To be a bit annoyed with friend but still feel sad for her?

[AllThePlants]

Let me preface by saying that I totally get that infertility is an awful rollercoaster. By contrast, we conceived DD on our first try, DS on our second try. I am lucky. One of my closest friends has been TTC for 4 years and has only just got round to the IVF referral but I understand that she’s been having pretty constant treatments and some surgery too. I don’t like to ask too much but it can’t be too dire if she hasn’t been having IVF but I could be mistaken. She’s also said she’s not willing to adopt either so guess she’s pinning her hopes on the treatment working.

For about the past 18 months she has gone quite silent on me. She used to be a very supportive friend but I now feel like she shows no interest in my life or kids. I know it’s trivial but she never likes any of OMG pics on Instagram or enquiries about them beyond the basic “how are you all?” Via text.

I guess I miss her but AIBU to feel
Slightly resentful though? I just feel like when she has her baby I won’t be able to just start pretending she’s shown little interest in my kids. I know that makes me sound awful. Her life is otherwise good, lovely husband and they have a fair amount of money (which I’m not jealous of but just for context). She’s got a lot going for her I just wish she didn’t make me feel bad just for having kids.

For about the past 18 months she has gone quite silent on me. She used to be a very supportive friend but I now feel like she shows no interest in my life or kids. I know it’s trivial but she never likes any of OMG pics on Instagram or enquiries about them beyond the basic “how are you all?” Via text.

You talk alot about how supportive she was but don't mention what support you've given her?

Yes, she won't see you now but what were you like in the early days? Did you dominate conversation about your DC? Did you tell her how easily you conceived? (Not sure even we needed to know that you conceived ds on the first attempt. There are no prizes). Are all your IG pics of your dc? Can't you see how painful this must be for her?

If she does conceive she will be enthralled by her baby, not measuring how much attention you're giving her baby.

The vitriol towards the OP is disgusting but par for the course from the childless women on here.

This friendship seems to be one-sided and I wouldn't bother anymore OP. It's hard struggling with infertility but it's a struggle bringing up DC too and the 'friend' hasn't been there for the OP either so why should she bother? Why should the OP have to tiptoe round her and feel bad that she has something her friend wants? True friendship is about sharing the highs and lows and supporting each other on both sides.

Accept your life has gone in different directions and you've outgrown each other. Move on.

Gosh. Just gosh.

Firstly you cannot expect her to be supportive of you when she is going through hell. Nothing will be more important to her than the nightmare she is living and rightly so. It is all consuming.

Educate yourself on IVF, the statistics, the side effects. Be grateful you will never know the day in day out disappointment and sadness, the empty hollow feeling she has that will not go. The what if's and why's, the questions that are unanswered and just how can life be so unfair. Wondering what people think and what you're missing out on. You will never comprehend it unless you've lived it, but try to understand it in anyway you can.

You have what she wants, happy healthy children. It came easily to you and you are luckier than you can ever care to imagine. She probably hates you a little bit for having what she wants. This isn't about you, it shouldn't be about you feeling unsupported and missing your friend. It needs to be about her and what she needs from you and you have to allow her to distance herself if that is what she finds easier.

My suggestion?
Read and educate yourself about IVF.
Write her a letter or a card, don't talk about children or IVF, tell her you miss her company and would like to meet up just the two of you and catch up. If it happens don't spend the whole time talking about your DC, she doesn't want to hear it. If it doesn't, just keep in touch and remind her you are there for her. Leave the ball in her court.

You can feel sad your friendship isn't what it used to be but however you feel she's feeling a million times worse.

I think some of these posts are unnecessarily nasty. OP, you will never understand how it feels as I thankfully never will. I get why you feel hurt and why you are only seeing it narrow mindedly and I don't think it makes you a bad person, I just think it's beyond comprehension for someone who hasn't had problems.
A few years ago my friend has a miscarriage and I was devastated for her. However over the following months it consumed her and I tried to tell her she needed to be grateful for the child she already had. I honestly thought I was helping her see all was not lost. Then, a couple of years later I miscarried. It was utterly deverstating. I had 2 already and I was only about 6 weeks along and people used these to try and help me but I found the comments very hurtful. Having a child does not make losing one ok. Being so early did not take away the love I felt for it already. I actually wrote to apologise to my friend for being so inconsiderate to her feelings because I now got exactly how she had felt.
I think you need to try and ignore the fact she isn't being the friend you'd like right now and just keep letting her know you are there for her. Keep the texts going. If her baby does come along, I'm pretty sure you will be too pleased for her to care about the past x

Infertility does not give people a licence to act how they like but it is very, very hard. You cannot possibly imagine how hard unless you go through it.

I liken my infertility with a friend who is single. She's been single for about 5 years and I know she is desperately lonely. We're both late-30s. I got married last year. I was sensitive when telling her I was engaged, WhatsApp-ing her and another friend together so she had a chance to take her time to respond if she needed to. I respected her feelings. In return, she was a bridesmaid, helped organise my hen and gave us a beautiful wedding gift.

