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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to consider sending my 9 yo DD to boarding school?

176 replies

BTBuzby · 06/03/2018 01:59

She is really keen to go. I need to move her out of her private school soon anyway and I think it would work well. We've read lots of books about it and looked around a few but I'm getting lots of negative comments from family and friends alike for considering it as an option.

Does anyone have any recent knowledge of boarding schools and the reality of day to day life there?

We would be grateful for any feedback. Thank you.

OP posts:
flumpybear · 06/03/2018 05:03

FWIW my DD loves Harry Potter and has said what's it like at boarding school ... I told her it's not like Harry Potter and she said oh, but didn't seem convinced (she still believes in fairies and Santa)
She now says, after this school trip, mummy I'm not going to boarding school am I?

Eeeerrrrr..... that'll be a no!

Mummyoflittledragon · 06/03/2018 05:10

No way would I send my 9 yo dd. She is mature. But she’d hate it. As others have said it sounds like an amazing adventure. The reality must be really different.

Do you have a close relationship with your dd? If you do, you would put it under a big threat. I’ve read threads before and posters, who went young have said just this.

AdidasGirl · 06/03/2018 05:10

I went to Boarding School from 11.
9 is so young.
My DC is in private school but there's just no way I could ever send them to board.
As someone else commented there is an excellent thread about experiences at Boarding School.I am many others have shared our experiences.Go take a look.

ChangingStates · 06/03/2018 05:54

I wanted to go to boarding school when I was 16, it was on the cards anyway as living overseas and parents due to relocate halfway through a-levels. I was happy about it, enjoyed choosing the right school for me and was excited about going. I would take it all back and not go if I could. Wanting to and the idea of it is nothing like the reality of being away from family and it can be very lonely. I was 16, cannot imagine it st 9, could not even contemplate sending my 10 year old to manage life without us there and could not imagine her not being with me.

Evelynismycatsformerspyname · 06/03/2018 06:13

What kind of boarding school?

Fexi boarding obviously no problem (that's just when you can essentially pay for overnights when you want, or the kid stays just say Wednesday nights because there is usually a hockey match or band practice til 7pm or something).

Weekly boarding OK if you can do it as a trial and the school is near enough to revert to a day place if she doesn't like it after all.

Full boarding no way.

I weekly boarded from 11 and loved it (my choice, I was sent as a day pupil and asked to stay at school, partly because my parents lived in the middle of nowhere where I knew nobody). However there were some very, very unhappy full boarders who had no choice, some of whom I'm still in touch with and know that they are still unhappy and bitter about it in their 40s.

Evelynismycatsformerspyname · 06/03/2018 06:19

I totally disagree about the residential trips though - we are abroad, kids go to state school, they all go on their first residential trip at age 5 or 6, depending on date of birth, with Kindergarten before they actually start school. It bonds the class really well and the kids are so much more self assured and self confident after they've managed it. One of my 3 had serious wobbles before the trip but knew he wanted to go, and Kindergarten supported him beautifully with multiple sessions to answer his funny but earnest 5 year old questions and concerns, both with me present and without. He was so proud of himself managing it and so very happy, and enjoyed the trip absolutely.

All 3 of my kids did that trip and they kids were bouncy, proud, chattering 20 to the dozen about what the done and so happy getting of the coach afterwards in all 3 classes - not one tragic sobbing, hugging I missed you mummy child in any of the classes, and those were 5 and 6 year olds!

Labradoodliedoodoo · 06/03/2018 06:23

The 9 year old won’t really grasp the he reality of moving out of home. Also if Friends and relatives who know your daughter are being negative, it would be worth listening closely

Labradoodliedoodoo · 06/03/2018 06:25

We’ve had nightmares with residentials with children aged 8 and 9. Even 10

chocatoo · 06/03/2018 06:26

I would never entrust the care of my precious child to a boarding school.

Lowdoorinthewal1 · 06/03/2018 06:29

I think Evelyn is right. The best solution would be a 3-13 prep that has flexiboarding so she can just sleep over occasionally.

