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AIBU?

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Original poster

Niece(15) is saying my DS is Trans!?

497 replies

upsideup · 04/03/2018 11:25

My 15 year old niece added me on facebook this morning, she doesnt live in the UK and is comming to stay with us in a few weeks and as I havent seen her for almost a year I had a quick look down her facebook page just to see what she looked like now and what she was up to and about 2 weeks ago she posted a short video on trans children which I havnt actually watched because I was too annoyed by the comment she had posted with is basically saying:
'Aww my cousin is transgender (MTF) and she is the most beautiful, loved and accepted little girl, she's lucky that she has such a good family around her but not all children are so lucky, so many transgender children are ignored and not listened to and so are not able to be who they truly are.... I will fight anyone who tries to suggest that my cousin is anything less than a girl. It was much longer than that but thats the general message and the most relevant things. There's almost 20 comments from her friends saying how lucky she (my son) is to have an amazing accepting cousin like her and how great it is that she(my son) is able to be herself (himself).

Now we have had the 'is he trans?' 'are you sure he isnt trans?' comments from family members before but have always just said no, hes fine, we have dealt with it, he just likes pink, he just wants long hair etc and thought that had been accepted and dropped. Hes not transgender, hes a 4 year boy that has blond shoulder length hair who likes wearing anything sparkly or glittery and playing makeup/dolls/dressing up with his big sisters. We have also added an 'y' to the end of his name because he wanted to but this doesnt even make it a 'girls' name it just makes it a cuter nickname for his boys name and he was the only one out of his siblings whose name didnt end it 'y' anyway but shes used this to imply we are letting him live as a girl.

I am furious that she thinks she can talk about my son publicly online like this without my permission and that what she is saying is all lies, I dont know whether its just cool to have a transgender family member and it just gives you attention and makes you popular around your friends or what.

WIBU to comment on the post saying actually he is a boy and I dont know why you would need to lie about him? Or am I going to have to be an adult and either ignore this or try and deal with it privately throught her parents? Either way If she comes and stays I am not having her call my son things that he doesnt actually want to be called.

OP posts:

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 04/03/2018 13:49

@Crochetbelle, I take it you're referring to this post from the OP on another thread. I don't think you've read it properly. The OP is saying exactly what I would have said in similar circumstances. A 4yo is not capable of understanding what it means if they say they want to be the opposite sex. They are getting signals from friends and family that their likes and dislikes, behaviour etc etc aren't typical for their sex and that makes them think there is something wrong with them, which to the simple mind of a young child could be fixed by becoming the opposite sex. The appropriate response for the parent is exactly what the OP has said. Boys and girls can play with whatever they like and dress how they like. It doesn't make them not a boy/girl.

Adults understand, or should do, that labelling a child as transgender and putting them on track to a lifetime of medication and surgery is something that should be vanishingly rare, if it happens at all.

Having a child who has told me time and time again that he wants to be a girl, this is heartbreaking. I have family and friends calling him trans and judging me for not taking him seriously (He's 4!). He doesnt want to be a girl, he doesnt want to have periods, a vagina, ovaries, give birth etc he doesnt even know about those things all he wants is to have long hair, wear pink and glittery clothes and play with dolls which is all he has to answer with when I ask him why he wants to be a girl.
With adults it is different but when a child is saying they want to be the sex opposite to their own they do not understand what they are saying. Of course let you child wear and play with what they want, you can even make their name feminine/masculine and call them he/she but they dont need to be subjected to physical irreversable harm that could potentially be for nothing. I was born female and I didnt have any breasts untill I paid for a boob job as an adult, a child does not need breasts to be happy.

JamPasty · 04/03/2018 13:50

I would avoid dealing with this angrily (although I would, like you, be absolutely fuming!!). Can you tackle it in a confused isn't-this-all-jolly kinda way? something like:

"DN, I'm confused, you can't be talking about my boy surely? He says he loves being a boy - a boy who likes pink sparkly things! Isn't it great that times are less prescriptive these days and that's ok! Otherwise I'm in a right pickle, I'm wearing trousers and did some DIY this morning, gosh does that mean I can't be a woman? Best tell DH ASAP! ha ha, smiley face"

And then go punch some pillows.

SimonBridges · 04/03/2018 13:52

Silly girl. It makes me glad that Facebook didn’t exist when I was a bloody stupid 15 year old and shit like this just stayed in my head.

CapnHaddock · 04/03/2018 13:53

But it's not surprising he thinks he wants to be a girl if he's being told that he's not allowed the things he likes because he's a boy.

We need to expand the bandwidth of what male is, not put a little boy into a girl box because he likes glitter and Frozen

iBiscuit · 04/03/2018 13:57

It makes me glad that Facebook didn’t exist when I was a bloody stupid 15 year old and shit like this just stayed in my head.

Or expressed through fucking terrible poetry, and badges

CrochetBelle · 04/03/2018 13:57

@Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g

From the OP

Having a child who has told me time and time again that he wants to be a girl

... means the OPs son has commented that he wants to be a girl, yes?

And from me...

I completely agree with what the OP says on this link, but if this is the comments that the niece is overhearing, or being included in discussion about, she must feel very, very confused, which is why I was questioning if OP knew if she was aware of the comments the boy had supposedly made of his own gender identity.

