to consider sending my 9 yo DD to boarding school?

[BTBuzby]

She is really keen to go. I need to move her out of her private school soon anyway and I think it would work well. We've read lots of books about it and looked around a few but I'm getting lots of negative comments from family and friends alike for considering it as an option.

Does anyone have any recent knowledge of boarding schools and the reality of day to day life there?

We would be grateful for any feedback. Thank you.

Only you know your child OP. Some children would hate it others love it.
DS1 boarded from 8 -18,(scholarship/bursary 2 schools 1 prep 1 senior) to start with weekly then later full at his request. They did so many activities he felt he was missing out coming home. If anything, if I had my time again I would have pulled him out at 15 as the school he was at then was winding down boarding and the level of supervision disappeared. think sending them out into a major city centre and telling them not to come back until 7pm because there were no staff in, we didn't know this until after the event

Did he feel he was missing out by being there and not at home? I'm sure at times he did, but he gained in many ways that his siblings didn't. He loved his time at the prep school. It closed a few years ago but he has said that if it had still been there he would have wanted his DS to go there. He is subjective about the senior school being 'good' for him in some ways but he felt as it had switched to day school with a handful of boarders the boys were not treated evenly. As I say with hindsight I made poor choice there.
He does have MH issues which started around that time (15-16) but we feel he would have had those regardless of schooling and not caused by going to BS at a young age.
Did he 'have' to go to BS?..no..but circumstances at the time and his desire to go coupled with state school not meeting his needs meant it was right at that point. He was never away long. The days of not seeing parents for 3 months are long gone..had undivided attention when he was home. His relationship with his siblings improved, academically needs were met. He even slept...something he hadn't managed at home!

OP - On MN you will be slated for considering it but go with what is best for you DD.
Half the parents on here only see their own kids to get them up and put them to bed from baby-hood before bonds are made ,they hand them over to others to be parented and do not see the irony of their comments- and before I get ripped to shreds I know they have no choice, bills to pay but that is why people get so het up about it. Parental guilt is in all of us...we can only do what is best at the time and hope for the best.

I think it is neglectful parenting under 16. Children need their parents. They may as well be in a good foster setting.

But no child needs ‘house parents’ do they?

Don’t you just parent your own kids? Cannot imagine sending any of mine away let alone at 9 ffs that’s a baby

If I had enough money I would want my child to go to a prep school with a flexi boarding option, then from 13 as a weekly boarder. Although you might find as a weekly boarder of full boarder if there are a decent number of exceats and you can go see them on the other weekends.

I think it is important that it is a 'proper/ boarding school where boarding is the norm and day pupils are the minority. No good for a boarder being the other way round.

I went to boarding school and they have kids from 10. They were way too young, almost running around feral and the older kids had to look after them

It was quite sad as most of them had a sad home life, eg parents divorced with new family so put the kids in boarding

I started boarding at 16 and loved it

So much emotive language. "sending them away" " Children need their parents. " indeed they do, but if you can't see that spending every waking moment with your child isn't the only way to bring up a happy and successful person, you have a lack of imagination.

How many posts on here do you see? "I hate the school holidays they are driving mu up the bend" How many children are in before/after school club just get picked up, given dinner, helped with their homework and put to bed? Hardly quality interaction or parenting.

Those to me are much sadder situations than a child flexi-boarding.

Don't do it. Read this instead: www.google.co.uk/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/books/2015/jun/08/boarding-school-syndrome-joy-schaverien-review

9 is too young and boarding school is emotionally damaging. Yes I speak from experience (went at 8)

Mine weekly boards OP, although some weekends she doesn't come home and every week she has rehearsals Saturday morning so we see her saturday night and sunday until about 6.30 ish.

She went at 11 and absolutely loves it, and is thriving. We miss her terribly, but it's a small price to pay for their happiness and of course future prospects.

But if they're boarding you're not bringing them up are you Fluffy

There’s a bit of a gap between ‘sending them away to boarding school at 9 and spending every waking moment with your child!

9 year olds go to school and clubs etc but how could you possibly not want to see them, hug them, chat to them and listen to them in the evenings.

I think that’s really sad actually

YouCantGetHereFromThere

Are you being serious asking what other options you have? Try every other option. You can home school, state school, grammar school or private school. None of which involve shipping off a 9 year old. What a rediculous comment.

9 is too young for some kids, but you know your own child best- DN went at 12 and had the time of his life, sibling went a year later and hates it (still).

Come teenage years or adulthood most children leave home. Why would you want to cut their childhood at home short? They'll spend most of their lives elsewhere. Keep them at home while they're young where they should be. Memories of childhood should be about family not a building away from home.

