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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be a bit annoyed with friend but still feel sad for her?

287 replies

AllThePlants · 01/03/2018 18:17

Let me preface by saying that I totally get that infertility is an awful rollercoaster. By contrast, we conceived DD on our first try, DS on our second try. I am lucky. One of my closest friends has been TTC for 4 years and has only just got round to the IVF referral but I understand that she’s been having pretty constant treatments and some surgery too. I don’t like to ask too much but it can’t be too dire if she hasn’t been having IVF but I could be mistaken. She’s also said she’s not willing to adopt either so guess she’s pinning her hopes on the treatment working.

For about the past 18 months she has gone quite silent on me. She used to be a very supportive friend but I now feel like she shows no interest in my life or kids. I know it’s trivial but she never likes any of OMG pics on Instagram or enquiries about them beyond the basic “how are you all?” Via text.

I guess I miss her but AIBU to feel
Slightly resentful though? I just feel like when she has her baby I won’t be able to just start pretending she’s shown little interest in my kids. I know that makes me sound awful. Her life is otherwise good, lovely husband and they have a fair amount of money (which I’m not jealous of but just for context). She’s got a lot going for her I just wish she didn’t make me feel bad just for having kids.

OP posts:
SpareASquare · 01/03/2018 21:27

...it’s hard to articulate how I feel without coming across as vile

Clearly

FrancinePefko · 01/03/2018 21:28

WannaBeWonderWoman

The vitriol towards the OP is disgusting but par for the course from the childless women on here.

I'd like to add that I am the mum of three, but I would absolutely hate to be associated with someone who labels a person who may be going through all kinds of pain (physical and emotional) as a "childless woman".

You sound horrible.

StepAwayFromGoogle · 01/03/2018 21:33

To everyone saying that infertility doesn't excuse vile behaviour - no, it doesn't, but I fail to see how the OP's friend is behaving badly? She's been a bit distant and not liked some photos of the OP's kids on Instagram. That is a stupid thing to measure any friendship by. Perhaps she needs to do that for her own sanity, perhaps a bit of understanding might help?

StickThatInYourPipe · 01/03/2018 21:38

I think the comparison to a friend wanting to be in a relationship is quite good. However, in the situation you described, I don’t think it would be unreasonable for a person to distance themselves from a friend who is is a happy relationship, constantly asking how their love life was going? Have they met anyone yet? Blah blah blah!

Just as, and I imagine this is what has happened in this case OP, a woman struggling with infertility constantly being reminded with ‘messages of ‘oh o can’t imagine how hard it would be not to be able to have children!’ / ‘Just try to think about something else, it will happen when you lease expect it!’ ‘Hows the baby making going?’ Blah blah blah!

MadMags · 01/03/2018 21:38

OP hasn’t answered questions about her posting history and has disappeared.

If I was cynical...

PurpleDaisies · 01/03/2018 21:44

The vitriol towards the OP is disgusting but par for the course from the childless women on here.
It’s a massive assumption that the people flaming the op are all childless. Plenty of people who do have kids aren’t totally clueless about infertility as the op appears to be.

bananafish81 · 01/03/2018 21:47

*For example, my parents are dead. I still see friends whose parents are alive. I still enquire as to how they are doing?

I have single (not by choice) friends, they still enquire after their friends partners/husbands.

Please don't throw things at me, but I don't get why the op is getting a hard time and being described as insensitive.*

I have nursed my beloved dying mother, and held her hand as she died

Infertility and miscarriage, and coming to terms with the fact we can't have children, has been far more emotionally traumatic

With my mum, there was a certainty. She was terminally ill, it was devastating, but we had to accept it. When she died she wasn't coming back. We had to grieve and try to find a new sense of normal.

With infertility it's a never ending misery of hope and hopelessness. You can never give up on the dream of finally one day becoming a mother. Or the agony of other people having what you long for so deeply. And which serves as a reminder that they can do what you cannot. We all die. We are supposed to die. We are supposed to be able to bear children if we so choose. Not being able to have a child has ripped through the core of my heart and my sense of self

I unfollowed most of my friends with young children on instagram, as the stream of happy families was too painful. I withdrew from most of my friends, as I just couldn't face interacting with the world. I only wanted to speak to other women going through infertility. It was all consuming. And desperately lonely

As the saying goes, the despair I can deal with, it's the hope that kills me

StickThatInYourPipe · 01/03/2018 21:50

bananafish81

Flowers - no words really

StickThatInYourPipe · 01/03/2018 21:51

Sorry pressed post too soon!

