Mumsnet Vs Real life.

[KungFuPandaWorksOut16]

Inspired by a comment on an active thread at the moment. The comment was along the lines of
"Only on mumsnet would you be advised this"

I've also seen it on a few threads where posters point out that only mumsnet would you be given this advice and never in real life.

So what advice/tips do you see mentioned on Mumsnet that you just don't think would be said in real life.

I'll start!
You can guarantee a poster will give the advice that OP needs to pack his bags and kick him out, on something really minor. They don't suggest being an adult and have a conversation first, it's straight away pack his bags and show him the door.

What other Mumsnet pearls of wisdom do we have?

Sure thing, beige dinner is a big treat here.washed down with a fruit shoot

I'm 39 but I reckon I could pass for 38 so there

No one on MN ever buys bras from Asda, Tesco or Primark. No one here buys clothes from them either.
In fact, nothing at all is ever bought from them as no one from MN has so much as set foot in one.
MN children must be given names such as Toffelia Palamona Cumbratty-Smegson or they will end up being scarred for life.
MN Husbands / partners must work 26 hours per day in a senior role, earning a minimum of £100.000 per year before returning home to do the housework, cook the evening meal from scratch, bath the kids, read them a story and tuck them into bed before loading the dishwasher and putting the rubbish out.
He will then pour his exhausted Wife / partner a glass of wine and give her a foot massage because she has had an utterly exhausting day turning down wedding invites and planning Toffelias birthday party.
His Wife / partner will be on maternity leave from her £200.000 high powered exec career, after all, that 10 bedroom, 6 bathroomed detached house in the leafy suburbs won't buy itself you know.

Fruit is evil - just sugar and water.

If you allow your children to eat processed meat, you might as well kill them now and be done with it.

Women should not do housework while on maternity leave or being a SAHP as their job is only looking after the children.

Spa days are the holy grail of treats.

Every other kid has SN.*

Every other adult has depression or anxiety.**

*Genuine empathy for those that do but I'm suspicious of seeming bandwagon jumpers.

You should pander to your children who won't sleep for as many years as it takes. Who the hell cares if you need a good night's sleep (or the child for that matter).

Teaching is the hardest and most exhausting profession. (I actually believe this now but I learned about it on mumsnet).

Men should share all their money because its family money but women should have a secret running away fund.

Anyone who wears their clothes more than one day is a disgusting skank.

But you shouldn't shower every day because its bad for your skin.

Teenagers should never be taken to task for rude, obnoxious, disruptive behaviour "because its a difficult time".

Any suggestion that promiscuity may be physically or mentally unhealthy is met with accusations of slut shaming and you-go-girl comments.

Only on MN would a portion of chips and one fish be a huge dinner between an entire family.

Mn..if you’ve not had children by 35 you’ll fall off the fertility cliff and be a barren husk
If you’re man hasn’t proposed within 2yr he doesn’t love you and is waiting on the one
If you're unmarried you're a fool who’s given the goods away without a ring

Haha Teutonic, only in competitive frugality and tightwad threads will folk mention Asda

No-one is a Mumsnet is a fussy eater, they all have sensory issues.

And obviously towels must only be used once because they get so germy when you dry yourself after a ashower.

Actually only on MN will you get sensible advice, reassurance and support WRT how to get an abusive man out of your life. Everywhere else the advice will be, have you tried going on a diet/buying sexy underwear/being more understanding/not asking him to do his share of domestic work?
Because only on MN are there enough women to support and listen to other women and drown out the apologists and the mansplainers who moan on about marriages needing to be worked at, and men 'can't help' being lazy, selfish, greedy or controlling, that's just the way men are. The single best thing about MN is the number of women who've been encouraged to raise the bar massively regarding what they will tolerate from men.

If you're Irish,Scottish,Welsh please spell those names phonetically so English people who can’t be fucking bothered learning correct pronunciation can say the name
She- vaun
A-Lee
Keris

People actually post that as advice
Oh gosh no one will ever be able to pronounce that
Call baby the baby eee-fah

No-one I know gives a shit about wearing shoes in the house, unlike on Mumsnet where you need to have you feet surgially scrubbed at the door because germz.

