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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask if anyone on here regrets going back to work after dc, and not being a sahp?

993 replies

mammyoftwo · 01/03/2018 23:16

Context: It's a snowy day here..........beautiful stop-you-in-your-tracks-to-look-at-them snowflakes.....it's spent playing outside, coming inside for home baking, snuggling by the fire with books and an all round "good day".

(For full disclosure, I fully acknowledge we have plenty of "not good days" with two toddlers).

But anyways, it got me to thinking...............................................so often on here I read threads about "I don't want to give up my career for my children"/"Do you regret being a sahp" etc, etc etc....... you get the gist.

So today, having had a "good day", I'm going to be bold and brave enough to ask it.............................................does anyone back in paid work after children regret it?
I'd have hated to miss out on all that we did today. Things aren't easy, we've made sacrifices in spending for one parent to be "at home" but it's a choice we made as we believe it works best for our family.

OP posts:
PoorYorick · 07/03/2018 12:58

Oh and I survive quite happily without "nights out".

That's great for you, but not for us. We have tickets at the moment to see the ballet, Prof Brian Cox and Hamilton and I would be devastated if we couldn't do anything like this for 5+ years because we literally had no evening childcare. The time alone, out doing something enjoyable, with my husband, is very valuable to us.

I'm absolutely certain that if anything tears our family apart, it won't be this. It's hugely beneficial for our marriage to be able to go and see films or shows or have dinner together.

PoorYorick · 07/03/2018 13:00

Oh, we'd also have had to miss several dear friends' weddings too.

speakout · 07/03/2018 13:19

But how does being a WOHM mean you have evening childcare?

I am confused. Unless you have a nanny.

Most childminders and nurseries only run through the day.

1ndig0 · 07/03/2018 13:22

Basically, the way I see it, a good mum is a happy mum.

So if you're happier at work, do it, otherwise you'll become resentful. If you're happier at home, do it, or you'll resent that you have to work away from your DC. If you have no choice, then just know you're doing the best you can at that time.

PoorYorick · 07/03/2018 13:29

But how does being a WOHM mean you have evening childcare?

Babysitters? That's what we usually use, no family nearby. Not sure it's a SAHM/WOHM issue.

It's beside the point though. The point was that you seemed to think it's not a problem never having an evening out with your husband/partner until your kids are old enough to be left alone, presumably 12 years or so. If that works for you, brilliant, but it absolutely does not work for us or many other people and I'm actually surprised that you think it wouldn't be a problem for people.

cinderellawantstogototheball · 07/03/2018 13:32

Babysitters? Mums' network? (there's one near us where you get so many "tokens" and a mum that you know will sit for you; you return the favour at some point - basically free babysitting by a mum that you and your DC know) Night out for you with friends whilst your DP stays in and vice versa?

You DO need a degree in rocket science to think of these options, I will admit Grin

gillybeanz · 07/03/2018 13:44

We didn't go out much when our dc were little, but we'd done a lot before having dc and are doing more now they are grown up/ older.
it wasn't important to us, but we do spend a lot of time together as our work means we are free most of the time.

MarshaBradyo · 07/03/2018 13:56

Is it really that different now to back when we went?

You’re still not at home without your stuff, in your own space - something I reckon even adults appreciate

Skype doesn’t change that

Lavenderdays · 07/03/2018 13:56

This nights out thing applies to us...we haven't been out together as a couple for years and I am not particularly happy with this; it would be lovely to have some time going out together as a couple. I was never at ease leaving my dc's under the age of 3 or 4 with an unknown babysitter and never managed to break into one of these babysitting circles...and with no extended family...so, it has been virtually impossible. We started going out once or twice when dd1 was old enough - to the theatre etc and for lunch during the day whilst she was at school... but then dd2 came along (7 year gap) and now dd2 has just turned 4.5 and I was in the process of trying to arrange a babysitter and then found out that I was pregnant again...so here we go again. It makes me feel sad as I say, I'd love to go out with my husband but we have just come to learn to accept it. What we do is enable each other to get out though - he has a hobby he enjoys and so do I - so we take it in turns to go out. On the brighter side dd1 is approaching 12...perhaps (with a cash incentive) we might have a built in babysitter eventually...and it means that when we do go out together...it is a special, special treat!

