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Original poster

Niece(15) is saying my DS is Trans!?

497 replies

upsideup · 04/03/2018 11:25

My 15 year old niece added me on facebook this morning, she doesnt live in the UK and is comming to stay with us in a few weeks and as I havent seen her for almost a year I had a quick look down her facebook page just to see what she looked like now and what she was up to and about 2 weeks ago she posted a short video on trans children which I havnt actually watched because I was too annoyed by the comment she had posted with is basically saying:
'Aww my cousin is transgender (MTF) and she is the most beautiful, loved and accepted little girl, she's lucky that she has such a good family around her but not all children are so lucky, so many transgender children are ignored and not listened to and so are not able to be who they truly are.... I will fight anyone who tries to suggest that my cousin is anything less than a girl. It was much longer than that but thats the general message and the most relevant things. There's almost 20 comments from her friends saying how lucky she (my son) is to have an amazing accepting cousin like her and how great it is that she(my son) is able to be herself (himself).

Now we have had the 'is he trans?' 'are you sure he isnt trans?' comments from family members before but have always just said no, hes fine, we have dealt with it, he just likes pink, he just wants long hair etc and thought that had been accepted and dropped. Hes not transgender, hes a 4 year boy that has blond shoulder length hair who likes wearing anything sparkly or glittery and playing makeup/dolls/dressing up with his big sisters. We have also added an 'y' to the end of his name because he wanted to but this doesnt even make it a 'girls' name it just makes it a cuter nickname for his boys name and he was the only one out of his siblings whose name didnt end it 'y' anyway but shes used this to imply we are letting him live as a girl.

I am furious that she thinks she can talk about my son publicly online like this without my permission and that what she is saying is all lies, I dont know whether its just cool to have a transgender family member and it just gives you attention and makes you popular around your friends or what.

WIBU to comment on the post saying actually he is a boy and I dont know why you would need to lie about him? Or am I going to have to be an adult and either ignore this or try and deal with it privately throught her parents? Either way If she comes and stays I am not having her call my son things that he doesnt actually want to be called.

OP posts:
Lweji · 04/03/2018 19:26

Ok, just an odd turn of phrase.

FrancisCrawford · 04/03/2018 19:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Italiangreyhound · 04/03/2018 19:30

Ps cancelling the visit is not as a punishment to the teenager. I don't think she meant harm. But if her views are so entrenched I'd be worried about them affecting ds. I'd personally made up an excuse to cancel and deal with Facebook separately.

The FB post won't necessarily affect the 4 year old. The visit may well do. My priority would be the child not what others thought. As I am sure is OP's thought.

I'd maybe say it is not a good time right now.

I think the teen might have had good intentions but these could still harmfully push the 4 year old along a pathway.

noeffingidea · 04/03/2018 19:31

Pengggwn what's confusing about a little boy with long hair and a name with 'y' at the end? In what way is that an odd set up?
I knew an adult male who was often called Chrissy, funny enough everyone managed not to get confused or think he secretly wanted to be female. Luckily he didn't have long hair, though neither did a lot of girls/women in those days.

TheRagingGirl · 04/03/2018 19:38

Gender non-confirming children should be protected

Gender non-conforming children should be encouraged. Hell, any gender non-conforming person should be encouraged.

We should all be gender non-conforming. Gender is an oppressive social construct used to discipline & police both males & females into conservative damaging boxes.

Your DN thinks she's being 'right on' and progressive. Instead, she's conforming to one of the most oppressive & conservative systems in which we live.

When she stays with you, give her a good course in feminism.

Tinycitrus · 04/03/2018 19:44

All children are gender non conforming given the bloody chance. That’s part of being a child.

Original poster
upsideup · 04/03/2018 19:45

But I have to be honest: I think the niece will remain confused. I don't know how many 4 year old boys - without any influence from anyone else - want to add letters to their name or specifically to have long hair. The niece will probably think - however wrongly - that the whole set-up is a bit odd.

The main reason he wanted his name to be 'X'y is because his 3 siblings all had names ending in i/ie/y. It doesnt make it a 'girls' name because it doesnt actually make it a real name its just a nickname basically like Joshy or Benny. I didnt need to mention the name changing thing in my OP tbh because its not that relevant.
My older ds was insistent from about 2 that he had his hair shaved very short because it annoyed him and he hated it when it would grow out any longer, DS2 doesnt like short hair because he says its prickly or spikey and he likes it longer so he can touch and play with it.
I have a 3, 8 and 10 year old who can accept both of those things, i dont think either are outside of a 15 year olds understanding and should leave her confused.

