Niece(15) is saying my DS is Trans!?

[upsideup]

My 15 year old niece added me on facebook this morning, she doesnt live in the UK and is comming to stay with us in a few weeks and as I havent seen her for almost a year I had a quick look down her facebook page just to see what she looked like now and what she was up to and about 2 weeks ago she posted a short video on trans children which I havnt actually watched because I was too annoyed by the comment she had posted with is basically saying:
'Aww my cousin is transgender (MTF) and she is the most beautiful, loved and accepted little girl, she's lucky that she has such a good family around her but not all children are so lucky, so many transgender children are ignored and not listened to and so are not able to be who they truly are.... I will fight anyone who tries to suggest that my cousin is anything less than a girl. It was much longer than that but thats the general message and the most relevant things. There's almost 20 comments from her friends saying how lucky she (my son) is to have an amazing accepting cousin like her and how great it is that she(my son) is able to be herself (himself).

Now we have had the 'is he trans?' 'are you sure he isnt trans?' comments from family members before but have always just said no, hes fine, we have dealt with it, he just likes pink, he just wants long hair etc and thought that had been accepted and dropped. Hes not transgender, hes a 4 year boy that has blond shoulder length hair who likes wearing anything sparkly or glittery and playing makeup/dolls/dressing up with his big sisters. We have also added an 'y' to the end of his name because he wanted to but this doesnt even make it a 'girls' name it just makes it a cuter nickname for his boys name and he was the only one out of his siblings whose name didnt end it 'y' anyway but shes used this to imply we are letting him live as a girl.

I am furious that she thinks she can talk about my son publicly online like this without my permission and that what she is saying is all lies, I dont know whether its just cool to have a transgender family member and it just gives you attention and makes you popular around your friends or what.

WIBU to comment on the post saying actually he is a boy and I dont know why you would need to lie about him? Or am I going to have to be an adult and either ignore this or try and deal with it privately throught her parents? Either way If she comes and stays I am not having her call my son things that he doesnt actually want to be called.

I think most uk 15 year olds would know that they shouldn’t be posting things like this about s child though or posting anything about a child without permission.

She sounds very immature and her parents need to talk to her very seriously about internet safety as she could put herself and your ds at risk here.

I think she’s just a 15 year old girl though probably looking for approval etc

Don’t be too hard on her.

If it helps - I have a DD who does not ‘conform’ to gender stereotypes and neither do quite a few of her female friends. They are sporty kids, go not like dolls /makeup/sparkles and have spent the last few days hanging out with the boys trying to snowboard down the steep hill on our street

It angers me that some people could suggest this behaviour is a symptom of gender dysphoria.

It angers me that the perfectly normal development of identity - exploring different identity roles etc - is being pathologised and medicalised.

Why can’t we adults just give kids a break and just let them bloody well get on with it instead of trying to suggest they are ‘transgender’ because they enjoy sparkles, like their hair long or like getting muddy playing football.

My 4yo repeatedly screamed and cried saying she was a boy/wanted to be a boy over the course of a few months - we were utterly bemused and kept telling her boys and girls could do all the same things, which she just would not accept.

I assume our deleted friend would have had her removed from us because we didn't instantly change her name and her pronouns.

We did eventually get to the bottom of the upset. She was potty training and wanted to wee standing up instead of having to go to all the bother of putting the potty seat on the toilet.

But yeah, let's assume that 3-4yo's have any concept of gender/sex/trans

"We put them in contact with lawyers to get their parnets removed as medical guardians and make sure they go to NHS doctors."

This is why people need to understand what is going on and stand up against it.

This is no longer a fight for a very confused, unhappy group of men who believe they are really women, trapped in the body of men.

This is an extremely well-funded group of very powerful men (George Soros is one of the funders of trans charities) who are intent on ensuring that their version of reality becomes orthodoxy and those who challenge it or refuse to comply with it, become pariahs at worst and irrelevant and marginalised at best.

This has the potential to have an impact on any of us in the future. At the moment in the UK, social workers are not yet taking any interest in gender non-conforming children whose parents do not promote the nonsense that because little Jonny likes Barbie and tiaras, he actually needs to be called little Jenny from now on and be lined up to have hormone therapy and have his penis inverted; but in future, if we don't resist this, there may well be cases where parents who fail to validate their children's transgender status, will be treated as abusive and have their children taken into care.

