TO BE ABSOLUTELY FURIOUS? FAMILY MEMBER PUT DS IN THE SNOW

[BLUESEAPARADISE]

Had a family member around this afternoon and they wanted to take DS (9) out in the snow. DS is developmentally 9-18 months old and has a list of health issues and sensory issues.
I told family member that DS struggled this morning when we went to the doctors as he hated the snow and the cold and said that I didn't want family member to take him outside as I knew it would cause problems. I then had to quickly leave to go back to the doctors to get DS prescription as it was then ready leaving DS with family member ( as I didn't want to take DS Out in the snow to go to the doctors!) when I returned I heard a child crying and screaming and quickly realised it was DS in the back garden with family member .. I rushed around the back to find DS stood crying, pointing to the house and Family Member gently chucking snow balls at his feet laughing and trying to get DS to make snowballs. I quickly stepped in and got DS inside and later spoke to Family member .. apparently I am being unreasonable and should " relax and not wrap him in cotton wool " as Family member just wanted to let DS explore the snow and experience it properly and that " DS will calm down and needs realise snow is ok in the end"

DS is currently hiding under his blanket feeling extremely sorry for himself and won't let anyone go near him 😢😭

AIBU? I told them that DS struggled with the snow this morning and that I didn't want him to go outside but they ignored me or do I need to stop " wrapping him in cotton wool" and let people try and introduce things to DS and let DS know it's okay to try new things?

The Family member isn't DS parent.

I also see a huge difference in my friends son who has ASD and is one of four children compared to another friends son of the same age with ASD who is an only child. He is far more rigid with his likes and dislikes and cannot seem to cope with change or scenarios as he hasn’t ever had to really due to his single child status - Isadora2007, every child with ASD is NOT the same. That one seems more rigid than the other likely has absolutely nothing to do with having siblings.

:(
Yanbu

This would be like turning the telly up as loud as it goes and making my suspected autistic son, with GDD, sit in the same room as it. He would scream, cry and be in physical pain, but that's fine according to itsbecause since you know, that is apparently how you introduce an SEN child to new things.

“I also see a huge difference in my friends son who has ASD and is one of four children compared to another friends son of the same age with ASD who is an only child. He is far more rigid with his likes and dislikes and cannot seem to cope with change or scenarios as he hasn’t ever had to really due to his single child status.”

You can’t compare two kids with ASD. I know kids with more than one sibling who are utterly unable to cope with change, noise, the unexpected, loads of things. Your reasoning sounds like another version of only-child stereotyping!

Your family member is a Twat and I'd be telling them so,he's still a baby no matter how tall he is what size clothes he wears and I'm sure no one would think it was okay to make a 9-18 month old stay in the snow whilst they're screaming to go indoors.

I hope your DS is feeling much better soon bless him.

Perhaps it would be good for your son to introduce him to new things gradually?

Maybe it would, but this is not what happened and surely the process of introducing him to new things should be overseen by someone with a full understanding of his needs, his ability to tolerate new things and an utter commitment to ensuring he is comfortable with the pace. Not someone who ignores the advice of the person who knows him best and insists on doing things their way even when it is clear that it's having the opposite effect to the one intended.

What an idiot. Clearly thought they knew more about parenting your child then you do. I would send them a message along the lines "just so you know, x hours after you decided to take dc outside and throw snow at them when they clearly wanted to go inside theyre still hiding under a blanket". Id also threaten to shove any spare cotton wool up their @%$#!!

For all those who are saying it’s like putting a baby or a toddler out in the snow, no, it’s not. It’s like forcing a 9 year old boy who cannot explain that he is unhappy or cold or angry or sad.

OP YANBU, bang out of order on behalf of your family member.

There is absolutely no way I’d be letting the family member have unsupervised access again

Not ok. Breach of trust and deeply unkind.

I hope he lets you close enough to give him a hug. Yanbu. Poor little lad.

Family member can fuck off to Mars, frankly.

Oh come on it’s just snow. Kids will get cold and cry. I put my ten month old crawling in the snow (albeit wearing appropriate baby winter clothes), it’s not a big deal. He may be developmentally delayed but he’s still a kid and should know snow isn’t dangerous. Why get so upset? They meant no harm. Let it go. Or just don’t leave your ds witg the family member again. Your call

Why can't you tell us who 'family member' is? To understand better.