At DS's school there is flexiboarding (and full boarding) from Y3. You can just book them in anytime for £30 or so. Quite a lot of kids seem to have their sleepovers in school rather than at each other's houses- which sounds much more fun for parents.. There is a positive buzz about sleeping over at school- even my very anti-boarding DS says he might sometimes want to sleep over at school when he is bigger. They have nights in the summer when they camp out in the grounds etc too.

In a school like that she could indulge in her boarding school dreams without the harsh realities.

Theresasmayshoes11 · 06/03/2018 06:43

No way on this earth would u have sent any of mine away at 15 let alone 9.

They need home influences and parenting. Why have children for other adults to parent?

My dcs aged 8 went on a residential for 2 days and they enjoyed parts of it but that was enough.

All left for uni at 18/19 and youngest dd now back packing across Oz and all are as resilient as you can be at teens, 20s and I think that’s because they had a close family bond early years.

I watched the programme about the 9 year olds going to boarding school and the home sick little girl made me cry. No no no way op.

crumpet · 06/03/2018 06:47

Flexi boarding might be an option, just for a couple of nights a week. Then see how she gets in as to whether she’d like to extend it.

rocketgirl22 · 06/03/2018 06:51

My dd was desperate to board (she goes to a boarding school and she is a day girl) she is also 9.

The novelty lasted for two weeks, and she cried every night.

Possibly she is reading stories that romanticise the experience, however the reality is very different.

I would be wary and consider 13 when she will know her own mind, she is too young to know what she is signing up for.

MarthasGinYard · 06/03/2018 07:02

As a weekly boarder?

How far is school away

Dd boards on the odd night but as it's only on the odd work clash of rosters, about once a month it's like a fun sleepover.

Would her next school be where she stays out?

DSHathawayGivesMeFannyGallops · 06/03/2018 07:04

Which books has she read? Because the more mundane parts of boarding life really don't get a look in amongst little dramas in the plot. I boarded 16 up and loved it but not every day is Enid Blyton-worthy. Some of the scenarios that make good reading aren't fun to live through. Also, does she currently share a room? Does she like her privacy or space from the school day? She won't get much respite from that. I needed the space from my classmates and to be by myself at 9, I would never have coped with a dorm or shared room or getting very little time alone.

Does she understand the separation part? My ex's 10 yo sister became a weekly boarder essentially because her mum wanted her to. She was excited and enjoyed it, but we still had to more or less catch her to take her back nearly every time and she loved to come home any chance she got. Her mum never would have sent her if she really thought she'd hate it that much- but she eventually went back to being a day girl within 2 years and didn't board again til VI form.

Lizzie48 · 06/03/2018 07:13

I went to a boarding school for girls, a convent school, as a day pupil. Most of the girls were boarders. I would have hated to be a boarder, not because I'd have missed my parents (my father was abusive) but because I was a victim of bullying there. Boarding would have meant no escape from the bullies. That's another thing to consider, how does the school handle bullying?

MarthasGinYard · 06/03/2018 07:31

'Stays put' not 'out'

Thehop · 06/03/2018 07:32

I LOVED boarding school.

Taffeta · 06/03/2018 07:35

There’s no love at boarding school. A few have great experiences, many are affected for the rest of their lives.

Read the relationships thread linked upthread.

Almahart · 06/03/2018 07:38

My sister went at ten and never got over it. This was in the eighties to a supposedly very nurturing school.

BeesAndChiscuits · 06/03/2018 07:40

I have a 12yo who boarded from 8 at a specialist music school. It has to be right for the child, but in his case it has been excellent. I miss him, but he’s there for a reason, and he’s having a fab time. It’s not like a sleepover every night: the children do need their sleep so bedtimes are set and generally they settle down quickly. But it is good having your friends around the whole time, and the school offers activities and opportunities 24/7.

I miss him, and if he could have that education on our doorstep I’d do it in a heartbeat, but I don’t regret sending him, and he doesn’t regret going there.

LagunaBubbles · 06/03/2018 07:41

I don't get why any parent would want to send their child away to boarding school. I enjoy seeing my children after work and hearing about their day. Each to their own though.

LoveProsecco · 06/03/2018 07:48

I think at 9 she is too young

Umakemefeellikedancing · 06/03/2018 07:49

If things are tough for your child at school they have always got a loving home to come home to in the evening when they've finished where they can just be themselves. Don't do it.