TO BE ABSOLUTELY FURIOUS? FAMILY MEMBER PUT DS IN THE SNOW

[BLUESEAPARADISE]

Had a family member around this afternoon and they wanted to take DS (9) out in the snow. DS is developmentally 9-18 months old and has a list of health issues and sensory issues.
I told family member that DS struggled this morning when we went to the doctors as he hated the snow and the cold and said that I didn't want family member to take him outside as I knew it would cause problems. I then had to quickly leave to go back to the doctors to get DS prescription as it was then ready leaving DS with family member ( as I didn't want to take DS Out in the snow to go to the doctors!) when I returned I heard a child crying and screaming and quickly realised it was DS in the back garden with family member .. I rushed around the back to find DS stood crying, pointing to the house and Family Member gently chucking snow balls at his feet laughing and trying to get DS to make snowballs. I quickly stepped in and got DS inside and later spoke to Family member .. apparently I am being unreasonable and should " relax and not wrap him in cotton wool " as Family member just wanted to let DS explore the snow and experience it properly and that " DS will calm down and needs realise snow is ok in the end"

DS is currently hiding under his blanket feeling extremely sorry for himself and won't let anyone go near him 😢😭

AIBU? I told them that DS struggled with the snow this morning and that I didn't want him to go outside but they ignored me or do I need to stop " wrapping him in cotton wool" and let people try and introduce things to DS and let DS know it's okay to try new things?

The Family member isn't DS parent.

OP, I hope you swear profusely at the family member. Your poor boy :(

OP, what have professionals recommended as a strategy in similar situations?

I'm not at all familiar with SEN children and their sensory issues and I'm shocked and saddened that your ds was so distressed after being taken in the snow; withdrawing into himself and self harming.

My point being that your family member was also unaware of the possible meltdowns and sensory issues you son has? I understand you explained he didn't like the snow but just wonder if your family member completely underestimated how he'd react and has no understanding of his issues?
I can see how they might have got swept up in the idea of a child having fun in the snow. It's likely they weren't out in it long and surely would have brought him in when he was clearly distressed?

I'm not trying to excuse this but perhaps it's worth considering that the family member made a huge error of judgement through ignorance rather than malicious intent.

I'd be interested to hear if they've now apologised. This should have opened their eyes to the complexity of your son's issues.
You're definitely owed a sincere apology as is your son.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties he was crying loud enough to be heard round the corner and the family member was still throwing snowballs at then. Ignore the SN issue, if this was a child that you were looking after for 10 minutes, whose mum had said they were scared, would you honestly jist stand their laughing at their distress or think a reasonable person was.
As a bare minimum i'd consider them a bully

It's awful if they were laughing at them. Sorry, I didn't know that happened!
It would be sad if this event has caused irreparable damage to the relationship with their (eg) grandfather.

I think I could forgive it if there was a heartfelt apology and an assurance that something like this wouldn't happen again but as I said I know very little about SEN issues. It's not mentioned whether the family member had any knowledge either or was equipped to deal with his issues.

They could be a nasty bully or could have just made a stupid ill informed decision.

“...surely would have brought him in when he was clearly distressed? ”

This is the bit that seems to get ‘confused’ in some people’s heads unfortunately.

It may be obvious that a person is ‘clearly distressed’ by any compassionate and clear minded person, but add in sn and a dollop of pig headed egotistical self righteousness, then you end up with someone who isn’t interested in looking for subtle non verbal signs from a person unable to advocate for themselves.

So, I can imagine a situation like this happening, where someone puts their own need to be right above the needs of a vulnerable child.

It’s depressing. And it’s difficilt for nice people to imagine how it could happen because they simply don’t get how ordinary people’s priorities can become so warped. But they do, really very frequently.

Yes I didn't consider that someone could be so hell bent on proving themselves right they'd purposefully ignore any distress. I suppose only Op knows if her fm is this type of character. Someone like that would usually have form for being an arsehole.

It sounds more like this family member is invested in demonstrating that s/he is 'right' than in the wellbeing of the poor boy. I wonder if it's someone who has a history of bullying the rest of the family and/or contempt for OP, as well. People like that are often very, very invested in being 'normal' and will therefore behave with extreme cruelty (all dressed up in 'but it's for your own good, and I am right, and you have to fit in...) to anyone who shows any sign of being 'different'.

I hope the family set up is such that you can make sure this person never has unsupervised access to your DS again. Because s/he will continue bullying DS, and quite possibly introduce some sneaky cruelty into the mix (that can't be justified as 'introducing him to new things, but is just to make him cry) as a way of punishing him for being different and you for refusing to obey the family member.

I would be furious

You said don’t go in the snow. Ds doesn’t like it

Whole reason why you got family memeber tolook after while you went in the snow to doctors - so that your ds didn’t have to go out in the snow

I am assuming it’s a sibling who did this but makes no difference

You said no to the snow

Not only does family member take out in snow - they torment your ds by throwing snow at them and ignore his plea to go inside by pointing

I'm fuming on behalf of your DS how bloody dare they do that to him that's paramount to torture for him it's no wonder he's been self harming, poor guy. This family member is not only wilfully ignorant of SEN and sensory issues when they've had 9 years to educate themselves which is bad enough as they wouldn't have ever entertained that thought if they had but they went against your instructions which is the worst thing about this all to try to prove you wrong but now it's you and your DS who have to deal with the aftermath of their selfish actions. I'd let them know the mental anguish they've put your DS through and that they will never have unsupervised access with him again.

Your poor little boy. That's awful.

I hope you've told your family member how distressed he is as a result of their actions. You can't let them take care of him again.

Poor you and your DS. I have a child with some of your DS' issues and I know how he can hold on to them and turn them into much bigger fears. He's still afraid of the shower attachment years after something happened with it (I didn't realise how hot it was for a moment too long and my DS couldn't tell me. I still feel awful).
If you have someone who can watch your child it is such a lifeline. None of my family can or they're not willing so in your situation I'd be stuck trying to drag sick, sad child out to get that prescription. I'd be unwilling to let that help go without at least trying to get them to understand that he was traumatised for a while afterwards and that they must take your instructions seriously or you can't trust them with him. If they sound like they get it - and you'll know whether they really have the capacity for this or not - give them another go, but on the understanding that they have to prove you can trust them with him.

SGB has a point.
There was a thread on here some while ago about a child who had a walnut allergy, anaphylactic. A family member was so determined to prove that the mother was wrong and over-reactive, that they gave the child a walnut whip and nearly killed her.
This isn't that bad, but it's the same mind-set.

Thankyou everyone for your opinions

Family member came around today and we had a serious chat about what happened and I said that I wasn't happy that they wet behind my back as it upset DS ( after I told hi. It would!) and that as a result my DS really struggled for some time.. family member apologised for his actions however now Ds won't go hear him ( which is understandable!) so I think this may take a lot of time to resolve fully and even then won't be leaving them alone together.

How is DS doing now Blue?

If the family member is just stubborn and ignorant rather than a bully, and genuinely loves your DS, then maybe he will learn a necessary lesson from the fact that DS is now avoiding him. If DS' distress upsets the family member, then that's not a bad thing. However, if he tries to force DS to interact, or gets angry that DS demonstrates fear and dislike of him, then it will prove even further that he can't be trusted with DS.

Yes how is he now? Glad to hear the family member has apologised.

Thankyou everyone he is a lot better now the snow has melted and he will now allow us to pull the curtains!