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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Disinvited from partner’s friend’s wedding

335 replies

RParr · 04/03/2018 16:09

My DP and I have been together for a little under a year now, and pretty much live together. I met a close friend of his in August, who invited me to his wedding. He then extended the invitation via text again in December.
When the invite arrived, it listed my partner only. DP didn’t mention this until two weeks later during my birthday trip when I started talking about how excited I was to go. He said he had asked the guy and he had said “Oh, we’re short on numbers, but she can come to the evening do if she likes.”
I thought about it and decided that i won’t go to the evening event if I am not invited to the day event, especially as the evening invite was only extended once my DP asked why I hadn’t been invited.
I am the only long-term partner who has been excluded from the wedding. There was no forewarning that I was disinvited - it just happened.
Because of this, we’ve had a couple of arguments. I was peeved that DP didn’t mention it to me until the topic of conversation came up, irritated that DP didn’t seem to be all that bothered, and to an extent I am upset that he is going when his friend has been so incredibly rude.
I’ve managed to keep quiet about it lately, but last night we were out with some friends and one of them asked if I was excited about the wedding. It then became the topic of conversation for the night as they all sat around and said how rude he and his partner have been in doing this. I wanted to drop it, as the topic upsets me, but I did eventually cry after we left and told my partner that I was still upset, and that I couldn’t understand how he was happy with going to a wedding where his friend had disinvited me with no explanation.
He said he’s not happy about it, but can’t do anything about it. I feel like I am potentially being hard work here, but I did say that had I been in his position I would have politely declined, but that now that we’re three weeks away from his friend’s big day it would look horrendous if he were to decline now.
Sorry for the babble, but I guess I’m wondering if I am being unreasonable for declining the evening invite that was only extended after DP asked his friend about the disinvite, and AIBU for feeling slighted?
I’ve never been in this position, so I can’t get my head around why I feel so hurt.

OP posts:
MaidenMotherCrone · 04/03/2018 18:41

I stand corrected and retract my 'random' comment. Apologies OpThanks

BackToBaileys · 04/03/2018 18:45

Agree with aero. They should have said more about cocking up numbers and should have said "but we'd love her to come to the evening.." instead of just hoping no one would notice. One day the OP might actually turn out to be a long term (as in years) partner/wife so it's good to be on good terms.

honeyroar · 04/03/2018 19:18

A university friend did this to my ex when I'd been living with him three months and we'd been together 18 months. It was really awkward. It was because it was a small venue. My ex was very upset,ve specially because my previous ex was invited without his girlfriend too (should've rang alarm bells for me really!). The bride and groom said he could be on "standby" if someone dropped out, but I ended up declining because it was a long way away and both of us would've had to take two days off work as we work weekends. Unfortunately the friendship between me and the bride never recovered, she never replied to any cards, texts or letters ever again. Twenty years on part of me still thinks it was poor of the couple, part of me thinks I should've just sucked it up. But people generally want to be at a wedding with their partner, and that particular bride was joined at the hip to her groom throughout their early days and wouldn't have been happy if someone had done it to her. I learned from it and made sure I included everyone's boyfriends and girlfriends at our wedding (we only had an evening do).

Anyway, back to this situation. You can either sulk, make your boyfriend refuse and upset his friends (and him probably), you can sulk and not go at all and have a bit of an atmosphere when you see them, or you can get yourself dressed up and go and actually enjoy yourself at the fun part of the wedding and have everyone see what a happy, fun person you are. It wasn't handled well but be the bigger person.

Aeroflotgirl · 04/03/2018 19:22

Quite frankly, in ops position, I would not go to the evening do, because the half hearted invite came after my partner said something, it did not come from them. I would feel awkward and out of place there due to this. Op have a nice time on your own, and stuff the rude couple, my feelings would change towards them after that, and would I would be cooler.

Tippz · 04/03/2018 19:27

@RParr

Of COURSE YANBU.

Doesn't matter that you have only been with your partner for a year. You were fucking invited! So ignore the people saying 'get a grip' and suchlike.

No idea what to suggest sorry, but I would be very very hurt.

Really, I think your partner should say 'well I will only come to the night do as well then...' Coz that is what I would do if my partner was dis-invited. And although a year isn't a HUGE amount of time, it's still a fair amount of time to be together. Some people are living together (and sometimes pregnant!) in that time!

Aeroflotgirl · 04/03/2018 19:28

Oh, we’re short on numbers, but she can come to the evening do if she likes because of that, I just would not go, it seems very luke warm and half hearted, very rude couple, and why did your partner wait a few weeks before telling you, because you mentioned how exited you were. I would not be pleased. However I would not begrudge my partner going, its his friend, but things would be a bit cooler between me and the couple after that.

Tippz · 04/03/2018 19:32

And the cynic in me thinks they haven't 'cocked up the numbers...'

For some reason they have just decided they don't want you there now. (At the ceremony...)

I would be wondering why. And I would want to find out. Ask your partner why you have been dis-invited. I bet he knows.

Aeroflotgirl · 04/03/2018 19:36

At the ceremony and sit down meal, speeches bit too Tippz

Aeroflotgirl · 04/03/2018 19:43

If it was a cock up with the numbers, you would have been invited to the evening bit, which you weren't. It certainly sounds like they changed their, mind and did not want you there. Did anything happen between you?

