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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To give up on this school

150 replies

Bemoreunderstanding · 02/03/2018 21:21

Looking for advice on next year's high school place.

We live in a small village with a small village primary school. Most children go to the local high school but I chose to send my older child out of area to a similar distance away high school which is in the next council area. We were lucky to get the place as we are as far out as they take. I was hoping to get my younger child into the same school and we have a slightly improved chance due to the sibling link but we are still out of area of course.

At the village school is a lovely mother who has a child with SEN issues (very relevant to this thread) in my younger child's class. This mother spoke to me a while back about which schools I was looking at, as she intended to send her child to the same one, so my child could travel with her child and help him get to school safely.

However as her child has a statement and will understandably take priority over my child. If she applies for the same school, her child will definitely get a place and therefore reducing our chances and as they only just reach the village we are very likely to lose out. If the mother actually wanted the school place that is fine, but she only wants to go to the school which my child is going to and I am feeling frustrated that this is likely to lead to her child attending this school on their own.

The second concern is I want to be kind and understanding and in theory I don't mind my child helping hers. However they both struggle socially and I can't expect my child to look after hers at the level she is expecting. The children are not friends though I encourage kindness and being nice to all classmates. The mother said my child is the only one who is nice to her child.

Thirdly this school is very big and doesn't have a great SEN provision where as the local high school is much smaller and has a brilliant on site SEN. My good friends child loves the unit and how it is fully integrated into the school but there for when she needs it.

Bottom line this mother can and must do the right thing for her child. But hand on heart I don't think the out of area school is the answer. If they go for it best case scenario my child gets in too and has a part time carer role on the buses, walking, lunch time and might make it more difficult for my child to make a friend for himself. As my child has made his first friend in year five, I don't want to pile more pressure on. In the worse case we won't get a place at all and the other mum will be upset her child will be travelling on their own.

I am going to have another chat with this mother and if she is definite about choosing this out of area school I guess I need to give up and put mine in the local high school. If I don't get our first choice we will be pushed into the sink high school in the next village along and I can't risk that.

Or I could explain that we won't get both kids in the out of area school and therefore would she consider applying for the good local school instead, as we really want the place due to sibling attending and whatever happens our children will be in different schools.....but I know that will be rude :(

OP posts:
Lalalaleah · 02/03/2018 21:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TigerBreadAddict · 02/03/2018 21:23

Don't base your decision on what someone else might or might not do. Which school suits you and your child best? Pick that one. Put the other one as second choice.

whateveryousay · 02/03/2018 21:24

I would just say you are applying to the local school, and then do your own thing. As you say, they’d most likely be in different schools anyway, and I’d put my own child first.

Allthewaves · 02/03/2018 21:26

Just tell her you are reconsidering and not sure where you are going to send dc.

Has she actually said about your child looking after hers or just that be nice for them to get bus together?

Original poster
Bemoreunderstanding · 02/03/2018 21:28

I will put local high school as a second option but in our area, you end up at the local sink high school if you don't get in your first choice.

OP posts:
RancidOldHag · 02/03/2018 21:30

Tell her that your DC will always be friends with hers, but you simply cannot let her decide her school presences based on your family. She must choose the school that is best as a school for her DC.

Hint, if you must, that you are considering moving once DC has finished at lovely village primary, so may not be making the journey from the same place anyhow. If she's tenacious, then perhaps you won't be making a local school application at all as you are going to move to the big city/a small holding in Wales/a kibbutz/university town to retain/New Jersey ??

Original poster
Bemoreunderstanding · 02/03/2018 21:32

She clearly explained that it would be nice for my child to help hers in the bus and getting to school and to where they need to be. Maybe that is as far as she expects
, I don't know. However she was very clear that she was only interested in going to whatever school we were going to.

OP posts:
wilkos · 02/03/2018 21:35

Tell her your first choice is the other one. She sounds like her priorities are all over the place but you are right - she needs to make a decision for HER CHILD, not leave him tagging hopefully after yours, poor kids.

2cats2many · 02/03/2018 21:35

I don't think you understand how admissions work. If you put out of area school as #1 and local school as #2 and you don't get an offer from #1, you stand the same chance of getting an offer from #2 as if you'd placed them first on the list.

