I’ve lost haven’t I? He’s got what he wanted

[CatLadyToddlerMother]

On Sunday afternoon I was attacked by my husband and he threatened to kill me.

On the advise of the police I left my home with my DD who played two foot from us when this happened.

And I haven’t been back. Because he has. And it doesn’t feel fair. The tenancy is in joint names so he can’t be evicted, and he has the legal right to live there. He won’t sign the form to have his name taken off the tenancy so I can move in.

I’m trying to get an occupancy order but a solicitor won’t act until I can prove I’m entitled to Legal Aid, which I can’t as all my benefits letters are at my flat which I’ve been advised not to go back to by the Housing Association and the Police - I don’t work as DD has a few extra needs so claims DLA and CTC which is my entitlement to LA. I’m waiting for Women’s Aid to assign me a Support Worker so I can prove it another way but they’ve told me as I’m not in immediate danger it could take up to 3 weeks. The housing association have no legal obligation to house DD and I while my name is on that tenancy, and if I sign my name off the tenancy they can place me anywhere in the county which takes me away from my mum and brother (I’m living there atm) who are my biggest support at the moment.

I feel like I’ve lost. He gets to break the law, and still wins. I can’t go out on my own because I’m so scared, I tried to get to DDs Nursery alone yesterday morning and got a quarter of the way and had to call them saying I couldn’t get any further. They were lovely and bought the Nursery car and a car seat and took us both to the Nursery but walking back alone I was shaking and it took ages to get home. My mum had to pick DD up from Nursery.

It’s so unfair. I can’t live like this for another month. My DDs got no toys or clothes, and I feel guilty using my mums bread and milk and food when she’s on a low income herself. I just want to go home.

He’s won hasn’t he? I’m up shit creek without a paddle, still liable for a flat I don’t live in and have no money or clothes.

I feel like such a crap mum, I’ve let my DD down, has I ignored the police and stayed home he wouldn’t have been allowed back and then he’d have had to have tried to get me out which with me having DD would have been hard for him to do.

And I’m so worried he’s going to petition the courts for access to our DD, I don’t like her being out of my sight atm but I know he’s her dad and I can’t stop him seeing her (I never would but I just want time to get my head together and have a home)

Is a transfer order some internal documentation and the person you have spoken to has got confused?

OP have you asked about the form d50b? Do a search online you'll find the form. I'm hoping to use this too.

Pho I saw that but according to the HA I still need to get ExH to sign it so either way I'm in no better a position. And my solicitor says that form still needs to be considered by a court.

Yes the transfer has to be ordered by the court. Are you married? The form can be used as part of the settlement. My HA is being a pain too. I don't get it. The whole point of social housing is to help those in need. I'm keen to make a complaint about HA but I don't know how. Have you looked into their policies? Sometimes people working there are not well informed.

I understand your position as I have been through the same with regards to the joint tenancy. I haven't read all of the post so forgive me if i'm repeating anything!
First of all well done for getting out!!! it takes a shit load of courage to do it!!! second of all- say if you did go through the courts and were awarded the house would you feel safe there?
I was left the same option as you and I decided to withdraw my name from the tenancy, I packed as much as I could and never went back. Im not saying this is right for your situation but it was for me. I stayed with family for a few weeks while I set up a private rent for myself and son. It was hard, we lost a lot, but we are in a place I chose and he has no idea where we are. Just think about how you would feel going back and living there before you put yourself through it all xx

dandelion OP is back at her house. He's moved out, but OP's having trouble getting the HA to take his name off the tenancy.

Pho Yes married with both our names on the tenancy. I've already got an occupation order to force him out, but the Housing Association are saying they don't have to accept it (which Shelter have backed up) so it doesn't force his name off the Tenancy so his name is still on it. Solicitor has never heard of a transfer order and I need to get the tenancy in my name before I get divorced as I haven't decided when I'm going to divorce and while his name is on the tenancy he can move back in at any point and force me and/or DD out. He could move in and decide to be resident parent to DD which would be a disaster.

There is nothing to stop you applying for a residency order now? Not requesting that any future contact is initially in a contact centre due to his DV. Same with applying for an order to keep him away from you and where you reside.

Random the nearest contact centre to us is nearly 40 miles away I don't think a contact centre would work.

FFS, this is why I am so angry that he hasn't sort his mental health out before. There is a bit of a backstory, in that he struggled to adjust to parenthood and used to get very angry and frustrated took it out on furniture and internal doors. He's never hurt DD and this incident was the first time he's hurt me. But this bullshit winds me up.

He's just text me "Hi Catty*, it's been over a month now, so can I see (DDs name). My mum keeps telling me what I did isn't that bad and your over exaggerating your injuries and the impact for drama, which is typical of you isn't it?"

His fucking mother has told him what he did to me is "not that bad". So that's why the police arrested him, because it's not that bad? That's why the Social Worker keeps telling me to allow supervised contact with him? .

I have never ever been a drama queen. I went to the police for him, so he would hopefully get the help he so clearly needs to be the best father he can be to DD. That is why I am receiving counselling twice a week from Women's Aid. I would never keep DD from him, I have always said that children have a right to know both parents if it is safe and appropriate for the child/ren to do so, and agree with the laws in that area. He knows this! He was with me for 6 sodding years, lived together for nearly 3 years.