Dungeondragon15 · 04/03/2018 19:50

I understand how you feel as I was in a similar position many years ago although DH were living together and had been a couple for three years. I didn't think it was because they didn't like me as they also didn't invite another friends partner but I felt it was a reflection of how they saw our relationship i.e. not that serious because we weren't married (they did invite married couples). I didn't fall out with DH about it but if I think about it I still feel a bit miffed (25 years later!) and it has affected how I view this couple. I think that they were very rude.

BackforGood · 04/03/2018 19:50

When planing a wedding if you invite a guest you usually add a partner or +1

Maybe you do LoubeyLou, but many folk would rather not have to exclude actual friends in order to accommodate people they don't know well / people they don't really have a strong, long term relationship with.

Aeroflotgirl · 04/03/2018 19:52

Then you don't invite op twice, then exclude her on the actual invite, very rude!

Tippz · 04/03/2018 19:52

Oh cheers for that @aeroflotgirl Smile

Yeah, not just me who thinks it's a bit off then.

I would definitely be wanting more answers from my partner.

And yeah a year IS a decent amount of time to be together. And the OP DOES have a right to be miffed and upset at being invited (TWICE,) and then dis-invited, without being told she is hysterical, irrational, and precious, and that she needs to 'get a grip.'

So rude and mean. Hmm

McTufty · 04/03/2018 19:57

My suggestion OP if you decide not to go to the evening is not to be snippy about it but equally don’t go too far making up a good excuse. Just say you can’t make it. I expect the B&G are feeling a little embarrassed right now, especially given your boyfriend is a close friend of the groom.

cupoftea84 · 04/03/2018 19:57

There was a time I might have sympathised with you, being messed about etc. However having recently arranged a wedding I guess they're just having to adjust the guest list a bit. Please don't take it personally. When some of our guests suffered a bereavement close to the day we invited some of the evening guests to the day at last minute. They weren't at all offended. We'd have liked everyone at the whole thing but had to limit numbers. The same thing had happened to me at someone else's wedding. Be happy for them, go to the evening, join in and spend time with your partners friends, over time you'll become closer.

Tippz · 04/03/2018 20:00

Re what @dungeonandragon said, sometimes it IS more about how they view your relationship. If they had been together 'only' a year but had been married, you can bet the OP would have not been dis-invited.

Some people still don't take relationships where the couple are not married, as seriously as ones where they ARE married. I know a couple of women who lost their partners (to cancer,) after 10-12 years of marriage, and they got several weeks off, (compassionate leave and sick time,) a bunch of cards and gifts, and lots of fuss and attention.

I also know 2 women who were NOT married to their partners, (12-15 years together,) and their partners died (one in a car crash,) and they were not even allowed compassionate leave, and no-one made a collection for them or even got a card.

I fact, in the case of one of the men, the ex wife (who he was only married to for 7 years,) seemed to get more sympathy.

Rightly or wrongly, many people will not take your relationship so seriously if you are not married, even if you have been together 20 years!

SleepingInNewYork · 04/03/2018 20:03

Gosh the OP has had a tough time on here.

Relationship length and status is irrelevant, you were invited twice and then not even apologised to that numbers or something else meant that your invite was retracted. So YANBU to be upset or hurt by that.

TheC · 04/03/2018 20:04

and mention how sad you were you could not share in such a joyful day but you hoped that those who were there would truly appreciate the honour of the invite

If someone wrote that on a note I’d just think they were a passive aggressive twat and not “never forget how kind they were”

ItsuAddict · 04/03/2018 20:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Aeroflotgirl · 04/03/2018 20:08

I agree Itsu, shocking that somebody has that attitude, there are many reasons why people might not marry, its nobodies business, but theirs. I just find the couple in the op rude, sorry they are. I planned a wedding myself, and would never treat somebody like that. I would know who I verbally or invited through text, and follow that up with an invitation, depsite numbers. If I was short on numbers, I would keep schtum. No apology on their part, just disinvited, very rude.

PaperRockMissile · 04/03/2018 20:12

I would have been horrified

Oh come on. Horrified? Really? It's just a wedding. No one died.

AthenasOwl · 04/03/2018 20:12

Why are you arsed about going to the wedding of someone you've only met once?
I do think you're being unreasonable.
If it was me I'd be relived at not having to go.
It was a bit odd inviting you but it was probably spur of the moment and not having thought it through.
FWIW I wouldn't class anyone I'd been with less than a year as being a long term partner.

rocketgirl22 · 04/03/2018 20:12

Oh god op, this is what you need to do:

Accept graciously the evening invite. Let all thoughts drop about how pissed off you are. Just simply say to dp you are very happy to be invited.

Spend all day in the hairdressers, beauty salon, but the most beautiful dress you can find (not in white, neutral or anything offensive) but simply sensational and arrive with style and elegance. By then most guests will be weary with all the daytime drinking, and you can arrive with new energy and life. Your dp will be thrilled to see you, be your most gracious self. Congratulate the beautiful bride and groom, join in with the spirit of the occasion and show your dp just what a very lovely and wonderful LTP you are......

Do NOT be the sour puss pissing on the parade.

Aeroflotgirl · 04/03/2018 20:16

Athenas, she has not met them once, she sees the couple regularly!

SharronNeedles · 04/03/2018 20:17

Spend all day in the hairdressers, beauty salon, but the most beautiful dress you can find (not in white, neutral or anything offensive) but simply sensational and arrive with style and elegance. By then most guests will be weary with all the daytime drinking, and you can arrive with new energy and life. Your dp will be thrilled to see you, be your most gracious self. Congratulate the beautiful bride and groom, join in with the spirit of the occasion and show your dp just what a very lovely and wonderful LTP you are......

This!

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