I’ve lost haven’t I? He’s got what he wanted

[CatLadyToddlerMother]

On Sunday afternoon I was attacked by my husband and he threatened to kill me.

On the advise of the police I left my home with my DD who played two foot from us when this happened.

And I haven’t been back. Because he has. And it doesn’t feel fair. The tenancy is in joint names so he can’t be evicted, and he has the legal right to live there. He won’t sign the form to have his name taken off the tenancy so I can move in.

I’m trying to get an occupancy order but a solicitor won’t act until I can prove I’m entitled to Legal Aid, which I can’t as all my benefits letters are at my flat which I’ve been advised not to go back to by the Housing Association and the Police - I don’t work as DD has a few extra needs so claims DLA and CTC which is my entitlement to LA. I’m waiting for Women’s Aid to assign me a Support Worker so I can prove it another way but they’ve told me as I’m not in immediate danger it could take up to 3 weeks. The housing association have no legal obligation to house DD and I while my name is on that tenancy, and if I sign my name off the tenancy they can place me anywhere in the county which takes me away from my mum and brother (I’m living there atm) who are my biggest support at the moment.

I feel like I’ve lost. He gets to break the law, and still wins. I can’t go out on my own because I’m so scared, I tried to get to DDs Nursery alone yesterday morning and got a quarter of the way and had to call them saying I couldn’t get any further. They were lovely and bought the Nursery car and a car seat and took us both to the Nursery but walking back alone I was shaking and it took ages to get home. My mum had to pick DD up from Nursery.

It’s so unfair. I can’t live like this for another month. My DDs got no toys or clothes, and I feel guilty using my mums bread and milk and food when she’s on a low income herself. I just want to go home.

He’s won hasn’t he? I’m up shit creek without a paddle, still liable for a flat I don’t live in and have no money or clothes.

I feel like such a crap mum, I’ve let my DD down, has I ignored the police and stayed home he wouldn’t have been allowed back and then he’d have had to have tried to get me out which with me having DD would have been hard for him to do.

And I’m so worried he’s going to petition the courts for access to our DD, I don’t like her being out of my sight atm but I know he’s her dad and I can’t stop him seeing her (I never would but I just want time to get my head together and have a home)

Personally I'd go back to the sw, ask her to make the referral, tell her his threats to snatch from nursery etc. And that you don't think his parents will let him return her to you. Clearly this has medical implications for her.

If you really want to avoid contact centres I would set up yourself a time with your cousin, in their house so there are physical boundaries. I would arrange it yourself so it works around nursery etc, and his work/commitments as you know them. I'd then tell him last minute, so he doesn't have time to make plans. Tell him if his parents or anyone else turns up with him none of them will be let in. That way you can say you tried your best to give him contact as the court will ask.

Have you tried getting in touch with your local ward councillor? He/she might be able to contact the HA to sort this nonsense out.

If he works could you not collect your things while he's at work? I don't know much about housing association properties, are you allowed change the locks? If possible I'd change the locks, move back to your mum's and wait for things to calm down, and get a barring order.

I'm not convinced a contact centre is best for me or DD at the moment, I can barely get to Nursery which is less than a mile away without crying and feeling anxious. I have to have some one come on the bus with me to go to the Women's Aid place to have my counselling, they pay for that. I don't feel safe to drive at the moment. I can't afford to be spending £10+ to get a bus and/or train to a contact centre, let alone taking a friend with me. Also as the Social Worker has just pointed out when I asked her about it (she rung me as I was coming through the door from the vets), with the cat back and forth to the vets, DD unsettled at Nursery and having my own counselling and mental health to battle, is it worth the extra stress? She will make the referral if I'm 100% sure that's what I want but I'm not sure it's in DDs best interests or even if it is, whether it's worth the hassle for me to get her there. I am not struggling for money, but my own mental health is fragile and I do need to be reducing my stress not increasing it.

I do not want to supervise contact, I can't even see his name on my phone without feeling scared let alone be in the same room as him. Typing this now is making a knot develop in my belly. My cousin lives with my 85 year old granddad so couldn't have contact there as it's not fair to my granddad. So we have no other choice but to make it in a public place. He's not organising anything at the moment though, apart from repeatedly asking to take her to his parents so I don't think we need to worry for awhile.

Yes my cousin couldn't stop him running off with her, but knowing ExH and the fact he's told me the resident parent stuff is coming from his family I don't think he'd try anything. I'm not even 100% sure it's him texting me/replying to my emails, I think it could be his mum and/or grandmother. But he always told me when we were together he couldn't do what I do, so I honestly think he wouldn't take her unless his parents are whispering in his ear. Plus his job has variable shifts and hours which he'd never change (I begged him to while we were together and he kept saying "No I like my job"), so he'd have to try and find flexible childcare - both his parents work fulltime and his grandparents already look after his 3 year old cousin 4 days a week so he'd struggle without me basically - hate to sound like I have a sense of over importance but he couldn't be the resident parent without making major changes to his lifestyle.

Ok I've caught up a bit.

I would actually just refuse contact due to his violence and his parents pushing the agenda of him becoming resident parent. This buys you time.

I would block his ability to contact you and focus on getting a molestation order so he can't come near you or the property and therefore can't move in

I would refuse contact too. If he wants to, he can arrange a public place and you can think about it.

I'd change your locks regardless of what HA say - let them take you to court about it. They won't.

Just shut them all out for now, until you feel stronger. Block them all.

Unless the HA try to let themselves in, they won't know if you've changed your locks.

Oh, and if they did find out, well, your key broke in the lock, so you had to get a new one.

