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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel sad I’ve never married or had children

449 replies

Weddingwishes · 04/03/2018 08:12

I am moving house and emptying drawers that haven’t been emptied for years (Shock) and looking at photographs from friends weddings around ten years ago. Somehow in a flash you’re not young any more and it feels like I’ve lost an opportunity I didn’t know was there.
P

OP posts:
IfNot · 04/03/2018 11:54

One of my friends has 2 dead parents, no aunts or uncles or cousins in contact, and no siblings. He is divorced with dc, so was essentially alone apart from the kids for a while. But the kids are fine-very outgoing, loads of friends, full lives.
Don't over think. Being a lone parent with no family is tough but it's doable, and it does actually expand your network if you put some effort in. don't rule it out if you want to be a mother.

codswallopandbalderdash · 04/03/2018 11:56

OP haven't RFT but all I would say is don't give up on life. Try to find things that make you happy / content NOW. Do things for you.

Don't worry about the future (you don't know what's going to happen)or dwell on the past. Take small steps and be kind to yourself.

FWIW, I think most people have been lonely or unhappy at some point in their lives.

Papergirl1968 · 04/03/2018 11:58

Op, I get you. I really do. I’m late and was in a very similar position to you ten years ago, although I do have a close family. But the loneliness and the yearning to have a husband and children...by god it hurt. It still does.
I adopted and exchanged one problem for another. I have two dd, but they have very complex emotional and behavioural issues. People ask if I regret it and I say no, which surprises them. But I’d rather have tried it and failed than not tried it and spend the rest of my life wondering what if?
I know a lot of adopters who are struggling so I’m not going to recommend you adopt. But you could maybe consider fostering. There always seems to be a shortage of foster carers, especially for older children. I’m not sure how it would work financially - you’d have to look into whether it was doable as I think foster carers find it very difficult to work and foster, but they do get paid well. It might be possible to work part time and foster teenagers.
Don’t give up on finding your Mr Right. He is out there somewhere. I don’t have any personal experience with OLD but a friend of mine who was divorced met a lovely widowed farmer on there and they’re very happy.
I hope you find some peace and happiness.

susiebee61 · 04/03/2018 11:59

I have a friend late 40's in the same position and I suspect OP has written this as its very hard to say it to people. I would look at it both ways- you really don't know whats around the corner-good or bad- but I would also to say that all the people who felt it would never happen, then magically it did-its pure luck and some people don't get that luck. I know someone who met her husband when he came to fix her electrics, she had just lost her mother and was in a terrible state, then there's others who try loads of things, socialise as much as possible(which can be extremely draining and time and money consuming) and still don't meet anyone. so a bit more compassion and less smugness might help here

Original poster
Weddingwishes · 04/03/2018 12:02

Fostering is a full time job, it isn’t something you can do as a single person unless you forgo the security of your existing job.

Adoption is not for me. My health record is not good and I do not have a support network and as such I would not get through a panel. Otherwise I might consider it Smile

OP posts:
mynameisLuca · 04/03/2018 12:08

how many times are you going to namechange and post the same stuff OP? It's always the same...you're alone and its not your fault but whatever anyone ever suggests is just not possible for you because you're different to everyone else....
What are you looking for here?

Original poster
Weddingwishes · 04/03/2018 12:12

Sorry, I ignored the other posts relating to that because I didn’t know what you were talking about. But, er, thank you.

OP posts:
swingofthings · 04/03/2018 12:15

OP, do you have any plans for the coming year to be excited about? A holiday, starting an activity, visiting someone you haven't seen for a long time, an event, something?

Is your life just about going from one week to another, one blending into another, nothing to distinguish one from the other, winter OR summer?

If that is the case, then you definitely need to do something about it as indeed, if you are not depressed yet, you will become so.

Littlebitletdown · 04/03/2018 12:22

I think Polly has a point in some ways, although the delivery of it makes it difficult to see what that point is as I’m not sure whether she’s genuinely trying to help or is just trying to be unkind, and that in turn is putting me off opening up.

You said this a while ago OP. What things was it Polly said that you could relate to? Did you miss something to explore at that point?

MadMags · 04/03/2018 12:22

Madmags, do you think there is only one poster feeling like this?! I highly doubt that.

No, I don’t. Nor did I say anything of the sort.

But the problem, the language, the tone, and the responses are all identical to another post that was on here a while back.

IfNot · 04/03/2018 12:23

I agree-luck has a HUGE part to play, and some people do all the "right things" and never get lucky. But sometimes changing your focus can help, and changing small things can subtly alter your path.

Slanetylor · 04/03/2018 12:24

You're allowed to wallow. Give yourself time to wallow but put a deadline on it. Do you really want a child? Go have one. Or at least seriously consider if the barriers are too much or if it is possible. Then make yourself a plan for the future. Big or small.
Is it possible to improve your career? What would you need to do?
Money is scarce. Can you get a Saturday job you would enjoy? In a hotel or a bar?
Have you a hobby you could leverage into a job? Photography etc?
Is their a challenge you would love to take on? Run a marathon, walk the length of the country, join a hobby cycling club?
You find saturdays hard to fill. Can you plan a house warming party? Make it kid friendly, invite what will comfortably fit. Why not make your home party central. Invite your friends for movies and snacks once a month. I loved when my friends did this, I sometimes didn't have energy for dinner and drinks and getting dressed up. And I couldn't invite people here because of the husband in the couch, and yelling at kids to get back to bed etc.
It's so easy to get lazy and people are a lot of hassle and sometimes a pain. But you have more power than you know. And you have friends so work hard not to lose them now.

