To say my ILs cant stay in our house so near to my due date (even though I am letting my parents stay)?

[windchimesabotage]

My ILs whom I dont know very well as they live in Korea are coming to the UK a couple of weeks before im due to give birth.
We do have a spare room (which is going to be turned into the babys room once she arrives) but I have said that they cannot stay with us.

I also have a 3 yo son.
I just dont really want them in the house when im that pregnant and I also have to look after my son. They arent the type of people who will actually help out in any practical sense (altho they are nice enough people). Its also important to not that the are very big drinkers. Im talking a few bottles of wine a day each.
Which I cant really tolerate in my house right now. Not with my toddler and also with me being completely sober the whole time. I think it would just be draining tedious and alarming. Id be permanantly on edge. Its not that they have ever done anything wrong when drunk... I just dont want the anxiety of dealing with very drunk people day after day when im already dealing with a toddler.

Thing is tho I am (somewhat reluctantly) letting my parents stay in the house a week after my due date. They had agreed to come over to the UK (they live in Italy) to help with my toddler whilst we settled in the baby. They were going to rent somewhere near by us for a month. However this fell thru and they have ended up only being able to rent somewhere for a week and want to stay the rest of the time in our house.

Now im very grateful to them and I know they will be of more practical help than my ILs as they have looked after my son before and have a good relationship with him. I am a bit tense because they are chain smokers however and dont really understand anyones issue with smoking at all.

To be honest I feel a bit invaded with this threat of all these visitors when im about to have my baby. I dont think I can really turn my own parents away however when they will be doing me a massive favour by coming to the UK to watch my son whilst im in labour.

WIBU to say that my ILs cannot stay in our house though? I really dont think id cope having them just a week or so before my own parents turn up when im heavily pregnant?

And would you want your toddler in an Airbandb with 2 chain smokers?

Neither of them sound great actually but totally fine to differentiate between your and dhs parents. You are the one having a baby who wants to be comfortable walking around half naked, taking a bath, moaning etc and most women are more comfortable with their own parents. They are all the babies grandparents but you have to push the baby out.

myrtlewilson thanks yes. The one they have managed to book deffo does take toddlers. We have faced this issue before once with an airbnb which ended up not allowing children even for a short visit during the day.... so they have made sure to find one that does this time!

If you get a bad cold do you need someone to stay over?

No.

You have a DH to help you. You will be in bed for a few days. If you were away for work, DH would presumably be holding down the fort. So he can do that in the days leading to and when you are recovering from childbirth.

All you need is someone to watch the three year old while giving birth. You can even hire someone to do this.

oldbutstillgotit my parents do usually smoke outside in general. Its just last time they were here my mum was particularly unwell and smoked out of the bedroom window. Which wasnt great granted but as a one off I did not make an issue of it. However I dont want it happening even as a one off when I have a newborn in the house because of the risk of SIDS.
I know smoking is bad around any children but I do trust my parents in general to smoke outdoors when looking after my toddler and I know hes not going to die from brief periods of time spent with some smokers. I grew up with them and Im not dead!

Different thing entirely with a newborn however.

Why on earth would you want chain smokers anywhere near your children ?

Maybe because they are your parents and they raised you and your mother is terminally ill and some things are bigger than just a blanket, black and white smoking is bad!

Op I’m sorry you are having so much criticism here. This is your real life and sadly it doesn’t sound like there are any perfect solutions to your problem.

Rosamund my parents have an airbnb for the actual due date and the week round it so they can watch my toddler whilst I give birth if im relatively on time with it. The issue is with afterwards. They didnt get somewhere to stay for as long as they hoped to in the end so they asked to stay with me after they leave the airbnb.

nottakenusername thanks for the support! It is hard. They are good people who are genuinely trying to help. I love them and they have a great relationship with my son whom they love. They are not really comparable to the ILs who I barely know and whom DH is not even that warm with.
Its just the smoking makes me so anxious! They just cant stop though. And I suppose they have to pretend im being unreasonable to avoid feeling guilty. My dad might be able to on his own but how would he without the support of my mum? and she certainly wont be able to shes on tonnes of opiates she wouldnt have the strength.

Its just sad really. I want them to be part of things and feel welcome but I cant have them in the house when they smoke that heavily. Id be too worried about the baby.

Maybe because they are your parents and they raised you and your mother is terminally ill and some things are bigger than just a blanket, black and white smoking is bad!

It is black and white - third hand smoke around newborns causes deaths. If it's about seeing her terminally ill mother, that can be done away from the house without the newborn, or as has been suggesting several times here, the OP can find somewhere else for her parents to stay.

The risks of third hand smoke are very, very real and there's really good excuses or reasons for allowing it.

Can your parents amend their flights? Either so that it just covers the 10 days that they are booked into the Air BnB, or to a later time in the year after your DH has returned to work after paternity? Them coming at a later date might be a win win, because

1. You'll not be as knackered;
2. You'll need help more once DH has returned to work - no point them being there whilst DH is also about;
3. They might be able to arrange accommodation at a later date once it's out of high season; and
4. The baby will be slightly older and not as susceptible to the effects of smoke on their breath / clothes

I didn't want to see anyone for a month after my second DC was born, and really wished I had done the same with my first. I also second the advice that you might be overestimating the amount of help you will need post birth. Even with a toddler to manage, it is often much easier because your body sort of knows what it's doing, and you know what you're doing.

