To feel sad I’ve never married or had children

[Weddingwishes]

I am moving house and emptying drawers that haven’t been emptied for years () and looking at photographs from friends weddings around ten years ago. Somehow in a flash you’re not young any more and it feels like I’ve lost an opportunity I didn’t know was there.
P

Well yes pork but most hobbies can’t be done all weekend.

You do sound nice, OP!

Do you have a sense of why you've never been lucky with relationships? Is it a confidence issue? I'm dreadful at relationships myself so can empathise on this point.

I think it is confidence. However, so many people who lack confidence have had partners so I’m not sure it’s just that.

I was 40 when I met my DH. I was 45 when I had my only baby. I didn't think either was going to happen.

I enjoy walking so if I had the time I’d do that for one day.

"I think it is harder for women. My uncle never married because he loved a woman unrequitedly. He was able take solace in nature. Somehow a solitary woman is more frowned on/expected to take an “auntie” role of some kind."

Actually my experience is that it's easier for women, because (as a generalisation - there are many exceptions) they can fit into their friends' family lives more easily, and are brought up to be better at running a house etc. My single female friends and I generally seem happier than my single male friends.

And even finding something to fill a morning or afternoon would be something. And you’d meet people to socialise with at other times.

Walk for a whole day every weekend, with no one to talk to?

Not being a GF, but would you really?

This thread is pretty much bingo for annoying and insensitive platitudes for single and/or childless women.

I agree. There have been some really appalling comments. I know it's AIBU but there's no need to kick someone when they're feeling so down.

You aren't too old to have children, but you will be fairly soon, so if it is what you want I think that you need to focus on that, and there are no guarantees of course. Reaching 50 or so where you really do have no choices at all is different from being 40. However, I think the concerns you have about being alone are spot on, and it speaks volumes about you as a person, all positive. I wouldn't say don't do it, but yes, it is a risk, and means you'd have to build a rock solid support network full of non-family people who you love.

But the fact that you don't meet men IS a problem. Are you trapped on an island full of women, with no boats, and no men know where you are and so never come and visit or something?

In relation to meeting a man, you do have some things on your side. The first is that you are single believe it or not. People who have married the wrong person, had children, and so have a very full life, would find it harder jump into bed or go on romantic getaways or fall into an amazing romance, whereas you could! The second is your maturity and the fact that you now know yourself. I can tell you, you could fall in love at the most random of moments, get to know someone, one day your eyes lock and that is it

No I’d meet with a walking group 😂
I do like to walk alone for a few hours though when I can. That’s just me though - you need to find something you enjoy.

Me, I was an only child, and my parents were not close to their families, except for the one surviving grandparent who died when I was 17.

My parents died within a year of each other when I was 35, 36.

I was also ill and was very isolated, my closest friend had her own problems and chose this time to distance herself from me. I did continue to work full time, which took a lot of time and energy.

DH told me that he was in love with me on my 40th birthday. I had always wanted a family and so we got married within a few months. I had DS when I was 43 and DD eventually when I was 47. We were certainly very lucky though I had miscarriages along the way.

I have a number of friends who have made a first marriage or first long term relationship later in life although not always having children. I have one friend who married in her 30s, struggled with fertility and went on to adopt, very happily I understand. I have another friend who adopted as a single person and went on to find love as the children grew to young adulthood.

I guess that what I have learnt is that you never know what life has to offer and not to give up hope of something new, something about being open to new possibilities. Very, very hard to do though in the moment.

Good luck

It is hard being on your own when it seems like everyone around you is happy in a relationship and with families of their own. I always felt like an outsider to life. Everyone else knew how to do it while I was bored and alone. It was crap! My weekends then sound similar to how you break your days down.

I didn't wake up one day and have an epiphany but it dawn on me over time that nobody but me could make me happy and steer the direction of my life. I started making little changes, starting to contact friends more, not turn down invitations to anything, made my home cosy, etc. I also started going to fitness classes a couple of times per week and made friends there. For a long time it was the highlight of my week and gave me something to look forward to. It took time but I relaxed became happy with me. Five years later, I'm happy and settled. I met my DP three years ago but I know if we split up I could be happy on my own again.

Anyone can be lonely, even when you're in a relationship. YOU have to be the person to make the change. I did consider counselling at one point. Is it something you'd consider?

So OP, what do you think you can do to improve your life from here onwards? Do you think it's possible to have an enjoyable fulfilling life without marriage and kids? Bearing in mind that doesn't mean you can't find a great relationship with someone and have the joy of children in your life by being close to and an auntie figure to your friends' kids, volunteering with children if that's your thing. How do you want your life to look if you remove marriage and your own kids from the frame?

One thing I find useful is to sit down and go through this www.div12.org/wp-content/uploads/2015/06/Valued-Living-Questionnaire.pdf

It's a questionnaire about your values, what's important to you, and how in line with your values your actions are. If you value something deeply yet you dont prioritise it in your life, or you act incongruently with your values, you'll feel very unfulfilled and low.

