to consider sending my 9 yo DD to boarding school?

[BTBuzby]

She is really keen to go. I need to move her out of her private school soon anyway and I think it would work well. We've read lots of books about it and looked around a few but I'm getting lots of negative comments from family and friends alike for considering it as an option.

Does anyone have any recent knowledge of boarding schools and the reality of day to day life there?

We would be grateful for any feedback. Thank you.

Why would you want to send you 9 year old daughter away? Unless things are really bad at home, surely she's better off surrounded by the people who love her the best? Do you not want to simply be with your little girl? Boarding school is an institution, not a family. Your DD would be surrounded by other girls whose parents have sent them away to school for whatever reason.
I'm far from a perfect parent and crave a little time without my DD and DS, but I would never ever send them away to live unless I genuinely thought they would be better off without me...

Most of the really young boarders full board as they're from army families.

Nine is very young, but for some children, in some circumstances, it can be the best thing. Since she's keen, I certainly wouldn't dismiss the idea - but develop it to a specific plan for a specific pattern of (weekly?) boarding at a specific school that she's spent a taster day and night at, and go ahead if she's still keen - with the understanding that it's an experiment and if she hates it you pull her out. I think with an older child it could work to say they're committing to try it for a term or some such, but nine is too young for that IMHO. However inconvenient, there has to be a plan B.

My parents sent me because not only was local provision was dreadful (lived in the middle of nowhere) and because that's what people in their social circle did - none of my parent's friends or even acquaintances had children in day or... shudder... state schools, even those who lived in London. Admittedly this was late 80's.

No one knows your DD on here as well as you do so totally your choice, I know I couldn't have done it with either of my kids at that age though

If she starts at a boarding school as a day pupil, as you say you need to change her school anyway, then she could try boarding bit by bit. At first she will be able to stay the odd night if she wants, then building up.

This is the only way I would consider it I think. Even then I wouldn't want any more than weekly boarding. Mind you at that point, as others have said, the weeklies start to feel they're missing out on weekend activities and before you know it she's full boarding.

Is this what you want though? To "lose" her to school?

She's far too young.She has no idea of how isolating and lonely it can be away from her family being looked after by strangers who don't love her no matter how good their intentions are. This is a crucial time in her development - she needs you. She's too young to decide for herself and she won't thank you when she's an adult. She'll wonder why you let her leave. 13 would be the earliest age for boarding, and only if absolutely necessary. Find her another private school.

When will the parenting take place? At the weekend? Do you want to miss out on that bonding time? Don't you think it sets up your relationship for your future life with them? I would hate to hand over that privilege to someone else at 9 or any age.

I was a day-girl at a predominantly boarding school in the 1980s - very progressive and caring etc. Having spent 7 years in that environment and with fellow pupils, I have to say that hell would freeze over before I sent a child of mine to board.

OP read that thread that's been linked. There are lots of people on there who wanted to board at your DD's age, but now realise that they were too young to make that decision, and bitterly resent their parents for going along with it.

And I'm sorry, I know it's a cliche - but why have kids if you don't want to spend time with them?

It's not like Hogwarts! I strongly disagree about boarding teaching 'independence'. From my friends it seems to have mostly taught them to hide normal emotions for fear of seeming weak, and left them deeply insecure about why their families didn't 'want' them at home. A child has to feel secure first to learn to be independence and resilience, throwing them in the deep end without that attachment/security being rock solid doesn't work.

I think you need to do some reading about the effect of boarding school on children (there is even a name for it boarding school syndrome).
Reading around that subject, you will see that even children who say they were happy have been influenced a lot by being at boarding school. Whether they are qualities you want to encourage in your child (indépendance but to the point of struggling to relate to others) is up to you to decide tbh.

I remember as a 6th former being followed around by kids in the younger years (age 11 upwards) . They wanted to talk to me, would sometimes even ring my house in the evening - basically they desperately wanted a mother figure, and matron was too stretched to provide this. Funnily enough I met one of those girls at a party recently. She spoke at length about the misery of her years at boarding school. Her parents are both dead now, but she hadn't seen them for years before they died, as she could never forgive them for sending her away.

And btw a 9yo shouldn’t be making any decisions like this. They don’t have the maturity and the knowledge to do so.
Please don’t give her that sort of responsibility.
And keep it as your responsibility only. YOU should be the one to decide. And you should be the one who will also shoulder any potential issue. So for exam0e, if it’s notnworking, this is your reapoansibility to deal with. This will also leave your dd the option to say that actually it’s not working for her if you do decide to send her.

I boarded from 6 and it was the best start I could have had in life.

I don’t have any personal experience of boarding school, but I wouldn’t send a 9yo. I think it’s far too young.

