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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to consider sending my 9 yo DD to boarding school?

176 replies

BTBuzby · 06/03/2018 01:59

She is really keen to go. I need to move her out of her private school soon anyway and I think it would work well. We've read lots of books about it and looked around a few but I'm getting lots of negative comments from family and friends alike for considering it as an option.

Does anyone have any recent knowledge of boarding schools and the reality of day to day life there?

We would be grateful for any feedback. Thank you.

OP posts:
Trailedanderror · 06/03/2018 02:02

It's too young. Why does she have to move from her current schools kid what are the alternatives?

Obi1Kenobi · 06/03/2018 02:05

Weekly or full? I think weekly could work. Full is too hard on a 9 year old girl.

applesandpears56 · 06/03/2018 02:07

She’s too young

DalekDalekDalek · 06/03/2018 02:10

If she wants to go then I think it is alright. The only opinions that matter are yours, hers and her dad's (assuming he is involved). If she doesn't like it she could always leave and go to a day school.

Some boarding schools do sleepover taster days, could you try that?

applesandpears56 · 06/03/2018 02:15

I think many 9 year olds want to - but they aren’t old enough to fully understand the impact on them. They don’t yet know what lonelyness or homesickness is so how can they properly assess the decision. The decision is for you and your oh to take for her best interests - her opinion matters of course but it shouldn’t lead you. I wouldn’t switch schools more than you have to personally.

AjasLipstick · 06/03/2018 02:17

15 or so is a better age OP. 9 is still quite small really. I agree that the idea of it has probably attracted her more than the reality would please her.

Twinkleheth · 06/03/2018 02:26

I have a 9 year old DD and two older DDs and can’t imagine sending them away at that age. They still need cuddles and nurturing. I think it’s too young.

Italiangreyhound · 06/03/2018 02:29

Just my humble opinion but I am not a fan of boarding schools unless there is a specific reason to send a child to one, like a specialist school.

If she goes to boarding school who will be influencing your child as she grows into a teen? What will she be doing, talking about, who will she be friends with, what will be troubling her?

My dd lives in the next room to me and it is bloody hard to get the info on all of the above, and more. I would worry I would lose the little influence I had and our relationship would change for the worse. I may dream of sending her when she is a total pain but in reality I could not.

Eltonjohnssyrup · 06/03/2018 02:33

9 is too young. There were some 9 yos at mine and they really struggled. Weekly could possibly work at a push. It’s not at all like books, that is possibly the worst preparation you could do.

9 year olds don’t have the resilience IMO, school can be quite brutal in all it’s forms and at 9 you need to have a retreat from it very regularly.

TheButterflyOfTheStorms · 06/03/2018 02:35

'Wants to go' or 'thinks it's like Hogwarts'?

I think a 9 yo isn't mature enough to think through what it would be like. How much emotional support do you offer her day to day? I can't imagine DD either getting that from someone else or not getting it.

Fortunatelymine · 06/03/2018 02:48

After the stories I have heard from dh, which he was told by a male friend of his who went to boarding school, there is no way in hell I'd ever send mine. Maybe it's different for girls (although I imagine it can be just as bad due to bitchiness), and there are no doubt some which are better than others, but the things that happen there and are never reported can be truly horrifying.

GinIsIn · 06/03/2018 03:02

I loved boarding school but I would wait until secondary age.

DressingGown · 06/03/2018 03:15

I went to boarding school at age 9. I wasn’t troubled by homesickness but most of the girls my age were pretty upset, especially at weekends. I’m not sorry I went and I coped fine - but then I didn’t (and don’t) have a great relationship with my parents. It was a relief to be away!
I think Italiangreyhound is spot on. I had a whale of a time and got away with all sorts in my later years there that I never would have got away with at “home”.
Personally i wouldn’t send my dd (or ds) to boarding school for fear of what would happen to our relationship. I know my mother really struggled with sending me away and still regrets doing it.
Having said all that, I know people who went to boarding school and who get on great with their parents. Think it really depends on how your relationship is now and how much that could be maintained.

Steamcloud · 06/03/2018 03:16

Have a look at the YouTube documentary "Leaving home at eight" (iirc there is one part for girls and one for boys). Personally, I think nine is too young and I would never choose to send my dd to boarding school, but I think they can have some benefits for "onlys" on occasion. But age aside, I think you need to be sure that your dd has the right sort of personality for boarding school, ie fairly confident, resilient, physically robust, able to keep up with lots of activities, outgoing etc (bit of a generalisation but you catch my drift!).

Devilishpyjamas · 06/03/2018 03:28

There’s a recent thread on here discussing people’s experiences of boarding school and the impact it had on them. Why not read it?

Why does she have to change schools?

Panicmode1 · 06/03/2018 03:36

I think 9 is too young. I went at 11 and found t hard at first (as did many of the girls), but I loved it overall. I would wait for secondary - or if she's keen to try, somewhere that does flexiboarding?

YouCantGetHereFromThere · 06/03/2018 03:39

At 9 I really wouldn't be so sure. Can she do a few trial days?