"I am a nervous driver who won't go out after dark or anywhere new but I am perfectly safe on the road."

@Teutonic

Toffelia!

Only on mumsnet have I ever heard of someone finding ‘poo crumbs’ in their bed. Poo and crumbs being an oxymoron IRL

I'm 37 but I tell people I'm 47, that way they get to marvel at how young I look "for my age"

Teenagers need you more than a clingy, helpless toddler. It gets harder, not easier, as they grow older and that’s why you shouldn’t look to re-enter the workforce when they go off to secondary school. You need to be there for their emotional needs, which are apparently so draining that full time employment is out of the question.

And let's not mention the utterly batshit crazy psycho loons on the Brexit threads!

Today 22:56 EastMidsMummy

No-one I know gives a shit about wearing shoes in the house, unlike on Mumsnet where you need to have you feet surgially scrubbed at the door because germz

Oh I care - a lot! I remove my shoes when I go into anyone's house. I never ask people to take theirs off at mine but everyone does. I had a workman here this morning and he took his off straightaway. It's entirely normal.

It's not about germs, it's the dirt. Your shoes have walked in the street - where dogs shit and people spit and stub out their cigarettes. All that stuff sticks to the bottom of your shoes and you are happy to walk it into your house? Yuk.

Mn..if you’ve not had children by 35 you’ll fall off the fertility cliff and be a barren husk

Oh come on, Mumsnet is the last place you'll hear that nonsense.

Only on Mumsnet do people refuse to open their front door if they're "not expecting anyone". Cos you know, it could be Jason Voorhees.

I'm very impressed that this thread has gotten to 400+ posts without someone being offended!!!!

MN: “Rugby, Oundle or Oakham?”

RL: “Erm, Wigan High School.”

MN: “Healthy snack ideas for my toddler please? Ok, so an Avocado, cucumber with HM dip, sweet potato chips, cous cous...

RL: “An apple”.

MN: “My child won’t drink water. Shall I send weak (it’s always weak) squash into school? No. How does your child even know what squash is? Why would you have given them anything but water or milk ever?”

RL: “Yes. Every single other child has squash.”

MN: “My tampon is leaking. Your Tampon? Why are you using tampons? You shouldn’t be using a moncup. What do you MEAN you flush them down the toilet? How could you not know you should just pop them in your handbag to dispose of later.”

RL: “Buy a bigger size.”

MN: “So my child was sick and I bleached the floor....” BLEACH? How could you use such damaging chemicals? You should use a mix of one part zoflora with two parts bicarbonate and tree parts white vinegar. Don’t use a mop, get down on your hands and knees and scrub it.

RL: “Just use a load of disposable Dettol wipes and chuck them in the bin”

MN: “My bra is a bit uncomfortable. Oh you are definitely wearing the wrong size. Size 8? You’re definitely a 26JJ. What do you mean you can’t find one of those on the high street? Well go to Bravissimo. Don’t even step FOOT in M&S.”

RL: “Maybe it shrunk in the wash?”

But yeah, personally, in 40-odd years, I have never ever been asked for I.D. when buying booze, OR been mistaken for 15-20 years younger. And I don't believe anyone who says they get asked for ID when buying booze, when they are in their 40's

I have no reason to lie to you on an anonymous forum but it's happened to me loads. I was last asked for ID booze shopping before Christmas - I was 39. To be fair, they did hesitate and may not have been wearing their glasses, but they still asked. I promise you.

Only on MN would a portion of chips and one fish be a huge dinner between an entire family.

Yes, and you'd feel so afterwards, that you couldn't possibly manage so much as an after dinner mint, because that would be "greedy."
Oh, you walk 8 miles a day and do a physically demanding job, plus you have anaemia? Step away from the fridge and fill yourself up on water, you gluttonous beast!

*feel so full