To feel sad I’ve never married or had children

[Weddingwishes]

I am moving house and emptying drawers that haven’t been emptied for years () and looking at photographs from friends weddings around ten years ago. Somehow in a flash you’re not young any more and it feels like I’ve lost an opportunity I didn’t know was there.
P

OP - you mentioned you had considered having a child alone but decided not to as your world was too small and precarious.
The thing is plenty of women end up as single mothers through no fault of their own. I am a single full time working mother to 3 kids. It’s tiring, juggling constantly but I wouldn’t change it.
I would seriously look into it if I was in that situation. Dad of my youngest pays no maintenance, wafts by on a whim and will cancel if it doesn’t suit, has no overnights anyway as sofa surfing so to be honest it would have been easier for me if I had done sperm donor route.

I don't know if you're the same age as me since you won't tell us (which is a shame as it's really quite important to the discussion) but I'm in my 40s and quite frequently have pangs of regret over the 'road not taken' and thoughts that maybe the best years are over. I've never been interested in marriage or children, so zero regrets there, but I do think that when you reach a certain age you lose that feeling that time and possibilities are stretched out before you, and realise that there are certain things that now, you will probably never do.

I think it's quite normal. I doubt there's anyone who gets to the age of 40 or so without regrets, whatever they might like to say.

I do voluntary work, although at the moment I’m really not enjoying it. I do it, because it’s a worthwhile charity but I’m not sure if something has changed or I have, possibly. Either way I feel drained by it.

I think the OP deserves better than meaningless platitudes. Telling her she can find someone and have a baby and she's just not trying hard enough make me see red.

Sorry OP - my mistake for trying to help. Best just give up now then as @Vitalogy suggests.

Your world wouldn’t remain small if you had a child by yourself op. The only friends I have who I see regularly are parents of my childrens friends.

I know what you’re saying Gara but my child would have no brothers or sisters, no cousins, aunts or uncles, no grandparents, no dad.

Just me. It’s one thing if that happens through the great restaurant of life deciding to serve a pile of shit on your plate, but to select that item from the menu - I don’t know if that is fair!

I'm lucky in a way as I do have friends who have also never married or had kids, some wanted to but some are happy being childfree.

My best friend went through the menopause at 38 due to cancer treatment.
She has an amputated leg so dating is especially difficult for her.

But she & other single friends do have nieces & nephews, I don't even have that.

Velvetspoon I completely agree. On any other subject Mumsnetters would do a lot better than platitudes. Ive read wisdom on this thread tho so not suggesting that that was all that was offered but this is one of the last taboos. Any indirect reference to being alone, even if you're dealing well with it, it makes people uncomfortable so they tell you from their marriage, no being alone is not a problem for you.

OP One thing I'd say is that being married is not an antidote for loneliness. I have many long -married friends, most of whom are not with their soulmate and feel lonely.

There is nothing worse than being lonely in a relationship.

May of my friends are compromising in long 30+ year marriages.

If someone is married to their soulmate that's great, but I don't know of many who are. (And we are all 20+ years older than you.)

A relationship doesn't and won't fix loneliness.
You need to somehow be content with being alone and on your own. If you want a chap, companionship, sex, someone to see at the end of the day, and maybe children , that's fine.

But the grass is not always greener.

I'm sorry some posters felt I was being harsh. I'm not; I'm being honest. Seriously, I think you need some outside support from a coach, or CBT or a counsellor who can move you forward with your thinking.

You are allowed to feel sad of course. But ultimately you have control over what you do next. You can try to meet someone or you can accept that you don't want to do all the things that might help that to happen.

We have no family around. Your child would have a school full of children to mix with.

I agree with porkflute about online dating, I have a lovely friend who's tried every site going, and it seems 99% of men are sending dick pics after half an hour of chatting. And the decent 1% all live too far away for anything meaningful!

OP, are you overall happy with life, but just have moments of regrets and loneliness, or is that loneliness and regrets making you feel unhappy and unfulfilled. If the former and all you need is to share these feelings with likewise people, then indeed, it's not solutions you need just being able to be yourself at times. If however the status of your life is making you unhappy, then you will need to consider solutions.

Any indirect reference to being alone, even if you're dealing well with it, it makes people uncomfortable

But OP is not dealing with it - hence why posters are trying to offer advice.

I know what you’re saying Gara but my child would have no brothers or sisters, no cousins, aunts or uncles, no grandparents, no dad.

You have no family alive at all?

Polly, Iknow that, but the thing is it is no more relevant to me and my situation than it would be if I, say, went to a thread on relationships where a woman was struggling with an abusive or unkind or ignorant partner and I said ‘well I am alone and unhappy, so maybe you should think about that before you LTB.”

Being alone isn’t the worst thing, but somehow the day to day grind of it does drain me and it becomes an art to get through each non working day and then six months go by and you look back and it is all so empty.

Why the face, Polly?

Op what do you mean by your life being too small and precarious to have a child?

Before you said that I was going to say if you had to choose, what is more important a relationship or a baby?

Choose one and focus on that.

If it’s a baby get your fertility checked. Research donor sperm. Decide if you want a biological child or not.

You can be in control of this.

If you don’t try there is no one to blame but yourself.

Relationships area whole other matter. You can never control that. So don’t blame yourself for other people’s lack of action.

I had dcs in situations other wouldn’t. It was important enough for me to do that. It hasn’t been perfect and has meant relationships have been sacrificed but I’ll hit middle age glad about the chives I’ve made.

There is no perfect.

@george49 I'm giving you pearls here, pearls I say.

@BiscayTrafalgarFitzroy More embrace than give up.

@biscay , there is a big difference between giving up and offering up a platitude.

I know it might be hard though. I never know what to say to somebody when a loved one dies. I am useless at finding words that dont sound like a meaningless platitude. So I know it's hard. But it's not like there are two options a) platitude or b) shrug and ignore!

Children don’t need a big wide world to grow up in OP. If it’s something you want then don’t consider that you don’t have enough to give - I think you do.

Your feelings are totally valid. Our evolution drives us to feel the need of a partner, let alone society. My SIL is in the same position as you and she does all the things on this thread that people have listed as ‘trying’, it just hasn’t happened. I would say ‘yet’ because I can look at it statistically and say she probably will meet someone, but I know that on her low days she doesn’t see it happening, as much as she keeps trying.

No it’s not always what we think it will be when we get there either. Someone upthread mentioned being ‘safely’ married - well I’m reaching the age where divorce is starting to creep in and friends are becoming single mum’s or moving on to second marriages. No it’s not always greener on the other side but that just isn’t relevant to OP. Some people have kids and regret it, also not relevant. OP hasn’t had chance to try.

I had no idea having kids was such a minefield until we started hitting our 30s. One group of friends were all married and ttc by mid twenties, and have run the gamut of infertility and miscarriage and loss. The other group have hit mid 30s and aren’t yet in the position to ttc.

As a kid you just assume you’ll marry and have kids if you want them. There are many different ways to get smacked in the face by reality, other before during or after that journey, and whichever wall you hit they all hurt.

YANBU.

Feel the things you need to feel right now.

I do appreciate the suggestions, but I feel that while I have no personal or political objections, if you like, to donor sperm, it is not the best thing for a child in my particular situation.

either not other

It shocked me too wedding having no family. I have a small family and I'd worry about going it alone for that reason.

You must be incredibly resilient actually. I have a friend who is older than me who has no family and has never married, that's incredibly tough I think.