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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say my ILs cant stay in our house so near to my due date (even though I am letting my parents stay)?

137 replies

windchimesabotage · 07/03/2018 14:14

My ILs whom I dont know very well as they live in Korea are coming to the UK a couple of weeks before im due to give birth.
We do have a spare room (which is going to be turned into the babys room once she arrives) but I have said that they cannot stay with us.

I also have a 3 yo son.
I just dont really want them in the house when im that pregnant and I also have to look after my son. They arent the type of people who will actually help out in any practical sense (altho they are nice enough people). Its also important to not that the are very big drinkers. Im talking a few bottles of wine a day each.
Which I cant really tolerate in my house right now. Not with my toddler and also with me being completely sober the whole time. I think it would just be draining tedious and alarming. Id be permanantly on edge. Its not that they have ever done anything wrong when drunk... I just dont want the anxiety of dealing with very drunk people day after day when im already dealing with a toddler.

Thing is tho I am (somewhat reluctantly) letting my parents stay in the house a week after my due date. They had agreed to come over to the UK (they live in Italy) to help with my toddler whilst we settled in the baby. They were going to rent somewhere near by us for a month. However this fell thru and they have ended up only being able to rent somewhere for a week and want to stay the rest of the time in our house.

Now im very grateful to them and I know they will be of more practical help than my ILs as they have looked after my son before and have a good relationship with him. I am a bit tense because they are chain smokers however and dont really understand anyones issue with smoking at all.

To be honest I feel a bit invaded with this threat of all these visitors when im about to have my baby. I dont think I can really turn my own parents away however when they will be doing me a massive favour by coming to the UK to watch my son whilst im in labour.

WIBU to say that my ILs cannot stay in our house though? I really dont think id cope having them just a week or so before my own parents turn up when im heavily pregnant?

OP posts:
nogrip · 07/03/2018 16:13

OP, it sounds to me like you are willing to put up with the smoking because you and DH want to have a few sleep ins.

Err....priorities

Theresasmayshoes11 · 07/03/2018 16:14

Tot

Nope as a nurse it really makes very little difference outside as the toxins are on your skin and clothes.

Theresasmayshoes11 · 07/03/2018 16:15

I think you are overestimating how much help you will need.

With the greatest of respect you and your dh should be well able to cope with s toddler and a baby.

Millions do

Original poster
windchimesabotage · 07/03/2018 16:17

nogrip thats pretty unfair. As ive stated I originally thought this would all be positive because they were not staying in my house.
The issue is that I feel really guilty and that im being really harsh in saying they cant stay here when they have gone to all that effort and spent all that money to be of some help to me.
Im not 'prioritising lie ins' ffs

OP posts:
Original poster
windchimesabotage · 07/03/2018 16:19

I know they will be hurt by it and think im being loops and ungrateful... thats what the problem is.
And what lie ins am i exactly going to be getting with a newborn baby can you tell me?

OP posts:
Aprilmightmemynewname · 07/03/2018 16:21

I doubt anywhere they chose to stay would accommodate in - house smoking.
Ask the mw for some leaflets about the dangers so they can see facts and not be able to blame your hormones.

chocolateiamydrug · 07/03/2018 16:22

either have both or none.

Where is your DH in this all?

Agree, whilst drinking is bad, I would not have a heavy smoker around my newborn. I wouldn't let them stay for the smoking alone.

You are obviously playing favourites which is understandable (I prefer my parents esp in stressfull times) but you are a family and you need to find a fair balance if you don't want damaged relationships long-term.

you mentioned you already have a DS. How would you feel if his future wife would try to ostracise in s simar way??

quizqueen · 07/03/2018 16:24

Say no to both. Tell them to look for a B&B/Travel lodge. You are not prepared to cater for them or have extra washing like the bedclothes or be put out of your bedroom and you might have the baby before or later than their stay anyway. Your parents wouldn't be able to smoke in rented accommodation so why should they think they can smoke in your home and before the other set get tipsy, call them a taxi back to their accommodation!. Time to start saying, 'No' .Your place, your rules.
They need to wash their hands thoroughly after each cigarette too and, if I found the baby was smelling of smoke afterwards, that would be the last time they held it, I'm afraid, until they could go a day without their clothes stinking of tobacco.