MarshaBradyo · 07/03/2018 13:57

Bugger this isn’t the boarding school thread is it Hmm

PoorYorick · 07/03/2018 14:00

Bugger this isn’t the boarding school thread is it hmm

I dunno...according to some people's views of working mothers, it might as well be!

MarshaBradyo · 07/03/2018 14:01

Arf
I can’t be bothered typing that out again in right place

MarshaBradyo · 07/03/2018 14:02

Now going to see what’s happening on this one

1ndig0 · 07/03/2018 14:05

Some would say it's not dissimilar, in a way, Marsha Grin. DH boarded from 7 which is unimaginable to me, but he didn't have anything else to compare it to. He didn't want that for his own kids though, thank god. In fact, he wanted for them to have a proper home life in a family.

There was no way any if mine were going to boarding school and I stated this from day 1 in no uncertain terms. Yet, I know people who do send their kids full boarding and think nothing if it.

gillybeanz · 07/03/2018 14:08

Marsha Grin

I can confirm that my dd who boards has her own space and most of her bedroom bar the furniture at school with her. They have their own furniture.
She fills our car every start and end of term, even her plants go.

1ndig0 · 07/03/2018 14:09

I know a woman who put her DD in full boarding at 9 because her and her DH were "bored of London" and the house prices are too high, so they fancied seeing if they could live the high life in Singapore! She had the cheek to ask me if I would be the "named adult" if her daughter was ever ill or needed collecting. Also, if I could have her for some half-terms and Bank Holidays. Total nutter! I've got 4 DC as it is.

MarshaBradyo · 07/03/2018 14:21

How obnoxious- Her poor dd

Gillybeanz I think it was your name that did it Grin I registered your post and thought must be a boarding thread

Life got a lot better with own room but that took until we were 17 Hmm also still have dreams about being allocated a crap dorm with the wrong people

Slight digression

gillybeanz · 07/03/2018 14:24

Marsha

Grin that's so funny, come and join us over there, I don't mind people not liking boarding, I used to be the same Thanks

cinderellawantstogototheball · 07/03/2018 14:27

Lavender - I was like that at first, as we had no family nearby. Then I was brave enough to try sitters.co.uk which was recommended by a friend - we've used them a few times now and they've all been LOVELY. They're all nursery nurses, teachers or teaching assistants or nannies and my DD has loved them. We had a sitter last week, and the disloyal little wretch has been asking for her to read her books again ever since! It's also particularly useful if you fancy a weekend in a naice hotel as they'll sit in your room whilst you enjoy dinner.

You might not like the idea, which is cool, but if you do, it's worth a look at the website - we've been out quite a lot more since I got on board with it!

1ndig0 · 07/03/2018 14:30

My DH is now mid 40s and he's never liked any fuss on his birthday. He puts up with it for the kids, but he's always been really uncomfortable. It was only when he was talking to his brother last year, they were joking about how he got sent away to school the day after his 7th birthday!! So basically, he felt like they were celebrating getting rid of him! Things like this can stay with you your whole life.

Trinity66 · 07/03/2018 14:32

Trinity- and that's great- I would have been happy to do that too if it was an option.
And presumably you didn't have to pay her either.

I didn't have to pay her but I did

KatharinaRosalie · 07/03/2018 14:36

But how does being a WOHM mean you have evening childcare?

You will of course need to find it. The never having an evening alone was, as I understood, in relation to some comments about not being comfortable leaving your children with 'strangers', ever.

Original poster
mammyoftwo · 07/03/2018 16:06

lavender you've made some interesting points

*the whole gps doing childcare free thing must vastly reduce stress/inconviance etc for mothers who choose to go back to paid work, I imagine (as a parent who regularly sees gps at baby/toddler groups I'm not sure this arrangement works well for many gps though, especially when there is more than one child involved)

  • Sadly lack of family nearby is a reality for many parents, so finding evening babysitters is a challenge (not all "regions" have mums clubs for informal babysitting, going to be brave and try one near us, bit nervous). Up til now dh and I have tag teamed to allow each other out to a hobby/see friends etc
OP posts:
Original poster
mammyoftwo · 07/03/2018 16:12

I base the above on seeing other mums' parents come to their house to childmind ie no extra commute to childminder etc

OP posts:
Dozer · 07/03/2018 16:39

Yes, obviously it helps hugely to have family support.

I think it’s illogical to fear and avoid using paid babysitters but not reciprocal arrangements! Actual (small) risks are probably similar.