I truly hope one day your situation improves for you, I understand but only to a certain extent (ttc 1.5 years so not yet been reffered to anyone but won’t be long)

EnidButton · 01/03/2018 21:59

Everything banana said. All of it. That's how it is. Not a frickin 'rollercoaster'. It's a nightmare that you get used to.

banana Flowers

AllThePlants · 01/03/2018 22:25

I am so sorry for the personal accounts of the devastation of posters in this thread. The last thing I want is to come across as insensitive.for what it’s worth I have name changed.

I understand that I am unreasonable, I just miss my friend and sometimes selfishly wish she could have a baby and we can experience parenthood together. She lives 2 miles from me and I alsways hope to bump in to her out and about but don’t. I know she has taken a back seat on life and is taking time out but I can’t help but wish it were difficult.

OP posts:
LeighaJ · 01/03/2018 22:35

AllThePlants

Not really a kind way to put this but you may be over thinking this situation.

It could have little or nothing to do with you having kids while she still struggles to have even one. She may have simply lost interest in you as a friend but doesn't want to be so harsh as to break all contact since you two were once close.

multivac · 01/03/2018 22:36

OP, she wishes exactly the same thing. It's shit. But you know what? You kissed your children goodnight tonight. You have perpetuated your DNA. A little empathy would go a long way.

CaviarAndCigarettes · 01/03/2018 22:38

@AllThePlants I've not read the thread but wanted to respond to your op. I have been in a similar situation and felt hurt because I have a very small circle of friends. But my friend was silently suffering and had several miscarriages throughout my pregnancies and between, i think this is one of those where you just have to be there when she's ready. She's not being mean. She's hurt

Eltonjohnssyrup · 01/03/2018 22:41

Plants, your last post was really lovely.

Why don’t you think about communicating something like that to your friend? You’ve said lots of lovely stuff on here about how much she means to you. Don’t tell us, tell her.

It sounds like you might not have been very supportive and perhaps a bit tactless at times because you were wrapped up in your own babies. (Believe me I am a twin Mum and I understand that.)

But I think it would mean the world to your friend to hear how much she is loved and valued regardless of her reproductive system.

Royalfuckup · 01/03/2018 22:45

Unfortunately sometimes we have to accept that friendships cool.

All you can do is to keep in touch and let her come to you.

CotswoldStrife · 01/03/2018 22:57

There are certainly some well-known topics which bring out the worst responses in posters and this is one of them, unfortunately.

I've been on the receiving end of resentment and bitterness for having a child so I know it does happen. It is a shock when someone that you've got along well with for years instantly dislikes you and excludes you from things. Just for that one reason.

VladmirsPoutine · 01/03/2018 23:11

@AllThePlants Are you also as in-compassionate, selfish and obtuse in other areas of your life or just with this so-called friend of yours?

AllThePlants · 01/03/2018 23:15

Back off now Vladmirs. You’ve had a snapshot of the full picture so calm down now yeah?

OP posts:
MadMags · 01/03/2018 23:17

Hmm you don’t get to dictate what other people post.

Maybe a snapshot but a pretty telling one.

AllThePlants · 01/03/2018 23:18

Eugh I’m losing patience now. I’ve explained my position.

OP posts:
MadMags · 01/03/2018 23:19

Your position is still utterly selfish, to be honest!

SleepingStandingUp · 01/03/2018 23:20

One of my closest friends has been TTC for 4 years and has only just got round to the IVF referral but I understand that she’s been having pretty constant treatments and some surgery too

she hasn’t had ivf yet (I don’t think) so I assume her situation can’t be too much of a write off

I don’t like to ask too much but it can’t be too dire if she hasn’t been having IVF

You have NO idea what its like struggling to conceive. You have NO idea what its like to go through treatments and SURGERY!!

If you use this kind of language around your friend, i'm not surprised she's backed off.

VladmirsPoutine · 01/03/2018 23:20

As a 'calm' word of advice; don't ever tell women to "calm down." Smile

You crack on, I'm still awaiting you posting what your instagram name is so we can all follow and like your pictures. If I were your 'friend' I'd block you and never speak to you again.

ittakes2 · 01/03/2018 23:23

Have a heart! She’s childless, going through operations and procedures - and you think she’s not a good friend because she’s not commenting on the pictures she gets of your adorable healthy children growing up.