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AIBU?

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Original poster

Niece(15) is saying my DS is Trans!?

497 replies

upsideup · 04/03/2018 11:25

My 15 year old niece added me on facebook this morning, she doesnt live in the UK and is comming to stay with us in a few weeks and as I havent seen her for almost a year I had a quick look down her facebook page just to see what she looked like now and what she was up to and about 2 weeks ago she posted a short video on trans children which I havnt actually watched because I was too annoyed by the comment she had posted with is basically saying:
'Aww my cousin is transgender (MTF) and she is the most beautiful, loved and accepted little girl, she's lucky that she has such a good family around her but not all children are so lucky, so many transgender children are ignored and not listened to and so are not able to be who they truly are.... I will fight anyone who tries to suggest that my cousin is anything less than a girl. It was much longer than that but thats the general message and the most relevant things. There's almost 20 comments from her friends saying how lucky she (my son) is to have an amazing accepting cousin like her and how great it is that she(my son) is able to be herself (himself).

Now we have had the 'is he trans?' 'are you sure he isnt trans?' comments from family members before but have always just said no, hes fine, we have dealt with it, he just likes pink, he just wants long hair etc and thought that had been accepted and dropped. Hes not transgender, hes a 4 year boy that has blond shoulder length hair who likes wearing anything sparkly or glittery and playing makeup/dolls/dressing up with his big sisters. We have also added an 'y' to the end of his name because he wanted to but this doesnt even make it a 'girls' name it just makes it a cuter nickname for his boys name and he was the only one out of his siblings whose name didnt end it 'y' anyway but shes used this to imply we are letting him live as a girl.

I am furious that she thinks she can talk about my son publicly online like this without my permission and that what she is saying is all lies, I dont know whether its just cool to have a transgender family member and it just gives you attention and makes you popular around your friends or what.

WIBU to comment on the post saying actually he is a boy and I dont know why you would need to lie about him? Or am I going to have to be an adult and either ignore this or try and deal with it privately throught her parents? Either way If she comes and stays I am not having her call my son things that he doesnt actually want to be called.

OP posts:
TheRagingGirl · 04/03/2018 18:28

WIBU to comment on the post saying actually he is a boy and I dont know why you would need to lie about him? Or am I going to have to be an adult and either ignore this or try and deal with it privately throught her parents? Either way If she comes and stays I am not having her call my son things that he doesnt actually want to be called.

YANBU to be furious about the grandstanding & virtue-signalling of your niece.

Although she is only 15!

But please don't fire back via FAB. Talk to her and to her parents. Tell her in no uncertain terms she is out of order on all the counts you give in your OP - but don't do it via FaceAche pease! Do it in person or on the phone ...

Pengggwn · 04/03/2018 18:31

Mummyoflittledragon

Or Chris (Chrisy), Sam (Samy), Jack (Jacky)?

Anyway, the OP didn't say - as far as I can see - that the new name isn't traditionally female, she said it isn't a 'girls' name. For some people, particularly those of a certain ideological persuasion, nothing is a 'girls' name, nothing is 'for' girls or 'for' boys. And I have no problem with that. But for a 15 year old who is trying to be supportive of her little cousin, it could be confusing.

Theresasmayshoes11 · 04/03/2018 18:35

Agree don’t fire back on fb and of course she’s not a bad girl but at 15 she needs to learn some internet safety rules and have some commen sense.

Pengggwn · 04/03/2018 18:39

I also think a grown adult replying with a Facebook message shooting down a 15 year old for trying to be nice (however far she missed the mark) would look like a bully. If it was my daughter and my sister or SIL responded angrily and publicly to my child's good intentions, it would be 'delete and block' from us. Phone her or do nothing.

CadyHeron · 04/03/2018 18:43

If a family gives their son a girl's name and long hair, people are going to speculate. That is just how it is.

Nobody in their right mind is going to see a little boy with longer hair and automatically insist he must be trans even though the parents have repeatedly said he's not.
OP says he has a nickname, not an actual female name. I think you need to RTFT a little mor.e

Pengggwn · 04/03/2018 18:45

CadyHeron

I didn't say insist. I said speculate. The girl is 15. She might not have a rounded and proportionate idea of what it means to have gender dysphoria. That isn't her fault.

SimonBridges · 04/03/2018 18:47

For some people, particularly those of a certain ideological persuasion, nothing is a 'girls' name, nothing is 'for' girls or 'for' boys.

I don't think you would find anyone who would argue that there are no gendered names.
I will argue until I'm blue in the face that there are no boys or girls toys. I would love to go back to the time when most children's clothing was fairly gender neutral - I grew up in cords, jumpers and kicker boots for example.
However there are gendered names. No girl is ever going to be called Dave or Trevor and no boy is ever going to be called Jessica or Sophia.
All trans people will change their names to one that matches their chosen gender. So it's not the ideology of the trans community you are talking about there.

Names are gendered - some are gender neutral though.

Like a poster up thread I used to teach a boy who was very slight and had long hair. He had a gender neutral name.
About once a week other staff would assume he was a girl. Often other boys would complain that there was a girl in the boys toilets.

Pengggwn · 04/03/2018 18:49

SimonBridges

I don't think you would find anyone who would argue that there are no gendered names

I think I might find people who would argue names should be gender-neutral, and would be inclined to call a child something like 'Chrissy' and insist it isn't a 'girls' name.

But we can agree to disagree.