As I said, it was an absolute shit thing to do regardless but huge difference between aunt that lives 3000miles away and doesn't understand your son's needs versus aunt that has witnessed your struggles and sees him from time to time.

Vanessatiger
Oh come on it’s just snow. Kids will get cold and cry*
But OP had already established that her son didn't like it. Ands it's only just snow if you know what snow is, not if its jist awful cold wet stuff that you don't like.

I put my ten month old crawling in the snow, it’s not a big deal
So I can come and throw snow balls at your child whilst they scream and cry and you're totally ok with that? Especially whilst you aren't there to comfort them?

He may be developmentally delayed but he’s still a kid and should know snow isn’t dangerous
He knows he doesn't like it, that should be enough. He doesn't need to go in it, he doesn't need to like it.

Why get so upset?
Well I'll come round to your house, send you out then do something that I know will upset your child and instead of comforting them when they cry I'll laugh and upset them some more. You ok with that?

They meant no harm. Let it go
At best they thought they knew best and blatantly waited for OP to be gone to do it. They also seemed to take pleasure in his upset. You happy letting someone who laugh at your baby crying near your child?

Have you any idea what its like trying to parent a child with sensory issues?? this family member could have set this boy back massively by forcing him into a situation where he felt unsafe and unprotected.

Even if tiu can't imagine a 9 yo being terrified of the snow, surely you can muster up some ducking empathy!!

Vanessatiger you literally don’t have a clue.

This isn’t a 10 month old we’re talking about. This is a 9 year old lad with evidently complex needs who has a devepmental age of 9-18 months.

Ergo he CANNOT be compared to a NT 10 month old. And any attempt to do so is insanely ridiculous and disrespectful.

@Vanessatiger What's your address? I've got a spare 'parent of the year' award and it's not even the end of 2018 yet but you've already won!!!

Haha the mumsnet brigade on guard today! Oh ok..
You just wrap your kids in cotton wool then.
It’s probably the grandmother or grandfather the OP is talking about, plus if she’s so upset the first time why leave him at all with the family member.

I don’t believe in wrapping kids in cotton wool sn or not.

I exit this thread. You guys are way loopy... bye bye

Oh Vanessa, Vanessa, Vanessa

You don’t have any experience of developmental delay, do you?

I go to bed, wake up and have missed all the drama. Vanessa is the proud parent of a 10 month old and thinks she can put her two penneth in about a 9 yo with the developmental age of a baby. I have an actual 9 yo and even I’m not that stupid. When dd was 10 months, I admit I didn’t have a clue about sen, sensory issues etc etc because I knew no one with it. Although I now know dd does have some sensory issues and so do I - and my mother was horrible to me because of them so I thought there was something “wrong” with me.

Your poor boy. Amazed at Vaness's comments, the wind chill here was awful today. No wonder he was upset.

Like you “Mummy” I (mercifully) know no one who has direct experience of coping with a family member with SEN etc. My dc are 3 and 7 months. But with the boys being so young, I have little doubt that this will change.

But surely most normal folk would read the op, realise that the op needs a bit of support and perhaps show a bit of kindness? Or empathy? Or even just basic humanity?

I don’t understand how people can come on here bleating on about being a bloody super parent when they clearly have neither a clue nor a heart.

Argh, bold fail Mummy

ohfourfox. You’ll meet children with Sen at school. There’s a boy in dds class, who has 1-2-1 support for example. So dds learning as well. She does occasionally say stuff such as he got a reward for getting 3 out of 6 spellings (when she has double the words to learn and needs to get all right) and I can explain to her that for him this is a massive achievement.

These days, I have noticed children, who cannot go to mainstream school and adults around with learning difficulties are much more visible. I assume this is because they’re no longer shut away as an embarrassment to the world.

I totally agree with your post. It feels like the person is saying they’d not have those issues if they had the same child. It’s magical thinking but not in a good way.

I have a niece with down. So I do know. Bleh

Vanessa
That’s nice. But you still know fuck all.