To be a bit annoyed with friend but still feel sad for her?

[AllThePlants]

Let me preface by saying that I totally get that infertility is an awful rollercoaster. By contrast, we conceived DD on our first try, DS on our second try. I am lucky. One of my closest friends has been TTC for 4 years and has only just got round to the IVF referral but I understand that she’s been having pretty constant treatments and some surgery too. I don’t like to ask too much but it can’t be too dire if she hasn’t been having IVF but I could be mistaken. She’s also said she’s not willing to adopt either so guess she’s pinning her hopes on the treatment working.

For about the past 18 months she has gone quite silent on me. She used to be a very supportive friend but I now feel like she shows no interest in my life or kids. I know it’s trivial but she never likes any of OMG pics on Instagram or enquiries about them beyond the basic “how are you all?” Via text.

I guess I miss her but AIBU to feel
Slightly resentful though? I just feel like when she has her baby I won’t be able to just start pretending she’s shown little interest in my kids. I know that makes me sound awful. Her life is otherwise good, lovely husband and they have a fair amount of money (which I’m not jealous of but just for context). She’s got a lot going for her I just wish she didn’t make me feel bad just for having kids.

Eugh I’m losing patience now.

Wonder if that's how someone going through fertility treatment might feel too....

*I know it makes me sound awful.
*
Yes, you sound completely lacking in empathy for someone who is going through one of the worst things imaginable. Why don't you extract your head from your own bubble and put yourself in your friend's shoes, even if just for a few minutes?

I have two wonderful kids that were conceived naturally however my youngest has significant learning disabillities and severe autism I find it hard too see on Facebook , friends talking about there neurotypical children meeting milestones my child night never meet so usually I don't comment on their statuses its a self preservation thing , think yourself luck op.

Wow this has really descended into an awful thread. There are some really hurtful posts to the OP from people who have very limited information.

I actually think your friend in being very sensible minding her own mental health going through an extremely tough experience of infertility and keeping her distance where she needs to. That is absolutely ok for her to do but quite rightly from your perspective it is shit. That is ok to feel that too. Often in life we hit bumps in the road where friendships deviate for whatever reasons and it is ok for both parties to not be ok about that, to be sad and frustrated that circumstances beyond control have impacted on a great friendship.

So you don’t like to ask about her situation, or really even u derstand where she is, or what the process and the likely outcomes are, but your pissed she doesn’t like a FB photo? I think that this is something that you can’t fix. I don’t think either of you will be able to see the others perspective. You have everything she wants. She obviously can’t seem to look past that and focus on your friendship. You don’t have any concept of what she’s going through. At most, I’d send a message. That you’re sorry you have fallen out of touch, and that you wish things had and were different. That you would like to resume the closeness of the friendship, but if she can’t, then you wish her all the best. I wouldn’t be waiting around until she is potentially successful with IVF- as you’d probably resent understandable, as you e hinted at, having to pretend everything is rosy now she has had a baby. For me, it’s either fixed now, or you don’t peruse the friendship.

You sound like you couldn’t give a shit about her. Do you even know what she’s been through? Have you asked her? Infertility is complex. She might have lost pregnancies along the way for all you know.

I wouldn’t assume she’s jealous of your kids. She might actually be upset and hurt that you never ask her what she’s dealing with or show her any empathy. You sound like a self-absorbed, tbh. She might be steering clear of you because of that, not because you have kids.

Do you value her friendship in other ways or are you just looking for Instagram likes? Sounds like you need to put more effort into the friendship if you do value it. Ask her how she is doing some time.

*a bit self absorbed - that should read.

The vitriol towards the OP is disgusting but par for the course from the childless women on here

While I wouldn’t characterise my posts as vitriolic I’ve certainly challenged several of the OP’s comments.

I have two children conceived after years of fertility struggles and treatment.

I’m not in the least bitter.

It's bizarre that you know so little of what she's been through considering you used to be close.
Your lack of support and any real compassion for her situation would be the reason for her pulling back.

I know she has taken a back seat on life and is taking time out but I can’t help but wish it were difficult.

You have hit the nail on the head here - I can't speak for your friend, I can only offer my own experience, but that was (and still is, to some degree) the case for me. Taking a back seat on life expresses it perfectly. It genuinely wasn't personal to friends with children. I didn't have a seething resentment of them or actively choose to ignore them out of raging jealousy. I checked out of life altogether, and isolated myself from all my friends, those with kids and those without. I didn't want to see or speak to anyone, because I was just in such a very very dark place. And I had absolutely nothing to talk about! My entire life was being a professional infertile. It's not a healthy coping mechanism to withdraw from the world, but it is very, very common for women (and men) going through infertility.

The most awful thing about infertility and miscarriage in some ways isn't just the permanent aching sadness and fear that you will remain childless, and what this will mean for your future. It's actually the toxic nature of how it infects every part of your life. It robs you of so very much. I lost years of my life! I'm only now starting to come to terms with the fact we reached the end of the road, and starting to try and re-engage with the world. My friends have been terrific, but I do understand that someone disappearing off the radar isn't nice for anyone. I dreaded talking to people because of the awful questions of 'how are you doing?' or 'what have you been up to?'. A friend called IVF a very expensive form of self harm. (I was 33 when I started IVF and had 4 cycles and 9 cancelled cycles. IVF sadly doesn't mean a baby, and infertility doesn't discriminate on age, sadly)

I guarantee that your friend wishes more than anyone else that things were different too. I hope so very much that things get better - as my DH said to me, we'll never feel normal again, and as another friend said to me, it's like a kind of infertility PTSD. But we are starting to emerge from the darkness, and trying to find a new normal.

