To feel sad I’ve never married or had children

[Weddingwishes]

I am moving house and emptying drawers that haven’t been emptied for years () and looking at photographs from friends weddings around ten years ago. Somehow in a flash you’re not young any more and it feels like I’ve lost an opportunity I didn’t know was there.
P

Don’t be so hard on yourself. You can meet someone if you want to. I can’t have children of my own so I make up for it by sharing the care of the children in my family, it’s the best of both worlds- make some small changes in your life and expand your world, see what happens. Like is an adventure xxxx good luck

Herecomesthesun,

It takes confidence to feel that though I think?

If you like to walk, check a local Rambler website, there are well spread all over the country

I work with quite a few men but finding out if they are single when I don't know them well enough to ask is tricky.

I dated a doctor from work recently who turned out to be married!!
Obviously I dumped him but we have to work together every day & I find I'm liking him more it's so awkward.

I've got lots of messages from men waiting on tinder but I've been too nervous to answer them, will answer some today.

When did you last have a boyfriend OP?

I haven't even had a long term relationship

Absolutely herecomesthsun!

And you're in a brilliant position as if you meet someone you're available to explore it. If you're in an unhappy relationship you're in a much worse position as if you do meet someone new you have to go through the emotional and practical nightmare that is dissolving the relationship before you're able to pursue something new.

Wedding so without prying if you don't want to say so, were you in care as a child? You say you have no mum, dad, siblings, or extended family; you say they didn't exist. You obviously had a mum and a dad who are either deceased, or you are adopted perhaps.

Not all children have two parents in their lives; there will be zillions of women who come along here and say their child has no contact with their biological father or anyone else who is a relative by blood.

I think what me and others are trying to say is 'what do you want to do next?'

Your first post stated categorically that it was all too late, not going to happen, yet lots of posters have come along and said they had a child at 42 or whatever, with someone they met either by chance or by getting out there.

Do you want to do any of that?

Yes, it's understandable to not reach certain milestones (set by yourself or your biology) in life and feel sad but the question now is how can you change that?

It seems that whatever anyone suggests here today, you counter it with a negative. I can't see you have once said "oh yes, that's a good idea, I'll try it. " you don't seem to want to change anything.

If you really feel down and unable to see a way forward, you might want to see your GP or arrange your own support such as counselling, CBT or life coaching to help you move forward.

Your reluctance to even see that change is possible, is what's worrying as it seems to suggest you are depressed.

And the voluntary work you no longer enjoy- give it up! Don't waste another minute of your life doing things that give you no pleasure. use that time to spend on what you DO want.

I suggest voluntary work in a hospital as you meet lots of people that way, I've dated quite a few men through work at a hospital (when I wasn't ill).

Where do you want to be this time next year OP? This time in 5 years time?

Im sorry if it comes across a bit harsh but I think the feeling sad is just not productive, as other posters have said there are so many things people look back on and wish they have/haven't done. If you do desperatly want children and are still physically able then marriage isn't the only way you could. Adoption/sperm donation could be options to explore.

In terms of marriage I'm not married and don't really have any wishes to get married as such. There is only one marriage I look at and think "I'd love to have that", largely most marriages in my life have ended in divorce, or are just generally not very happy.

Would you consider sperm donor?

Or you could meet someone and enjoy stepmother life?

I know you think it wouldn't be 'fair' to have a child, but don't be so sure.

I have a friend who was single and didn't have children when she hit her early 40s. She also didn't/doesn't have much in the way of family left. But she knew she wanted to be a mum and had a lot to offer a child in terms of love and attention. So she adopted a little girl. Her friends are her extended family, and she is having a lovely time raising her daughter who is now about 10.

I'm a 53 year old single woman with a 12 year old child whom I adopted as a single adopter (I'm not suggesting that is appropriate for you just pointing out that I was in exactly your place at your age.

I took the decision to become a single parent by choice which isn;t for the faint hearted particualrly if you have no family support - though perhaps with friends you could make it work if it's what you really want.