I am so scared that this is going to go wrong if his mum and/or dad are saying that it's not that bad. He's going to end up hurting my baby . I don't know what to do.

*A nickname only he uses which started when we first got together.

I would go back and say that he can see dd in a contact centre if ge wishes to see her before anything is formalised and to let you know when he has made an arrangement with them.
Ignore his mother and her comments. They are just trying to get to you. It is difficult for a mother to see her son has done wrong, doubly so if this is stopping her seeing her gd.
You have been so strong, don't give up!

Make your solicitors next job a (temporary?) Residency order for DD, stating suitable supervision as per social worker, and to sort out your tenancy.
Keep fighting!

Little The problem we have with a contact centre is it's 40 miles away, and I'd have to pay my travel there plus then find something for me to do for 2 hours while he saw DD, so it's not worth the hassle.

I've said public place like a park or soft play with a mutual friend supervising.

No advice but in my eyes you are a hero! You saved yourself and your daughter. In her eyes you will be a hero too. Best wishes for the future.

Do you think he would actually organise a contact centre though - if he won't phone anyone?

Little No he wouldn't but he's pushing me for supervised contact by his parents. My worry is he's threatening to take her from Nursery. I'm going to try and apply for a prohibitive steps order and am looking at a residency order as well - I think this will be in DDs best interests anyway given her developmental delays and the fact his family don't believe she has anything wrong.

More money to throw at the problem given you don't get legal aid for child custody cases.

I would reply as your mother has said what you did "wasn't that bad" it clearly shows that your parents are totally unsuitable to supervise contact. It is not open to discussion I will stick with what DD's social work wants.

State offer again - this is available on x or y day only contact me to let me know which suits you best and you are not to bring anyone else with you.

You have said he has MH problems, this will probably mean he will be minimising and excusing his actions, and not really accepting that you will no longer be with him. H ewill blame you, undermine you, make you doubt yourself. Detach from what he wants/thinks and just think about what is best for dd and you. If you have spent 6 years 'managing' his moods this will be difficult.

Put in a written complaint to the HA with all the documentation, police report, court order, the lot. Send it registered post to the Chief Exec by name and and copy it to your local Councillor. They will be dragging their feet because I'm afraid sometimes people split up, get two tenancies, and then get back together. If your ex has MH issues and is considered 'vulnerable' they may have to house him.
You have done exactly the right thing, but get the residency order and non-molestation order because when he realises you aren't going to give in and have him back things may get very messy, his MH will plummet and you may need to batten down the hatches for a while. The residency order also allows the nursery to stop him collecting DD. Without it, if he takes her the police can't act as he has parental responsibility.

You are on the right road, CatLady

His fucking mother has told him what he did to me is "not that bad".

His mum is probably an battered wife as well and on her scale of batterings/injuries what he didn't is 'that bad".

You're well off out of it.

Well done for making a better life for you and your DD.

Teisan You know I do wonder that, if maybe Ex-MIL has been abused/beaten by her husband but won't do anything about it?

Had a rough nights sleep, cat isn't eating (have a thread over on "The Litter Tray") and DD had her first bad night since we moved back. I'm pretty sure it's due to the light nights though rather than the situation. Will have to get her blackout blind back up.

Off to vets with the cat again at 10am. Not that I have the energy, I've got to walk as mums working today and has taken the car - so I've got to walk Cat in the carrier and DD, it's not far only a 5 minute walk but it always takes longer when I have DD!

Would nursery be prepared to supervise contact or the health visitor/ social worker? Not sure a friend is a great idea - what if he decides to just take her? Without a residency order you couldn't force her return.

The more I think about it the more I would go with the contact centre as the only option no matter how inconvenient until you have the legal paperwork in place.

Talk to your solicitor and get as much in place as soon as you can. I know it's expensive but much easier doing it now than waiting until he starts to fight back.

Keep fighting you are doing so well for your daughter!

LittleOwl - my thoughts exactly. If he met up in a softplay or similar, and he decided to walk out with dd, n o one could stop him.

This all sounds so needlessly complicated, catlady. When you say HA don't have to accept the Occ. Order, are you saying that they won't? Or jsut that they don't have to?

I'd definitely get my MP or councillor onside, if you can. They can put pressure on the HA to act.

LittleOwl He's not organising contact at all though, I'm not satisified with the arrangements made so far so have always said no. He keeps saying he doesn't want to be Resident Parent even though his parents keep saying he should be. There are several friends and a couple of my cousins who're his friends who'd supervise and ensure she's returned to me, but he has to organise that.

Nursery won't supervise contact as they say staff are not trained to deal with him if he kicks off. The Social Worker wants us to try and work it out between us because she can't personally supervise, she can refer us to a charity that can supervise but again they may say contact centre. There may be one slightly nearer offered by a charity but they tend to only offer certain days so it could end up feeling like DDs being punished by missing Nursery etc or having to rearrange appointments which again feels unfair.

Housing Association don't legally have to accept the occupation order. They're not accepting the one I have because it means they have to get up off their arses and actually contact him to get his name off the tenancy. I am a bit stuck as to where to go next with this.

But 'friends' can't stop him from taking her from a softplay/park! They have no right to stop him - and he is her father. Even the Police couldn't stop him, I don't think. Unless you have court-ordered documents.

Get onto your MP - HA sound useless. They need to be educated about DV