I hope that whatever happens with her path that you two can also find a new normal with your friendship. Good luck

Another one here with a dead mum, previous divorce, years of being lonely and single, depression and a suicide attempt and after all of that five years of fertility treatments.

The pain is NOT comparable.

I hate social media. Why are "likes" important? I'll rock up to your house with home cooked meals when you're recovering but I'll be judged on a "like"?!? Fuck that.

You sound about 12.

And you have no empathy at all whatsoever - you clearly don't "totally get" it at all.

She's better off without you quite frankly.

She’s childless, going through operations and procedures - and you think she’s not a good friend because she’s not commenting on the pictures she gets of your adorable healthy children growing up

^^ this. You're totally selfish and self absorbed.

"Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Be Kind. Always".

This sums up my thoughts on this. You are in a very privileged position in life. She isn't. Just be kind to her, you can't have any idea what she is going through as you haven't been through it. If you can't be kind without conditions attached, then just leave her be. It doesn't look like she is making any demands upon you.

OP think of your friend as the ‘wrong audience’ for your posts and tales of your kids.

I have 3 kids, conceived without problems but the eldest is very severely disabled and at ‘milestone’ times I have to turn Facebook off. Last time was A level results. While his peers were off to university my son was being shipped off to the other side of the country to a locked ward (8 hours from home) due to lack of suitable provision here. I really couldn’t read posts from people wailing because their fully independent adult children were leaving home to head off and be independent.

Luckily FB wasn’t around during the learning to talk toddler years.

None of the above means I wish people ill or that I don’t care about their kids, or even that I’m not interested in them. Just that at times I’m the wrong audience for certain discussions about them.

I know friends who have been though other big life events who would be the wrong audience for conversations about my kids (even Ds1). So I try to shut up about my kids around them.

The more I read the title of the OP, the more I'm irritated. Such a shame her fertility troubles are 'annoying' you but so kind of you to feel sorry for her.

Oh fgs

Sometimes friendships fade. That's ok.

Sometimes they fade because your lives go in different directions. That's ok

In dealing with infertility I had to completely cut off a friend who "thought i should be happy for her" with her accidental deliberate pregnancies. And "be more mature" than backing off during them.

I make no apologies for it. The friendship was draining on my sanity and when I realised I wasn't actually happy for her, and was incredibly sad for myself. I ended the friendship rather than try to fake it for her.

You don't have to stay friends

I have a friend who I have not seen since I had my first child 5 years ago. She has been unable to have children so far. I feel sad but I completely respect her decision. She sends birthday and Christmas presents for the children and keeps in touch via text. I miss the way things used to be but I've accepted that she just can't seem to cope being around children and this is the only level of friendship she can handle. I figure that this is better than not having her in my life at all and I want to help her feel ok, if this is how she wants things to be.

@Lottie2017 you are a truly wonderful friend and your understanding and kindness will mean the world to her.

Infertility is just awful. I don’t think you can ever understand it unless you have experienced it yourself.

When my DH and I were going through treatment I backed off from one of my friends that was pregnant, it wasn’t her fault but I found it incredibly difficult to be in her company. She knew things were hard, respected that and gave me space.

I suggest you leave her alone for now.

Grow up - "doest like my pictures on instagram" - are you 14?

Wow, I had IVF for DS and we were 'lucky' in that it worked full time. Congrats on being able to fall pregnant so easily. For some of us, it's a lot harder. Just leave your friend be. She is obviously having a hard time. You can't expect her to like all your posts. Grow up a bit.

Thank you so much bananafish81, that means a lot. I've always hoped I was doing the right thing as I never openly discuss it with her. My sister is now going through something similar and I am trying to do take a similar approach, such as sending less photos of the children and trying to talk about lots of other things in our text conversations.

Persistent, long term infertility is soul destroying. It affects everything. It ruins your sex life. (Yes, one of nature’s nasty little jokes, the longer you go on ttc without success the less you want to have sex, because it all feels so pointless.). Your workplace becomes a nightmare because of the constant announcements of pregnancy (accompanied by squeals and hugs and congratulations), cards and collections (and the things people have written on the cards when they land on your desk break your heart), pictures of the newborn being emailed around. Visits from new mums with their babies (when I often had to go away and hide in the loo).

And then there’s your friends and relatives having babies like it was the easiest thing in the world. Opening Christmas cards containing birth announcements or a note saying “we are expecting our third/fourth in March” when I hadn’t even managed to produce one.

It’s hell. I had ten years of actively ttc including IVF and another few years after that hoping for a miracle pregnancy. I’m in my late 50s now but never forgotten how it felt and can still be triggered.

The “she hasn’t even had IVF yet so it can’t be that bad” is one of the most breathtakingly ignorant and heartless things I’ve ever read on here. OP your friend is going through hell. She may not ever have a baby. Please try, for one moment, to walk a mile in her shoes.

@Lottie2017 there is no right or wrong way (although there are some things that are pretty much guaranteed to be insensitive, such as the classic 'why don't you just adopt?', 'you're so lucky you don't have kids, they're not all they're cracked up to be', 'have you tried....?', 'sometimes it's just not meant to be' or after a miscarriage 'at least you can get pregnant'). Some of the most helpful things that have ever been said to be included:

'I don't know what to say. How can I best support you?'

'I'm so sorry for what you're going through, it's really really shit'

'I know I can't understand what you must be going through but I'm here for you'

Some people might want to talk about it, others would rather stab their own eyes out. It's completely OK to not know what to say or to know what's going to be most helpful to your friend. It's totally OK to ask! She will hugely appreciate just knowing that you understand why she's withdrawn; that you're there for her when she feels ready to re engage with the world; and that you understand she is going through deep emotional pain.