To feel sad I’ve never married or had children

[Weddingwishes]

I am moving house and emptying drawers that haven’t been emptied for years () and looking at photographs from friends weddings around ten years ago. Somehow in a flash you’re not young any more and it feels like I’ve lost an opportunity I didn’t know was there.
P

You need to make the best out of your situation and be at peace with that. Don’t allow yourself to be a victim.

^This.

OP, did you post about this a while ago under another username?

The 'shocked face' was because I am asking if you have no parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins, no one on the planet who is alive and a relative.

That's what you said.

Not everyone in a marriage has those! I never had any grandads- they died in their 40s. My father is estranged from his siblings so I've never seen them or my cousins. My mum's uncle died at 50. I was an only child till I was 10...

I've lived 300 miles away from my own parents for 40 years.

not everyone has this happy, extended family people think exists.

I think being single and childless is maybe easier to accept if you're ok financially. But not everyone is. It's really hard to survive on a minimum wage, or just a low salary as a single person. Life is cheaper as a couple/ family. I do know single friends who live alone and earn about £18k for ft work. They are living on beans on toast and no heating. Certainly no money to travel or enjoy themselves.

It is funny online porkfluke, the men you wouldn't be able to introduce to your kindest soul of an acquaintance in the dark, those men say "not looking for anything serious".

But greendale first she needs to come to terms with it. She then needs to work out the best way of living the rest of her life. Telling her to 'not be a victim' just shows a lack of understanding of how humans function.

Polly, I have no one alive who is a relative, that is correct, some of the relatives you listed there I have never had so it is not that they passed away, they just do not exist.

You are correct that not everyone in a marriage has those, but the child has two parents, which gives a bit of a buffer.

Again, very true Velvetspoon!!
I think Jane Austen said so too. I'm ok but don't have enough to move in a glossier more sociable circle. No real worries though.

“I do voluntary work, although at the moment I’m really not enjoying it. I do it, because it’s a worthwhile charity but I’m not sure if something has changed or I have, possibly. Either way I feel drained by it.”

Maybe take a break?

Yes, I am doing so.

Madmags, do you think there is only one poster feeling like this?! I highly doubt that.

:)

I think you’ve been very honest OP - possibly in a way you feel can’t be with people in RL (which is why people describe you as lovely and bubbly). I think 40 is a tough age - as are all the big 0 birthdays when you look at life and feel as though you are not where you should be. I also think it is something that creeps up on you - I’ve lost an opportunity I didn’t know was there is a very good way of phrasing it. You can’t turn the clock back, but you can look at what you want in the next 40 years so you avoid missing any opportunities in the future. You can fall in love and get married at any age. Kids are a bit more age dependant, but you could meet someone who has their own kids and then go on to have grandchildren. But I’d start by listing all the things you have got - do you like your job, own your own home, you mentioned all the stuff you enjoy doing - rather than focusing on The path.not taken.

Either way I feel drained by it.
then stop! Put yourself first for awhile, and find something you enjoy and makes you feel better. Be kind and give them some notice, but find something else.
Start in a painting class - can be pretty much free via council -, join a book club, a zumba class, something that would cheer you up

I'd really recommend physical exercise in a fun way, but only if you are able to do it

Weddingwishes, i hope the house you're moving to is nicer and or bigger or more convenient. I hope that it serves as a bit of a gear change.

Yes, that’s true, it has made me think. In a way it is hard as you do just have to get on with living your life, not just filling in time with activities that are meaningless.

Op did you post about this a while ago under another username I remember that thread, read pretty much the same as this one. Op was very lonely, didn't expect to ever meet anyone and wanted dc but didn't think she should actually have any because it wouldn't be fair to the child.

Being alone isn’t the worst thing, but somehow the day to day grind of it does drain me and it becomes an art to get through each non working day and then six months go by and you look back and it is all so empty.
You don't have to have a husband and children to stop feeling this way. There are other ways. Is the issue the loneliness alone or the going through acceptance that you won't ever be married/have children (or so you have convinced yourself of).

So you do sound depressed and unhappy. If that's the case, it's not about acceptance but indeed about finding a way to make changes in your life so you don't feel this way any longer. No-one should accept being depressed and unhappy as the status of their lives and years to come forever, especially at 40.

Not sure I have suggestions but perhaps use this awakening to think hard about what you want the rest of your life to look like and how you can take steps towards that. Accept that there are things you won't be: you won't be a 30 something mum, or married with seven kids by 40, or a world famous author at 17 or an Olympic gymnast at 21... (Apologies if you are any of the above)

But there are lots of things you might still be. I agree sack off the voluntary work if it's pissing you off. Put yourself first. Do things you want to do. Maybe think about your career. If you have no ties you can go anywhere in the world.

I would find some kind of hobby to fill your weekends with because pottering around trying to fill 3 hr chunks of day with chores and shopping DOES sound miserable and most people would be miserable living that way.
It seems like you don’t want to bring a child into non-ideal circumstances which is your decision.

I think it might be elizabeth gilbert, she of eat, pray, love infamy who has a ted talk suggesting that people do what they loved to do between the ages of 8 and 14. I took that advice earlier in the summer. Got the clay out. Did a writing course. Bought a sewing machine. Was going to take refresher flute lessons. But... i got a job. Which was a good thing of course. I think it was a good talk though. I'll try and find it. It helped me, but i feel that tank depleting a bit. I need to top up again somehow.

I’d rather do the coast to coast walk or create a garden than do a Zumba class full of local mums.

I think it is harder for women. My uncle never married because he loved a woman unrequitedly. He was able take solace in nature. Somehow a solitary woman is more frowned on/expected to take an “auntie” role of some kind.