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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say my ILs cant stay in our house so near to my due date (even though I am letting my parents stay)?

137 replies

windchimesabotage · 07/03/2018 14:14

My ILs whom I dont know very well as they live in Korea are coming to the UK a couple of weeks before im due to give birth.
We do have a spare room (which is going to be turned into the babys room once she arrives) but I have said that they cannot stay with us.

I also have a 3 yo son.
I just dont really want them in the house when im that pregnant and I also have to look after my son. They arent the type of people who will actually help out in any practical sense (altho they are nice enough people). Its also important to not that the are very big drinkers. Im talking a few bottles of wine a day each.
Which I cant really tolerate in my house right now. Not with my toddler and also with me being completely sober the whole time. I think it would just be draining tedious and alarming. Id be permanantly on edge. Its not that they have ever done anything wrong when drunk... I just dont want the anxiety of dealing with very drunk people day after day when im already dealing with a toddler.

Thing is tho I am (somewhat reluctantly) letting my parents stay in the house a week after my due date. They had agreed to come over to the UK (they live in Italy) to help with my toddler whilst we settled in the baby. They were going to rent somewhere near by us for a month. However this fell thru and they have ended up only being able to rent somewhere for a week and want to stay the rest of the time in our house.

Now im very grateful to them and I know they will be of more practical help than my ILs as they have looked after my son before and have a good relationship with him. I am a bit tense because they are chain smokers however and dont really understand anyones issue with smoking at all.

To be honest I feel a bit invaded with this threat of all these visitors when im about to have my baby. I dont think I can really turn my own parents away however when they will be doing me a massive favour by coming to the UK to watch my son whilst im in labour.

WIBU to say that my ILs cannot stay in our house though? I really dont think id cope having them just a week or so before my own parents turn up when im heavily pregnant?

OP posts:
NerNerNerNerBATMAN · 07/03/2018 14:24

This is way too much to cope with so close to your due date.

Do I read it correctly that your stents would be staying with you for 3 weeks? If they were happy to rent somewhere before it fell through them I'd be asking them to book an airBnB nearby.

But yes, unfortunately I think you are being a little bit unreasonable if you allow one set to stay and not the others. Chain smoking in your house is far more harmful to everyone than a fair bit of alcohol. I absolutely wouldn't tolerate so much smoke around a newborn. Even if they pop outside to smoke, they'll still be covered in it when they come in. It's a significant health risk for the newborn.

CotswoldStrife · 07/03/2018 14:26

Yes that's unfair, especially with the smoking.

Whisperquietly · 07/03/2018 14:29

I dont think I can really turn my own parents away

But you are turning your DH’s parents away?

This situation sounds very stressful, but IMO either both should stay or neither. Probably the latter is the better option especially if your DP are smokers.

Good luck with everything Flowers

Original poster
windchimesabotage · 07/03/2018 14:29

yes i am really worried about the smoking. They dont really take it seriously and I feel like I cant get super cross about it because they are offering so much free help to us.
They do try and smoke outside but my mum is disabled and I know she sometimes smokes out of the window at night rather than try and tackle the stairs. They would be staying in our bedroom as well and it will take ages to air the room after they leave.
They were booked in an airbnb originally. I think the problem is that now its closer to summer all the prices are going up considerably.
I might look into trying to save up the money to book another week for them at the place they are staying.
They chain smoked when I was born you see so I think they think im being daft.

OP posts:
Hissy · 07/03/2018 14:30

Airbnb... why would you even entertain ANY of this?

Original poster
windchimesabotage · 07/03/2018 14:32

well the reason I cant turn my own parents away is because of the child care they will be doing for me. They will be taking my son so that I can give birth at home with my husband there.... it seems very mean to then say they cant stay here after coming all this way to do that for us.

My ILs will have come to the UK on holiday. They will be visiting other places and not just our area. They arent coming to help us.

OP posts:
Original poster
windchimesabotage · 07/03/2018 14:35

My ILs holiday was booked before they knew I was pregnant. So they have not come to the UK specifically for that reason if you see what I mean. They have come on holiday and to visit various members of the family around uk.
I am happy to have them round and to see them I just dont want to host them as the base camp for their holiday when I will be so heavily pregnant.

OP posts:
PinkHeart5914 · 07/03/2018 14:35

So your parents are ok to stay but your dh parents and the other grandparent of your dc are not alllwed? Are your parents some how more important? I think that is one sure way to cause trouble and resentment tbh.....

Also you say your worried about inlaws drinking but your parents are heavy smokers? Well smoking around dc especially a newborn is far from great and worse than someone having a drink of wine

Both lots of parents need to find alternative accommodation

Original poster
windchimesabotage · 07/03/2018 14:37

pinkheart its not 'a glass of wine' they are alcoholics, its bottles of wine a day we are talking about. Fine if you are just meeting up with them but not to have in your house. I would find that level of drinking incredibly draining and worrying around my toddler.

OP posts:
Theresasmayshoes11 · 07/03/2018 14:46

Blimey it’s a pickle op.

Firstly I wouldn’t have either of them staying. It’s fsr far too much and disruptive for your ds. You will cope. I had twins and 3 older kids with just dh. No way on earth would I want alcoholics and chain smokers around under foot.