I would say (as many others probably have) that you need to decide what makes you happy because if you go down the single parent by choice route you are often ruling out a relationship for a long time as you just don;t have the time to work and give you child a fair amount of time and find someone new. On the other hand I have made some good friends through DS's school who are every bit as supportive as members of my family.

Try to work out what you enjoy on a simple basis - reading (in which case go out and read in a cafe), looking at art (join an art appreciation class) etc

I know it sounds facile but you really can't rely on people outside you to make you happy - I mena it's nice if they do but my Dad worked out on my mum when she was nearly 60 and her life crumbled - she did nothing on her own. She had to completely rebuild her life almost from the ground up!

It taught me a lot about resilience and being responsible for your own happiness and shit like that.

But you are allowed to be gloomy that your life hasdn't turned out the way you wanted it to (behind closed doors) but you really can do something about it.

I would suggest downloading the podcast called The Guilty Feminist for going on walks with, it's hilarious and there are loads of episodes. Doesn't help with all the wider issue but I guarantee it will make you think and laugh.

worked out?! Walked out.

The OP has repeatedly stated she does not want to become a parent by unconventional means. Why can’t people accept that? She is perfectly entitled to mourn her lack of biological children.

Nor does she want to go rambling...

Apologies I led us astray there.

I noted my friend adopted her DD in her 40s only to point out that she got to become the mother she wanted to be. (It was her best option, as she'd had cancer earlier in her life and might have struggled to get pregnant herself.) There's nothing here suggesting OP couldn't go the sperm donor route if she wanted to; she is only 40.

Wallowing is exactly what you're doing Wedding

Having a good moan and feeling sorry for yourself can be healthy for a short period, then you need to think about how to change your life in little ways to make it pleasanter or more fulfilling.

You could retrain and do a different job. It doesn't have to be busy work and filling your time.

Meeting a partner tends to happen when you're not trying and are getting on with life imo though obviously you have to be out and about, which you say you are, so focus on another goal.

Up to you though, wallow without boundaries or any intention of ever doing anything to become happier if you prefer.

Get a hobby that is mainly men...classic cars...rock climbing...rowing....
A friend of mine started a band aged 42 and hasn't been single since.( obviously this option is not for everyone! )
I know a few over 40 single men who don't do online dating, but they do do stuff.

I’d probably be more selfish though and do it for me All parents have children for themselves - it is essentially a selfish act.
Having read that you have no family OP I can understand your feelings even more. I know a few friends who are childless by choice and it hits them hard when their parents die - particularly those with no siblings. It’s not about having a baby it’s about being alone in the world. If you want to children then you may have a few years left, but you need to act fast. It comes back to feeling you’ve lost an opportunity you didn’t know was there - don’t let any more opportunities pass you by. If you want children then investigate the possibilities, if you want a partner then make active efforts to meet someone - join a choir, park run, pottery class whatever your thing is. You only meet people by putting yourself out there. But it’s also perfectly ok to stay single - one of my best friends is in her 50s has no partner and no kids and lives a very happy a fulfilled life. The point is, I don’t think your OP is unreasonable in any way, but the person who holds the key to your destiny is you. You’ve had 40years of missed opportunities - don’t make it another 40 years.

Hi op, I know exactly how you feel and weekends are when it hits you the hardest . Lol at some of the suggestions such as get a job as live in at a residential facility !! I've done all the things suggested, voluntary work, meet up , travelled , forced myself out of my comfort zone, joined a running group etc and still not met anyone! It's frustrating and it's ok to be sad sometimes xx

It seems that whatever anyone suggests here today, you counter it with a negative. I can't see you have once said "oh yes, that's a good idea, I'll try it. " you don't seem to want to change anything

Sadly I agree with this.

Which is either a sign of depression/lethargy/apathy, or one of stubbornness and being set in one's ways.

Hence suggesting she explore whether she's got depression.

But if not, I hope OP realises that she is the only one who has any power to change her life if she wishes to, and that she can see how many people have tried to help her/taken time to give advice. There's a lot of good advice on this thread from practical to emotional, but sadly OP is the only one who can choose to say 'actually thanks I'll try that!' Or continue saying 'but reason I won't' after everything.

Ok. Thanks.