to ask if anyone on here regrets going back to work after dc, and not being a sahp?

[mammyoftwo]

Context: It's a snowy day here..........beautiful stop-you-in-your-tracks-to-look-at-them snowflakes.....it's spent playing outside, coming inside for home baking, snuggling by the fire with books and an all round "good day".

(For full disclosure, I fully acknowledge we have plenty of "not good days" with two toddlers).

But anyways, it got me to thinking...............................................so often on here I read threads about "I don't want to give up my career for my children"/"Do you regret being a sahp" etc, etc etc....... you get the gist.

So today, having had a "good day", I'm going to be bold and brave enough to ask it.............................................does anyone back in paid work after children regret it?
I'd have hated to miss out on all that we did today. Things aren't easy, we've made sacrifices in spending for one parent to be "at home" but it's a choice we made as we believe it works best for our family.

I wasn’t very happy leaving them at school either!

From talking to other mums who have concerns about leaving their children with strangers I think the particular issue seems to be leaving their young preschool age children strangers: it's the communication skills of that age that seems to be the concern. If their child came to harm (physical and or sexual abuse etc) that child has very limited capacity to express something's wrong (obviously parent may notice change in behaviour but verbal/language skills are limited) whereas with an older child with advanced communication skills are more likely to be able to express concerns/specify what is happening (????????? and as a result possibly the chances of abuse are reduced)

Surely that's a very, very small risk. I think, to be brutally honest, people are fishing around for reasons to justify their actions there!

OP yes- and it's not so much the harm aspect- but you make a good point about communication.
I wanted my babies to be cared for in love- and delegating 40 hours a week to a nursery - however caring and proficient just wasn't what I wanted.
By the time a child goes to school they understand that they need to go, can discuss issues, tell you how they feel.
So to me that's a different thing to taking a 12 month old to nursery.

Can understand people’s fears, but abuse is far more likely to be by a family member or acquaintance. fear needs to be put in proportion against other factors, eg family finances, both parents’ labour market position.

If you never use paid childcare until DC are almost school age and have no help from local family or friends (which was our position) presumably you never do anything out of the home as a couple for years.

presumably you never do anything out of the home as a couple for years.

And that is a problem?

And there are childminders and (for the few who can afford it) nannies. Nursery not the only option, although for many they are fine.

Most people I know are not in the privileged position of being able to choose to stay at home until children are school aged.

I did feel awful leaving my daughter when I first returned to work but it quickly changed as she really enjoyed nursery and it felt like a nice balance. My second child is about to start nursery at 13 Months for 3 days a week. I am sad to be leaving him but we cannot afford to live on one wage (like most people I know). He's a sociable baby so I'm sure he'll be fine (and if he hates it we'll have to find other childcare)

The risk of a non-verbal child being abused in a care setting is much less than the risk of a marriage breaking up, main breadwinner dying or becoming disabled or made redundant. But there you go, illogically clutching at straws to justify the mother having to be with a young child 24/7 and not using childcare.

Step fathers (and even fathers) are a greater risk than mothers of abusing a child but presumably SAHMs leave their non-verbal dc alone with fathers?

orangesticker: I wasn’t very happy leaving them at school either!

I am afraid wanting to continue to be surgically attached to a child that is growing up says more about you than the needs of the child.

presumably you never do anything out of the home as a couple for years.

And that is a problem?

Christ on a bike, it would be for me. If you're different, go you, but yes, it would sure make me very unhappy.

It’d be a problem for many couples, yes! For example with two DC three years apart, not going out until they were 4, that’d be 7 years!

Not read the full thread.
I got made redundant last summer when my kids had just turned 2 and 4. I made a conscious decision not to return back to work for a while but since January have been working for my own business part time, totally fitting in around kids. My aim is for this to make a decent living in time, as kids get more independent etc. but it it doesn't yet(though overheads are very low). If it doesn't take off in a couple of years I will be looking for another "proper job". No regrets at all so far, despite it being financially unfavourable thus far.
Am in the fortunate position however of having small mortgage and husband who earns enough that in the short-Medium term me not earning is not a big issue. We don't have high outgoings anyway though (have one old car which we share and are happy with fairly cheap holidays, rarely do posh nights out etc). Most people are not in that situation.

I enrolled mine at an independent morning nursery - they couldn't start before the term they turned 3. The hours there were 9.15-12.15, but they didn't mind id you were late. Most people did 3 mornings per week. It was more if a playgroup rather than anything else. If mine didn't feel like going, I just didn't take them.

They had no issues starting school (and neither did I)! They could all read before school because I taught them. They had always seen friends every day and are fortunately all quite sociable kids.