Original poster
Weddingwishes · 04/03/2018 12:28

Just so you know I’m hiding the thread, so thanks for the advice.

OP posts:
Littlebitletdown · 04/03/2018 12:30

Good luck with the house move. Flowers

metalmum15 · 04/03/2018 12:33

Maybe next time post in relationships or mental health, not aibu. I agree with pp that it's a very similar thread to previous ones, down to you being described as bubbly by people who know you. There's obviously several bubbly posters out there who don't really like their lives but aren't willing to take any advice and can't seem to admit they really are the only person who can change things.

Original poster
Weddingwishes · 04/03/2018 12:41

This is why I am ashamed.

OP posts:
snewsname · 04/03/2018 12:42

No advice but I understand how hard it is. Thanks

DaphneduM · 04/03/2018 12:47

Most of us have experienced those feelings of loss and the road not taken, what if? etc. at some point in our lives. It's not tackling the big things, but the little ones which I believe can make a difference. You have more going for you than you think - people describe you as 'lovely', so you must be a very nice person. You have your own home and are financially independent, that is two huge pluses in life. I know it's not helpful to hear of how people have overcome just what you are going through, but it proves that things do change sometimes. I can speak from experience here. Definitely chuck in the voluntary work, if you don't enjoy it, but maybe look around for something different, the hospital volunteering definitely sounds a good one to me. Only you have the power to change your situation, maybe just take small steps. Even a trip to the library to have coffee and change your library books can be positive and while away half a day, a walk similarly, cooking your favourites, I do a virtual pretend on-line shop (Net a Porter, The Outnet, look at Vogue on line) for my fantasy life and then adapt some of those looks in a cheaper way. Just wearing something new and pretty can give a lift to the day. Or a pet? I love my cat, we rehomed him after he had been rescued from being dumped in a ditch and he is so comforting on my lap in the evening. Would any of these things help you? I totally get the travelling thing, going somewhere on your own is very stressful and defeats the object of what you are trying to achieve. Be sad for today (it's the dreaded Sunday), but you'll be back at work tomorrow - maybe take just one step next week to do something you enjoy and make yourself feel better. However if you are still depressed after a few weeks, then do get yourself to your GP for some help also. Sorry a long list of stuff, but it's well meant and trying to help you.

MrsJoshDun · 04/03/2018 12:51

Walk for a whole day every weekend, with no one to talk to? smile

Not being a GF, but would you really?

I do this frequently. Take my dog, but no other person. I bought a cheap caravan and go off on walking holidays round the country on my own. I know some of my friends think I’m bonkers but I enjoy it. Guess not everyone would enjoy it though but maybe you don’t know until you try?

giveuptheidea · 04/03/2018 12:57

@Weddingwishes I'm on the app but going through a hard time and I have similar thoughts sometimes although I have one DS

If you want to chat without being blamed, you're welcome to PM

It's not easy Thanks

expatinscotland · 04/03/2018 13:02

'This thread is pretty much bingo for annoying and insensitive platitudes for single and/or childless women.'

Pretty much. Travel, foster, volunteer, don't you have a career, you don't have any family, I met The Perfect Man when I was 48 and we had 18 children, children are overrated. Plus scolding the OP. What an utter joy people are. NOT.

'Just so you know I’m hiding the thread, so thanks for the advice.'

I don't blame you. It's shocking.

Flowers
Lizzie48 · 04/03/2018 13:14

I do remember being single in my 30s (I got married at 33 so I never quite got to the stage of thinking it was too late). I used to hate being told by friends that I was better off being single because having a boyfriend/husband was overrated. It doesn't help someone who is suffering from loneliness.

Then when I had fertility issues, I got sick of the advice to 'just relax and go on holiday and it will happen'. It wasn't true, I was infertile and no amount of sex was going to lead to me conceiving. We adopted in the end, but I know that's not for everyone.

I get that you want understanding and empathy and not advice so I won't give any. I never appreciated any of the advice, I just wanted my friends to get it. I had a couple of lovely single friends back then, that helped because we were in the same boat so there were no platitudes to put up with.

Thanks
daisychain01 · 04/03/2018 13:16

I think the OP deserves better than meaningless platitudes. Telling her she can find someone and have a baby and she's just not trying hard enough make me see red

OK so over to you to wave the magic wand and make things better for the OP.

The trouble with these type of threads is that people come on genuinely wanting to help and get accused of going into solution mode (helpful options) or platitudes (aka showing empathy).

If the OP didn't want anyone's experiences, advice or feedback, I'm sure she wouldn't have bothered starting a thread.

expatinscotland · 04/03/2018 13:18

'I used to hate being told by friends that I was better off being single because having a boyfriend/husband was overrated. It doesn't help someone who is suffering from loneliness.'

Spot on. 'Just when you least expect it' 'You just need to put yourself out there' 'You sound like my friend, she just doesn't make an effort/she's lazy/too picky/CBA'd'. 'I met Christian Grey when I was 50 and we had 8 children'. 'Everyone wants what they don't have.'

PollyPerky · 04/03/2018 13:22

Weddings No I'm not being unkind. I'm being honest. I have not said one unkind thing. I have suggested loads of practical ways for you to make changes and left links. Meet Up, CT, counsellors, GP etc.

I think what you don't understand is that you come over as being very ungrateful. People are giving up their time to try to help you, but you have not thanked anyone really, or said that some of the suggestions are worth considering.

Your behaviour on the thread is the same - it seems- as your behaviour in real life. That is, ignoring anything positive you could do to make life different.

I'm sorry for wasting my morning trying to offer ideas and give some perspective. Maybe when you have got over people talking frankly to you, come back and read their ideas and see if there is something you can take away and implement.

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