I’ve lost haven’t I? He’s got what he wanted

[CatLadyToddlerMother]

On Sunday afternoon I was attacked by my husband and he threatened to kill me.

On the advise of the police I left my home with my DD who played two foot from us when this happened.

And I haven’t been back. Because he has. And it doesn’t feel fair. The tenancy is in joint names so he can’t be evicted, and he has the legal right to live there. He won’t sign the form to have his name taken off the tenancy so I can move in.

I’m trying to get an occupancy order but a solicitor won’t act until I can prove I’m entitled to Legal Aid, which I can’t as all my benefits letters are at my flat which I’ve been advised not to go back to by the Housing Association and the Police - I don’t work as DD has a few extra needs so claims DLA and CTC which is my entitlement to LA. I’m waiting for Women’s Aid to assign me a Support Worker so I can prove it another way but they’ve told me as I’m not in immediate danger it could take up to 3 weeks. The housing association have no legal obligation to house DD and I while my name is on that tenancy, and if I sign my name off the tenancy they can place me anywhere in the county which takes me away from my mum and brother (I’m living there atm) who are my biggest support at the moment.

I feel like I’ve lost. He gets to break the law, and still wins. I can’t go out on my own because I’m so scared, I tried to get to DDs Nursery alone yesterday morning and got a quarter of the way and had to call them saying I couldn’t get any further. They were lovely and bought the Nursery car and a car seat and took us both to the Nursery but walking back alone I was shaking and it took ages to get home. My mum had to pick DD up from Nursery.

It’s so unfair. I can’t live like this for another month. My DDs got no toys or clothes, and I feel guilty using my mums bread and milk and food when she’s on a low income herself. I just want to go home.

He’s won hasn’t he? I’m up shit creek without a paddle, still liable for a flat I don’t live in and have no money or clothes.

I feel like such a crap mum, I’ve let my DD down, has I ignored the police and stayed home he wouldn’t have been allowed back and then he’d have had to have tried to get me out which with me having DD would have been hard for him to do.

And I’m so worried he’s going to petition the courts for access to our DD, I don’t like her being out of my sight atm but I know he’s her dad and I can’t stop him seeing her (I never would but I just want time to get my head together and have a home)

I am so astounded at how grounded and sensible you are, OP. I could learn something from you.

But don't worry about the church service. Take it as a cultural experience.

Your entitlement for legal aid will come with the letter you can get from the police to say there was domestic abuse. You dont just get it because your on benefits anymore.
So to the council and explain your situation and they can give you a loan I can't think what it's called at the min but they can help you.
If I was you I'd get your name of the tenancy and start again, I've done it myself and yes it's hard but you can do it. If he decides to trash the flat your 50% liable for the damage even tho your not there and do you really want to move into a flat alone where he can get access again.
If your bank cards are at the flat report them and get some new ones send to your mum's or worst case ask for the police to help you gain access to get your stuff.
It's all alot of work and effort and at the min you feel so low your not sure you can do it all...correct? The answer is you can. You have got a DD watching you show her how strong women are. Good luck xxxx

All respect to you for those texts. Couldn't have imagined anything more perfect

I've just rtft and I think you've done amazingly well. You've had good advice from lots of people (and the odd victim blamer which is obviously par for the course!). I just wanted to follow up on the MP, did they respond. If not, follow up with an update and ask for their help with the HA.

I would absolutely let her go to the Easter hunt. Theres no harm at all and you get a break. Make sure you do something nice for yourself during that time though, bath, Easter egg, rubbish tv comes to mind.

Well done, you sound like a fab mum.

I'd definitely let her go to the Easter egg hunt OP. Even with a Service afterwards. When she goes to school she will learn about all sorts of religions, and he couldn't stop that - it's part of the national curriculum.

I only drink on Saturdays and Sundays. No idea why, probably because that's the only time I ever saw my mum drink alcohol even though she had 2 children just over a year apart which couldn't have been easy. To be fair to her now she only drinks on Christmas Day, her Birthday, mine and my brothers birthdays and at weddings/funerals which is only 5-6 times a year.

DD in bed. So treating myself to a glass tonight. I've got two bottles open in the fridge but I've opened the expensive bottle my granddad bought me for Christmas which ExH wouldn't let me open until I'd finished my other two bottles. Sod him, it's my wine

I'm not going to be updating this thread at least for a few days. I need to give myself a social media break and the Easter Sunday/bank holiday seems like the ideal time.

Happy Easter Everyone!

Happy Easter OP !

Tonight I am not drinking! I normally have one or two a night - I bought some de-alcoholised wine and I've drunk most of that bottle (very nice too - and cheaper)

Happy Easter OP!

Wasn't going to post but feel awful.

DBro offered to supervise contact at my mums house for today. ExH jumped at the chance. My DBro organised it all as I said I wasn't going to do the organising. He only organised it because he knows DD wants to see her dad and ExH isn't trying to organise anything.