You say he’s 3 so you shouldn’t need that much help! You will have your dh. You are having s home birth which is perfect to work around a toddler so you have no child care issues there he can see you, watch tv, play and probably sleep during the actual birth.

Smoking outside makes no difference to your baby or toddler it’s just as bad as inside and dangerous to a new born.

Call them all and send them details of local hotels or travel lodges and stand firm. You will be fine they can visit but go home later.

PragmaticWench · 07/03/2018 14:47

Even if your parents smoke outside they'll have to wash their hands and change their clothes every time they want to hold the baby.

Okaynowimconfused · 07/03/2018 14:50

I wouldn't have either of them staying. For me the stress and anxiety caused by the smoke and drink around young children, especially a newborn, would be way higher than if I didn't have help from them at all.

Aprilmightmemynewname · 07/03/2018 14:50

Imo/e you will manage a toddler and baby perfectly fine as most people do. The stress the relatives will bring will outweigh any usefulness. And how well do they know your toddler to be the main carers if they all live abroad? Your mw will have a pink fit if she visits a smoke filled house - and you and dh should too!!

honeyroar · 07/03/2018 14:52

Sounds like you could do with finding a local cottage to rent for them all. You've got the perfect excuse - there's not room for us all and it would be rude to have one side and not the other.. And it really would - be rude to have your parents but not your husband's.

JanDough · 07/03/2018 14:52

For me it would have to be both or neither.

What's your husband's opinion? Mine would be incredibly hurt; especially as drinking doesn't directly harm your children but smoking does.

fusushumi · 07/03/2018 14:53

Where is your DH in all of this? How does he feel about his parents staying/not staying in your home?

FizzyGreenWater · 07/03/2018 14:56

Jesus NO.

That much smoking is a significant health risk. Yes you absolutely CAN tell them and insist they stay elsewhere, even if they are offering care! It's just not a goer. If you feel uncomfortable about it now plus 'invaded' by the situation in general, the thing is that once you have the baby you will absolutely hate it and that's a recipe for disaster. They will smoke where they can get away with it, they will stink, they will make the baby stink OR you'll end up refusing to let them hold the baby and it will all end in tears. In your bedroom? Your mum SMOKING at night actually in your bedroom?!

FGS put a stop to this - I know it's hard during pregnancy but for everyone's sake really have a second think. Let them have their place to stay for a week and then regardless of when the baby arrives find them somewhere else, even if it's further away. Then if necessary they can stay overnight just when you have the baby but as soon as you are home they HAVE to go (and NO to smoking out of your bedroom window).

Remember you might have the baby over an afternoon, be home the next day all fine... and then the far bigger headache is having to keep your temper and tears in for a month while your parents stink out your home and your newborn.

ifonly4 · 07/03/2018 14:57

It's not fair to have your parents and not your in-laws, but there'd be three issues here for me.

Not helping out, they might actually be willing to do something in the circumstances, if not they need to be given jobs, ie how about looking a Korean meal for you, asking if they can do hoovering for you, also make it clear they can go and make their own coffee/tea etc, or say to MIL why don't you come and chat while I'm cooking and give her a job to do.

The other two issues are the smoking and drinking, they need to be told before that with little young ones in the house you and (and OH) don't want anyone smoking or drinking on the premises and you just want to them to know before.

Ijustwantabloodyusername · 07/03/2018 14:58

Yes, I feel YABU tbh.

You are happy for your chain-smoking parents to stay?! Confused. This is (IMO) much worse than having raving alcoholics near your baby. (That's IF they are heavy drinkers as you suggest)

Neither of them should be staying with you. If your parents get offended about not being able to stay and poison a newborn baby, then I think you've got more problems.

Given that you're having a home-birth anyway, your 3yo will be safer there with you.

Theresasmayshoes11 · 07/03/2018 14:58

Good point about the midwives. As an ex district nurse I had to visit many smoke filled houses it’s horrible. You really need to take the smoking seriously op even if your parents don’t.

BertrandRussell · 07/03/2018 14:58

You can’t have chain smokers in the house with a new baby. Regardless of anything else.

HouseworkIsASin10 · 07/03/2018 15:00

YABU. No way can you have smokers in the house.

HermionesRightHook · 07/03/2018 15:02

I have to agree with all the PPs saying your parents are the greater risk here because of the smoking - and I don't think it's on for any of them to be staying when the mere thought of it is stressing you out so much. It would stress me out as well.

Floralnomad · 07/03/2018 15:03

You cannot have your parents stay and tell your inlaws they cannot , and frankly I’d rather have drinkers than smokers at least they are only damaging their own health . Quite honestly I’d tell them both no , they need to stay in hotels / somewhere else . Do you not have any friends nearby that could look after your son whilst you are in labour ?

TotHappy · 07/03/2018 15:04

It's not just as bad smoking outside as in! Bloody hell! In would be far worse! It is dangerous though... I started smoking again soon after baby was born sadly. The whole washing hands and covering up/changing clothes thing is tricky. And i wasn't chaining, just one or two a day. So if they can't or won't stop they prob won't be as much help as you hope.

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