I’ve lost haven’t I? He’s got what he wanted

[CatLadyToddlerMother]

On Sunday afternoon I was attacked by my husband and he threatened to kill me.

On the advise of the police I left my home with my DD who played two foot from us when this happened.

And I haven’t been back. Because he has. And it doesn’t feel fair. The tenancy is in joint names so he can’t be evicted, and he has the legal right to live there. He won’t sign the form to have his name taken off the tenancy so I can move in.

I’m trying to get an occupancy order but a solicitor won’t act until I can prove I’m entitled to Legal Aid, which I can’t as all my benefits letters are at my flat which I’ve been advised not to go back to by the Housing Association and the Police - I don’t work as DD has a few extra needs so claims DLA and CTC which is my entitlement to LA. I’m waiting for Women’s Aid to assign me a Support Worker so I can prove it another way but they’ve told me as I’m not in immediate danger it could take up to 3 weeks. The housing association have no legal obligation to house DD and I while my name is on that tenancy, and if I sign my name off the tenancy they can place me anywhere in the county which takes me away from my mum and brother (I’m living there atm) who are my biggest support at the moment.

I feel like I’ve lost. He gets to break the law, and still wins. I can’t go out on my own because I’m so scared, I tried to get to DDs Nursery alone yesterday morning and got a quarter of the way and had to call them saying I couldn’t get any further. They were lovely and bought the Nursery car and a car seat and took us both to the Nursery but walking back alone I was shaking and it took ages to get home. My mum had to pick DD up from Nursery.

It’s so unfair. I can’t live like this for another month. My DDs got no toys or clothes, and I feel guilty using my mums bread and milk and food when she’s on a low income herself. I just want to go home.

He’s won hasn’t he? I’m up shit creek without a paddle, still liable for a flat I don’t live in and have no money or clothes.

I feel like such a crap mum, I’ve let my DD down, has I ignored the police and stayed home he wouldn’t have been allowed back and then he’d have had to have tried to get me out which with me having DD would have been hard for him to do.

And I’m so worried he’s going to petition the courts for access to our DD, I don’t like her being out of my sight atm but I know he’s her dad and I can’t stop him seeing her (I never would but I just want time to get my head together and have a home)

You were put at a crossroads, CatLady. Neither of the choices were brilliant but staying in a violent relationship with your little girl witnessing this stuff was obviously the wrong choice.

You and your DD couldn't stay with a violent partner. You did the right thing. You can't run your life going by what bullies (exH & his relatives) might think or do.

If his actions were bad enough that he goes to prison then, definitely, the police needed to be called.

You have support from your SW, HV and nursery, as well as Women's Aid. They will help you to give your DD a good life.

They will NOT turn DD against you.

The End.

KOKO.

you are a Tower of Strength OP...

I'm literally bewildered by Social Services refusal to Supervise Contact.. I'm in Scotland and there is a family resources unit within social services whose purpose is to supervise contact.. wherever required.. I'd ask about this again... and will be someone with experience on here can help you lovely....

I'm so sorry to hear you're having to fight tooth and nail at every corner.. but seriously you've achieved so much.. alone

MIL sounds like a nasty shitbag and it’s clear where her son learned his stuff. You’re doing great, OP - and doing the absolute best for your daughter.

You did the right thing. If his life is fucked up, it's all his own doing.

And no way should you be over it now! Don't beat yourself up, the mental hurt takes longer to heal, so just take each day as it comes. You're doing brilliantly.

Nursery are being overcautious with me. And I don't know why.

Picked DD up, was chatting to one of the staff and she mentioned "mummy and daddy" to DD, I just said "Oh it's just me now, I split with my husband a few weeks back" Not overly upset or anything about it, don't expect everyone to know. Staff member apologised and we moved on to chatting about something else.

The MD just gave me a call to "apologise on behalf of her staff member for causing potential offence". Why? I wasn't offended and won't be lodging a complaint or anything, as I said not every member of staff will no as it's need to know only. Am a bit upset they think I'm such a precious snowflake that I'd be offended by a member of staff getting my family situation wrong - it's need to know only, as far as I know the only people who know are DDs keyworker, the room manager, the MD and the finance manager.

I'm trying not to get upset by it, as I know they're just looking out for me/DD but it's frustrating that people feel that they need to tip toe around me.

I wouldn't call it tiptoeing, rather an assurance that those who do need to know will know.

Staff need to be careful... it's not you it's them... they need to speak in appropriate terms to Parents and Children... they're doing the right thing... don't take it personally OP .. you're doing great

I understand not wanting special treatment or wanting people to tiptoe around you. But I think the nursery are just doing their absolute best to be sensitive and supportive. I don’t think it has anything to do with them thinking you can’t cope or you’re a special snowflake or whatever. I think they are probably as impressed by you as we are and they just want to make things as easy as possible for you.

It’s so clear that the nursery are completely on your side, I was very surprised and touched to read that they offered you a discount out of the blue like that. I think they are doing what they can to help. They obviously like and respect you and your daughter a lot

Thank you everyone, you're right they are generally lovely ladies and the Staff Member was possibly a bit concerned about the split hence mentioning it to MD who then called me.

It's been a rough day that's why I'm overreacting a bit. Women's Aid have got me doing quite intense therapy, and are enrolling me on the freedom program when a space comes up so I'm exhausted. Just getting on the bus is difficult.

I don't think it was personal. So many people get easily offended these days, another parent might have gone off at the deep end at that. The nursery don't know what type of person you are, so they would apologise to anyone that happened to.