I work in a prep boarding school. So many on this thread are talking blindly about a subject they have no clue about. Boarding today is hugely different from even 10 years ago.
Personally, in the younger years I prefer flexi or weekly boarding. But for some children full boarding (which still involves going home every three weeks at least) is the best option. I know this isn’t the case for the op, but children board for all sorts of reasons, I’ve had children of single parents where that parent has a debilitating illness, or even died, children who never saw their parents previously because they were working, children from forces families or those who were living abroad and risked their lives even getting to the local school and of late children placed with us you were in care of local authorities.
Not all boarding schools are bad, as I walk around the dorms at night I hear relatively few tears and an awful lot more giggling and laughter. No it’s not for everybody, but neither is everyone there miserable and unloved. If it’s not for your family fine, but don’t judge others for who it does work or believe everything you hear, particularly horror stories from the past.

Are you being serious asking what other options you have? Try every other option. You can home school, state school, grammar school or private school. None of which involve shipping off a 9 year old. What a rediculous comment.

Yeah - we did try every option available. There aren't that many for us, but we investigated them all. I'm sure the OP (whose child is 9, mine was 13 at that point) will have more options, living in the UK, but some of us actually do not.

quitecontrary

If they are in full time childcare and you hardly see them, are you also not raising your children?
What about parents who work away? Fathers who leave all the childcare to their wives?
Parents who have active social lives at the weekend and very little family time?
The amount of people who moan about their partners hobbies, taking up the weekend.
Children who do many activities during the week and weekend, these aren't spending time with parents either.

I weekly boarded from 9 and loved it. It really depends on the child. I was still very loved by my parents and knew that. We had lovely House parents who were there for any issues/cuddles etc. There were 4 girls to a room until we hit 14 and then it was small single rooms. It worked for us as a family, I was perfectly happy. There were the odd teary moments from other girls but you could call your parents whenever you wanted and really they were very rare.

If you were ill then you stayed in your room, the school nurse (ours was a GP) would check on you as well as your house parents. If it was very bad (tonsillitis etc) and you were able to go "home", you would.

We had so much to do in the evenings and if you were there on weekends, they were jam packed too.

As I said it is completely dependent on the child but I loved it

Hmm. I have a boarder, and it's the most miraculous thing that could ever have happened to him. But I said no at 8 (he went at 13, and I put the bunting out ).

Children and families are all different. I didn't need to post on MN when Ds was 8, as he would have gone to boarding school over my dead body several times over then. I didn't need to ask strangers what they thought. And when he was 13, I didn't need to post on MN, because it was a done deal, and was obviously the best thing for him. I have other children, who are not boarders (DS had a massive scholarship), and who are at local day schools.

If I had the money, all of mine would be boarding. But never mind MN, OP: if funds will stretch to it, go with your gut instinct on this one.

I think it is neglectful parenting under 16. Children need their parents. They may as well be in a good foster setting.

Oh, blimey. Really, Talith. I am afraid it is rot which you speak.

Final point from me. My Boarder knows that he is loved to infinity and beyond. I am still his main point of reference. The school sends them home every 20 minutes (or so it feels). Things have moved on from even 20 years ago. The school is approachable on every level, despite being 250 miles away. I couldn't recommend it more.

At least my children are under my roof.

I went at 7 for weekly. Absolutely loved it. Great great school. (Kitebrook House In Moreton in the Marsh). 12-16 didn't like at all, full boarding. 16-18 6th form is shared housing. Awesome!!

My DS and DD have both boarded from 11. They started because we were overseas with no suitable school but when we moved home they chose to carry on because they absolutely love it! We are extremely close, it has strengthened our family bond rather than the reverse. They both have fabulous teachers and role-models at school, and the opportunity to take part in endless varied activities. As PP said, they are home regularly for weekends nowadays. We WhatsApp and chat on the phone and we go to watch matches and to chapel. It won’t suit everyone but it works for all of us fantastically well.

Children need their parents. They may as well be in a good foster setting.

That's exactly it. It's basically private foster care,isn't it?
I could never, ever send a 9 year old away. They'd have to learn to emotionally detach from people, and have nobody around to love them. They got taught well, fine, but emotional wellness is just as important and how can they do that if they have to sever relationships?
You just need to read the thread with now grown up children who went to boarding school saying how they felt and coped being sent away - it's heartbreaking.

just putting this here again from earlier in the thread:

*Every single really young child who starts in boarding is chronically homesick for weeks if not months. What can we do? Nothing.

They cry at night. All I can do is say turn your pillow over to a dry bit, close your eyes and try to sleep.*

This PP is currently working in a boarding school and has said, up thread, that she would never consider it for her DC.