To say my ILs cant stay in our house so near to my due date (even though I am letting my parents stay)?

[windchimesabotage]

My ILs whom I dont know very well as they live in Korea are coming to the UK a couple of weeks before im due to give birth.
We do have a spare room (which is going to be turned into the babys room once she arrives) but I have said that they cannot stay with us.

I also have a 3 yo son.
I just dont really want them in the house when im that pregnant and I also have to look after my son. They arent the type of people who will actually help out in any practical sense (altho they are nice enough people). Its also important to not that the are very big drinkers. Im talking a few bottles of wine a day each.
Which I cant really tolerate in my house right now. Not with my toddler and also with me being completely sober the whole time. I think it would just be draining tedious and alarming. Id be permanantly on edge. Its not that they have ever done anything wrong when drunk... I just dont want the anxiety of dealing with very drunk people day after day when im already dealing with a toddler.

Thing is tho I am (somewhat reluctantly) letting my parents stay in the house a week after my due date. They had agreed to come over to the UK (they live in Italy) to help with my toddler whilst we settled in the baby. They were going to rent somewhere near by us for a month. However this fell thru and they have ended up only being able to rent somewhere for a week and want to stay the rest of the time in our house.

Now im very grateful to them and I know they will be of more practical help than my ILs as they have looked after my son before and have a good relationship with him. I am a bit tense because they are chain smokers however and dont really understand anyones issue with smoking at all.

To be honest I feel a bit invaded with this threat of all these visitors when im about to have my baby. I dont think I can really turn my own parents away however when they will be doing me a massive favour by coming to the UK to watch my son whilst im in labour.

WIBU to say that my ILs cannot stay in our house though? I really dont think id cope having them just a week or so before my own parents turn up when im heavily pregnant?

My parents were originally booked in an airbnb for the month. The issue is that that fell through and theyve only been able to find another one affordable and in the right area for ten days..... so they were asking if they could spend the rest of the time here in my house.

Tbh I dont want anyone actually staying in my house. I do find it easier saying no to the ILs however as they have just come on holiday and not even specifically to see us.. they will be travelling all over the uk seeing various people. Whereas my parents were coming specifically to help me and spent a lot of money in doing so. So Im finding it hard to tell them no and I do feel guilty about it.

Well just remember that you are putting your newborn at risk by choosing to not offend your parents.

But your decision, ultimately.

OP, having your chain-smoking parents around the house all day (even if they don't actually smoke in the house - and tbh it doesn't sound like they have that level of awareness or self-control), sleeping in your bedroom, being around your baby will increase your baby's SIDS risk. Third-hand smoke is real and a real danger.

YANBU to want help with your toddler and to feel more comfortable around your own parents than your ILs, but YABU to consider it OK for chain-smokers to stay with you when part of your issue with the ILs is their drinking. YABU to wilfully increase your baby's SIDS risk for the sake of help you (as some posters have said) won't really need to that extent. If I could only get childcare during labour at the cost of chain smokers with poor insight and self-control staying in my house around my newborn baby, I would give birth without dh.

Either both can stay or none. If DH agreed his family could stay but mine couldn't he'd quickly be told other wise. Neither set of parents are more important and smokers simply wouldn't be allowed to stay,

So would you have let them stay if they were specifically coming to see you? Sounds like they are trying to kill as many birds as possible while they are here especially if they don’t get back often.

Frankly, if your mum's that ill and your dad's that helpful, the I'd welcome them with open arms despite the smoking thing. (Have they tried vaping when indoors - that might be the answer for your mum when her mobility's bad).

Your ILs can find a hotel or airbnb or whatever. Unhelpful alcoholics? Not a chance.

Either both can stay or none. If DH agreed his family could stay but mine couldn't he'd quickly be told other wise. Neither set of parents are more important and smokers simply wouldn't be allowed to stay

^ this just about suns it up.

Id let them stay if I wasnt due to give birth the time they were here!!

I am doing something about my chain smoking parents ive already stated that after hearing peoples thoughts were similar to my own about it and i wasnt just being hormonal... ive emailed my dad to try and sort something out.
As ive said they are booked in an airbnb for just over a week on my actual due date so they will still hopefully be able to have my toddler whilst i give birth if im not too early or late. They will not be staying in my house at that time. The issue is the extra weeks after that.