Billben · 04/03/2018 13:57

It's up to each individual but maybe cut his hair and don't let him wear pink glittery clothes, DS is 4 he needs guidance from parents still that boys wear this girls wear that"

🙄🤯🤬

NeedsAsockamnesty · 04/03/2018 14:09

I don’t think belle has misunderstood, the op has a lot of people in her life attempting to label her son as trans chances are the 15yo has been hearing this

maxthemartian · 04/03/2018 14:10

It's up to each individual but maybe cut his hair and don't let him wear pink glittery clothes, DS is 4 he needs guidance from parents still that boys wear this girls wear that

And that, right there, is why trans ideology exists. Like the wrong clothes? You must have been born in the wrong body!

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 04/03/2018 14:10

OK, sorry if I jumped to a wrong conclusion about what CrochetBelle thought. This whole issue makes the red mist descend for me!

Idontdowindows · 04/03/2018 14:12

Is she aware that your son is continuously telling you he wants to be a girl?

At that age I was telling my parents I wanted to be a steam engine. Kids say stupid shit all the time.

GeekyWombat · 04/03/2018 14:16

This is just mind boggling. Hopefully your DH can get the post removed. I’d definitely be rethinking having her to stay.

x2boys · 04/03/2018 14:16

Quite windows , the story goes that when my dad was about three he got very upset when Santa brought his sister a toy pram and he got a cow boy outfit he was so upset his dad bought him one on boxing day my dad didn't want to be a girl he just wanted his sister's toys .

CrochetBelle · 04/03/2018 14:17

0OK, sorry if I jumped to a wrong conclusion about what CrochetBelle thought. This whole issue makes the red mist descend for me!

Thank you for your half-apology. I can confirm you did jump to the wrong conclusion.

It seems many don't bother reading properly on both sides of this 'issue'.

GeekyWombat · 04/03/2018 14:17

I genuinely worry that if I’d grown up today I’d have been pigeonholed into being trans when I was just a tomboyish girl whose favourite colour was blue and couldn’t be arsed with having long hair.

He’s four FGS.

NoFuckingRoomOnMyBroom · 04/03/2018 14:18

Perhaps the confusion on crochet posting is due to the fact she didn't immediately link to the thread she was reffering to-I certainly thought 'don't remember OP saying DS wanted to be a girl...'
As for the utter bullshit about cutting his hair & stopping the pink & glitter? What a ridiculous notion, children can play with any toy, prefer whatever colours they like & shock horror, have whatever length hair they want without it reflecting on gender.

wrenika · 04/03/2018 14:18

I wouldn't go crazy on this. She's 15 years old and I think the sentiment is coming from a good place. Unless she is clearly mentioning your DS in it, I'd turn a blind eye. It's not malicious. Thinking back to being 15, I'm glad I didn't have social media because 15 year olds have some strong ideas. It's the sort of age where you're forming your own opinions and starting to explore.

I'd take it as an opportunity to discuss the value of not conforming to gender stereotypes - I can't see her hating on that. You're not that far apart in terms of opinions...you both believe he should be able to be whatever he wants. She's just a bit over zealous.

Whether or not you chose to cancel her visit is another matter. I think it's a bit harsh and will have serious consequences to your relationship. I think it's a little immature a reaction too. If you cancel her visit/block her/etc, you are sending a very clear message. How do you ever come back from that? I think you really need to think about that. Unless you really think she has malicious intentions that means she deserves to be ostracised by her aunt and uncle, then I wouldn't cancel on her. If my aunt and uncle blocked me and cancelled my visit, I wouldn't know how to ever come back from that...she can't talk to you anymore, she can't see you, she knows she isn't wanted. That's a hell of a consequence for a teenage mistake.

prettybird · 04/03/2018 14:19

I think it was the Good Housekeeping that did an article on a Christian American woman ( her emphasis on her religion) that "finally let" her 4 year old transition from male to female. But when you read the article, it was because she was more concerned about people perceiving her child as "gay" than just letting him/her dress the way he/she wanted to

swivelchair · 04/03/2018 14:19

Is she aware that your son is continuously telling you he wants to be a girl?

Apologies CrochetBelle - in my defense until the previous post was shared, you did look a bit weird though, just saying this stuff.

I think OP makes it clear in that post though, that she knows that there's a difference between a boy saying he wants to be a girl because from his point of view they can do cool stuff (just like a kid wanting to be a cat or a dog), and a boy who actually wants to be a girl - and at 4, there's no way a child could actually know that - they just don't know what that means.

KatharinaRosalie · 04/03/2018 14:24

How about 'Oh DN, I didn't even know one of your 3 cousins were trans, they do not present that feminine, do they?'

RedMambo · 04/03/2018 14:27

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BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 04/03/2018 14:28

If people are going to quote the OP from other threads, it would be really useful if they made it clear that that is what they are doing

Idontdowindows · 04/03/2018 14:28

There are none so sexist as those pushing the trans agenda.

It is based on nothing more than 1950s sex based stereotypes.

RedMambo, you are a danger to children.

DullAndOld · 04/03/2018 14:29

REd Mambo people like you are dangerous. and no , before you start . I am not a 'TERF bigot' I just wonder what the agenda is here. because frankly suggesting a ten year old take 'puberty blockers' maybe even without their parents knowing, is what I would describe as 'child abuse'

RedMambo · 04/03/2018 14:32

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