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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be NEVER speak to SIL again?

410 replies

MadSister1818 · 03/03/2018 18:04

DB and SIL came to stay with their 2 DCs 5 and 2.

After they had gone, I noticed my old bear was missing. Looked high and lo but nothing.

Spoke to DB earlier and asked about my bear. Turns out the 5yo had taken a shine to it and asked SIL if she could take it. SIL SAID YES!!!

To make it worse, she only went and bloody lost it on the way home Sad

I’ve had this bear since I was a baby. It was my most trusted companion and confidant throughout my childhood. DB knows this. But he was laughing whilst being apologetic about the whole thing.

I know I’m overreacting and it was just an accident but I am SO upset.

AIBU to never speak to SIL again? (Obviously I will through gritted teeth but right now I feel like having a full on tantrum).

OP posts:
Mookatron · 03/03/2018 22:24

Don't feel you've behaved badly by getting upset with your brother.

He allowed your stuff to be treated disrespectfully and then basically forced you to shout at him by responding in a totally inappropriate way.

Just because you don't (I presume) have kids doesn't mean the whim of a 5 year old trumps behaving towards you with decency and even -as he's your brother - love. He's a twat.

Don't stand for it.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 03/03/2018 22:25

I'm outraged for you.
It's not just the fact that she let her 5yo take your teddy, which is awful enough on its own, it's the fact that she thought she had ANY right whatsoever to agree that the 5yo could have something of yours without asking you first!
What if it had been an expensive bracelet? Or a piece of jewellery that your gran had given you? Would she have agreed to that without asking too? I mean, it's actual theft, and it's only because it's "just" an old teddy that she probably hasn't realised that. YOUR property, taken without permission (and now lost) = theft.
So upset for you, honestly. I hope that a FB plea might turn up some results for you. Thanks

KateGrey · 03/03/2018 22:26

That’s awful! I have two autistic children. My youngest is five and doesn’t understand about people’s property but no way would I let her just take something. She’d probably have a meltdown but she can’t have everything she wants. I’m furious for you OP. And the disrespect your brother has shown. I suspect they’ve just kept the bear and told you they lost it so they don’t have to give it back.

HotCrossBun12 · 03/03/2018 22:26

Appallingly disrespectful. What a cow.

FreeNiki · 03/03/2018 22:35

Are they the only young dc in the family?

My nephews are and I find that they get what they purely because of that.

Zebra31 · 03/03/2018 22:37

That’s awful. YANBU. It’s theft. What kind of person thinks it’s ok to help themselves to other people’s belongings without asking. What exactly are they teaching their kids? Our DD has a little snuggly teddy which she is very attached to. She’s had it since she was about 8 weeks old. I wouldn’t care how old she was if anyone stole it I would go ape shit. Some things are priceless because of their sentimental value.

You have every right to be really upset Op. Your DB and SIL have behaved appallingly.

GlitteryFluff · 03/03/2018 22:37

I genuinely can't believe people like that exist.
Hope they find it op.

FreeNiki · 03/03/2018 22:41

@GlitteryFluff

Come and meet my sister!

It is awful to deal with. Although banning them from my house does seem to have had an effect.

Wdigin2this · 03/03/2018 22:45

She should have asked you.....I'd be very put out if it were me!

sonjadog · 03/03/2018 22:51

They sounds like my brother and sil. Only they and their wants matter, everyone else is irrelevant.

starlightafar · 03/03/2018 22:56

I just don't understand this blatant disregard for other people's stuff.
WTF was she thinking to say yes?!
I wouldn't give them the pleasure of your anger. I'd tell them (her) how upset you are and then put some find out things on FB.

frasier · 03/03/2018 22:57

Wdigin2this Huh? Why should she have asked just because her child wanted someone else's property?! Why put the owner in that position?

She should have just told her child NO, it belongs to someone else.

RumerGodden · 03/03/2018 23:00

Next time you visit, take something wildly sentimental and important to her...and drop it in the bin when you get home...see how she likes it. Best way to teach someone a lesson is let them experience it for themselves!

Wishiwasonholiday1 · 03/03/2018 23:00

I really hope you find it. Try finding out if there are any mum's fb groups in the area and post about a missing teddy. Also worth calling lost property at the shopping centre. Good luck.