ExH walks in and DD ran up to him "daddy daddy" all giggly and excited, lifted her arms for a cuddle. She's never done that with me . He's got her this huge Easter Egg with her name on and a soft toy. I could only stretch to a Peppa Pig egg that was £2 in Tesco because he's left me skint. And yet he apparently has no money because it's all tied up in that bank account.

I left and walked home as I felt so sad. I'm actually crying writing this. Selfishly I don't want to share her, but I have to because he's her dad.

Just waiting for my DM to bring her home. DBro just text to say ExH has gone home so I should get her back in a bit. My DM is only 20 minutes away.

ExH walks in and DD ran up to him "daddy daddy" all giggly and excited, lifted her arms for a cuddle. She's never done that with me

My dgd is the same with her dad and my dd finds it very hard. Now we've also had to stop all contact because of his violence. I think they know their mothers are always going to be there, so don't need to even think about the love they feel for you.

She's home!

Hardest thing I ever did was that.

Apparently he was great with her. Playing with her and laughing. But he was there less than an hour. I left at 3.30 and my mum bought her back to me at 4.50pm, he left mums at about 4.25 apparently.

Still feel awful, but she's home. I've given her a big bowl of her favourite ice cream chocolate chip. She's definitely my child! but I know I can't do that everytime she sees him. He's already asked my DBro when he can have her overnight.

He was such a bad father when we were together, why is he suddenly doing ok?

I'll probably have another little cry once she's in bed.

He was such a bad father when we were together, why is he suddenly doing ok?

Because anyone can play nicely with a sweet toddler for an hour or two. And that isn’t parenting. Parenting is all the other stuff. Which you’re doing.

So easy for him to swan in, be Disney dad for an hour or two and then sod off.

Try not to take it personally. My DD runs up all giggly and excited and throws herself on people all the time but hardly ever hugs me or her dad, I asked her why once and she said 'I'm surprised to see them, I see you all the time'.

Hyper True, he won't have changed her nappy as I did that before I left. And my mum always leaves a drink and a snack on the little side table for her so he literally had to play with her.

lf he's accepted a police caution, he's signed to say he admits the offence. l agree with the comment/s saying ask the police to go with you to the flat to collect whatever you need. This isn't an extraordinary thing, they'll be well used to doing it. Stay safe x

He was such a bad father when we were together, why is he suddenly doing ok?

He played with her for less than an hour, that isn't doing ok, that's doing the easy stuff while it suits him then getting bored. An Ok father would have arranged the visit himself and stayed as long as he physically could.

Kats I am now back in the flat and have got ExH out. Police did offer en escort but it was when they were available and I was back home before it got to that point.

Next mission is to try and get his name off the tenancy.

Re the running up and shouting Daddy Daddy Daddy - I pick my two up from nursery 3 nights a week, (Daddy drops them off in the mornings), and most nights we have to call Daddy from the car, and if he doesn't answer I have the most almighty strops from my 3 and 1 year old! They see me 2 extra days a week but its all about him at pick up - one of my first questions from the eldest is 'Is Daddy at home!'

You are all right that he couldn’t really be bothered. And I know it stings now because my DD is only 2 so she doesn’t really understand.

It’s just so hard that I have to let her see him.

It’s just so hard that I have to let her see him

But you do HAVE TO let her see him at the moment. It may well be for the best to let her see him, but there is no court order in place.

Please don't let him have her overnight.
He hasn't done anything to show he can be trusted with that. In fact, pushing for it to your DBro, after only 1 hour with his child, shows that he sees the whole thing as being all about him.

Coyoacan But as I said earlier in the thread I believe it's safe and appropriate to do so children should see both children. That is why all contact is in a public place/place he can't easily get angry with her.

My DBro organised it all today because he's a sweetheart and loves his niece and supervised it. ExH wouldn't have tried anything with my DBro and DM there, and DD is comfortable enough with them to be able to let them know there is a problem. And also my DM could get DD out of the room had ExH kicked off while DBro made sure he didn't get to her (DD is used to sleeping in my DMs flat and also DMs neighbour has a 2 year old that DD plays with sometimes so DM would probably take her there)

It's just hard for me as her mother because this is a man who hurt me. But I trust my DBro and DM with my life, and my DDs life so I know they'd protect her and get her out of a situation she could potentially get hurt in. DBro is only a year younger than me and we've always been close, we speak either via text or a phonecall every day and he visits me here and me at DMs/his once a fortnight or so. He honestly would do whatever he could for DD.

Oh god no, I won't even consider overnight yet, he needs to do way more to prove to me he can keep her safe!

And I think the choice will be taken out of my hands soon anyway as the deadline for him to meet the terms of his caution is fast approaching, and from he's told me/my DBro he's not even attempted to sort himself out. And so if he did take me to court the Social Worker said I could use that as evidence that he doesn't have DDs best interests in mind.

*I believe IF it's safe an appropriate to do so children should see both parents

No idea what happened to my typing there.

You are SO together, CatLady, and I agree with you. I'm just a bit bitter.