So have a think about how important to you those areas are, and whether you're acting in line with your own values. Do you feel that having a relationship is important to you, but you're not doing much to work towards it? Perhaps friendship is important to you but you're social life is stale and boring to you now. Maybe you don't really feel work and a career is too important to you beyond a wage but the majority of your time is spent on it etc.

Decide how important each value is to you and how satisfied you are with that area of your life at the moment. And then get to work on the areas where there's a big gulf between the two.

Decide on a few realistic achievable goals for those areas and plan out the steps you need to take to get there. And then get cracking.

It'll give you a sense of control over your life and hope for the future breaking out of this rumination and wallowing/defeatism. And I often find doing this helps me remember that there is a lot more to life than just the one or two areas I'm fixated on.

You won't feel differently until you start to act differently. Maybe this is a framework you can use to give yourself that kick and make some positive changes for the better?

I think I would OP, but I am a bit of a loner.

I am a little envious of people describing you as the sunshine.

I get lonely but am an introvert.

OP- I totally understand what you mean about not wanting to have a child with a sperm donor in your situation, I see your point of view. But I think I’d probably be more selfish though and do it for me - it is a hard one. I have tons of regrets about other things though - if I could turn back the clock I would not do things the same again at all. Hindsight and all that

Thinking about the man thing..I may get shot down for this but...ime focusing on "meeting someone" can be really demoralising ( online dating is real needle in haystack territory).
So, maybe just focus on having a bit of fun Take the pressure off, accept that you may not meet Mr Right at the moment and distract yourself with Mr Right Now.
I found when I used to date, and I was desperate for another child, I would meet someone who I thought had potential and stop dating...it wouldn't work out...I would force myself back onto the merry go round..it was too intense.
After a while I just decided I wasn't going to meet " the one" I was just going to grow a little black book of men for fun dates, and if I added someone, I still kept dating.
It was a bit of a logistical nightmare, but I actually met some nice men, but there was no pressure because if one melted away I still had a couple of others on the go.
Mainly it was an excellent distraction from loneliness and a realisation that I had been really over thinking it all.
I never managed to have another child (medical issues) but I did eventually meet Mr Right ( not online) and I wasn't in any hurry to give up my black book for him-he had to work quite hard to get me to settle down!

I’d rather do the coast to coast walk or create a garden than do a Zumba class full of local mums.

god, there's always one
My sister teaches a zumba class and her typical class includes: retired ladies, students who are home that week, a few men, one bodybuilder guy!, and any age group basically! She puts photos of her classes on social media, you can see how wide the appeal is.

Anyway, I didn't order the OP to do zumba, just giving examples of things she could do depending on what's on offer and what she likes.

I like running and spend a few weekends travelling to various places for races and competitions, but it takes too much time when you have kids. If you want to be away every weekend, plenty of hobbies will make you do just that.

Love the idea of a walking group!

PS sorry if I missed it but have you been assessed for or diagnosed with depression OP?

What you say about the weekends stretching out and struggling to make it through the chunks of time really resonated with me as it's exactly how I feel when I have my depression recurrent periods. I literally dread the days off because I know every minute will feel like an hour and no matter what I do I just feel like it's not enough to keep running away from the big black hole that comes when you've exhausted yourself of things to do and finally have no option but to sit with yourself, alone.

No need to be nasty to me Caroline.

I think single men are more included in mixed socialising. It is the women in couples who are more unsettled by odd numbers, or the presence of an unattached man.

No cheerleading "you can do it!" Or advice from me OP, just some sympathy and a virtual hand-hold.

Life is sometimes really, really shit, and it doesn't turn out how we'd hoped, and suddenly decades have gone by. Sometimes I think all we can do is survive and keep going.

I hope you feel a bit better about things soon though, there's always something to keep us going. Personally I live for nice blankets, tea, films, music, days out to places I like - that sort of thing.

As in the confidence to maybe ask someone out?

I met my now OH through friends, not online.

When I was single and “looking” I went out as much as possible and actively tried to meet different people. I did Rock Choir, Meetup.com, a writing group, group holidays, citysocialising.co.uk. I also accepted any invites thrown my way, from existing friends, newer friends at work, friends of friends. I also got a few dates from Twitter

Also when I met my OH I had a really good feeling about him. I would never normally ask someone out but I did as I kind of thought, what’s the worst that can happen?!

I appreciate some of the things above you can only do if you have a bit of cash, and my outgoings on socialising were quite high at this point in my life. However there is nothing stopping you putting yourself a bit out of your comfort zone if you want to. You may still not meet The One but you will have fun anyway. Apologies if this sounds like one of those patronising posts from people who have never actually been single but I really think the only cure to loneliness is to expand your social circle and have as many new experiences as possible.

And I have always felt that it is better to be on my own than in a bad relationship...