to consider sending my 9 yo DD to boarding school?

[BTBuzby]

She is really keen to go. I need to move her out of her private school soon anyway and I think it would work well. We've read lots of books about it and looked around a few but I'm getting lots of negative comments from family and friends alike for considering it as an option.

Does anyone have any recent knowledge of boarding schools and the reality of day to day life there?

We would be grateful for any feedback. Thank you.

I went to boarding school at 11. No way on gods earth will I be sending my kids to one. The only way you cope as a kid is by cutting the strong emotional ties with your parents.

It was a good education and I’m pretty resilient and independent. But my relationship with my parents suffered and still does.

I want that emotional connection with my kids. I want them to turn to me and rely on me (and my oh). I don’t want them relying on house parents to give them that. That’s not what I had kids for.

I'll neber understand why people would choose to have children then send them away. That's exactly what it is, it's sending them away. There are other options for schools.

Really? What other options were there for my DD?

Weekly boarding is different from full. I can honestly say I never had any inclination to cry, nor did I seek any hand holding from an adult (ours were called house matrons not house parents, and the title I suppose indicated a different role). 9 is probably too young, but I'm glad I got to weekly board from 11. It one thing I don't blame my parents for, though I'm as good at the next person at blaming them for stuff

I value independence, adaptability and resilience highly, and see them as my greatest strengths. However I assume I had them before boarding, as I was never upset by being away from my parents.

My parents did both work full time, use nannies and moved house a lot while I was primary age though. They'd settled in the nauseatingly clichéd forever house by the time I was 11, but I think it was too late - I was already rootless :o My younger siblings never boarded and are more rooted, I think.

I'd let my kids weekly but not full board theoretically, but in reality we have no need and they are all very rooted indeed and would never choose to. I do value a sense of belonging and community too and my kids have that but although they have independence skills they don't have the independent mindset imo. I once suggested to DD (nearly 13) that she could do sixth form, or even just a random year, at a UK state boarding school (we've lived abroad, in the same place, since she was a baby) as a quirk of her birthdate means she'll finish GCSE equivalents here when she's still only 15 so she has time to play with, but she was firmly against the idea which is good as it's be expensive, but it'd be good for maintaining true bilingualism

I don’t get it either, apart from having severe and complex additional needs which absolutely cannot be accommodated at home. What amazing things can a child gain at boarding school, that go over and above being able to cuddle their parents and siblings every day? I cannot see any benefits to it outside of high needs, or very dysfunctional family that the child is better off away from. You can do tonnes of extra curricular activities, get tutors if you wish, take them on amazing holidays, for less than the cost of boarding school and they actually get properly parented by.... their parents.

I loved it at boarding school personally and I went from 9 years old

still wondering if OP is coming back or if this is classic DMail fodder??
Anyway I guess the answer to AIBU in this case is pretty much 99.9% a resounding YES

I actually would never be able to trust the people caring for my DDs at a boarding school, but that's because I'm an abuse survivor (including at the convent school I went to). Obviously the safeguards will be much better now, what with the DBS checks now, but I would have too much anxiety if they weren't at home for long periods.

Clearly there are sometimes good and valid reasons for sending children to boarding school - and the 'I'll never understand why people send their children away' wholesale dismissals add nothing to the conversation.

However those reasons don't seem to apply to the journo OP who stared the thread.

What amazing things can a child gain at boarding school, that go over and above being able to cuddle their parents and siblings every day?

Frankly, my DD would put pretty much anything over getting to cuddle her parents and siblings every day, but that's 16 year olds for you.

I get that re a 16yo, but there’s a big difference between 9 and 16!

Exactly - the threads about a 9YO.

I get that re a 16yo, but there’s a big difference between 9 and 16!

Indeed - but boarding school is for children up to 18. If you're replying to the OP only, you can mention that.

youcantgethere what do I need to mention to the OP?? You responded to my comment and used your 16yo as an example. I still wouldn’t send a 9 year old child to boarding school. I see no good reason to, even if a 16yo seemingly wriggles away from affection, I still think they need to be with their family. Even saying that, they’re still better equipped than a 9yo for most things, including boarding. That’s just my opinion.

16yo still need cuddles just as much, its just that it is on their own terms... so when they want/need them that's what you give them. But, if they are away at boarding school they cant get them when they might need them

16yo still need cuddles just as much, its just that it is on their own terms... so when they want/need them that's what you give them. But, if they are away at boarding school they cant get them when they might need them

And I'm sure 18 year olds need them too, and absolutely should not be allowed to go to university because they might need a mummy hug one evening :-)

I think boarding school so young would teach detachment in relationships not resilience.

Yes 18 year olds do need mummy hugs and frequently come home from uni for them with their washing!

A boarding 9 year old can’t

If you no longer want to parent your child then why not.

Yes 18 year olds do need mummy hugs and frequently come home from uni for them with their washing!

16 year olds at boarding school frequently do the same.

I wouldn’t do it. I have a very close relationship with my girls and I’d miss them through the week as they would me. I’ve never had experience of boarding school so my comments aren’t probably relevant but I enjoy teaching them things, helping with homework and being part of their learning, they’d miss out on my contribution to that if they didn’t live at home. Family time is just as important as school

I went at 16 and loved it. Wish I had gone at 13 although I would have only wanted to do weekly boarding at that age. Fantastic academic opportunities, I loved the sport/art/drama/social side of school. Great pastoral care at my school. I saw my parents most weekends and spoke every day and the holidays are super long anyway.

I think 9 is a bit young TBH - mainly because the days are very long and tiring. I might try flexi-boarding with a 9 year old - that can be a great way to mix it up. Some time at school e.g. on days when have late sports or a competition or a play or whatever but time at home too.

I would also check out a few different schools and find one you think she would like and spend a night at each as part of the admissions process.

I HATED one of the schools I spent a night at and totally turned me off the school, the experience was so different compared to the school I did go to where I was really looked after.

Too young unless it’s really necessary for some good reason

The reality of day to day life as a little boarder is that she will be shoved from pillar to post, looked after by loads of different people and at night, there will be no one there who loves her. For me, it’d be a last resort.

I don't understand why people have children, then send them off to a boarding school to essentially , let strangers raise them.
There's no way I'd do this, especially during tween/teen years when parental guidance is vital.
Weird.

You don't cut all communication with your child just because they are at school!

It really isn't for everyone but at 9 it will be flexi or weekly boarding and IMO that is no worse than the reality for many children of working parents who don't see one of them at all during the week, and have a mishmash of before and after school care.

The reality of day to day life as a little boarder is that she will be shoved from pillar to post, looked after by loads of different people and at night

Have you experience of modern boarding schools?

Set ups are generally that there will be a live in house parent(s), and a live-in matron who will provide continuity of care. When the house parent(s) have a night off (like, once a week!) then the house tutor will stay over in the house.

Unless your home life is turbulent don't. My 10 year old can come into my bed for a cuddle. I'd hate them to be stuck with peers overnight. Mothering matters.