TO BE ABSOLUTELY FURIOUS? FAMILY MEMBER PUT DS IN THE SNOW

[BLUESEAPARADISE]

Had a family member around this afternoon and they wanted to take DS (9) out in the snow. DS is developmentally 9-18 months old and has a list of health issues and sensory issues.
I told family member that DS struggled this morning when we went to the doctors as he hated the snow and the cold and said that I didn't want family member to take him outside as I knew it would cause problems. I then had to quickly leave to go back to the doctors to get DS prescription as it was then ready leaving DS with family member ( as I didn't want to take DS Out in the snow to go to the doctors!) when I returned I heard a child crying and screaming and quickly realised it was DS in the back garden with family member .. I rushed around the back to find DS stood crying, pointing to the house and Family Member gently chucking snow balls at his feet laughing and trying to get DS to make snowballs. I quickly stepped in and got DS inside and later spoke to Family member .. apparently I am being unreasonable and should " relax and not wrap him in cotton wool " as Family member just wanted to let DS explore the snow and experience it properly and that " DS will calm down and needs realise snow is ok in the end"

DS is currently hiding under his blanket feeling extremely sorry for himself and won't let anyone go near him 😢😭

AIBU? I told them that DS struggled with the snow this morning and that I didn't want him to go outside but they ignored me or do I need to stop " wrapping him in cotton wool" and let people try and introduce things to DS and let DS know it's okay to try new things?

The Family member isn't DS parent.

Hmm I notice they didn't wait for you to get back and suggest it. So were they deliberately going against your instructions? Or did they misunderstand for some reason. If they were deliberately going against you because they think they know best I would be quite annoyed.

That is very cruel and I would tell the family member to not be so evil. Then probably never speak to them again, or at least be very distance.

Oh poor little boy! It sounds like this family member is one of those wilfully ignorant types who think that autism/developmental delays etc are down to a combination of poor parenting and naughtiness and that 'we never had all these special needs in my day' so s/he is basically not to be trusted with your DS unsupervised. Yes, s/he probably means well in that s/he genuinely believes that a bit of robust pull-yourself-together 'jollying along' will work, but it's still not on, given that you are his mum and you will have been advised by professionals.

Thankyou everyone I am so upset that the family member went behind my back and went against what I said especially when I told them how he was this morning! 😭

This morning DS absolutely hated the snow and that was with him sat in his buggy.. so to be stood in it with someone chucking snow balls at his feet makes me feel awful!

what a complete cockend i'd be fuming.

DS is 11 and has ASD with lots of sensory issues, he HATES the snow and the wet and the cold and he's emotionally delayed to about 5/6yo and I would never do something like that to him.

Think your relative needs to not be allowed unsupervised access and possibly smacking with a clue-by-four about your DS's conditions.

Put it this way. My 14 month old went out in her snow suit and boots and mittens and hat, crawled around for a bit but as soon as it started snowing, she hated it on her face and cried. I immediately brought her inside. I didn't throw snowballs at her feet to try and get her to like it

Yanbu at all. Your relative is a dick.

YANBU. I would think twice about leaving him with them again.

It's MIL isn't it?

Absolutely not being unreasonable.

They're making a moral judgement on your parenting ("wrapping him up in cotton wool"! the NERVE of some people who don't/won't/can't be arsed to grasp what it means to have sensory issues!).

That family member needs to listen to you and your DS.

Stand your ground OP.

@Itsbecauseimaleo can I suggest you read the OP's original post again

The poor boy has developmental delays. Or are you the sadistic family member?

I read the original post, I just don't think there was any harm meant. And no I'm not the family member as I said in my earlier post maybe it'd be good to introduce him to new things gradually. If I was in her shoes I'd be annoyed to but I'd let it go as most people try their best to include kids with special needs. I don't think it came from a nasty place at all but I understand her frustration

itsbecauseimaleo you obviously don’t understand what it is to have a child with sensory issues, I suggest you go away and read up on it then you’ll be in a position to give advice that’s not patronising.

It doesn't matter what the family member thinks. They were told and chose to ignore and imo deliberately went with their own view sneakily while OP was out. It's a trust issue, and I wouldn't get over it easily.

Is that how the family think about your treatment of your DS ?
You obviously trust this person to look after your DS so l am wondering if there is a grain of truth in their words? Be honest with yourself and think about it. Do you wrap him in cotton wool? Only you can answer that OP .

I would be literally baying for blood.

But... how can you introduce a 9mo to things gradually. This is like dumping a 9 month old in the snow

I can understand taking him out in the snow, but as soon as it became clear he wasn’t happy, any normally empathetic person would have taken him back in. Thank goodness you saw it in action so you know what went on.

But even if the family member does think that Blue wraps her DS up in cotton wool - it doesn't necessarily mean that she does, it could equally mean that the family member doesn't have a good insight into DS's needs and sensory issues - it wouldn't be the first time that a family member has had a "I know best" "I don't really believe in sensory issues" etc - obviously only Blue will know if in general the family member is supportive and just went off kilter today or if this is a pattern of denying her son's needs. Either way... the family member has done him/herself no favours by going behind Blue's back and hopefully at least will reflect on how her DS reacted and spend some time thinking about their role in this.

somegirlwithabraid.wordpress.com/2018/02/28/autistic-moments-aversions-and-sensitivities/

This article is worth reading for anyone who thinks "there's no harm" in pushing someone with sensory issues into any situation that they are not comfortable with.

Oh, and if your relative thought there was a chance you wouldn't mind, they wouldn't have waited until you went out to take him in the snow.

Your family member is an arse. You specifically told them no, trusted them whilst you popped out and they went ahead and did what they thought best. It infuriates me that most people wouldn’t ignore a parent over an anaphylactic reaction, or a physical disability, but somehow traumatising a child with an ASD is ok, because ‘ they have to get used to things’ No, that’s abusive behaviour.

I'd be furious. These people who think they know better than the parents! I hope he's feeling happier soon.

Omg the bastard, I am so angry for your DS 😡
I hope he is feeling comforted and safer this evening and doesn't have to be around that stupid, evil creature again. I hope YOU are ok too, as mum to a DD with ASD I know that we feel these things so keenly and despair when we people we trust/love just don't listen/understand/believe us.
Hugs to you and yourDS. Please don't let that person round your DS again, in case he remembers and is scared of them now. Horrible individual, so sorry you both went through that xxxx

What is the problem with him not liking snow anyway? I don't like it much, it is cold and wet and soggy, and I like it best when I am inside in the warm and looking at it through the window. I would not take kindly to someone lobbing snowballs at me in some warped attempt to get me to enjoy it! Your son is entitled to a preference, and he doesn't like snow, simple as that. Your family member (was it your Dad?) is being an idiot and a bit of a bully as well. YANBU!