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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to consider sending my 9 yo DD to boarding school?

176 replies

BTBuzby · 06/03/2018 01:59

She is really keen to go. I need to move her out of her private school soon anyway and I think it would work well. We've read lots of books about it and looked around a few but I'm getting lots of negative comments from family and friends alike for considering it as an option.

Does anyone have any recent knowledge of boarding schools and the reality of day to day life there?

We would be grateful for any feedback. Thank you.

OP posts:
OutsideContextProblem · 06/03/2018 07:51

I went to boarding school at that age for very specific reasons and I think they have their place but only for older children or where there are very compelling practical reasons. I absolutely wouldn’t chose it in your situation.

Amanduh · 06/03/2018 07:55

At 9 I was desperate to go to boarding school. I loved Malory Towers.
In reality, I would have hated it

Topseyt · 06/03/2018 07:55

9 is way too young.

Is she reading Enid Blyton crap about boarding school? That is fiction. Reality is very different.

Do read the recent thread as linked above. It is an eye opener. Very sad for many. I wouldn't want that for mine. School years throw up enough challenges as it is. Imagine having no escape from it.

TheDowagerCuntess · 06/03/2018 07:55

I'm surprised that you would think her wanting to go is enough of a reason to send her - surely(?!) you must see that she has absolutely no understanding of what boarding school is actually like, and her wish to go is not grounded in reality.

How ... odd.

bakingdemon · 06/03/2018 07:58

I fully boarded from the age of 8 (parents lived overseas) and loved it. It's not for everyone, but she may love it too.

TheDowagerCuntess · 06/03/2018 08:00

My Mum went to boarding (secondary) school because her family farmed and lived rurally, and so she pretty much had to.

She loved it, and stayed friends with her classmates until she died.

I read the St Clare's books and based on them and DM's stories, I really, really wanted to go.

Mum and Dad said no. Me wanting to go wasn't even close enough to being a reason to send me.

For the record, my Dad also went to boarding school (for the same reason). He hated it.

CommanderDaisy · 06/03/2018 08:13

I don't understand why people have children, then send them off to a boarding school to essentially , let strangers raise them.
There's no way I'd do this, especially during tween/teen years when parental guidance is vital.
Weird.

Hoppinggreen · 06/03/2018 08:17

Absolutely no way would I even consider it.
I went to Boarding School as a day pupil and with a very few exceptions there was no good reason for most children to be there. We also have young relatives at Boarding school and older family members who went many years ago.
Our young relatives beg to come and stay with us all the time at weekends as they hate it and spend the weekend glued to me. The people I were at school with used to ask to come home with me every weekend as well and the older relatives still remember how it felt to be abandoned ( as they put it) at an early age.
My friends who boarded were probably more independent than the day pupils but they were also much more detached from their parents.
Unless it’s absolutely necessary it’s not something I would ever do

MarshaBradyo · 06/03/2018 08:18

I couldn’t even consider this, ds2 is 9 this year. He’s still so little

kungfupannda · 06/03/2018 08:23

Not at 9, and I'm on the fence about older boarders.

I went at 13 due to unforeseen family circumstances (illness and bereavement related) and struggled at first, but ultimately found it a positive experience - although looking back on it now, I think it was a case of it being the best outcome in the circumstances, rather than being the best option per se, if that makes sense.

The youngest boarders at my school were 9 and they all seemed to find it very difficult. I think it's too young.

yolofish · 06/03/2018 09:03

did the OP come back??

HoppingPavlova · 06/03/2018 09:11

Both of mine wanted to go to boarding school after watching Harry Potter and reading books like Malory Towers. I had to explain the reality did not match unless of course you ARE Harry Potter where anything would have been a step up from living in a hole under some stairs with people who detested you.

For a 9yo from a normal loving home then it would be completely unsuitable in the context of healthy mental and emotional development.

BakedBeans47 · 06/03/2018 09:15

9?!

My son is 9 and he’s still tiny, I can’t imagine him being away at boarding school. Makes me sad :(

Taffeta · 06/03/2018 09:17

Great point, Hopping.

Harry Potter doesn’t show children being bullied through the night. It rarely shows children crying themselves silently to sleep. Dumbledore is portrayed as a father figure for Harry, and Hagrid as almost like a mother. Dumbledore and Hagrid don’t exist in RL boarding schools.