StaplesCorner · 03/03/2018 23:03

its very unlikely my SIL meant any harm. The younger DC is a terrible sleeper and I know she and DB have been pretty sleep deprived as a result.

Oh well that's alright then ...!! I don't think your SiL gave a flying fuck, and most of us on here with have had sleep deprivation and managed not to treat other people's houses like a free toy shop.

NorbertTheDragon · 03/03/2018 23:05

I'd be devastated if my beloved Flat Teddy was lost. He's 42 years old and so named because he lost his stuffing when I was a toddler, but he was always my favourite. Because he's flat he actually spends most of his time under the bed. At least that means he's safe from other people!

I really hope you can get your best back. I definitely recommend posting on Facebook groups.

I hope your brother and SIL are suitably ashamed of themselves, they bloody well should be, and should absolutely be doing their hardest to track the bear down.

timeisnotaline · 03/03/2018 23:08

They are selfish twats, fair enough you would tell them that, I hope they listened!

Jux · 03/03/2018 23:08

Whenever a particular set of cousins came to stay my grandmother would send them up to my room to "choose a toy". She would tell me I had lots (didn't actually) and I didn't need them any more - this started when I was 5!!!!! One year, one cousin chose my bear which was the only nice gift I had ever had from my other gran. So at last I spoke to mum about it, who got the bear back.

When I was in my 30s, the parents sold the house and moved. Mum packed a trunk with all our childhood treasures, including my bear, and the trunk was sent to my uncle for safekeeping.my aunt unpacked and distributed everything in it around her children and grandchildren, so I guess they got my bear after all.

windchimesabotage · 03/03/2018 23:11

Well id speak to her again but id make it very clear I was furious. It doesnt matter that its a cuddly toy the point is your SIL gave something to her child that did not belong to her. I would never ever do that no matter how much my 3 yo was crying!! Cant believe anyone would think it was okay to steal something to placate their child... doesnt matter what the object is its still stealing.

Yukbuck · 03/03/2018 23:12

I'd be really really upset. I have a bear from childhood which is still on my bed. He's nearly 17 years old.

MissWimpyDimple · 03/03/2018 23:14

I would be apoplectic.

No way no way no way.

I don't think I could speak to any of them again!

user1459464195 · 03/03/2018 23:22

If my three year old saw a teddy or any toy he liked the look of in someone else's house and asked if he could have it, the answer would be "no, it belongs to x and lives here". Even if x then offered to give the toy to my child (this has happened) I have thanked them politely but declined. For two reasons: firstly I don't want my child thinking he is entitled to take a possession from someone's house every time he visits someone and secondly (as I tell the person) it's nice that he will associate that toy with x, and will be something he will look forward to seeing/playing with again on the next visit.

You are most definitely NOT being unreasonable OP. Your DSIL and DB have no manners.

I hope you find your bear.

Pumpkintopf · 03/03/2018 23:24

Op I'm not surprised you were angry given your B had no respect for your feelings whatsoever.

Definitely they should retrace their steps, now, tonight. And tomorrow if the shops are open.

(Also love the idea of a mumsnet search though. Wouldn't be the first time mumsnetters have come through in a seemingly impossible situation!)

FleurDeLizzie · 03/03/2018 23:43

I have a bear from childhood which is still on my bed. He's nearly 17 years old

I have a bear from my childhood that's 50 years old. Nobody can play with it or even touch it because it's falling to bits. It's just a bunch of decaying fibres really.

I've had other precious relics from my childhood - dolls, a fluffy rabbit, other stuff I kept hold of - that I don't even know the whereabouts of now. I can understand that in the aftermath of the disappearance of a much loved childhood comforter, feelings can run high.

But really, in the grand scheme of things, it was going to fall apart or disappear at some point. It's just happened sooner rather than later.
The really tough things to get through are losing a parent or a partner or a sibling. I'm trying to be devil's advocate. I've found that it's far more healthy to keep these things in perspective. Nobody died.

frasier · 03/03/2018 23:49

In this situation I think whether you are a bear lover or not and understand the significance is one of the points, the other is that the sister in law is a thief.