I do think school is different because it's not intended to be a "care setting", but an educational setting. Plus they are only there from say 8.30-3. That's totally different to much younger, pre-verbal children or even babies being in a care setting for a nine hour day. It's not the same thing at all imo.

The relationship my DS forged with his caregivers is a really positive point for me.

We had a nanny until he was 18 months.

They had a fabulous bond, he loved seeing her every day and even now, though we have moved countries, we all chat regularly on Skype, meet up, remember birthdays etc.

He now has a super relationship with the staff in nursery and gets to see his old key worker (who he loves) because she does a bit of babysitting.

My mother was a childminder for a bit and she still meets up with some of her ex charges 10 years after. They go for coffee, see each other at Christmas/birthdays.

The relationships, when they work well, can be a real plus point.

I am afraid wanting to continue to be surgically attached to a child that is growing up says more about you than the needs of the child. Initially that is the conclusion that everyone jumped to...but in the end I was proved right it actually it said more about the school!!! We moved them! My fears were warranted.

orangesticker I am not sure you got the point. Of course all parents have to adapt to the circumstances, including moving the child out of what transpires to be an unsuitable school. But most send our children off to school with the hope and expectation it will work out, not feeling unhappy at even sending them off to school.

Unless you were only talking about your own specific experience with that particular school in relation to your particular child, which is somewhat misleading a general point to make without clarifying that context.

It doesn't have to be all or nothing. My ds is now 15.

I went back to work when he was 7 months old 4 days a week and he went to nursery.

When he was 2 I changed jobs and worked FT, but one day a week at home. But that job only lasted a year and I changed jobs again to another FT role but had to be in the office full time.

Towards the end of that job he started school and went to a childminder every morning, I reduced my hours so I could collect him once a week and DH changed to a flexible working pattern so he could collect 2 days a week and he went to a childminder twice a week after school. That job ended after a bit over 2 years.

I then had another FT role where I could work from home one or two days a week and the school introduced an before-school club so I was able to use the childminder less and the club more. I was in that job for 4 years.

Then I left, took a part-time job and did some freelance work at home for a year or so.

For the last 5 years I have worked part-time and mainly at home.

And soon I start a new job, FT, but a couple of days at home.

People on here seem to think it's a choice of working FT or being at home FT and there are so many combinations, depending on what sort of field you work in.

Plus: does anyone ever ask dads if they like/regret working/being a SAHD?

From talking to other mums who have concerns about leaving their children with strangers I think the particular issue seems to be leaving their young preschool age children strangers: it's the communication skills of that age that seems to be the concern.

My mom looked after mine before they started school while me and my DH were at work so that wasn't an issue

Oh and I survive quite happily without "nights out".

We are not ones for busy pubs and clubs, we do enjoy eating out, but that is possible with children at lunchtimes. We loved and still do having days out and adventures, just not into "nightlife".
And adult talk was done in the evening at weekends over a glass of wine once kids are in bed.
We have a very happy relationship.
Not having " nights out" had no negative impact.

My mom looked after mine before they started school while me and my DH were at work so that wasn't an issue

Trinity- and that's great- I would have been happy to do that too if it was an option.
And presumably you didn't have to pay her either.

My mom looked after mine before they started school while me and my DH were at work so that wasn't an issue

'This'. Another one here who didn't have this option...things may have different if I had...circumstance has a huge impact it seems.

Oh, and it was a case of double standards too. My mother was quite happy to leave me for massive amounts of time with my grandparents whilst she worked or did whatever else she wanted to do BUT made it quite clear that she would not care for my children - she never offered to babysit, let alone care for dc whilst I worked or care for them for a couple of hours when I had pnd so that I could "get out of the house for a couple of hours," her words. Nothing. Not bitter at all!!! Just estranged from her now (for a whole load of reasons not just this one). Sorry, I totally digress from the main issue but sadly, I have no happy memories spent with my mother as a child who even when there and not using the guise of work to get out of the house...was not really there or present if you understand what I am trying to say. Obviously, there are plenty of working mums who really value the time they spend with their children...but this experience with my own mother deeply and profoundly affected me and my decisions as to how to care for my own children (and that's not to say I'm perfect by any means and yes, I do need my own headspace at times). This is a complex topic for sure.

SOME couples would be fine with no time out of the home together (day or night) without DC, but many wouldn’t!

God, I'd hate to be stuck at home the whole time. I was out every night before DD came along; I have a lot of dear friends and clients/colleagues that I'd miss dreadfully. There's a happy medium of spending most of your time with the child and not giving up your life! I think the latter sets a poor example socially, actually.