I’ve lost haven’t I? He’s got what he wanted

[CatLadyToddlerMother]

On Sunday afternoon I was attacked by my husband and he threatened to kill me.

On the advise of the police I left my home with my DD who played two foot from us when this happened.

And I haven’t been back. Because he has. And it doesn’t feel fair. The tenancy is in joint names so he can’t be evicted, and he has the legal right to live there. He won’t sign the form to have his name taken off the tenancy so I can move in.

I’m trying to get an occupancy order but a solicitor won’t act until I can prove I’m entitled to Legal Aid, which I can’t as all my benefits letters are at my flat which I’ve been advised not to go back to by the Housing Association and the Police - I don’t work as DD has a few extra needs so claims DLA and CTC which is my entitlement to LA. I’m waiting for Women’s Aid to assign me a Support Worker so I can prove it another way but they’ve told me as I’m not in immediate danger it could take up to 3 weeks. The housing association have no legal obligation to house DD and I while my name is on that tenancy, and if I sign my name off the tenancy they can place me anywhere in the county which takes me away from my mum and brother (I’m living there atm) who are my biggest support at the moment.

I feel like I’ve lost. He gets to break the law, and still wins. I can’t go out on my own because I’m so scared, I tried to get to DDs Nursery alone yesterday morning and got a quarter of the way and had to call them saying I couldn’t get any further. They were lovely and bought the Nursery car and a car seat and took us both to the Nursery but walking back alone I was shaking and it took ages to get home. My mum had to pick DD up from Nursery.

It’s so unfair. I can’t live like this for another month. My DDs got no toys or clothes, and I feel guilty using my mums bread and milk and food when she’s on a low income herself. I just want to go home.

He’s won hasn’t he? I’m up shit creek without a paddle, still liable for a flat I don’t live in and have no money or clothes.

I feel like such a crap mum, I’ve let my DD down, has I ignored the police and stayed home he wouldn’t have been allowed back and then he’d have had to have tried to get me out which with me having DD would have been hard for him to do.

And I’m so worried he’s going to petition the courts for access to our DD, I don’t like her being out of my sight atm but I know he’s her dad and I can’t stop him seeing her (I never would but I just want time to get my head together and have a home)

Behaviour today is awful.

She's kicked me, twice, thrown stuff around and every time I say something she doesn't like it results in the tears starting and her throwing herself on the floor.

I know she's just reacting to the situation and is confused where daddys gone, but yet again it feels unfair. He swoops in, plays with her for a bit then disappears again and I deal with the fall out...

That's the way that age can be. My dd went into the most appalling stage of tantrums when she was that age because her visiting father forgot to say goodbye one time. Patience. Two years old is the most wonderful and most difficult age.

Coyoacan She's delayed by around 9 months so is more like a just turned 2 year old so I think the terrible twos have hit.

Two years olds are seriously amazing little things! One moment a melt down, the next they're doing something fabulous. I was constantly watching dd and thinking "omg! When did she learn that? How did she learn that?", from working out that if she pushed a chair over there and then climbed on it then she could reach that, to the mist profound observations.....

But, yeah, tantrums. OK, tiring, emotionally draining. I would watch her tantrumming, as calmly as I could, and when she'd calmed down just ask if she'd had fun? Or whether she felt better (yes? Oh good!).

They do grow out of tantrums, as they're mostly born out of frustration and as they can do more and understand more the tantrums lessen. But yes, can be hard to deal with. Don't take them personally and don't take them too seriously, and utter the old MN mantra "this too shall pass" to yourself a lot! It did help me enormously.

I am starting to enjoy being on my own.

ExH would never let me cook, as I apparently used everything he hated and apparently DD wouldn't like it.

Just watched her eat a cottage pie I made. The mash was a bit too lumpy but you live and learn, eh?

Lumpy mash is lovely! you can taste the potato. I hate mash that is all wet, you lose the spud flavour.

DD will love your cooking. Mash, bolognese, chili.... the world's your oyster, and the Essential You has got her head above ground again! Hooray

She also enjoyed the egg hunt earlier. And I enjoyed a much needed bath.

She didn't really know what was going on apparently, but enjoyed running around after the older children. She didn't find any eggs herself but one of the older children gave her one of theirs as they found a couple (there was enough eggs for every child taking part to have one each) so I feel less guilty that I only got her one.

