Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be refusing to travel in the snow tomorrow?

367 replies

BoyMeetsWorld · 01/03/2018 18:34

So tomorrow we are meant to be driving 4 hours across country to get the ferry abroad to a very special birthday party of DHs family.

I understand why it's so important to him.

But the roads outside are literally lethal and the forecast tomorrow is worse.

We would be travelling with 2 small children.

DH is adamant that I'm being ridiculous...that we are driving out of the bad weather and it's much better over in Dover, plus we'll be on mostly motorways.

I keep saying he can't account for other drivers, the kids are going to freeze if there are ferry delays or motorway accidents and overall I just think it's bloody dangerous. My mum's begging us not to go.

Obviously I support him going if he really feels he must. But I really really don't want the children- and therefore me - to go.

AIBU ?

OP posts:
PyongyangKipperbang · 01/03/2018 22:28

Leave it a week until he is over his initial disappoinment and insist on talking it over. Explain how you feel very upset that he blamed you when you didnt create the snow or his fathers crap attitude. And then see if you can get him to agree to counselling (in the first instance, he probably needs more indepth therapy long term) to deal with his feelings about his father and why he seems to needs his dads approval so much so that he would put his own children at risk. No point talking yet as he wont accept it but once its calmed down he will probably see how dangerous his suggestion was and be more amenable to a discussion.

QOD · 01/03/2018 22:29

I’m near Dover. There’s sod all snow currently the Dover side of Ashford.
However I’m told Ashford up toward London has been bad. Main roads are currently clear but side roads of course an issue

Expecting snow from tomorrow afternoon

smudgedlipstick · 01/03/2018 22:30

There is absolutely no snow in Dover

PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks · 01/03/2018 22:30

Definitely, definitely don't travel in the snow tomorrow.

PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks · 01/03/2018 22:31

Kent's covered in snow at the moment!

Huldas · 01/03/2018 22:34

Op to help you feel better, here are the examples from my experience, both of which I wondered if I was BU due to head fuckery from my dh and ils:

9 months preggo and sick, pressure to travel 2 hours to see ils, could not fit seat belt at that point and was told to lie down on back seat (not safe, and didn't want to risk going into labor 2 hours from my midwife, stayed home. Sulking and silent treatment from dh

Also 9 months, extreme pressure to commit to travel overseas which would have meant either heavily preggo or with a week old newborn. Refused for obvious reasons, accused of being alarmist and negative when listed reasons (what if birth was c sec? Can't fly when 9 months preggo. Even if fly (ils suggested disguising pregnancy to sneak into plane ffs), what if go into labor in foreign country?

The campaign they mounted both times was unsane. I felt guilty, unreasonable etc. But reading this, do you think I was? Bet not. Extend the same understanding to yourself love Smile

pallisers · 01/03/2018 22:35

He really is a bit thick if he thinks the laws of physics won't apply to him because he needs to go to a birthday party. And OP, don't for a moment take any responsibility for him missing the party. A major storm did that. All you did was stop him making a fool of himself at best and killing himself at worst on the motorways.

I'd be a bit sad too if I missed a 100th birthday party but I wouldn't risk my life and that of others to get there.

I live in the northeast of the USA - we take weather seriously here in conditions like yours and we at least have the gritters and ploughs and experience to make it relatively safer. I heard a guy on the radio one time saying he was trying to drive in to work in similar conditions and was stopped by state troopers. he told them he was an anesthesiologist trying to get into work. They asked was he doing emergency or elective cover. When he said elective, they made him turn back and said those operations can be cancelled.

LoniceraJaponica · 01/03/2018 22:36

“Does no one in your DH’s family have an iPhone or iPad so you can all Facetime”

Loving the assumption that everyone owns an Apple product Hmm
We are an Android household and use Skype. Apple aren’t the only provider of hardware Hmm

Being a confident driver, and driving a 4 x 4 doesn’t necessarily mean he would make it to his destination. You can only drive as fast as the vehicle in front of you, and if it isn’t moving neither are you. In any case isn’t operation stack being implemented just now?

A well known phrase in our family is “don’t guilt trip me, you know it won’t work”

LineysShanks · 01/03/2018 22:42

There is absolutely no snow in Dover

Ah yes, that'll be Dover, Texas.

LineysShanks · 01/03/2018 22:45

Huldas, my own family's mantra was always 'well it can't be that bad!' Like that changed the laws of thermodynamics or something.

WonderLime · 01/03/2018 22:53

I am furious with your DH. He is trying to make you feel guilty for protecting your DC. That is abhorrent!

I don’t know how you are staying so calm about it. I would have several choice words to be honest (but my DP would never risk ou DS’ life because he has daddy issues).

