AIBU to ask you for signs a marriage won't last?

[Hofty]

m.huffingtonpost.co.uk/entry/signs-a-marriage-wont-last-according-to-wedding-photographers_us_5a871dfee4b05c2bcaca8db9

I was reading this^ earlier. I think these 'signs' are largely nonsense, but it got me wondering... has anyone got any signs a marriage won't last they'd like to share? Has anyone ever noticed any 'red flags', so to speak, and been right?

DP and I are getting married this summer, but this is not in any way inspired our relationship, I'm just reading a lot on the topic of marriage at the moment.

I'll share first, it's probably an obvious one. I think a sign a marriage won't last is if either party is entering into it through a sense of obligation, for example when my grandparents married (at 16!!) they were expecting a baby and social norms at that time meant that they had to get married. They are the least compatible couple I've ever known and both openly admit they would never have done so if my grandmother hadn't been pregnant.

m.huffingtonpost.co.uk/entry/signs-a-marriage-wont-last-according-to-wedding-photographers_us_5a871dfee4b05c2bcaca8db9

Oops, sorry the link didn't work. I'll try again!

That last one I did read on another site, a wedding photographer declared it the number one sign that a couple's marriage would not last. (The couple spending too much time with their guests and seeming less interested in each other.) Now I haven't been to many weddings I'll admit, but one of them was the wedding of a very social couple. They spent lots of time going around to make sure their guests were happy. They will be seven years married this year.

That’s interesting because I remember spending most of the night do on the dance floor, my husband did join me now and again. We did spend most of the day together though. We have been married over 12 years

Then again I don’t actually know if we spend most of the day together, I remember talking to a lot of people and being social.

Going on my experience alone, the rule seems to be "get married in the 90s/2000s, not the 80s." The marriage survival rate of my older cousins is shite, but my friends and younger cousins have all stayed together. Seems like there's been some sort of shift in my generation.

Would agree with the one about bickering relatives though. My older cousin's wedding ended with a massive rammy and the police being called. Wedding itself lasted 9 months

The more bridezilla the behavior and the more focus on the wedding rather than the marriage itself, the less chance of success.

Well I've read the article and I've got an ExH, so a big one for me was different attitudes to money. So much so I would describe him as financially abusive. As did my lawyer.
We also made sarcastic digs at each other, I honestly can't remember who started it or how it started.
He also avoided me at social functions, I definitely noticed this, it upset me a lot.
He definitely didn't give a toss about my needs, never considered me at all

If one of them is a twat I've found to be a pretty good indicator that the marriage will end. Know of two couples who have divorced and a third couple are still together but only because she can't afford to leave and he likes having someone keep house. They used to post gushing messages about each other on Facebook but that has stopped since his first affair. I'm very suspicious of couples who post stuff on Facebook too about their marvellous relationship. Its usually not a good sign.

I have 2 separate friends who when I went to their weddings, I remember thinking they weren't well suited to their partners and wondered if the marriages would last. One has since divorced, the other is not that happy in her marriage (she does occasionally talk about it with me) but she's made the decision to stay and make the best of it as they have 2 young kids.

Its hard to put my finger on exactly why I felt like that. At other weddings, I've been so pleased for the bride and groom and could see how well they worked together and made each other happy. With one couple I think it's because they came from very different backgrounds, their families were very different (one family quite well to do, nice house, nice holidays, sociable, having dinner parties with friends etc and the other family kept themselves to themselves, not sociable, didn't make an effort etc). With the other couple, the woman wanted what I guess you'd call a typical marriage (shared finances, family holidays, family days out etc) but the man just wanted to still have a girlfriend who he lived with (he still wanted to go on frequent holidays with the lads, lads nights out etc).

Most obvious sign I ever saw was when the bride and groom were having photos taken on the steps of the church, the groom was having to force a smile. I remember turning to my DH and saying ‘The groom really doesn’t look like he wants to be here’.
They split up 4 months later.

Mis matched sex drives
Not sharing the same values
Very different ways of resolving conflict eg one party is a talker and the other is a sulker

Captain has it. If one of them is a twat it's dooooomed. If both of them are twats it can work very well.

I'm very suspicious of couples who post stuff on Facebook too about their marvellous relationship. Its usually not a good sign.

Absolutely!

I remember at our pre marriage course they said a huge red flag was if one family didn’t approve of their child’s partner and there was lots of animosity. That over time this breaks down relationships.
Also difference in attitudes to finances. Money can be all consuming.

My SIL and her boyfriend just didnt seem to like each other. I was shocked when they got engaged and my told my DH they woild be divorced by 40, they actually separated 3 years later at 31. They had been together since 18 and it was just 'the next step'. I think that is when marriages are doomed to fail, when it isn't somethinhg actively wanted but just what is 'expected' due to length of time together.

I once read that the sign of a couple that would stay together is that they always think the best of each other.
So even if your partner has done something you disagree with or that has upset you, you will assume that they have done it with the best of intentions.
I think it's probably a good basis for a relationship.

When I was talking to the women at work, I said that DH was my best friend. She said she was ‘puking rainbows’ and that her DH of 6 years was not her best friend. In less than 3 months they had split up, as I had predicted. Your DH should be your best friend.

*a woman

I think it's always a bad sign when one spouse (usually the DH) moves into the spare room when a baby comes along. It was the first positive sign for me that BIL's marriage was not on track.
Shortest marriage I've ever known was initially a 'secret' wedding; the people that weren't invited weren't told the couple were getting married and found out with the wedding pics on facebook. One of the couple is also a twat.

They haven't thought about the future, or not talked about it. Or as a friend who split with his wife within a year said, "don't get married to a woman who just wants a wedding".
Also if one party has leapt into the marriage to escape their family/a nasty ex/their own demons, especially if they and partner haven't really clocked that's what's going on. (also a factor in the above).

One of them having had a drug/gambling/alcohol problem and going back to it under stress.

And being under 25. Almost all the marriages I know of from that young failed, mostly falling into the above categories and/or the bloke was an immature twat. The exceptions include the most emotionally-sensible woman I know, who knew a good chap when she found one, and a friend who found a suitable husband at uni and then her parents could pretend it was an arranged marriage.

When I married my ex, a relative of his sent a thank you note to my Mum which included the line that was something like: "they looked so happy together that they made everyone else feel happy." I thought: eh?

I realised that this was probably a standard line that they put in thank you letters for every wedding they ever attended, but it made me see that I wasn't, and hadn't been all that happy, as I knew that wasn't true; I was tense and worried for most of the day.

People who want to get married to have a wedding.
I know lots of women who tell me 100% red flag dealbreakers and they're still getting married. I doubt they'll last because they don't even like their partner !

OP are your grandparents still together? Some marriages of obligation do last, some arranged marriages for example.

I agree about money, I'm amazed how many couples who live together have never discussed their attitudes to money, work or parenting for example.

I think you need the same basic morals with the same priorities and goals. I think you need respect and I think your expectations of each other need to be real.

For example my DH would never live up to the expectations of MNetters because he is not working 60 hours a week to feed his family and then coming home and putting the children to bed instead of playing on his PS4 and then doing the housework at the weekend and never being grumpy with me and never moaning about not getting sex etc etc

I think there are many factors that can put pressure on a marriage and I think it has to be worked on but for me not having common values and compromise is a sign that the marriage might fail when the going gets tough. Oh and comparison, really these perfect men, woman and marriages just don't exist.

has anyone got any signs a marriage won't last they'd like to share

It's being organised by her mother.

It's being organised by his mother.

It's happening twelve months after one or the other set of parents divorced.

Being under 30.

Not having lived together.