For those of you who say that's an hysterical, catastrophic viewpoint, it's already creeping in. May I also remind you that when we said that men with penises would be allowed to use women's changing rooms, toilets, hospital wards, etc., we were also told that we were being apocalyptic and exaggerating. And yet we were right and it's happening now.

It's not too difficult to see the way the wind is blowing on this. Luckily for me, my children are both too old to be taken into care, but I might have grandchildren in future, who play with the "wrong" toys for their sex and treated with hormones and surgery to ensure their bodies fit their playing preferences.

It's really important that everyone who gives even a small little shit about children, oppose this sexist ideology.

I think she’s just a 15 year old girl though probably looking for approval etc, don’t be too hard on her.

If that's the case, why didn't she say she was Trans for those precious social media Likes, instead of diagnosing and publicly sticking a false label on a 4year old boy? I'd be livid in your position, OP.

I know but we all talk nonsense in our teens. Unfortunately today’s teens have social media

You know, I don’t give a shit about Arthur deciding he’s Martha. Go for it. Take the 20% pay cut, try for promotion when you’re pregnant, enjoy the menopause. Whatever.

But it really angers me that this ideology is being imposed on children who are just trying to make sense of the world.

This is the one with the CF parents who are leaving their entire brood with you so they can bugger off elsewhere? You offered, and are now regretting it?

This is your get-out.

I normally steer well clear of trans threads on here, but even as someone who is generally very supportive of trans people I think your niece needs a few things explaining to her. She’s only young and I think her heart is probably in the right place, but I think she needs to be told that:

• it’s not OK to label someone else as ‘trans’ (adult or female) when they haven’t actually identified themselves as such, especially not a very young child who is still learning who they are and exploring the world

• it’s not OK to ‘out’ someone else as trans, especially not a small child who has absolutely no say in the matter!

• it’s not OK to share sensitive information about someone else’s children on Facebook without their permission

I know other people have much stronger views on the matter, but regardless of your feelings about transgender issues I think all of the above is very important for your niece to learn.

I disagree that at 15 she's not responsible for what she puts online. If she's not responsible for what she puts online, then she's not mature enough to be online.

She's being silly and thoughtless, and is trying to make herself more interesting to her peers and jumping on the bandwagon, potentially at the expense of her cousin - that stuff is going to be in the web forever.

She needs to be told off (which is what a child faces when they do something seriously thoughtless and wrong, isn't it?) and as she's as old as she is, then she should know better so needs to be told off strongly.

I've never heard anything so ridiculous. He's 4. FOUR. Even if he says he's a girl, he's 4! He might say he's an astronaut tomorrow or a dinosaur next week, doesn't actually mean he's a dinosaur or an astronaut.

At four DS2 had long curly blonde hair and in his gender neutral school uniform of trousers and polo top made a very pretty little girl. He also happens to have a name that is used by both sexes.

He was forever coming home telling us that teachers of other classes, TAs and visiting student teachers had misgendered him. He thought it was quite funny, as did the rest of his class, and sometimes they would all play along and have a little chuckle at the student's expense or whatever.

What I'm trying to say is that I don't think that most little kids give gender a lot of headspace really. They are very accepting that boys and girls can go outside gender stereotypes. I think there was only ever one little boy (with a very macho Dad) and one very old fashioned teacher who commented negatively about DS's hair.

I'm gender-critical (as the briefest look at my posting history will show), but I think talking to this teenager in the tumblr language she understand may well be the way to start on this, rather than leaping straight into the "gender is a harmful social contruct and you are being sexist and homophobic by pushing it" path. (That can come later!) With this in mind, I think some of frieda's points are a good opening:

- it’s not OK to label someone else as ‘trans’ when they haven’t actually identified themselves as such, especially not a very young child who is still learning who they are and exploring the world

- it’s not OK to ‘out’ someone else as trans, especially not a small child who has absolutely no say in the matter

- it’s not OK to share sensitive information about someone else’s children on Facebook without their permission

Athough I think point one could probably could come with a short lecture on how sexist and gender-essentiallist she is being to assume someone who likes sparkles and long hair must be female.

