To say my ILs cant stay in our house so near to my due date (even though I am letting my parents stay)?

[windchimesabotage]

My ILs whom I dont know very well as they live in Korea are coming to the UK a couple of weeks before im due to give birth.
We do have a spare room (which is going to be turned into the babys room once she arrives) but I have said that they cannot stay with us.

I also have a 3 yo son.
I just dont really want them in the house when im that pregnant and I also have to look after my son. They arent the type of people who will actually help out in any practical sense (altho they are nice enough people). Its also important to not that the are very big drinkers. Im talking a few bottles of wine a day each.
Which I cant really tolerate in my house right now. Not with my toddler and also with me being completely sober the whole time. I think it would just be draining tedious and alarming. Id be permanantly on edge. Its not that they have ever done anything wrong when drunk... I just dont want the anxiety of dealing with very drunk people day after day when im already dealing with a toddler.

Thing is tho I am (somewhat reluctantly) letting my parents stay in the house a week after my due date. They had agreed to come over to the UK (they live in Italy) to help with my toddler whilst we settled in the baby. They were going to rent somewhere near by us for a month. However this fell thru and they have ended up only being able to rent somewhere for a week and want to stay the rest of the time in our house.

Now im very grateful to them and I know they will be of more practical help than my ILs as they have looked after my son before and have a good relationship with him. I am a bit tense because they are chain smokers however and dont really understand anyones issue with smoking at all.

To be honest I feel a bit invaded with this threat of all these visitors when im about to have my baby. I dont think I can really turn my own parents away however when they will be doing me a massive favour by coming to the UK to watch my son whilst im in labour.

WIBU to say that my ILs cannot stay in our house though? I really dont think id cope having them just a week or so before my own parents turn up when im heavily pregnant?

Is really not fair when woman is about to go through most vulnerable time in her life, to expect her, possibly cut, bleeding, leaking, incredibly sore.. Emotional and tired to treat stranger in laws the samer as her own parents.

That's not fair, you can pull that card later on but not at birth and just after.

Op, put yourself first.. Whatever you you want and need.. Think of worst case scenario with birth. What sort of support would you need.

My husband is not that bothered and says he will do whatever I decide. He doesnt have a close relationship with his parents really... its his dad and stepmum. His dad left and went to live in Korea when he was 6 so its not like hes super close with them. He sees them once a year if that. And the relationship is tense.. I think he does it more out of a sense of duty that anything else.

However even though he doesnt smoke himself my DH is not especially bothered about my parents smoking. They have stayed with us for weeks at a time before and do help out a lot with childcare. They do have a good relationship with my son and see him and look after him four or five times a year. They also skype him every two days. My DH gets on well with my parents and does want them staying here as he enjoys the childcare they provide. For example they will get up with my son when they are here even if he gets up very early and theyll make him breakfast and let us have a lie in.
My dad also completely did our garden last time he was here and did loads of tiling in the house. The only issue I have with them is the smoking thing and I feel bad about it because I seem to be the only one concerned.

I have now sent an email to my dad though stating my concerns about the smoking issue and what the NHS advice is re newborns.
Im worried he will just try and placate me though. He did last time (they came to the uk but managed to rent a house for a whole month that time so werent actually staying in our house)
I appreciate that they really do want to help and they DO actually help massively..... its just the anxiety about the smoking that is winding me up.

Last time you didn't have a newborn and they weren't actually staying in the house.

This time, you do and they are!

You are absolutely asking for a falling out. And - home birth? You possibly won't even need them!

However even though he doesnt smoke himself my DH is not especially bothered about my parents smoking

Well he should be - smoking inside the house poses a significant risk to your newborn. In fact I’m furious that either of you would entertain that around your children at all. This is the single most concerning thing that is standing out to me and you should be putting your foot down.

Find them somewhere else to stay. There really isn’t much more to it. Even if you can get them smoking outside, they will still stink of it and be bringing it back in to your children and furniture.