The school doesn't see how you ranked them. They just see an application from you.

PeterPiperPickedSeaShells · 02/03/2018 21:37

So she expects your child to potentially act as a career for her child for all 5 years at secondary school? Has she asked your child if this is something that they would be prepared to do? What happens if your child decides to go to a before or after school club or, just wants to get the bus with someone else?

Original poster
Bemoreunderstanding · 02/03/2018 21:37

When we last talked a few months back, I was caught a bit off guard and said that she should judge the schools on their own merit not by who is going where. I did mention the local school and how great the SEN unit was and she should visit it and see what she thinks. I don't know if she did go or is intending going.

But she is going to see the out of area school next month to see what they can do for her child, so it looks like her mind is made up. Sigh. I keep telling myself that my child might not get a place due to any number of reasons but to lose the school we really want because the other mother only want whatever school we are applying for, make me feel sad.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bemoreunderstanding · 02/03/2018 21:39

2catswmany My friend works in the local school admission office. It works differently as my first choice would be out of area and my second in area.

OP posts:
Slanetylor · 02/03/2018 21:40

If her son gets in and yours doesn't will she decline the spot? Is it possible your son will then get the place? She must not realise that the places are so scarce.

MrsElvis · 02/03/2018 21:41

I would lie to her. Bad but true

Original poster
Bemoreunderstanding · 02/03/2018 21:42

My child can't look after her child in any meaningful way. No SEN but struggles to make friends, cross roads, anything street smart is difficult. But highly intelligent, good sense of humour and so affectionate. I wouldn't ask and it wouldn't be possible.

OP posts:
helpmum2003 · 02/03/2018 21:43

If both kids get into the school you could request different forms etc. I wouldn't not choose the school you want for your child because of this. Make your choices for the best reasons for your child.

soapboxqueen · 02/03/2018 21:45

What this woman does with her child is none of your business. You might feel some other provision is better but it is irrelevant.
.
The schools you choose and the order you put them in has no impact on your likelihood of being allocated those schools. If you like school A put that as choice 1. This will have no impact on the chances of being offered school B if you do not qualify for school A.
.
High schools are big so the chances of your child and this boy being in the same class are not that great even if they do sit together on the bus. You can always ask for them to be separated and be clear why eg to much pressure to be a carer for this boy. High schools take on a lot of information when sorting classes.

wijjy · 02/03/2018 21:48

What this woman does with her child is none of your business.

It certainly is her business if she expects her child to act as some sort of assistant for the other woman's child.

Original poster
Bemoreunderstanding · 02/03/2018 21:50

Would it be acceptable to explain how hard the places are to get and it is likely her child would be attending on his own and how would she feel about that ?

Wish I could lie but I couldn't do it. I am rubbish at deceit , too blunt and direct which is why I know I can be very rude. I try to be fair. But my child has had so much upset in the last few years and all they want to do is travel with their older sibling to high school and now that is looking so unlikely :(

OP posts:
Original poster
Bemoreunderstanding · 02/03/2018 21:53

They only take one child from our village per year for this school. Usually distance wise and with the sibling link it would of been us, but the other child will get the place automatically due to being statements. Even though they live further away and have no sibling link. That is why it is relevant, they will take the place, therefore there will be no place for us to apply for.

OP posts:
Snowysky20009 · 02/03/2018 21:54

I would tell a little fin and say you are applying for the local high school.

Snowysky20009 · 02/03/2018 21:55

*fib

SouthWestmom · 02/03/2018 21:55

Oh fgs this just reads like trying to inflame comments about disabled kids - sorry op if this isn't your intention but honestly.

  1. No one can make your kid take on a caring role
  2. She can apply for SEN transport if necessary
  3. Applying out of area doesn't impact on your own choices or chances. That's why people are told to put a safe local option down.
GrockleBocs · 02/03/2018 21:56

Does the child with SEN have an EHCP? If he doesn't, he won't automatically get a place.

PorkFlute · 02/03/2018 21:56

Choose the school you want for your child but they aren’t responsible for this other child and if the help expected is too much then the mother will have to make other arrangements.
Ywbvvvvvvvu to try and put the mother off this school so your child has a better chance of a place though. Why are you so sure that her child would take the last place anyway?