Sounds like she had fun - and she got an extra egg!

Btw, one egg is quite enough. We only give dd one too.

I didn't get my 4 year old any. 😬 luckily GP did!!

I have no helpful advice but NEVER EVER think you are a crap mum for leaving. Your dd will grow up knowing what love is and how strong her mum is because you had the courage to walk away. Yes your situation is not ideal by any stretch of the imagination but it is going to get so much better. Hang on in there brave lady you are on the up. massive hugs x

Never got a reply from my MP but I think he may have sorted it.

Had a call from the Housing Officer asking me to go into the Housing Associations office later this week to sign a new tenancy with just my name on!

Brilliant news, CatLady. Everything is falling into place.

Thats great OP! Hope it is all going your way

Hooray! Great news, CatLady!

Yay! Bet that's a relief!

Also just had an email from the finance manager at DDs Nursery (it's a highly regarded private nursery).

Apparently she's been talking to the Managing Director and they feel that DD benefits from her time in Nursery so are offering me a 20% lone parents discount for the remainder of her time with them if I agree to keep her with them until August 2019 (she starts school September 2019).

I never asked for a discount, but it'll save me £45 a month

That's brilliant OP! Very very pleased for you

Sounds good, but check the contract. It sounds like they might charge you some sort of fee if something unexpected comes up and you have to pull her out before that date.

Motoko Of course I will, if needs be I'll refuse the discount I can afford to pay the fees without the discount.

Keep strong, your doing great !

I'm so happy to see you've been getting some good news. Once you feel a bit more relaxed about the situation your DD may be calmer. Having your DBro and DM there for contact visits sounds good too.

Glad to hear that!

Just took a walk into town with DD just for some fresh air as it's such a nice day and I haven't been out of the house much the last few weeks. Bumped into Ex-MIL.

DD was asleep in her pushchair (she usually has a nap 11.30/11.45ish-1pm) and Ex-MIL said I'd deliberately made DD go to sleep so she couldn't talk to her...no idea how that works, have you ever tried to force a 2 year old to go to sleep? Also I don't have X-Ray vision/mind reading powers I had no idea I was going to bump into her. She then ranted at me about how childish I am being, and do I know what not seeing DD is doing to her mother (Ex-MILs mum, so DDs great grandmother) and how could I be so cruel? Do I know that her daughter (Ex-SIL) is doing child development at University and she's told Ex-MIL that a child needs their grandparents in the first 5 years of their lives for good healthy brain development. She didn't ask about DD, or how she's getting on at Nursery, or ask if her son was seeing her soon or anything. Clearly cares about her doesn't she?

Saw a neighbour from the next street on the way home and told her what happened as she'd seen on Facebook I was now single. She was horrified and said ExH didn't seem like the sort, but if I wanted a chat or a babysitter or just a cup of tea to knock on her door.

Talking about it has made me anxious though. It's been over 4 weeks now, and I've started counselling, although Women's Aid said it may be too soon and I might have to stop and start again when my head is physically ready. I feel like I should be over it by now, and getting on with my life. I've been told to not be so hard on myself but I'm not used to this feeling. I still feel like I've ruined my daughters life, and I feel like going the police was the wrong thing to do, I've ruined his life too, if he goes to prison because of me, I don't think he or his family will ever forgive me, and that scares me as they'll likely either cut DD out or turn her against me. Losing my DD to them would be the end for me, I don't care what happens to me, they can beat me senseless, knock me down with words or harass me, but my DD is the reason I am doing all this. I can't lose her in all this as well, not after such a fight not just against them but to get her diagnosises because I know they'd ignore all that and say "she's fine now".

Oh god the thought makes me feel sick

You have to remember that if he goes to prison it’s because of HIM not you

Hi CatLady, I’m new to you thread. Just wanted to say that I think you are doing amazingly. Honestly I’m in awe of you.

What spectacular bad luck that you bumped into ex-MIL today She is a manipulative cow and I hope you can just block out and ignore all the crap she’s said.

You absolutely should not be over it by now. You’re still working on the practicalities (although you’ve made amazing progress). The emotional healing is going to take much, much longer.

Hang on in there. None of this is your fault. You have most definitely done the right thing for yourself and your daughter.