Original poster
windchimesabotage · 07/03/2018 16:27

Ive said in a PP my husband does not have a close relationship with his dad and stepmum. They have lived in Korea since he was 6 and did not raise him. They are coming to the UK on a general holiday they are not trying to help us.
As ive said I dont have anything against them personally and am happy to have them round for an afternoon or whatever I am just not up for hosting people I dont really know for a length of time when I am heavily pregnant and may give birth at any time.
My husband asked me what I thought and said he will go with whatever I want. I did get the impression that he would have had them stay. However he has had them stay with him ONCE in the last ten years and that was before he was with me and he said it was an utter nightmare so that does not sound very promising to me.

Im not trying to ostracise his family but there is a big difference both in connection and effort with his family and mine. Not even just with my son but also with my husband. Maybe I should not have used the term ILs as they did not actually raise him. They see him once a year recently but less in the past.

OP posts:
omnishambles · 07/03/2018 16:30

Why haven't they taken up vaping instead like the rest of the known universe?

Nicknacky · 07/03/2018 16:35

To be honest, I would be trying to facilitate his folks coming exactly for that reason. Life’s too short and you don’t know what’s around the corner.

Original poster
windchimesabotage · 07/03/2018 16:39

nicknacky well yes maybe so however now is not really the time to do it. Not so close to my due date and when I am trying to navigate this issue with my own parents.
Id be happy to have them to stay if not for the circumstances.

OP posts:
Nicknacky · 07/03/2018 16:40

But that is out of your hands and they are coming to the UK soon. Better for them to visit before baby comes then you only have your folks to deal with after!

Nicknacky · 07/03/2018 16:41

And if they are here on holiday then presumably be out sightseeing etc and won’t be under your feet. Just a base for them?

Original poster
windchimesabotage · 07/03/2018 16:42

They are booked to come the week before I am due. So I could potentially go into labour whilst they are here.
The issue is not seeing them, im happy to meet up with them and have them round for a while... I just dont want to host them in my home as overnight guests.

OP posts:
Nicknacky · 07/03/2018 16:43

I don’t know what you are asking then when you have clearly decided. Let’s just hope your son is more hospitable to you when he is married.

meandmytinfoilhat · 07/03/2018 16:45

Send them all to a hotel or air B and B.

Original poster
windchimesabotage · 07/03/2018 16:45

They do not drive and we live in a semi rural area they would be dependant on my husband to get to places that they could travel from. Also as my husband is booked on paternity leave from my actual due date he would not have many days off before that when they would be wanting to stay here. Meaning I would be responsible for entertaining them and my toddler whilst im heavily pregnant. Im not really into that tbh

OP posts:
Original poster
windchimesabotage · 07/03/2018 16:46

I wouldnt ask my sons wife to stay in her house if i barely knew her and was just coming for a holiday, on the week she was due to give birth.

OP posts:
Bluelady · 07/03/2018 16:47

You're on a hiding to nothing here, OP. The simplest solution would be to book both lots of parents into a nearby cheap hotel.

I don't understand why you're constantly asked why you need help. In most societies older women help out their daughters when they give birth. It's a sign of how unnatural our culture has become that people are so surprised when this happens.

Nicknacky · 07/03/2018 16:48

So you won’t mind then if h takes them out and spends some time with them?

JaneEyre70 · 07/03/2018 16:48

You can't have one set of parents to stay and not the other - that's really unkind. Find them all a B & B to stay in and set strict visiting times. I'd ask them all a few weeks after the baby has arrived for the dust to settle, personally. When I had my 2nd and 3rd, my mum stayed until I got home from the hospital and DH and I managed fine. It was far harder with help and someone asking you questions every 5 minutes. You're making life very hard for yourself tbh.

Original poster
windchimesabotage · 07/03/2018 16:50

no of course I dont mind that!! And im happy to spend time with them too and have my son spend time with them. I just dont want to host them in my house particularly when it will be me doing all of the work as my husband will be at work. So id have a toddler and them to entertain all whilst being at risk of giving birth any time. Plus im planning to have a home birth which I dont really want an audience of people I barely know watching, however nice they are.

OP posts:
missadasmith · 07/03/2018 16:51

Look, you have obviously made up your mind to let your smoking parents stay whilst his parents that come all the way from Korea are not welcome. You will counterargument anything that is said here. not sure why you posted on the first place. Pretty much everyone said that yabu - you never wanted an honest opinion but we're only hoping for YANBUs galore yo validate your decision (which you did not get).

I have been in your shoes (only it was the other way round and my ex would not let my parents stay). This won't end will. Best of luck, OP.

Lotsofthings · 07/03/2018 16:53

How about asking your parents to vape instead of smoke?

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