had to deal with a family situation that has nearly broken me, anti anxiety meds got me through it
Good luck xx

Iam I am now home, with my DD, on strong antidepressants from my doctor and receiving support from a Social Worker and Women's Aid.

Your MIL is crazy - what on earth she hopes to achieve by sending you such stupid messages god only knows. You are doing so well - stay strong!

OP, I've spent the evening reading the full thread, which I hadn't seen before.

Firstly, you are amazing. You are keeping it together beautifully and are a fantastic Mum. You're doing everything to keep your daughter safe, happy and healthy. His family can bully and threaten and call whoever they want - without overwhelming evidence from them (beyond "she's frozen the bank account" and "She won't allow unsupervised contact") they will not take her away from you. Grandparents have no rights, but they obviously recognise your STBXH won't get off his arse to do anything, so they're trying to scare you instead.

My XP was the same. Thankfully he was also NC with his family so they didn't get involved, but he did threaten court, taking away our DC, threatened abduction etc. When he realised I wasn't scared (because I could provide far more for our DS than he ever could), he gave up.

Secondly, it gets better! You will still occasionally have thoughts that you have done the wrong thing or are failing DD, but they are normal and as time goes on they get less. I'm almost 8 years on from you and although I occasionally still think I should have stayed (stupid, as I also left when XP started threatening to kill me), I know 100% I did the right thing in taking our DS out of the situation (at the same age as your DD, and DS has SN too). I've been on antidepressants, had therapy and CBT too. It took me 3.5 years, but I've been medication free for 4.5 years now. Everything you're doing with therapy and antidepressants is a sign of strength, not weakness. You are looking after yourself so you can look after DD and that won't be held against you by professionals. XH and family may try and use the stigma of MH issues against you like my ex did, but they are wrong. Don't worry about what people think, just keep looking after yourself as well as you are.

My ex by choice is now NC with us. DS feels sad sometimes, but also knows his Dad hurt me (he doesn't know his Dad threatened to kill me though) and was useless. Overall he is happier without his Dad being around manipulating and slagging me off all the time. Me and DS are even able to talk about the good times, as DS has an amazing memory and his earliest memory is from about 20 months old, before we split.

You will soon start to feel safer and create a happy and stable life for the two of you and you will feel so free and it will be easier without him around.

This is the tough bit, and at times it will feel overwhelming, but you will get through it and realise just how strong you are. It will shape who you become as a person in the future. A few weeks back I led a community project and raised over £2.5k for a local DV charity. 8 years ago I was so downtrodden I would never have guessed I could do that, or that I would be in a position to help others who were in the position I was. It's a horrible thing to go through, but you've already shown amazing strength and courage and I have no doubt you too will get through this, stronger than ever and able to draw something positive from the whole thing.

I've rung the Women's Aid local helpline this morning, and told them about what Ex-MIL said.

The lady on the phone told me I'm entitled to have a life away from him and not changing my plans to accommodate him was the right thing to do. If he didn't try to arrange another time/day and someone I'm comfortable with to supervise it's his problem not mine.

I've also been told to stop sending photos to him unless he asks for them, because I am giving him an opportunity to criticize or think he has power he doesn't. Also if he doesn't ask for information or photos and he/his family take me to court I can show he doesn't really care.

Feeling a bit more positive today after that chat.

Him refusing to pay maintenance makes him look awful too; the mediators told me it makes them look like they’re are not committed to the child by refusing to financially support them. (I’ve still not seen a penny from ExH and CMS have been useless but that’s another thread!)

You’re doing amazing.

OP I've not commented but have read your post and come back to it several times checking in. You are incredible. You won't always feel it, you won't always know it, but you are incredible nonetheless.

The strength and love you have shown for your DD and yourself is amazing. Keep seeking advice from WA when you feel yourself wavering; their advice may not always feel great but it will absolutely set you on the right path.

CatLady, you're doing absolutely wonderfully. Amazing advice in this thread. (How I wish that I'd had a support network like this when my own marriage broke up, I'd have made much more sensible choices.)

I'm so glad you got back-up from WA today.
Your ex and his relatives are just making things worse for themselves with everything they say. Ignore as much as possible.
You're doing great.

I'm glad you are getting advice and vindication from WA, catLady.

As PPs said, grandparents have NO rights to see a grandchild. And, quite honestly, threatening you is NEVER going to be the best way to get you to allow visitation, is it? Let her threaten and contact SS - they are well aware that vindictive people use the 'threat' of SS against others. She has NO power. Let her scream. YOU are the one with the power; keep your powder dry!

And let him take you to court. He will either a) do so, and be shown up as a bullying abusing twat, and will be LEGALLY required to do what is best for dd, or b) not bother.

Either way, it's a win for you.

I've decided to take the discount offered by the Nursery. They've said that the only reason I'd have to pay the money back is if I removed her for my own reasons.

They've said if she requires more specialist care and her paediatrician agrees with it, then I won't have to pay it back. If I move further from her current Nursery to be closer to my family I can move her to the Nursery which is near my mums run by the same company and there won't be a change in price so I won't lose the discount. They have told me if I need to change DDs days for any reasons they can accommodate that.

So the only reason I can think of that I'd end up paying it back is if I took her out for personal reasons such as I decided I no longer liked the staff. And I'm not likely to remove her, I would try and find a way to make it work - only one school around here has a pre-school/Nursery and that has a huge waiting list so she'd have to move to another private Nursery if I removed her. So it's basically a win-win situation for me and DD, I get £45 extra a month, and DD gets to stay at the Nursery she's happy and settled at.

Yay! Sounds like a good decision. They are being v accommodating I think

You said you can afford the fees so, if you're at all concerned about having to pay anything back, you could save the monthly £45 separately until DD has left nursery.

Mxyzptlk That's a good idea, I could do that, I can afford the fees without the discount so will save the difference.

CatLady when the shit hits the fan it's amazing the folk that can come out onside; in this case the nursery.

I'm juts adding to the chorus of approval and respect around how you've handled this, so very clear sighted.