Disinvited from partner’s friend’s wedding

[RParr]

My DP and I have been together for a little under a year now, and pretty much live together. I met a close friend of his in August, who invited me to his wedding. He then extended the invitation via text again in December.
When the invite arrived, it listed my partner only. DP didn’t mention this until two weeks later during my birthday trip when I started talking about how excited I was to go. He said he had asked the guy and he had said “Oh, we’re short on numbers, but she can come to the evening do if she likes.”
I thought about it and decided that i won’t go to the evening event if I am not invited to the day event, especially as the evening invite was only extended once my DP asked why I hadn’t been invited.
I am the only long-term partner who has been excluded from the wedding. There was no forewarning that I was disinvited - it just happened.
Because of this, we’ve had a couple of arguments. I was peeved that DP didn’t mention it to me until the topic of conversation came up, irritated that DP didn’t seem to be all that bothered, and to an extent I am upset that he is going when his friend has been so incredibly rude.
I’ve managed to keep quiet about it lately, but last night we were out with some friends and one of them asked if I was excited about the wedding. It then became the topic of conversation for the night as they all sat around and said how rude he and his partner have been in doing this. I wanted to drop it, as the topic upsets me, but I did eventually cry after we left and told my partner that I was still upset, and that I couldn’t understand how he was happy with going to a wedding where his friend had disinvited me with no explanation.
He said he’s not happy about it, but can’t do anything about it. I feel like I am potentially being hard work here, but I did say that had I been in his position I would have politely declined, but that now that we’re three weeks away from his friend’s big day it would look horrendous if he were to decline now.
Sorry for the babble, but I guess I’m wondering if I am being unreasonable for declining the evening invite that was only extended after DP asked his friend about the disinvite, and AIBU for feeling slighted?
I’ve never been in this position, so I can’t get my head around why I feel so hurt.

There is a difference between serious and long term. Also I don't think anybody said

TheC - No. No it hasn't. Not in my opinion, not like this. It was a lot wittier and more joshing than the unintelligent baying for blood from some posters that seems to be par for the course now.

I've been here for years and some of the responses on this thread are inexcusably nasty. I don't care whether I'm agreed with or not.

Whether or not it’s serious is surely more relevant than whether it’s long term.

Great response OP, good luck whatever you decide to do

Nice response, @RParr

Same happened to me and my then boyfriend (now hubby). We don't actually see that couple any more as we don't live near them so, no harm done.

Equally, I did not want people I barely new who had short term relationships with my friends at my wedding and in photos that were going to be my memory of our wedding.

The inviting and uninviting was rude and clumsy but leave it be and have a great day. If you thing the B&G will become good friends in the future then have a relaxing day and then get glammed up to go to the evening do - your OH will be pleased and you can have some fun

Yes,under a year was specifically applied as a benchmark of not being serious
So is 1yr + 1day serious?is that in the relationship calculus handbook

Really? So many people think its okay to invite someone to a wedding and then uninvite them? Fuck sake

Going to the evening do might be a good way to meet people he knows or get to know them better?

Not going will just make his friends have doubts about you I think.

I'm with you RParr , I knew after 3 months that my relationship was long-term and serious but from the distance of 30 years I now realise his parents most people didn't. I would have been hurt like you are because I luffs a wedding.
I would not attend the evening do (hate them)
I would not give DP grief - not his fault and he will not see what a big deal it is.
I would buy an amazingly thoughtful gift that was far too appropriate and amazing for DP to think of. I would attach a really heartfelt message about how I hoped their marriage would be forever and supported by friends old and new etc. and mention how sad you were you could not share in such a joyful day but you hoped that those who were there would truly appreciate the honour of the invite . The bride will never forget how kind you were and will wish she invited you instead of her parents next door neighbour who ruined the photos or newphew Neil who vomited on the dance floor...
but then I am a passive aggressive type
And don't forget to not invite them to your ceremony in a year or two!

Once you've organised a wedding, you'll get it!

How very patronising of you.

How many people did you invite verbally & confirm by text, then not actually include on the formal invitation?

Did you invite all your Uni friends other halves except one?

...no? Then it’s nothing like the OP’s situation. It’s the thoughtless way they ‘disinvited’ her that’s upset her. Unsurprisingly so.

Sorry, I am so nasty I shock myself!

@TwitterQueen1 thank you for the explanation. I've just been down a hilarious rabbit hole.

I will also add that my husband would decline the invitation if I was excluded.

This is response to the above comment in general and not OPs situation

All of this is context sensitive - but I think that there are circumstances where it is a bit pathetic for a husband to decline and invitation just because his wife isn't inivited. For example, that's a bit extreme in a situation where the partner doesn't know either of the couple at all and has never met them.