And once you’ve sorted that, find somewhere for your ILs to stay too.

First, I think it’s entirely reasonable for op to have her parents to stay, but not in laws. It’s the OP who is pregnant, who will be going into labour, giving birth. So, it’s about her. I would have been comfortable with my parents in the house at the time i gave birth, but NO WAY would I have been able to stand my in laws. Plus OP you should not have to even think about looking after visitors at this point. BUT personally, I would never have had a chain smoker in the house, let alone 2 unless every cigarette was smoked outside. If I was about to give birth I would find it impossible to have chain smokers in the house. They will reek of smoke. Their breath will reek of smoke. Their clothes will reek of smoke. If they actually hold your baby, your baby will then reek of smoke. I’m sorry OP, but in your place I’d be putting my foot down and telling both sides NO. Alcoholics staying with a mother about to give birth. No, sorry. You need calm, you need quiet. You need your DH to step up to help, and you need to find a friend who will look after your 3 yr old when you and your DH go into hospital.

Oh, and I forgot. You basically can’t have a newborn inhaling smoke. You really can’t. Your parents don’t need to understand that. You just have to be firm about it. No discussion. This is your baby for goodness sake,

Hang on, if they're going to be in your room, where are you - the person who will have just given birth - be sleeping? Are they seriously proposing to turf you out of your own bed?!

I know. Its just that they really wont understand and its a hard thing to do when they are being so helpful in other ways. They do really love my son and help out with him a lot and he loves them.
They really dont get it at all. They chain smoked throughout my childhood etc

I have sent an email detailing what im worried about, to my dad. I just feel like im being unreasonable because altho everyone on mumsnet seems to be agreeing with me re the smoking... no one in real life actually seems to. My husband isnt bothered altho I know he will back whatever I do... I still get the impression he thinks im being a bit mental... my parents obv dont get it at all.... and my best friend is also a chain smoker!! Regardless she does not live in this town she lives an hour away.
We moved here over christmas and ive only made one friend so far who is lovely but am not at the stage where i could call on her in the middle of the night to take my son if i go into labour!

I do feel very guilty when my parents have booked to come all that way specifically to help me ... to then send them away because of smoking.... its costing them A LOT of money to stay here and not in my house because this quite a touristy place and it will be mid summer. Itd be okay if they understood but I honestly feel like everyone in real life thinks im just being hormonal.

You basically can’t have a newborn inhaling smoke. You really can’t. Your parents don’t need to understand that. You just have to be firm about it. No discussion. This is your baby for goodness sake

^^ THIS

They stay in our room when here because its next to the bathroom and my mum has mobility issues.
Theres a spare double room a floor up that we would stay in. Next to our sons room. Thats the room the baby will be having and I was planning on sleeping in with her anyway. So the room thing is neither here nor there. Just a chore to air it out before we can use it again.

Is there a reason why you need help?

I think you have to decide what you want and let the parents all know. Smoking is, well should be, non negotiable.

You asked your parents to come from abroad and provide free childcare. Of course they need to stay with you.

Although as pp says why do you need help?

Jeez I'm a smoker and I went mental when anyone smoked near my daughter when she was a baby. Twenty years ago. It happened once, where I told my brother in law no smoking round her and I returned to find my mother in law , who had been babysitting, sitting there, my daughter in her chair next to her, and my brother in law, sitting the other side, smoking. The whole street must have heard me. And it never occurred again. Everyone was too shit scared. I got called uptight, the lot, and I can assure you I gave not a shit. There was no smoking in thr house if my daughter was present.

His parents aren't the issue here. Yours are. End of. You can't justify it by saying they are there to help. Either they only smoke outside or their help isn't welcome. It's that simple.

Well it was just really hard last time. I was injured after the birth and also had PND... now I have a toddler I was just wanting to make sure I had enough support around me to cope.
Perhaps I have overdone it but I was basically trying to prepare for the worst. That I wont be able to move like last time.