Original poster
upsideup · 04/03/2018 18:55

We sent an email almost an hour ago, not expecting a reply yet as obviously they are going see it, talk to her and reply, post is still up though.
It was not comming with good intentions, it was to get her attention, to make her look trendy and popular. Who exactly was she trying to be nice to? Even if my son was trans he doesnt go on social media and he cant read. If she wanted to be nice to him she could phone and talk to him, if she was confused or concerned she could of asked us, not just posted lies about him online without our permission.
I'm not saying she is horrible person and that she can't learn from this but what she did wasnt nice.
I didnt comment on social media and I wasnt going to comment anything aggressive or threatening, I was just going to say that my son is a boy and hes not transgender which I dont see how that makes me a bully? If someone posts untrue stuff about my children which could potentially have a negative impact on them I am allowed to defend them.

OP posts:
Pengggwn · 04/03/2018 18:56

Upside, you can do what you want. The rest of the world doesn't have to think it's well-judged.

sleepyhead · 04/03/2018 18:57

"Did you just assume the gender of ds based on the colour of his trainers and the length of his hair? Not cool dn. Not cool. #checkyourgenderconformistpriviledge"

CadyHeron · 04/03/2018 18:59

I see you've e-mailed - I'd be ringing up, things can be misconstrued via the written word and make it clear that he's not trans and could she please take it down.

RebootYourEngine · 04/03/2018 19:01

I would have commented 'he is 4 years old and just being a child, there is nothing more to it'

thanksjaneshusbandatcaresouth · 04/03/2018 19:04

Agree that frieda’s Suggestions are good.

I guess that as she is only 15you do need to go through the parents.

Can you ask Facebook to remove the thread for privacy reasons?

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 04/03/2018 19:04

Pengggwn I agree she’s 15 and likely wasn’t thinking past posting a right on message on Facebook.

But, she’s 15. At some point, she need to know she has done something that people object to, and why. Pussy footing around her will do no one any good.

OP I think you’ve taken good actions so far but I would call as well. I don’t check emails unless I’m expecting something, so they may never see it. Make a list of what you want to say so you don’t get distracted, because I can guarantee BIL will immediately be on the defensive.

I also disagree that adding a Y makes a more feminine sounding name - maybe for a teen or an adult but for a 4 year old anything goes!

windchimesabotage · 04/03/2018 19:04

I wouldnt comment on the post personally as it wont come across well and itll be a bunch of 15 year olds you are trying to talk to.
Id speak to her parents and get them to have a word with her.
She should not have done that but she was probably just showing off to her friends.

Pengggwn · 04/03/2018 19:09

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira

No, wouldn't pussyfoot round anything. I'd just explain (privately) that he isn't trans, he just likes pink and long hair.

But I have to be honest: I think the niece will remain confused. I don't know how many 4 year old boys - without any influence from anyone else - want to add letters to their name or specifically to have long hair. The niece will probably think - however wrongly - that the whole set-up is a bit odd.

Stormwhale · 04/03/2018 19:11

I hope for your sake this doesn't cause a rift in the family, as I would be concerned about how bil will react. People are sometimes odd when their child has done something wrong. They may not react in the way you expect.

I completely agree that dn was way out of order and clearly attention seeking. I just hope bil will be on your side instead of his daughters.

Italiangreyhound · 04/03/2018 19:13

Urbannightmare "... it really doesn't sound like she meant any harm, the reactions are a bit hysterical - banning her from coming because she'll be a detriment to your son's health!!!"

I think this kind of of trans agenda is potentially very damaging to the health of gender non-confirming children.

Gender non-confirming children should be protected.

I absolutely would not have anyone to stay who would attempt to to reinforce a false identity on my young child.

It's not hysterical to see this as harmful, it is naive not to recognise this phenomenon, IMHO.

Just as I would expect parents/friends to protect adult gay children/friends etc from homophobes, or adult genuinely trans individuals from transphobes.

Children as young as four need time to develop their own sense of self, which can be crushed by people trying to pigeon hole them.

Lweji · 04/03/2018 19:13

Why hope for the OP's sake?

Stormwhale · 04/03/2018 19:14

Peng its not really any of her business though is it, whether she is confused or not? Its certainly not her place to post about it online! I think the best lesson she could learn is to just post things about herself and not about other people without their (or their responsible adult's) consent.

Stormwhale · 04/03/2018 19:15

Lweji so she doesn't have to deal with the stress of people acting like dickheads when she is in the right.

Lweji · 04/03/2018 19:19

Shouldn't they be worried about how the OP and her husband react?

Or are you suggesting the OP and her DH should have kept quiet just in case they reacted badly?

GoodyMog · 04/03/2018 19:24

"I don't know how many 4 year old boys - without any influence from anyone else - want to add letters to their name or specifically to have long hair"

The name is a nickname the family have given to the boy, this isn't unusual.

And my kids, way before the age of 4, were incredibly vocal about how they like their hair. As are many of their school mates. This is also clearly not unusual.

You are reading a lot more into this than is there.

Stormwhale · 04/03/2018 19:24

Hell no lweji. It needed challenging. As I stated, the dns behaviour is unacceptable. I just meant that I hope the op doesn't end up with a load of shit from bil and sil, as sometimes people are weird when it comes to their children. People sometimes don't like to heat their child has done wrong. Tbh lweji, it is clear from my posts that I didn't think the op should shut up and put up, so I think you are reading into things that aren't there.

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