OP posts:
CapnHaddock · 04/03/2018 19:52

Let me think: Archie, Alfie, Benjy, Charlie, Danny, Eddie, Freddie, Harry, Larry, Marley ...

and that's just off the top of my head. Someone ought to tell some Meghan Markle her fiance is likely to be trans with a girly name like that Hmm

If the teen cancels, then good. Sounds like you/your partner's siblings were going to dump way too many kids on you anyway this summer. One less is no bad thing

CapnHaddock · 04/03/2018 19:53

I don't think there are some Meghan Markle. Honest

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 04/03/2018 19:59

But I have to be honest: I think the niece will remain confused. I don't know how many 4 year old boys - without any influence from anyone else - want to add letters to their name or specifically to have long hair. The niece will probably think - however wrongly - that the whole set-up is a bit odd.

Really?!? Do you know any 4 year old boys?

I have a 4 year old boy. He has a very popular name with an almost universal shortening. Let’s pretend it is Frederick. (It isn’t.)

We generally called him Frederick expecting that when he went to school he would become Fred. Occasionally we called him Fred, sometimes Freddie, sometime “Freddie Frou”, “Freddie Fish” and sometimes other random names like “little lad”, “m’laddo” and “my lovely boy”.

About a year ago he announced his name was “Freder”. And he wanted to be called Freder. We have never ever called him Freder. It never occurred to us that anyone would call a child called Frederick “Freder”. We don’t like Freder as a name.

But that is what he has determinedly chosen so that is what we call him and what we ask other people to call him.

At a similar age dd stopped wanting to be called by her cute baby nickname and insisted on being called by her (very lovely) real name.

ArcheryAnnie · 04/03/2018 20:00

"I don't know how many 4 year old boys - without any influence from anyone else - want to ... specifically to have long hair"

Mine did. Still does. It's not in the slightest bit unusual.

(Though I'd add that the idea that any child - or any adult - is able to make decisions about themselves completely divorced from all outside influence is nonsensical.)

titchy · 04/03/2018 20:03

I don't know how many 4 year old boys - without any influence from anyone else - want to add letters to their n

Really? Confused Where do you live - the 1930s?

Original poster
upsideup · 04/03/2018 20:03

The facebook post has been deleted!

OP posts:
Itscurtainsforyou · 04/03/2018 20:04

Well that's a good start! Have you heard from any of them?

Pengggwn · 04/03/2018 20:06

I'm not going to get into a row about it. I've said what I think.

TheRagingGirl · 04/03/2018 20:07

Those questioning boys with long hair need to study a bit of history, or go to an art gallery.

Men &boys have always had long hair - it has historically been seen as a mark of virility (think Samson!) and being well-to-do. Short/shaven hair traditionally has been the mark of a convict or a labouring man (practical, longhair gets in the way of manual work).

And shock, horror! Aristocratic men historically have also worn make up, and had long nails, worn high heels, and dresses.

thanksjaneshusbandatcaresouth · 04/03/2018 20:18

Well done OP

Stormwhale · 04/03/2018 20:19

So glad they are doing the right thing. Have you heard anything directly from them?

Original poster
upsideup · 04/03/2018 20:20

We havent heard anything from them yet, DH will ring in the morning if we dont tonight though.

OP posts:
thanksjaneshusbandatcaresouth · 04/03/2018 20:21

At least now you can start with a thank you.

FrancisCrawford · 04/03/2018 20:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FrancisCrawford · 04/03/2018 20:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

slithytove · 04/03/2018 20:29

Yes I have a Zachary who is currently insistent he is only called Zach.
His friend is Jacob who prefers Jakey.

Not trans.

slithytove · 04/03/2018 20:29

Both 4 btw.

frieda909 · 04/03/2018 20:30

And then there is the whole matter of “outing”.at 15 she is more than old enough to know that inmatters of sexuality it is up to the individual when they chose to tell people. Up till then it is their business.

Yes, exactly this. Whether or not your son is actually transgender, that Facebook post could be really harmful. If any of her Facebook friends (some of whom she may not even know very well) come across your son in years to come, they might remember him as ‘X’s trans cousin’ when that might turn out to be something that either isn’t true, or something that your son chooses to keep private.

I’m glad to hear she’s deleted it and I hope she understands why she was asked to do so.

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