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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to allow my son not to invite a mean boy to his party?

356 replies

Busyworkingmumof4 · 05/03/2018 05:46

My oldest is turning 9 and normally we have only ever had family birthday parties. This year we have allowed him to have a friends birthday party for the first time.

I asked him who he wanted to invite and he listed eight names, which are all the boys from his class except one. When I asked why he did not want to invite that one boy, he said that he is mean to him all the time and gave me some examples. Given this boy's behaviour, I didn't see any reason to encourage my son to invite him.

This morning, after my son handed out the party invitations yesterday afternoon, I received an email from the class teacher telling me that to have one boy excluded from the party is "not fair" and has "created tension" and "goes against the school motto".

Should 9 year olds be expected to invite kids who are mean to them to their own parties, just to not 'create tension' in the classroom?

OP posts:
Deshasafraisy · 05/03/2018 09:25

Maybe it’s your kid that’s bullying this boy. I would have investigated further

TITANIUMPINS · 05/03/2018 09:27

@Deshasafraisy OP has called the mother

Hatethewordhun · 05/03/2018 09:28

This is ridiculous! If the boy is a bully, then his behaviour should have consequences. So what if he's the only one excluded- well he's the only one that's pushing OP's son to the ground and being mean. No way should your son invite someone that he doesn't like, it's none of the teacher's business. Instead of insisting that the boy attends the party, she should be talking to the parents and telling them why their (precious) son is not invited.

LizzieCorday · 05/03/2018 09:35

Well now your son is also a "mean boy" so I hope you're happy when he is the one excluded.

Idontdowindows · 05/03/2018 09:39

Well now your son is also a "mean boy" so I hope you're happy when he is the one excluded

Bloody hell. How is her son mean for not wanting to spend time with someone who was mean to him?

This is upside down world!

Original poster
Busyworkingmumof4 · 05/03/2018 09:40

Hatethewordhun - that is exactly how I felt at first. Why should my son get pushed to the ground by some mean boy (the tallest/biggest child in the class by the way) and then be forced to invite him to his party. But seeing everyone's reactions on the thread led me to realise that we probably should have handled it better.

LizzieCorday - I have, since posting, spoken to the boy's mum and told her the issues that my son complained about, so that we can resolve the issues with the boys together. She was very friendly and I think it will help that we have spoken.

OP posts:
Rumpledfaceskin · 05/03/2018 09:40

Hatetheworld there has been no indication that the excluded boy is a bully. A 9 year old said that he pushed him, does that really mean that a child gets labelled a bully? There is no way of knowing if the OPs son has also been ‘mean’ to him at school. The fact that he is happy to exclude this child suggests that he’s not afraid of him and in fact I would be seriously questioning which is more bullying behaviour in a 9 yo, pushing or deliberately excluding, even if it was my child. Neither are nice behaviours to be honest but I wouldn’t expect a parent to indulge one of them.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 05/03/2018 10:04

You're basically calling this child a bully. Yet you're singling him out and excluding him, which also comes under bullying.
How would you feel if this were your son, regardless of what he'd done.
You're way out of line.

treeofhearts · 05/03/2018 10:07

I would just email back saying there are only 8 spaces and these boys are his friends. He hasn't invited any of the girls so it's not the whole class except 1 boy Ffs.

Lovemusic33 · 05/03/2018 10:19

I wish people would read OP’s posts (the whole thread) before posting. She has spoken to the boys mum and is trying to resolve the problem. I think she has done what she can to include the boy, maybe after his mum has spoken to him he might start treating OP’s son better.

If it was my child hitting someone then I would want to know and I would probably tell the child the reason why he’s not invited is because he has hurt another child.

People pussy foot around children too much these days. My dc’s have autism but I no point would I use their sn’s as an excuse to hit other people, do you think when they are adults and the assault someone they will be let off because they have autism or adhd? No they won’t.

OP, you have done the right thing by speaking to the boys mum, I don’t see why your son should be made to invite him unless he stops picking on him and oppolagises.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 05/03/2018 10:29

I wish people would read OP’s posts (the whole thread) before posting. Yes! It would make following progress in threads easier, wouldn't it Smile

invitroveritas · 05/03/2018 10:32

A birthday party of any kind is about celebration and togetherness. If you aren't nice to people you don't get invited to them, and for people to coerce you into inviting an unkind boy is just making it worse.