OP - actually, who cares if you are being unreasonable? (I don't think you are.) You have to go with the situation you feel most comfortable with, when you are having a baby, and it's no good prioritising other people's needs in this particular situation. Putting up with something you are really uncomfortable with is not a solution here.

Ffs now the in laws are alcoholics?!

Jux yeah you see that is why I feel so bad telling them no.

Im dont think having them in the house will be worth the anxiety though with the newborn.
Sadly im in a shit position where im either dealing with anxiety over my newborn or guilt over hurting my mother. Obv the newborn takes priority here so as ive said ive voiced my concerns and asked that we try and find them somewhere else to go.

Ffs now the in laws are alcoholics?!

Impressive OP knows this considering she barely knows then and they've only stayed with DH once (before they were married).

nicknacky I said in the OP they were!! what do you mean 'now'?

Could you tell your IL they can stay only if they don't drink / don't get drunk? And the same for your parents and the smoking? I wouldn't be happy with drinking or smoking around my toddler and newborn anyway, but so soon post-partum, it'd be a definite no, if they refuse to abstain. For both sets of parents.

I know this because my husband has told me and i have seen it every time ive met them. They carry bottles of wine in their bags everywhere they go. Yes they were on holiday but according to my husband it has been that way every single time he has seen them and there have been issues due to it in the past.
Although as ive said ive had no issues with it myself.
Last time we met up with them last summer they began drinking at breakfast and I watched them go through numerous bottles of wine throughout the day. Their behaviour was okay they didnt make a big fuss or anything but were clearly very drunk by the evening. This happened several days running. Every day that i saw them it was similar amounts.

My husband has had some very bad experiences of going to see them in the past however. With his dad passing out etc

It just makes me edgy. As ive said its fine to meet up with them and id put up with it in my house even if i werent pregnant but I just do not want the added stress of worrying about them getting out of control at this time. I dont feel I could cope with it.

I dont think its as simple as asking them to abstain because even if they agree to I seriously doubt either set of people would be able to do it. So they would be here in my house and having to lie to me and I would have to confront them which again is a massive load of stress.

Im hoping I can find somewhere I can afford to pay for my parents to stay for the extra week they wanted to stay in my house. I havent heard back from my dad yet.
I do feel really shit and anxious about it though. It does seem ungrateful but I know everyone on here is right and my newborn has to come first.

Fair enough. Kind them a place to stay.

But you need to stop justifying your parents staying regardless of circumstances. You know your newborn baby takes priority and I'm wondering how much help your parents are really going to provide if your DM has a terminal illness and mobility issues. It doesn't sound like an ideal situation for anyone.

how would you feel if your DH decides that the people that are a danger to your newborn (your parents) cannot stay but he makes sure that his parents can?

I had no visitors in my home after my son was born. I told everyone we would visit them when ready and we did. I also banned everyone, but my husband, from my hospital room. Who the hell wants to entertain people when they are trying to recover from childbirth and breast feed?

I need to plod about in my jammies for a few months to be at the beck and call of my new baby - not hosting people. I was very clear about this because it was important to me.

Someone else called them an alcoholic, although i have wondered how she knew how much alcohol they drink. I don’t know exactly how much my dad drinks and I see him a lot!

Yikes, there's no way I'd let either set stay - your PIL because it would quite frankly be absurd to have them around potentially while you are actually giving birth.

Your parents because of the SIDS risk - you would never forgive yourself (or them) if the worst happened. Not to mention the risk of cancers, respiratory illnesses...etc. Make it clear they need a hotel or Air B'n'B.

Nick i said in my OP that they drank several bottles of wine a day each... which implies they are alcoholics. You would know if your dad was drinking that much a day. I dont have to see someone often to think that its a bit of an issue to carry bottles of wine around in your bag and be drinking constantly throughout every day that I see them. And im told that that is normal for them by my DH who yes has only had them to stay at his once but has been over to stay with them many times as a young man. He has a polite but understandably tense relationship with them. He is not going to be offended that I dont want them staying here.

If you have your DH why do you need anyone to stay ? You plan a home birth which sounds ideal. Why on earth would you want chain smokers

Posted too soon !
Why on earth would you want chain smokers anywhere near your children ?

If your parents are in an Air n B - have you checked that it will take a toddler (I think your plan is for your parents to pick up your DS from your house and take to their location for the duration of the birth?) as not all are suitable/insured (there was once a thread on this topic!)