Huldas · 01/03/2018 22:54

LineysShanksGrinmy ils seem to think they can bend the universe to their will like that also

LakieLady · 01/03/2018 22:55

Thank goodness he's come to his senses.

Now he needs to behave like an adult and stop being a shit.

ButteredScone · 01/03/2018 23:04

Just keep repeating: ‘you are welcome to go, it is me and the children who aren’t going’.

He is the boss of him. You are the boss of you. His behaviour was unreasonable but I get why you are rattled. It is odd when someone is so blinded by selfishness.

wrongway · 01/03/2018 23:09

I love the bit 'he doesn't want to drive on his own now'

you know, because it's much nicer to have the company of your wife and kids when you're stuck in a snow drift for 17 hours with hypothermia and no petrol.

I know you say he's not normally like this, but seriously he is showing lots of red flags for emotionally abusive behaviour. Forcing you to pack your bags and now making you take the blame and blanking you are all signs. Have you read any of the posts about emotional abuse in Relationships?

Also, not that you need any more justification, but if you were to get stranded and the police came to your aid, or similar, it could be said you were putting your children in danger or being neglectful. Raised eyebrows and possibly worse..... a tabloid would have a field day!

BrendasUmbrella · 01/03/2018 23:16

I'm in Dover, hi! There is currently a patchy dusting of snow on the ground. To give you the full report, we had snow yesterday then it just about melted away, more "thin" snow this morning that just gathered in areas where it was blown by the wind, but it is a bit icy and slippy on some of the roads according to my food delivery driver, and there is snow forecast tomorrow pretty much all day. Plus you've got the snow between here and where you live. I wouldn't risk it...

pallisers · 01/03/2018 23:17

If her were my husband I'd ask him to think carefully about how fragile his relationship with his father is that he would even consider dragging his children out into a snow emergency and a potentially dangerous situation just to make sure he doesn't annoy him.

He has issues with his dad which is why you are getting it in the neck for being the voice of reason about travelling. Don't let that stick to you. Tell him straight that no reasonable person would take their children on such a journey tomorrow and he needs to ask himself why he is worrying about his father instead of prioritising himself and his children.

BrendasUmbrella · 01/03/2018 23:17

Oh never mind, I didn't rtft because I was excited to give some information about Dover Grin Good you have a resolution!

UnRavellingFast · 01/03/2018 23:24

However good a driver your DH thinks he is, you are at the mercy of other drivers, the changing conditions and queues for hours with young kids. What's he thinking? No way would I do this. Stand your ground OP. Today driving to collect my kids from school, I was doing about 5 mph on quiet road in town, turning into another quiet road and my car skated. There was a dad with two toddlers on a sled on the pavement. I caught his eye as i skidded, with no way of controlling what would happen next. Luckily my skid stopped well away from the pavement but I stopped after that and cried my eyes out at the thought of what could have happened. Then I saw the story about the 7 year old killed by a skidding car. We don't have the tyres, we are not used to the weather, it's the other drivers your dh should consider even if he thinks he's no danger.

Blinkingblimey · 01/03/2018 23:30

He says you're in Hampshire so 'not badly affected' but I'm sure I saw on the news at 10 earlier about police declaring a major crisis on the A31 which is that neck of the woods.....maybe point that one out to him?!!

Butchmanda · 01/03/2018 23:31

My worst scenario is having something important planned which coincides with bad weather. Disappointing but he has to be sensible. It would probably be fine but there are risks as you know and he needs to be aware of.

BrendasUmbrella · 01/03/2018 23:35

Communicate with family and ask if you can have another gathering once the weather clears. Were you the only ones coming from the UK?

But as someone said on the last page, we're supposed to be getting full on snow tomorrow/Saturday, and I really doubt you'd make it to the ferry, also the wind has been awful the past few days and if it keeps up the crossing will be terrible, then you'd have to deal with snow in France too. Really really not worth it...

UnRavellingFast · 01/03/2018 23:38

Just seen your update. He's sulking about his completely mad and stupid stubbornness and you feel you need to blame yourself. I feel so bad for you because that was me for years until I recognised what was happening to me. Well done for standing your ground and do your best to rise above his fuckwittery. I'm glad you and your kids will be safe tomorrow.

WunWegWunDarWun · 02/03/2018 06:48

He adores his DS? Don't you have two children?

JollyJuniper · 02/03/2018 06:59

I've been on the ferry crossing to Calais in bad weather and it was awful, people were falling over and being seasick everywhere. There were children on board who genuinely thought they were going to die. I wouldn't put my dc through it. Dont let him blame you. It's the weather conditions. Its convenient for him to act like you stopped him as then you're the bad guy. Actually youre the good guy. He sounds awful. I bet if you dig a little deeper he's controlling and manipulative in other, possibly little ways. They always are.

I also got the impression he has more than one child? But he only adores ds?