I used to say I wished I was a boy because my brother got cool stuff like K'nex and I got barbies

Me too!

I'm so glad for all the sanity on mumsnet.

At 2, 3 and 4 I wanted to be a boy periodically. This was largely because I had no sisters, but did have brothers. Luckily my oarents were pretty amused by this (in the 60s) and would call me what name I told them I was that day. I generally wore my brothers' cast offs anyway so clothing wasn't a problem. In my head, on boy days I didn't have waist-length blonde hair but short brown hair. I had several boy's names that I used on boy days and heaven protect my mum if she got my name wrong!

I am a heterosexula female. Always was, always will be. I can still see the massive advantages boys have over girls/men over women. I'd rather like to have been a boy.

I have never ever been trans.

OP, I am sure that your boy will be fine if stupid people don't interfere.

What @frieda909 said!

Sounds like you've got it all under control OP, you and your DH sound like great parents. I can understand just wanting to get the post deleted because facebook spats never end well, but I also think this could be an opportunity for a teaching moment for your DN and her friends! Maybe by saying something like "DN, are you talking about DS? He's still very much a four-year-old boy, just one who likes long hair, pink and sparkles Isn't it great that people aren't so narrow-minded about gender stereotypes these days and boys and girls can enjoy whatever colours and toys they like! Just as well really, if liking blue / cars / gardening (delete as applicable) was only for men I'd have to go transgender too, ha ha."

She is old enough to have thought this through and using a four-year-old cousin to virtue signal is incredibly annoying - but on the bright side, she is TRYING to be nice! But she and her friends could probably do with having an adult point out that labelling a child transgender for the reasons you've listed is actually extremely old-fashioned and bigoted!

I had no sisters either, just an older brother who had cool star wars toys, I wanted to do the things he was doing and play with the same toys, I used to hang around with him and his friends (when I was 8 or 9), wore grubby clothes as I was always muddy, played army games and climbed trees. I never wanted to be a boy though, I also had Barbies but I would cut their hair off and give them piercings and tattoos, I had poly pocket and keepers and loved ponies. I still rarely wear a dress, don’t wear make up very often and never wear heals, I still love mud but I am 100% not trans.

So glad that you and your husband are confident and caring. It's utter madness that some people would call a four year old transgender

The world needs more boys like your son! Go him is all I can say.... and the sooner that other kids realise its fine and dandy (and fun!) to be a boy and like pink sparkly things etc, the better!

And yup, he'll experiment with being a unicorn - and a dog - and a grumpy teenager - and a thousand other things on his way to being a gorgeous healthy adult!

I really think some people are being absolute twats about this girl. She is 15. She is trying to say something positive. She is wrong, and she is intrusive, but it is very unlikely she has thought what she has said through on that level, and she needs a clear and gentle correction. Plus, if you don't want people to think your child might be 'trans', you could try being more private about his life and not changing his name to a traditionally female one. What else is his 15 year old cousin who lives in another country going to think?

Ridiculous.

Plus, if you don't want people to think your child might be 'trans', you could try being more private about his life and not changing his name to a traditionally female one.

OP has said he's not trans, repeatedly. To family. Why on earth would they think he was just because he has long hair and not a butch name?
It's the family and their ridiculous notions and their trying to label that's the problem here, not OP.

CadyHeron

If a family gives their son a girl's name and long hair, people are going to speculate. That is just how it is. A 15 year old could get the wrong end of the stick very easily. It isn't her fault, it's just a mistake. She doesn't need to be hauled over the coals, just corrected.

Have your in laws responded to email?

This is obviously something you've had to deal with for a while, so I can imagine family talking on social media platforms is annoying

Pengggwyn
I think you need to reread the op before steaming in. The y has been added but doesn’t make it a traditionally female name. Eg Rick(y), Tom(my), Nick(y) etc.

No I had 5 15 year olds and all of them would know to post things like this about s child was wrong.

She’s not mature enough to be online and if she was my dd she would get s massive telling off. She’s 15 not 8