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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be refusing to travel in the snow tomorrow?

367 replies

BoyMeetsWorld · 01/03/2018 18:34

So tomorrow we are meant to be driving 4 hours across country to get the ferry abroad to a very special birthday party of DHs family.

I understand why it's so important to him.

But the roads outside are literally lethal and the forecast tomorrow is worse.

We would be travelling with 2 small children.

DH is adamant that I'm being ridiculous...that we are driving out of the bad weather and it's much better over in Dover, plus we'll be on mostly motorways.

I keep saying he can't account for other drivers, the kids are going to freeze if there are ferry delays or motorway accidents and overall I just think it's bloody dangerous. My mum's begging us not to go.

Obviously I support him going if he really feels he must. But I really really don't want the children- and therefore me - to go.

AIBU ?

OP posts:
LineysShanks · 01/03/2018 21:21

OP has now said what the issue is. Her DH is required by her DH's father to present his children and wife at this family gathering.

That's why he won't go alone.

Squirrelpatrol2174 · 01/03/2018 21:22

I went to work this morning. My boss phoned in and said he wasn't coming in and we could all go home at lunchtime before the blizzard arrived. He said see you Monday so we all took that as no work for us tomo. Besides we've had four inches of snow this afternoon and it's still snowing. The roads will be a mess tomo.

thewavesofthesea · 01/03/2018 21:24

I’m a GP, and this morning I was so grateful that people were sensible and stayed off the roads. It meant that I, and other workers who need to be at work in the NHS and emergency services could get through, albeit slowly. Just a thought.

YouCantGetHereFromThere · 01/03/2018 21:25

Which I'm very relieved about but also feel shocking and he's now working and not speaking to me.

Poor babba, being forced to actually put his kids' safety first.

He'll get over it.

BewareOfDragons · 01/03/2018 21:27

You didn't make it snow.

You didn't put ice on the roads.

You didn't issue the amber warnings for your route.

You are putting the children's safety and well-being first, like you're supposed to. You are their mother.

He has lost sight of this.

It's not your fault OR HIS fault that his father has been a shitty and indifferent father, that he's still trying to engage in spite of his shittiness and indifference. But that is clearly the real issue here. He needs to stop. Yes, it's sad, but he needs to stop. And stop taking it out on you.

DixieTrix · 01/03/2018 21:28

Tbh I'd struggle to get past this, with all his carry on I would have lost every bit of respect I had for him.

LineysShanks · 01/03/2018 21:30

Indeed. It's his father he needs to be pissed off with.

kally195 · 01/03/2018 21:31

Glad you're not risking it OP. I live 30 minutes up the coast from Dover (you'd have driven past me to get there). It's already blowing a hooley out there. We aren't going anywhere tomorrow - forecast says high chance of snow overnight and all day tomorrow. Ice as well. If it gets really bad, they shut the roads into Dover as they are treacherous in the ice/snow (all very steep descents). The ferries will be all over the place - I work at Calais ferry port and the snow and up to 50mph wind forecast for here and Calais today and tomorrow will cause issues.

Rainbowsandflowers78 · 01/03/2018 21:34

Oh he must really want to see his dad and for his dad to see his kids - I get his motive now. But doesn’t excuse it - he should be cross with his dad not you.
See if you can get his dad to visit you soon as you’ll not see him this weekend.

Bluesmartiesarebest · 01/03/2018 21:34

Your DH sounds very controlling and unpleasant. What kind of man puts their wife and children's safety at risk for the sake of keeping up family appearances for someone who he never sees? You say he's now being nasty towards you - that officially makes him an arsehole.

Does he have any redeeming qualities?

Original poster
BoyMeetsWorld · 01/03/2018 21:35

Kally it's Calais we were meant to be crossing to...that was my other issue, besides the roads, that the crossing could be delayed and we'd freeze waiting or it would be very rough but he just kept showing me things he'd found that says it wouldn't be.

Even now he firmly believes the roads on that particular route would have been fine and the crossing too. I think he thinks I've completely lost my mind and just sabotaged his chance to see his dad for the sake of it.

But I just keep telling myself I did what I had to do. The whole thing has just given me a really nasty feeling inside.