At the end of the day, people that work at boarding schools are doing a job. They don’t love your child.

happyvalley74 · 06/03/2018 09:18

I work in a boarding school and they have changed massively in the last few years.

Loads of kids love it. The activities and opportunities are brilliant, the standard of care is very good and the education is usually five star.

Would I send my own? No way.

Taffeta · 06/03/2018 09:21

Would I send my own? No way

And that, from someone that works in one, really says it all.

Can I ask why not happyvalley?

StableGenius · 06/03/2018 09:23

What area of the UK are you in? There are v v few full-boarding preps now anyway, and hardly any are single-sex girls, and I'd be amazed if that was what OP was looking for anyway, as they're almost exclusively used by parents for whom it would be physically impossible to do weekly or flexi-boarding (in the younger age groups at least).

At 9, nearly all her peers would be flexi (basically sleepovers with activities), or perhaps weekly, boarding. Lots and lots of preps offer this (depending on your location), but you'll need to shop around to see how many younger children/girls board at what times. Be very specific in asking about this - the last thing you want is dd all alone in a crowd of y7/8s while all the younger kids go home after school.

In short, it's a decision you'll need to research very carefully. The literature might make it sound great to your dd, but an awful lot will depend again on who she ends up in a dorm with - and you can't research that, unfortunately.

baylisbaylis · 06/03/2018 09:27

I went to boarding school and would say 9 is too young. I know exactly what goes on, it's not all bad, but I just wouldn't risk it if I could avoid it!
Being at boarding school is not like going to day school. It is extreme, what I mean is it will be the either best or the worst years of your life. I just wouldn't risk it, specially at such a young age. I wouldn't even consider it until A levels.

Neolara · 06/03/2018 09:27

My DH and I both went to boarding school. Neither of us would send our dcs.

happyvalley74 · 06/03/2018 09:28

Taffeta because it's not home. Simple as that.

Every single really young child who starts in boarding is chronically homesick for weeks if not months. What can we do? Nothing.

They cry at night. All I can do is say turn your pillow over to a dry bit, close your eyes and try to sleep. I have 50 kids in a house. I can't sit with them all for hours each night and hold their hand because they want mum. I'm sorry but I just can't.

I would never put my own child through it

Taffeta · 06/03/2018 09:33

They cry at night. All I can do is say turn your pillow over to a dry bit, close your eyes and try to sleep. I have 50 kids in a house. I can't sit with them all for hours each night and hold their hand because they want mum. I'm sorry but I just can't

Thank you for saying that happy. Of course you can’t.

This is what people don’t get though I think. No matter how wonderful the grounds, how good the staff, it is not home, kids will cry and cry and have no one to comfort them.

Yes, even in 2018! This never changes. It is the nature and setup of boarding school.

Enb76 · 06/03/2018 09:35

I went at 9 - I was not homesick at all. I was a weekly boarder so came home at weekends but a lot of the fun stuff happened at weekends so after a year I asked to become a full boarder. The only person I wasn't keen on was our house matron (patronising cowbag). The house mistress was lovely and had an awesome dog. Top of the Pops on Thursdays, playing 40/40, British bulldog and hide and seek - going into town in pairs on weekends. Loved it.

I loved it until I was about 14 but it wasn't the boarding I didn't like at that point, it was school, peers and partly it was just being a miserable teenager.

MarshaBradyo · 06/03/2018 09:38

Happy exactly for the simple reason it’s not home

I’d never put my child through that so young. Not to mention my own reaction which would be to miss him too much - understatement can’t contemplate it

happyvalley74 · 06/03/2018 09:45

Even when they are older, there is no age at which they don't need you. I have also worked with older teenagers and they need just as much support but in a different way.

When I have 45 older teens coming in from school I say to each one "how was your day?". "Fine" they say, and that's usually as much of a conversation as we have. They speak to friends and parents though, of course, but they don't have someone when they get in from school who is there to listen to them offload about their day, keep track of exactly which test they had when etc. Sometimes they might have worries but they're not going to tell me and they also don't tell their parents because they don't want them to worry.

I think it's a very weird situation to put any child in.

I encourage my own children to be independent, but not needing me at all is a whole different thing.

EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 06/03/2018 09:46

Of course you are getting negative responses becuase most people simply can not understand why parents send their children away unless it’s the only option after many have been chosen

Why does a child need to be send away to gain maturity or independence at such a young age