My oldest went to boarding school at 13 - her choice. She is very happy there. She has a lovely room mate. She knows she could come home any time and go to the local school, but she chooses not to.

DH went to boarding school at 8 and he said the first few years were really really tough. He loved it from about 13 onward. Mind you, his boarding school was absolutely brutal...

Obi1Kenobi · 06/03/2018 03:40

Cousin did day boarding at 10 and loved it but his mum lives 3 minutes down the lane from Queens so he knew it was a hop, skip and jump to ‘home’.

YouCantGetHereFromThere · 06/03/2018 03:51

I'm not sure if I can help much with day-to-day life as DD is in a state-run boarding school in the US, and they only take students age 13+. It's run on a shoestring so nothing fancy - it looks like a 1970s UK comprehensive school basically.

They have up to 4 per room. They can bunk their beds for more space. They each get a small chest of drawers and wardrobe and desk. They can stick hooks to doors, and they can put up posters etc. They generally organise it so they have one fridge and one printer per room (students bring them). Some bring futons or beanbags.

The bathrooms are pretty poky and nasty but there are enough of them.

The students are divided into 4 wings, 2 for girls and 2 for boys. They have a shared lounge that has a big TV, lots of tables, lots of board games and lots of sofas.

They have a lot of clubs and things to do. They regularly do mall trips, movie trips, ice skating, bowling, skiing. They have residential staff who live on site and who hang out with the students a lot - they'll have them over for tea, or do organised things with them.

They have free sports every evening, so they play basketball, badminton, ultimate frisbee, they can swim, use the gym equipment.

They sometimes do a movie night in the pool. They have loads of social events.

They are allowed to sign out and walk to the nearby shop or pizza place, but they have to go in pairs. They can also go out running or cycling or for a walk, again only in pairs.

They start off with fairly strict rules as to when they are expected to be working on homework, but if they maintain a B grade or above then they are pretty much left to it. They have wifi but it's switched off at 11pm when lights must be switched off.

They come home at least once a month - they're actually transported to various parts of the state by bus. I don't think this is normal for a boarding school...

It has a really really lovely community feel to it. The kids all spend a lot of time together and are very close. It's like a huge family. Some people argue but mostly it's very supportive.

The food is pretty awful especially if you're vegetarian, but there are a fair few options at each meal, and there's always a salad bar and soup station.

They have a nurse, and a counselor comes in regularly. If your child gets sick then they stay in their room and have food brought and are regularly checked, and taken to the doc if needed. If they're likely to be sick for more than a few days you come and get them, and bring them home.

I'm not sure if that's helpful, but I have to say DD really loves it. I like visiting her there but I would find it very claustrophobic to live there.

ajandjjmum · 06/03/2018 04:00

Boarding school has suited some of the children I know, and not others, who really struggled. But without exception it has created a 'distance' between them and their parents.

Tamatave2000 · 06/03/2018 04:02

To OP

Maybe a few trial nights as already suggested? I personally would wait until your DD is 11. However, maybe there are other circumstances involved?

kateandme · 06/03/2018 04:44

she thnks its a good idea because to her it will seem like a holiday almost.you think its some kind of massive sleepver with your friends.
reality is very different.
they arent all they seem.they arent what your told in the brochures.brochures cant tell you the peer pressure of beahviours of young girls when lodged living together alone for such length of time.they cant tell you how it really feel to not have your family.how to get funding they now have tp push even further for the "results"
how you need your family around at just the age sometimes you just.need.them.and only them.
they seem to have changed.all u see in normal schooling can be tenfold when your locking that set of pupils and troubles ina building together.
so many bad experiences in them.its so young at 9 too.
I wouldn't.ever put my gir through it.

Want2bSupermum · 06/03/2018 04:48

youcan Sounds a lot like the boarding school I went to. Dorms had 8 beds in each of them and were inhabited by U3 to L5 girls. U5-U6 either shared a bigger room or a small single room. I always opted for a small single room. Managed to only share for one term in sixth form thank heavens. We went home for the weekend half way through the time between start/end of term and half term. It was called an exeat weekend.

Some of the girls were bitchy and some just stuck up. The vast majority were lovely.

At 9 I would consider a local prep school. If I lived at home I'd send my eldest to Packwood. It's an excellent prep school and most are weekly boarders.

flumpybear · 06/03/2018 04:59

My DD is 9, recently went on two lots of two over night residential trips, first with her dad via cubs and loved it. Second with school so just students whom she's known since reception and teachers .... she was really looking forward to it, even said oh mummy it'll be like boarding school .... she, and all the other children I saw were hugging their parents off the coach when they got home, it was chaos because nobody could get back to the bags and cases because the pavements were knee deep in children hugging and saying I missed you mummy

Secondly, why would you want your child's influential people to be strangers rather than her parents? At 9 they're still looking for support growing up, hugs, kisses, cuddles all the time, mum and dad are still the centre of their universe - why break that and give up those beautiful moments and bonding times to a random teacher or some friends who don't have her best interests at heart ?