I say it's similar to my infertility situation because I've had many close friends and family have babies in the time we've been trying. I have put on a smile every time, admittedly sometimes more genuinely than others but each one hurt in a way I never imagined it could. I have knitted cardigans and booties, liked scan photos on FB and held newborns. All the time my heart was breaking.

So OP, it can be done, where you are filled with jealousy yet can keep those ties going. But it sounds as though your friend can't keep them going and that's just a different way of responding to her situation. She's been ttc for 2 years more than I have so I may be like her after 4 years.

I think I'm trying to say that YANBU to wish she would be the same friend she was but YABU to expect her to react in a certain way. It sounds like she's withdrawing so respect that and keep your distance or send her a message or little gift to say you love her and miss her and let her respond if she can.

And certainly educate yourself about infertility and IVF and miscarriages. Be ready to talk with her about it if she needs to. Oh, and forget the social media stuff, after my mc last year I basically avoid FB because it hurts too much. I really hope my friends with kids aren't feeling hurt that I'm not 'liking' or commenting on their photos. Cut her some slack there.

Eltonjohnsyrup, I think that comment was nasty and unnecessary. I hate the way people think it's ok to bully others with comments like that from behind a screen.

I couldn't bear to look at posts of lucky bastards with kids let alone people with two kids
Tragic that you are measuring friendship by "likes"
Childlessness and loss is so painful and draining that I understand she dosent want to be around you
When injecting myself with ovary stimulating drugs I broke down and cried like a baby in the super market because they played a song ( it's like pmt x10000!)

If you do achually want to be a good friend ( stop posting your kids on social media which us ghastly anyway and send a card flowers showing support

Why should OP have to stop putting them on social media? She shouldn't have to hide her kids away ffs. Of course it is very sad that this woman can't conceive but that is not and never will be OP's fault. People who have children are not intentionally rubbing it in the face of infertile people, they are happy to show them off because their children are their pride and joy and a big part of the lives.

has only just got round to the IVF referral but I understand that she’s been having pretty constant treatments and some surgery too. I don’t like to ask too much but it can’t be too dire if she hasn’t been having IVF but I could be mistaken

Seriously? Ever had a balloon inflated in your cervix so that a tube of dye can be squirted into your uterus to see if it flows through your fallopian tubes? Grow some empathy.

Well Demi perhaps the original poster shouldn’t dish it out if she can’t take it? Her comment about childless women was horrific, and yes I do think it’s a shame children are being brought up by someone with such backwards prejudiced attitudes.

Wtf? She's quite obviously distanced herself a little as she's going through all the fertility shit. You really need to stop and actually try and think how shit she must feel. You will never be able to imagine anywhere near how she feels, but just trying to properly might help. You've had two kids in the time she's been trying. Two. It's not fair.

You just don't sound nice

I don't think your 'friendship' will be a loss she considers too grand

Why should OP have to stop putting them on social media? She shouldn't have to hide her kids away ffs

Yes, but neither should the friend have to like OP's posts/pics on social media. OP is expecting too much.

I knew you’d get a hard time over this. I get what you’re saying.

I got excluded and frozen out by someone in my life because of their infertility. But because I have two healthy kids, I just had to suck it up and then welcome them back with open arms when they finally overcame it and had their own. We all carry on as though nothing happened.

The vitriol towards the OP is disgusting but par for the course from the childless women on here.

@WannaBeWonderWoman - I completely agree with @Eltonjohnssyrup, that is one of the most spiteful things I have ever read on MN. I hope you are proud of yourself.

And you didn’t pull the poster up on her horrible comment about childless women did you Demi? Because you’re that special sort of dim that can only empathise with people who are the same as you. So you let horrible comments about childless women go but get cross if their is a nasty comment about a mother. And you can’t even see the irony. Dim.

Why don't you share your instagram name OP so we can all join instagram to follow you and like your posts? That'll show her what a shit friend she is!

*there

WannaBeWonderWoman
The vitriol towards the OP is disgusting but par for the course from the childless women on here.

I wonder if a fertile man would ever demonstrate such smugness towards "childless man".

Have you NC
Or is this your first ever post??

Nobody can ever understand infertility unless they have been through it themselves. I won’t lie, I have unfriended people on Facebook in the past because they were on their 3rd/4th “accidental pregnancy” and yeah okay so that makes me bitter but hey ho. Your friend probably does have a hard time accepting your ability to get pregnant easily, I get that you don’t really get that as you have been very lucky. And by saying she has a great life doesn’t really mean anything. She could have all the money and holidays and career opportunities etc in the world but if she is desperate for a child then none of those things matter. You can only really understand that if you have ever wanted something so badly and not been able to get it. It’s a horrible horrible thing to got though, I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy and honestly I think you should be reaching out to her rather than wanting her to comment on your Instagram pictures. Infertility is pure shit. If your friend wants to keep her distance even after you’ve reached out, you need to respect that. This isn’t about you and it’s not personal. It’s a real day-to-day struggle and sometimes withdrawing into yourself and staying away from those who have what you want and got it so easily is just something that makes you feel better.

demirose87 I don't post my kids on f.b ( or v v rarely) out of respect for Friends and family who are childless.
I do judge those that do as I see it as insensitive and frankly I'm bored by those who download every single fart their kids make.