If you have no choice then weekly boarding at the most, but not full boarding.

I have a lot of friends who boarded from a young age and they all found it very difficult emotionally until they were in their mid-teens and even then would rather not have gone.

From someone who went at 13, and whose sister went at 10, please don't, it's just too young.

My sister used to cry herself to sleep every night, I was summoned from my boarding house to sit with her. I had to squash my own feelings because she needed me.

We only went because it was a specialist music school. The education and musical training we received was superlative. The pastoral side was horrific. If you google specialist music school sexual abuse, my school will be up there with multiple court cases.

Although obviously people are now very aware, and checks are in place to stop anything being that bad again, the reality is, in a boarding house of 50 kids, so much happens that the house parents don't know about. You don't tell your parents because, really, what can they do.

I would never send any of mine, specialist education or not. If I had to, it wouldn't be before 14, and they would only be weekly boarders.

One of my dormmates was from Hong Kong, so only went home 3 times a year. She'd been there since she was 8.

My daughter was 9 (almost 10) when she started boarding; she had grown up a lot in the year before and we were very glad she didn't go a year earlier. Choirschool nearest home so a very specific reason for it - and it was something she'd wanted to do from the age of 5 (she was 8 -and still asking - before I actually let her know that girls' choirs existed though!)

The first term we brought her home every Saturday morning / back Sunday night, and found that the 1.5 hr drive was a perfect length for her tell me all about her week - which was quite positive. After that choir duties meant that she was home 1 weekend a term other than holidays, though we went down to see her more often.

I tried to persuade her to change back to a dayschool at 13 but she was keen to continue boarding. Her current school is closer though and she comes home a lot more often which is great.

I've come across a lot of people who suggest that 1.5 hours travelling is a good maximum distance to school, particularly when they are younger. I agree with the people who suggest trying to find somewhere sufficiently local that flexi-boarding is an option. I think a cousin of mine did something like that and it worked well for her - it suited her to gradually spend more time at school as she got older.

My youngest will board from 13, and though I'm glad he will have the opportunities that will offer, I'm also very glad he was able to go to a day choirschool. If he had needed to board to sing, he would have had to go at 8 which would have been much harder I think.

I worked in a boarding school for a while. The children who tended to thrive the most were the ones who have moved home and location many times (such as military families or travelling contract workers). They saw boarding school as a way of getting stability.

I would never have sent my DCs to a boarding school because I consider it to be very important that they had a normal family life, enjoyed friendships and followed interests or hobbies away from school. There are better ways to make children become independent.

Every single really young child who starts in boarding is chronically homesick for weeks if not months. What can we do? Nothing.

They cry at night. All I can do is say turn your pillow over to a dry bit, close your eyes and try to sleep.

I grew up in a boarding school, living with my parents who were houseparents. They were great at being in loco parentis, very caring and an open-door policy. They cared for mostly teen girls, rather than younger. But as PP above says, no one can hold the hands of 50+ children through their emotional ups and downs, homesickness, worries about friendships, family dramas like parents divorcing or for the army kids worries about where their parents had been posted. You can give a lot of yourself, but you will still always just be A Concerned Adult Figure, no matter how empathetic and wise you are. Those children may look back on fondness about you, even, and stay in touch into adult life but you will never, ever, ever be able to fill the hole a parent has left.

I absolutely couldn't do it. There's many great things about many great schools, but boarding at 9 I think would be fucking awful.

My kids are day at a boarding school. The school do Flexi boarding so they can get a taste for it. It's a small school but a large percentage over 7 end up boarding though choice. They live close enough to be day but choose to board, some just a couple of nights, others the whole time. I wouldn't drop a child straight in far from home but if she's keen and you can let her have a taste of it.

My nieces both go as weekly boarders but more often than not opt to stay weekends as well as there is so much going on , sports matches and all their friends are there, they absolutely love it and are thriving , why not try it, if after a term she doesn’t like it, she can always leave!!

if after a term she doesn’t like it, she can always leave!!

That’s much easier said than done though, in reality. How easy is it for parents to magic up a place at a suitable alternative school at the drop of a hat? How much £ will they lose in school fees? And how likely is it that either the child will put up and shut up, or the parents say “try it for another term” and the child then feel that they have to just get on with it.

My grandad was a choir boy and got a full boarding scholarship from 7. He was from a fairly poor family so was a fantastic opportunity and obviously it was the 1930s so schools are very different now. But separating him from his parents at such a young age affected him for his entire life and he never forgave his parents.

You normally have to give half a term notice, and school places are much easier to find when you’re paying!! I think most things in life are worth giving a go!!

I'll neber understand why people would choose to have children then send them away. That's exactly what it is, it's sending them away. There are other options for schools.