Ex-MIL just text saying she's got some Easter Eggs for DD, I said back that her son could arrange with me to see DD and he could give them to her then she has loads here anyway so won't miss out. She asked if there was anyway she could see DD. So I went into a bit of a rant and text back:

"If you really want to see her, and to spend time with her. Firstly you need to stop telling (ExH) that what he's done isn't "so bad" and stop telling him that I am using (DD) as a weapon. Whatever you might think of me I have not stopped him seeing her, I have followed the advice of the Social Workers. And considering (Exh) was arrested and charged with assaulting me, it's pretty serious what's happened. You have to understand that due to that the Social Workers, the Police, and everyone else who is involved with this are understandably worried what he might do to (DD), she's only little and he managed to draw blood on my arm and make me fear for my life, imagine what he could do to (DD)? You also need to accept that my decisions are mine as her mother and in her best interests. She has a disability, whether you believe that or not, and I need to make my decisions about that based on the situation I am presented with.

Secondly also reign your husband in. He spent most of last week hassling me for a discussion about a bank account which is not the business of neither you or (Ex-FIL). I have not held (ExH)s money "hostage" or "stolen" it as you keep saying. He is not homeless and he will not starve so therefore I've taken understandable action until (ExH) and I can stand to be in the same room as each other to discuss it and decide what happens to that money. And also tell (Ex-FIL) that the support and conversations I have with my mother are non of his business and she will not discuss anything I have told her with him, nor will she be "meeting" him to discuss my marriage. She told him twice to leave her alone and he still continued to hassle her until she had to block him.

Finally, work with me not against me. If (ExH) doesn't meet the terms of his caution then he will end up in prison. By fighting me then your pushing your chances of seeing (DD) further and further back so that if he does end up inside you may not get to see her until his release. I do not want to keep her from her family, but by calling me names, shouting at me while I am shopping and upsetting my mum then I will not feel that (DD) is safe with you, and therefore will keep her with me where she is safe. I also worry about what you might tell her about me.

I understand your need to protect your son, I understand you want to help, but if he was my son I wouldn't be encouraging him to ignore the terms of his caution, I wouldn't be trying to make the situation worse for the other parent of my grandchild who is now left raising them singlehandedly. I wouldn't be encouraging my son to try and take his child from Nursery, where she has disclosed to the staff exactly what she witnessed, because they're feeding this back to the Social Workers and the people involved in her care what she is saying and what she understands - which I will admit even I was surprised by. She has to know that she has a safe place, and it is not the job of (Nursery Manager) to deal with (ExHs) mental health. And while I know that (ExH) isn't concerned over what she witnessed I am. And I am now having to work with the Nursery to stop her from copying what she's seen.

You don't have to like me, but if I was you I'd be trying to make the situation work. The answer to your question is simple. Prove to me you can keep my daughter safe, and I will allow you to see her. Until that point don't contact me again"

Probably OTT, but god I needed that rant.

Flipping heck, OP!

Very, very well put! If that doesn't explain to her how what she is doing is counter to her own plans (to see dd) then nothing will.

And very well done re exFIL. He's another who will end up in trouble if he continues - well done for pointing this all out in words of one syllable.

I'm in AWE!!!! (And it wasn't OTT in any way)

I've said public place like a park or soft play with a mutual friend supervising.

Please don't go for this.
He's already threatened to take DD from nursery. Your friends won't be able to stop him taking her from a public place.

Great text to exMiL!

Very good text lass.

That's a brilliant text, not OTT at all. You've spelt out clearly the consequences of their actions (past and possible future actions).

Well done!

Fantastic, CatLady! Certainly not OTT. Very clear and well put. If she doesn't understand that then she's either mentally sub-normal or as psycho as her son.

I love the way the ball is now completely in her court, that she has been put at the centre of the problem - sort out your stupid aggressive menfolk instead of egging them on.

Well done, very, very well done!

And I agree that a friend won't be able to stop him taking dd if he wants to, so no meeting under those circumstances. He's going to have to grow up a bit and control his actions, take responsibility and show he is capable of being trusted to do so.

Interesting dilemma now.

My mum has a friend, J. J and her husband are quite religious and run the churches Sunday school. On Easter Monday they're having an Egg Hunt with all the children and then a childrens service for Easter.

J has asked if she can take DD to the egg hunt and service.

I'm not religious despite being brought up Christian and I know ExH would object, but I know DD would love the egg hunt and she knows J well and would behave for her. Part of me wants to say "yes take her" I also would like a couple of hours break, and J will be taking her grandchild whose the same age as DD (exactly 10 days older than DD) so she'll enjoy it but then I also want to say no, as I know ExH wouldn't like it (he's not remotely religious and doesn't want DD being bought up that way). But I'm not sure if he could use it against me if he took me to court?

Do I say yes or no?

Of course he couldn’t use an Easter egg hunt against you.

It's the service afterwards I'm more worried about as J will stay for that. I'm not bothered if she sits through the service but ExH might have problem with it.

Don’t see the problem with an Easter Egg hunt.

Off topic, your phone let’s you send really long texts,, - mine would have given up a third of the way through

Aridane It was several text messages, I think 5 in all.

Ah - I was getting serious phone envy...

It's an egg hunt. Your exH has no say in anything right now. Please stop considering if he'd like something or not.

I'm also athiest but I'm not in any way offended by this, it sounds like a lovely gesture and you need the break.

I can't see a problem with her going to the service, it's not like you're going to christen her against his will (which is what my ex did to our son when he took him on holiday with his family, despite knowing I wanted our son to be able to choose when he was older!).

I think if he found out and it went to court, I doubt they'd do anything about it, especially after hearing your side.

It'll be nice for your DD, and you deserve a couple of hours of me time.

How is he even going to know? You are resident parent and you are permitted to make day to day decisions.