I hope you get a good response from your father that will reassure you they will make the best of things and respect your boundaries about the smoking. But yes you clearly love them and like you said, you turned out ok in this situation. It is a risk not a bygone conclusion.

If you live in a university town check with their accommodation office to see if they let out their halls of residence. I rented a university of Edinburgh studio flat during the Edinburgh festival. It worked out cheaper than a hotel. it also had it's own kitchen so I could make breakfast & light meals to save money. Unite was the company that managed the Edinburgh halls so I booked through them. You can easily check on the university accommodation webpage.

That might possibly work with for you so you've all got your own space. The other thing to do is to book your son into a private nursery so you won't need f/t childcare from your parents. If your mum is disabled how can she possibly look after an active toddler anyway.

And I ask again OP, how are your parents going to take care of your toddler if your mum is terminally ill and have mobility issues?

This isn't about them 'helping you out' but that you want to see them and not your ILs - which by the way is fine - but you shouldn't then feel guilty about telling them you aren't comfortable about something in your house.

Or look for a childminder for your toddler for the summer.

OP I would tell both sets of parents that this is too close to the baby's due date and due to this not convenient for visitors

As your DPs accommodation had fallen through for some of the weeks they could cut the trip down to a week.

As for your PIL you said they already had the trip booked so if they are disappointed to stay in a hotel they can change their trip too.

As for the drinking/smoking I would not allow any of these risks near your baby or toddler. I would never be drunk with my son present so would not allow others to be in his presence drunk. Smoking is also very dangerous.

I really think you need to be positive and plan to cope between you and DH. What other childcare options do you have if your home birth couldn't go ahead? Are there friends or a nursery key worker who could provide emergency childcare?

Thankyou for the support nottakenusername

Well this thread gave me the courage to email my dad about my issues with the smoking so its not been a waste. It was hard to tell if I were just being incredibly uptight or not. The response on here has been unanimous that my fears arent groundless tho. Hopefully that email will have some effect and hopefully I can find somewhere else for them to stay the extra week.

Thanks beryl they are not flying but driving. My mum wont fly. So that adds to my guilt really because it will take them a long time and a lot of money to drive across. They wont be able to afford to come again this year I dont think. They have already been across once this year so this will be the second journey they do.

Don't understand how your baby's health doesn't trump offending your parents?

loveprosecco my parents have a cottage for ten days across my due date so hopefully that will cover the birth. If I am very overdue I think I would end up being induced wouldnt I? Which would mean id have a specific date for the hospital birth which would give us much greater options for childcare. We live in a rural location so theres just no one nearby really that we could rely on (weve recently moved here so dont knwo neighbours well enough) But we do have many friends where we used to live that would be happy to take care of my son in an emergency so if we had an actual date for an induction we could easily take my son to one of them.

Op you sound like you are trying to please everyone and you know that can’t happen.

Email them all to find accommodation. Your parents due to the smoking and the in laws because you snd seemingly your dh barely knows them so why would you host strangers just as you are giving birth. Ridiculous.

On a side issue of course it’s not unfair for a woman to want her parents and not her in laws to support her during labour!!!

There’s no even handed nonsense. I have 2 dils and of course they are closer to their mums then me even though we get on great.

My dds will want me if they ever stop partying enough to get preggers.

That crap is so daft

That sounds sensible op. Did you email the inlaws to stop in s hotel I may have missed that?

Thanks Thereasa I will tell my DH to contact the ILs as its him they have been communicating with about this not me. I think it was just a casual suggestion rather than that they were banking on it. I think they will still be coming to visit uk regardless of whether we agree to host them here.
They dont usually stay with us, they have never in the past.
So tbh I dont think they will be offended.

My Dad does not smoke when he visits. End of story. He does not get to see them unless he does this. Our house, our babies, our rules.

I'd rather pay a child minder/babysitter than have either drunks or chain smokers near my babies.

Op I understand... my dm chain smokes, I’ve asked her not to smoke in my house and she ‘generally ‘ doesn’t. However She stands in the porch with door open talking to me in the kitchen Dm doesn’t smell smoke so can’t see the problem, and I’ve accepted it’s not going to change. Call them, Tell them you’re probably being hormonal but whether you are or aren’t you just can’t allow it. It doesn’t matter if it’s a white lie. Cry if you have too. You love them and don’t want to hurt them so whatever works. Good luck with everything x

I know families like to make things a tradition but it's a bit OTT for your mother to not try and minimise giving her GC a terminal disease too.

My dad has emailed back!!

He says they totally understand and will try and find somewhere to stay for the extra week but if they cant then they will just return home.

He did not sound offended.

So I was stupidly worrying about nothing!!

Well thanks everyone for giving me the confidence to get that sorted otherwise idve just been constantly worrying about it!