AIBU to ask you for signs a marriage won't last?

[Hofty]

m.huffingtonpost.co.uk/entry/signs-a-marriage-wont-last-according-to-wedding-photographers_us_5a871dfee4b05c2bcaca8db9

I was reading this^ earlier. I think these 'signs' are largely nonsense, but it got me wondering... has anyone got any signs a marriage won't last they'd like to share? Has anyone ever noticed any 'red flags', so to speak, and been right?

DP and I are getting married this summer, but this is not in any way inspired our relationship, I'm just reading a lot on the topic of marriage at the moment.

I'll share first, it's probably an obvious one. I think a sign a marriage won't last is if either party is entering into it through a sense of obligation, for example when my grandparents married (at 16!!) they were expecting a baby and social norms at that time meant that they had to get married. They are the least compatible couple I've ever known and both openly admit they would never have done so if my grandmother hadn't been pregnant.

Thank you for all your responses - some interesting stories.

I don't agree that a marriage is doomed if the couple are under 30, my parents and my soon-to-be PIL's were married in their very early 20's and they've both been very happily married 25+ years.

I definitely agree that a marriage as the result of a 'get married or split up ultimatum' is doomed.

I went to a wedding once where the groom, in his speech, made more of a thing about it being a big party for all his friends, rather than him getting married. He'd always made a thing about wanting to get married before he was 30 and he squeaked it in with 3 days to spare. He spent the majority of the reception holed up with a female friend and asked one of the bridesmaids to see the bride up to their room. They didn't live together beforehand and after the wedding he went home to his mums and she went home to hers. It lasted 9 months before they called it quits. He started an 'official' relationship with the female friend from the reception not long after.

Dead your mate isn't Prince Charles by any chance? That story sounds very familiar . . .

peanutbutter wow a magazine! Sounds stressful! And 😁 to the pigs at the wedding!

OP- I've just remembered what my vicar said to me when we first went to see him! I kept giggling trying to fill out the forms for the bans and eventually blurted out that we were pregnant. He said "that's not funny it's wonderful!"

He then told us that, in his experience, couples who had spent less time together before getting married had less chance of divorce.

This was because they went through their first hardships and testing times together while married without the option to give up on each other as easily.

He also explained that couples who have been together for years, then get married, then get pregnant, usually face their most challenging years (as parents/homeowners) while married- compared to relatively plain sailing years of cohabiting and working/having time for their own lives.

Whereas couples who marry/get pregnant straight away face the challenges early on then enjoy the plain sailing later.

Of course this goes one of two ways and either makes or breaks a couple

A woman I work with told me "be one anothers biggest fan" when we got married and out of all the advice I've ever been given, that stuck with me.

There aren't any guarantees in life but for a marriage to be happy you both have to put in more than you take out. It's different for everyone and of course there are periods where one person compromises or gives more simply because the other is unable. But eventually the balance rights itself and nobody is left feeling resentful.

I read it as those that make a huge fuss over their frilly frock party are probably not going to last. And that vicars talk rubbish.

The more bridezilla the behavior and the more focus on the wedding rather than the marriage itself, the less chance of success

This ^^

I'd add a few more to the article. Those pressured into it after an ultimatum, marriages of the under 25s, where couples are unequal so one shoulders the pressure whist the other just enjoys life and those where it's due to pressures in pregnancy.

I think the under 25 thing is a bit harsh. Most of my friends met their husbands when they were teenagers so by the time they wed in their early 20s they'd been together a while. Most have been happily married for 10+ years now. (Admittedly one divorce, but that's not bad out of a dozen marriages.)

I guess the bridezilla thing means those brides where the groom seems almost incidental to the wedding.

Anybody who thinks the marriages of people under 25 or 30 won't last, can I ask why? Not being goady, just interested as to why you think this.

It doesn’t really make sense as years ago, most people got married in their twenties. My mum and dad got married in the 70s, in their late twenties and were considered older.

"3. I have read that from wedding photos you can tell if a marriage is likely to last. Compatible couples look equally happy and have similar expressions, uncompatible couples, one looks happier than the other"

This seems utterly ridiculous to me. As if you can judge the longevity of a marriage based on facial expressions at the wedding. I know loads of people who found their wedding stressful for many reasons, didn't like being centre of attention, felt massive anxiety, were worried about having a panic attack in front of everyone, too shy to be able to relax. Guarantee few of them would have looked completely ecstatic and beaming on the pictures. What a way to try and read into something that isn't there.

I agree with PP pointing out that longevity doesn't necessarily mean a happy marriage. Far from it. People often stay married due to outside and internal pressures while being utterly miserable and feeling trapped. And you will never have any idea whether the marriages of people you know are actually happy inside or they're just good actors.

I worry about the fetishisation of long marriages, it's not always the right thing to stay in something making you unhappy and affecting kids if you have them.

I think maybe because if you think about how much you change in your 20's there is an equal chance that you'll grow apart as grow together. I think also that people think that if you metyour partner as a teenager, got married at 20 something and then bringing up children they might think 'is this it?' whereas older couples might have some the holidays and partying in their 20's and got it out of their system. Obviously for some people that's not a big deal. One of the most solid couples I know met as teenagers and did all the travelling together before having 3 children in their 30's

Just going back to the original story - what do wedding photographers know? If your marriage doesn't last, do you get in contact with your photographer to let him know, so they can add it to their database? Do wedding photographers do follow up studies with people they photographed years ago?

Unless we are talking about marriages that don't even last the time it takes for the photographer to deliver the wedding album...

My sister got the bridle car to pull over so she could have a fag. When she finished she put it out and said to my mum "come on then let's get this shit over with..." Needless to say they split 6 months later after a 4 month affair from my sister.

So that's another sign to add to your list..

"If you are compelled to constantly post about how "amazing" your partner is, there may be something wrong. According to one study, "On a daily basis, when people felt more insecure about their partner's feelings, they tended to make their relationships visible." Next time you post all those pictures, ask yourself if you are trying to convince yourself that nothing is wrong."

www.goodhousekeeping.com/life/relationships/g3733/divorce-signs-marriage/

Definitely the ultimatum thing! We know a couple that only married after she left him and he ran after her to propose. Now a few years down the line they are still married but seem to basically hate each other! The divorce is not far off me thinks.

Not having lived together.

We didn’t live together. Got married in 1990 and it still wasn’t quite the norm. It was what people did if they had no intention of getting married! We are still happily married. As are most of my friends who got married around that time.

One secret of a lasting relationship is to never ever let each other feel taken for granted, to show appreciation and gratitude for everything your partner does for you and vice versa.

Well you just cant know. No one gave my marriage a chance. We were very young and totally mismatched, We have been married 45 years, 4 children 10 grandchildren, looks like we are in for the long all, no regrets

Hofty Simply my experience - two out of twenty-odd weddings of young partners have worked, 25+ years later. Half of them would admit that they were simply not ready to settle down and should never have married.

Quite a few made it to ten years though, do I'm amused by people on this thread claiming marriages have worked as they've hit the 10th anniversary.

At my cousin's wedding my cousin (the bride) spent the whole reception sitting with her mum and her sister getting drunk. The groom spent the whole reception on the dancefloor with the bridesmaids getting very dunk and trying to grab everyone's arses. They divorced within a year.

I know six couples who split up within 18 months of marriage. From what I can see, they all had one thing in common- one partner believed something that was a dealbreaker for them would change one they were married.

In the case of a very close friend, her fiancé had a very serious drug habit which he promised to give up on the day of the wedding. Marriage ended before the photographer even sent over the proofs.