Hopefully this time will go much better but im still worried about it you know. And they suggested they come and help out and so i said yes thatd be great! Originally they had a cottage booked for the whole month but that fell thru and now they can only find somewhere for just over a week and want to stay the rest of the time in my house.
They have stayed here before as I said. And they have stayed with me where we used to live. They are always very helpful and great with my son. Its just this smoking issue with having a new born baby... thats what is upsetting me. Otherwise it would all be fine. I know i wont have to host them like i would my in laws. My parents bring and cook all their own food (and food for us and my son most times) and they also clean after themselves etc

It's your house, so your rules.

You say your parents are helpful, and I'm sure they will be just as helpful when not staying at your house - or they can stay and NOT smoke.

I can't believe noone you know in RL is not saying the same about the smoking full-stop, letalone around a baby and toddler.

If you don't want your ILs staying now, you're less likely to feel glad they're there after having given birth.

I hope you find the courage to ask for what you need in your own home.

Do you have any other relatives close by or close friends who you'd feel comfortable leaving your little one with while you give birth?

I'd definitely think YANBU to not let your in laws stay far too stressful with too much going on but for me purely for the smoking thing I wouldn't let your parents stay either. It's really awful to have smoke like that around a newborn and a small child. The chemicals will all be in the fabrics of everything in your home it's not just a case of airing the room after!

My FIL is a social smoker when he plays golf and I've turned him away before if he's had a fag before visiting. I won't even let him in! He knows the drill and if he'd rather put a grim habit before seeing his grandchild that's up to him.

mydcaremarvel yeah thats my thinking.... the issue is the smoking putting my newborn in danger though! Originally they were not staying in the house so the smoking would have worried me much less.
Having had them stay here before I do know that my mum sometimes smokes indoors. I cant really get angry about that because she has an illness which cause her to loose mobility sometimes. But it does worry me that she will do that when the baby is here.
They just dont care about it as much as I do and they wont understand because it wasnt as heavily stressed when they had me. They just think im being loops. So my worry is theyll agree not to do it to shut me up but secretly do it anyway.

I can't help thinking that being unhappy about things with your parents and inlaws will make it all so much harder then it might be managing on your own.

Don't have either to stay. Then you won't be accused of favouring your parents over his. TBH, you really don't want heavy smokers anywhere near your newborn. Definitely not in the same house.

Airbnb for both methinks.

It sounds like you are putting your potential need for help and your DH’s liking for lie ins and help with the gardening (?!) above the safety and well-being of your new born baby. It should be absolutely non negotiable that there is no smoking in your house, despite any mobility issues, otherwise they can’t stay. Don’t discuss or debate it further!

I cant really get angry about that because she has an illness which cause her to loose mobility sometimes.

Yes you can. I appreciate that smoking is addictive, but no one needs to chainsmoke. Every smoker I’ve ever known (and I used to smoke years ago too) can sleep through the night without needing to light up. Your DM can go a few hours until someone can help her outside for a cigarette.

You really need to go full Mother Bear here and put your foot down. It is your house and your rules. You did invite them, but you did not invite smoking in your house either.

If you think they will secretly smoke in your house then that’s that. They don’t stay.

I think you are being unfair about your in laws, your parents may bring and eat their own food but you can’t expect all visitors to do that.

You can’t let them hold a new born if they’ve been smoking-it really has to be non negotiable. No smoking and fresh clothes before they get anywhere near.

i wouldnt expect visitors to do that usually but im certainly not going to either be cooking or going out for meals when im that heavily pregnant or have just given birth.

Its hard with my mother as she is very frail. She has a terminal illness and to be honest I just wouldnt dare confront her about this at all. I would feel dreadful. I have sent an email to my dad all about my concerns however so hopefully we can come up with a solution.
I really dont think they would be able to not smoke at all whilst here. So ive suggested we try to find them somewhere else to stay after the week they have booked and I will pay for it.