Weddings are expensive and it's a bit much to assume that you get an invite to an event at others expense when usually numbers are tight.

It's a sad feature of modern life that once you get married, individuals seem to lose the capacity to socialise on their own at all!

Why should people you don't know and don't give a fuck about invite you to their wedding and have to pay for all comers? Why should someone who is their friend or colleague refuse to go because a stranger to them hasn't been invited?

I don't know what it is about weddings but it makes some people lose a grip on rationality and the actual cost of a wedding breakfast.

Wow @Crunched

It's just a wedding 🤔

It's just a wedding

Yes - I think some women in the dating stage (again not about OP here) over react to non-wedding invites because they see a wedding a symbolic indicator of (a) their own relationship status; (b) a massively romantic opportunity and (c) a place notorious for hook ups with lots of women their bf hasn't met before.

They interpret the non-invite as = "bf doesn't want me there" = "relationship is not serious/he doesn't value me/isn't fighting my corner".

It's not a greenhouse I'd throw stones in as I've been there too - but when you are in the zone of hurt, it's hard to be rational about it.

Any poster who has referred to the OP as a "random" - you're spiteful. Stop it.

OP I'd have hurt feelings too. You were invited, you felt included and accepted by your dp's friends and now you feel downgraded and excluded. I do agree with others though that it was probably misplaced but genuine bonhomie on the part of the groom, and he probably isn't the one doing the horrific planning and budgeting and making the awful decisions about who gets cut.

I wouldn't go to the evening do, but I wouldn't be pointed about it. Explain to your dp why you felt so hurt about it, give him your blessing to go on his own and try to move past it - these people didn't mean to hurt you, and they may be in your life for a long time to come. Lots of people look back and cringe about the things they did/said when they were deep in wedding-planning hell.

lipstick I must have missed that. However no, I wouldn't consider just over a year long term either. Serious is a different matter.
...
If someone gets engaged after a month that is serious but not yet long term. If someone is married after one month, the intention is long term by the process of taking legal steps to ensure that. But if not married the only way to measure its 'long termness' is through the passage of time. I'm afraid for myself, and obviously others, a year obviously doesn't cut the 'long termness' test. I fully appreciate that will not be true for others but it is a perfectly legitimate stance. Same as the 'no ring, no bring' which would see a short relationship with a proposal invited over a 20 year relationship with no intention of marrying.

YANBU to be upset about your DO's handling of this. Although I am confused ;if you are pretty much living together why you didn't spot the invite or ask about them wedding when you met up?

I have told pretty much anyone who will listen what a ball ache wedding numbers are. I have met my DP's friends other halves once or twice at work parties and like them all but a part of me still wants them to have something better to do so I can invite the rest of my actual friends.
It's a tough call.

The random comment was from me and no I'm not being spiteful. Strangers at weddings are random people. The Op has met the groom once and the bride not at all.

You've had a rough time on here... You've met both b&g, invited to a wedding which would of cemented your 'acceptance' by his friends as his serious gf, then had it ripped away from you and your bf didnt even have the good grace to tell you himself unprompted... Yes I'd feel degraded and embarassed... its a mean thing to do and i genuinely feel for you...

Causing a scene would be undignified and make future functions awkward... I'd probably decline the invite due to 'sunning myself on a weekend away with my good friends... and sorry bf... no you weren't invited xxx

I would be upset too. When planing a wedding if you invite a guest you usually add a partner or +1 . One of my best friends brought his new girlfriend to our wedding, as their relationship didn't last it was the only time I met her. We were limited on numbers but I would never invite someone solo

It's probably a case of the groom inviting anyone and everyone and the bride doing the realism of numbers that's all. They no doubt like you very much but if it were me and numbers were tight I would drop off the girlfriend (who I barely knew/not yet officially serious with engagement/not yet long term) in favour of a closer friend or relative.

Inviting you to the evening just means they like you but numbers were too tight to justify a non close friend/relative.

It's the inviting, then recalling it, which was rude. Beat if they had not said anything at all. At my wedding I had +1s that I never even met beforehand. I just felt it rude not to invite my friend relative and not their partner. If I had invited that person twice, I woukd jiggle my numbers and fit that person in, Noway would I have done what your partners friend did.

However I would convey my annoyance to him, but leave it there, go do something nice that day, let him sort out gifts and cards, after all it's his friend, not mine!

Or I would have contacted my friend and said, "oh sorry, we made a hash with the numbers and we can't have RP to the full day, but we would like her to come to the evening bit, which starts at 8pm, or something. Not do what they did, and hope nobody would notice, very rude. Op might end up with her partner for a long time, so they want to be on good terms.

No Maiden, op has said she met groom quite a few times.

Op has said she met both of them a fair number of times.