Let DS enjoy his day without having to look over his shoulder for the next shove.

upsideup · 05/03/2018 10:33

Its not setting a very good example to kids to think they can be nasty little bullies and still get invited to the parties of the kids they bully, it wont happen in a few years they will be lonely and disliked. Its best if they get excluded now so they have time to realise its not fun being left out and not having any friends and can improve their behaviour.
No way will I ever force my children to invite someone who has bullied them anywhere.

IntoTheFloodAgain · 05/03/2018 10:39

There’s no guarantee OPs son would have told her before this at all. I was bullied in primary school, and all the way to year 9.

My mum only found out when the bullying became a problem outside of school (in year 9). Whilst it was in school, I didn’t want to tell her as I didn’t want to then be bullied for being a tattletale either.

If it transpires that this boy is infact bullying your son OP, or even if he has just been ‘mean’ for some time, no way would I invite him. But you’re going the right way about it by finding out more information.

It might also be worth asking the teacher if the school is aware of such behaviour also.

LagunaBubbles · 05/03/2018 10:44

Victim blaming. What nonsense. One can be a victim and a perpetrator. Life isn’t black and white

I have no idea whether OPs son is being bullied or not but there has been victim blaming on some posts here. No wonder children can end up feeling suicidal when they are bullied if it is implied its their own fault.

SadieHH · 05/03/2018 11:00

Glad the call to the mother went well. If my child was exluded from a party and the reason was because she was bullying the birthday child, I’d be mortified. I wouldn’t be complaining because my child had been left out, I’d be finding out what the hell my child was playing at. I’d hope that most parents would do the same.

Willow2017 · 05/03/2018 11:12

Yet you're singling him out and excluding him, which also comes under bullying.
How would you feel if this were your son, regardless of what he'd done.
You're way out of line.

You are kidding?
I was 'out of line' not inviting my sons bully to any of his parties and i was 'bullying him'?

Get a grip, the worlds gone mad.

Nobody is entitled to go to anyone elses party if they make thier lives miserable in any way shape or form at school (or anywhere else)

Booboobooboo84 · 05/03/2018 11:19

The fact the son doesn’t tell his mum anything about school is telling. I wouldn’t be surprised if the child just complained to the teacher and the teacher has acted on that. And the child hasn’t told the parent because he will have to explain his behaviour has resulted in being left out.

Leilaniiii · 05/03/2018 11:19

No. You were right. I believe you should invite 3 or less children to a party or the whole class. Nothing in between. Unless one of those children has been bullying your child, in which case you should bloody well leave them out. Let them experience feeling bad, like your child has.

Stand firm, OP.

KERALA1 · 05/03/2018 11:27

"Excluded" is quite a powerful word. That conjures up a child alone in a playground. Choosing who to invite to your social event is different and is entirely up to and at the discretion of the host. You can in those circumstances "exclude" ie not invite, whoever you want. There is no obligation to invite or not invite anyone to your hosted events its up to the host's whim. That is how life works and kids need to learn that, and they need to learn resilience when they are not invited on occasion.

Teachers wading in and parents throwing words around like "bullying" and "exclusion" are OTT and unhelpful.

looliloo · 05/03/2018 11:30

No you were right not invite him!! If the boy is mean to your son why on earth would he/ want him at the party?!
Yes he's probably upset but he's been upsetting your son so tough shit.

BitOutOfPractice · 05/03/2018 11:46

I strongly suspect that the boy will have a very different version of events for his mom. He's highly unlikely to say "yes mom, I've been bullying Busy Jnr and being mean to him" is he? I'm not sure what outcome you're hoping for

Downtheroadfirstonleft · 05/03/2018 12:06

It's not nice for the 1 uninvited boy, but it would be even worse to make your son invite someone who is actively mean to him.

The school needs to be fair on its own premises, at your home, it is your rules. Do what is best for your child (esp on his blinking birthday!).

Mummyofweeboys · 05/03/2018 12:16

This to be sounds like two wrongs don’t make a right and it’s not teaching your child to be the better person. To exclude one child only is cruel and not a great life lesson to teach you’re child and I applaud the school for contacting you about this.

Mummyofweeboys · 05/03/2018 12:18

Sorry predictive text taking over , your not you’re