OP - it's not personal, or indicative of 'what they thin of you'. ALL staff need to know your situation, not least because of potential safeguarding (If 'daddy' turns up and the member of staff doesn;t know, she might let dd go with him).

When I worked in a school office, we def needed to know any split families, and 'singles', and any possible family problems (one family were picked up by one grandma, but the other had a court order prohibiting her from seeing the kids...)

The staff are on your side.

Context is need here:

Today is my very best friends birthday. She's been an absolute rock to me the last few weeks; middle of the night phonecalls, dropping everything to pick me/DD up when I've been stuck with a bad panic attack, literally texting me everyday to check in with me, she's been great.

So my mum took me to meet her at a restaurant for lunch. My friend posted a few photos of all 3 of us on Facebook (me, friend and DD, mum went somewhere else while we had lunch), plus some presents I bought her - a £1 mug with her favourite character on and a pack of jelly babies as they're her favourite plus a card which I had in the drawer.

ExH asked me yesterday if he could see DD today. I said no. A) because my brother wasn't willing to supervise and B) because I was determined to be well enough to spend time with my friend and wasn't willing to cancel my plans - I made the plans and always try to honour plans I make.

ExH just text me:

"I despise you, why are your plans with (friends name) more important than (DD) seeing her father? I am her family, (friends name) never will be. I am taking you to court over this, I don't think they'll care that it was her birthday, I am her father and should always come first. Don't think I am funding your jollies either, I won't be paying a single penny to you as you clearly don't need my money"

Feeling absolutely awful. I am exhausted from just spending a couple of hours with her, and ExH wanted DD exactly when I had plans with my friend, my friend likes to see DD as well. I feel like I've done something awful for spending time with my friend.

Have I done something wrong? Should I have let DD see her father?

No, he's not allowed unsupervised access and your brother wasn't available. How much notice did he give you?

As you said, your friend has been a rock, you did the right thing going with her for lunch, and you didn't spend loads of money. His maintenance is to help pay for your daughter, and even if you were a millionaire, he would still have to pay it. He's NOT funding you, so what you decide to spend money on is none of his business.

I think though, that your friend should lock down her FB and block him, so he can't see pictures and get info about what you're doing.

He asked last weekend if he could have her, when he saw her, but my brothers working nights from last night until Wednesday so will be asleep most of the day today.

Let him take you to court. I have an ex that still does this. He's been charged with assault , no judge in the land would expect your DD to have unsupervised access

Let him take you to court.

Let him think that 'he won't pay you a penny' - any money that he HAS to pay will go to you for your (joint) daughter! AND this will be decided by the court, not him!

Honestly, let him bluster. He cannot jsut expect to see dd when he wants - HE is the one who has jeopardised contact with his own daughter. Not you. If he wasn't such a violent prick, he would probably be safe to see his own daughter. But as he isn;t, let it roll off you - it's his own fault.

And you can go and see and do whatever the HELL you want. And any money you have is yours, not his.

I hope your friend had a great day (but in future I think I'd ask her not to post pix of you and dd on SM - not for his sake but for yours. It's not necessary, it's not safe, and it could be seen as inflammatory - to him)

And as for I am her father and should always come first. - he should have thought of that when he was beating you up in front of his daughter. If he wants to 'come first' he needs to put HER first, and stop exposing her to abuse (by abusing you). He's lucky he's not in jail, not just looking at supervised contact!

SHE comes first. Not him. And you are doing that. He isn't, and hasn't. And obviously won't - threatening to 'not pay a penny' - what does he think she'll live on? Is that putting her first?

I am so angry for you OP.

Love hos ex-MIL thinks this is her battle to fight.

"Just to let you know I'm calling your social worker on Monday as I am very concerned for (DDs name)s welfare. I will be tell her that you've been preventing my son from seeing his child, you can't just make any rules you like about her seeing us and I am going to fight to see her and will win whether you like it or not. If necessary she can move in with us. See how you like not seeing every day"

My women's aid support worker said to ignore any messages that aren't from ExH but to keep them. She said if they take me to court I can prove that I have always put DDs welfare first - I contacted her Nursery and Social Worker within 24 hours of it happening, I've sorted money out with my benefits etc, and I am working to get his name off the tenancy. I also have photos of every meal I've fed her and evidence of how much she's eaten on every night since the split - not that I will need these as what I feed my child is not their business. I've kept her in her routine, Nursery have said that I've said things like "I copy the times you feed the children here" and "She has her nap at roughly the same time as she does at Nursery when at home" so can prove I am sticking to a routine and putting DD first.

I am feeling sick reading that though. The fear that they're going to take my child away from me and her routine

don't respond to anything from the Grandmother/Grandfather.. block them... you don't need to be communicating with them on any level..

tell your EX he must go to Court for access.. and stop letting these people bully you.. they're embarrassing themselves..

Gemini I've been told not to block them but to ignore their messages, the only person I need to respond to is ExH.

only respond to your EX when it's 'strictly' in relation to your DD

Gemini That's exactly the advice I've been given, only respond to ExH if he's asking a question or for information about DD and only give him the information I am comfortable with giving. I don't have to go into great detail "she's fine, done x and y this week" is a perfectly adequate response to him.

My ex's family hated me. Then when my child was old enough Dd told them everything he had done. Everyone of them turned there back on him. Took 10 years but do you know. Felt fucking great! Couldn't give a shit if they talk to him, but they know the truth. That's what made me feel better... along with an apology.
Keep your head up op, you know the truth. That's the main thing !