OP posts:
IhaveChillyToes · 01/03/2018 21:35

Glad you are not putting yourself and your children in danger

I too think it is his pride that has been hurt cos he wanted to show that you and your children were "under his spell" so the idea of him going alone cos his wife has said no isn't something he wants to let his father see IMHO

Original poster
BoyMeetsWorld · 01/03/2018 21:38

Honestly he's not controlling and unpleasant at all. If anything, it's generally my endless stupid anxieties that control our relationship and he's incredibly tolerant of them. I've not really seen him be so stubborn about something so obviously stupid before, particularly involving his DS who he adores. He does have issues around his dad, who left when he was very young, now lives abroad and he rarely sees. So even though it's inexcusable I'm flagging it to that. It's rattled me though.

OP posts:
LadyLoveYourWhat · 01/03/2018 21:41

It's not great the other side of The Channel either, there are amber warnings in France too.

www.meteoalarm.eu/en_UK/0/0/FR-France.html

another20 · 01/03/2018 21:42

Well done OP. You have been the sensible one here and protected all your family.

However this is nothing to do with snow and ice or you BU - it has everything to do with significant unresolved issues with his DF.

Your DH needs serious counselling to sort out his FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) around his relationship with his DF, that is so extreme he makes irrational, obtuse decisions that put his DW and DCs at risk physically and undermine fundamentally his marriage.

This week it is a row over snow - another week it will be something else. It's got nothing to do with the current detail/issue - its always all about his unresolved issues with his DF.

Huldas · 01/03/2018 21:42

Op I agree with one of the pps, if he can't stop sulking he needs to go elsewhere until he can be civil. Or can you get away from him, use the money you have saved by not going to take you and the DC's to a nice nearby hotel? Spend the weekend having movies and snacks?

shouldwestayorshouldwego · 01/03/2018 21:43

How long is his father there for? The weather is looking a bit warmer for Saturday, you might still make it for some of the weekend. Wise not to travel tomorrow the weather is too unpredictable at the moment.

expatinscotland · 01/03/2018 21:43

He needs to grow the fuck up.

Huldas · 01/03/2018 21:46

Oh and another20 is right on the money. You are in for years of this until he sorts it out, or you lose all interest in the marriage and threaten to leave. I am a living example of this.

kally195 · 01/03/2018 21:46

The Met Office have issued gale warnings - force 8 rising to drive 9 for the Dover shipping forecast. P&O ferries already have delays of 90 minutes. I'm posting the links for you - I find it hard to see how your DG could argue with this. This will mean not only a bumpy crossing, but delays as it is very tricky for the boats to berth. It's also not unknown for the port of Dover to close.

Link for gale warnings: www.metoffice.gov.uk/mobile/marine/gale-warnings

Link for shipping forecast for next 24 hours:

www.metoffice.gov.uk/mobile/marine/shipping-forecast#dover

kally195 · 01/03/2018 21:50

Gotta love autocorrect for stupid typos... Anyway, as a PP has points out there are also severe weather warnings in place for pretty much the whole of northern France. It was snowing and very windy in Calais when I left this morning. And absolutely freezing - about -6 with a windchill of about -17.

Missingstreetlife · 01/03/2018 21:51

Ferry will be hell. The sea is frozen, yes the sea is frozen at Isle of Wight. The weather may improve, in a day or two, then he can take you to see his dad.
Thank him for seeing sense.

kally195 · 01/03/2018 21:58

Oh, and this is Kent Police's advice:

www.kent.police.uk/news/policing-news/0218/adverse-weather/

I'm intrigued as to where he is finding anything which suggests that all will be ok....

Huldas · 01/03/2018 22:07

It is lovely that people are finding links for the op but I don't think her trying to prove to her dh that her stance is reasonable will be productive. The short point is no one had the right to force anyone else to go against their better judgement, it is disrespectful and I am sure if the situation was reversed the op would not treat her dh the way he is treating her.

GabsAlot · 01/03/2018 22:10

hes being an arse if his father wont come to you thats him being inthe wrong not you

oh and to another pp thats a myth about car insurance not being valid although i still wouldnt go

could he not have changed it to sat or sun?