AIBU to ask you for signs a marriage won't last?

[Hofty]

m.huffingtonpost.co.uk/entry/signs-a-marriage-wont-last-according-to-wedding-photographers_us_5a871dfee4b05c2bcaca8db9

I was reading this^ earlier. I think these 'signs' are largely nonsense, but it got me wondering... has anyone got any signs a marriage won't last they'd like to share? Has anyone ever noticed any 'red flags', so to speak, and been right?

DP and I are getting married this summer, but this is not in any way inspired our relationship, I'm just reading a lot on the topic of marriage at the moment.

I'll share first, it's probably an obvious one. I think a sign a marriage won't last is if either party is entering into it through a sense of obligation, for example when my grandparents married (at 16!!) they were expecting a baby and social norms at that time meant that they had to get married. They are the least compatible couple I've ever known and both openly admit they would never have done so if my grandmother hadn't been pregnant.

If one of them is a twat I've found to be a pretty good indicator that the marriage will end.
and usually the ending will be at about the time the other one wakes up and wonders ‘why am I married to such a twat?’

"I was tense and worried for most of the day."

Me too - I found our wedding enormously stressful. Not because I was getting married, but just the whole thing - so many people there because of us, lots of them having spent a lot of money on travel and accommodation. I was worried about various family members falling out, drunken hijinks from friends, last minute problems with the venue (they fell out with the caterers) etc. Also I found it a curiously lonely experience, and it's true that I didn't spend a lot of time with my husband. When I woke up the next morning I felt light and free - it was all over, and nothing terrible had happened. The day after is the day I remember as one of the happiest in my life.

We're still happily married though, after 18 years! So I think that article is balls.

Oh dear, my marriage has just failed on points 2 and 8. High rejection rate on the RSVPs because we got married in my home country and most of his friends/our mutual British friends couldn't afford to come.

And spent most of the reception talking to people I was moving away from: reckoned I'd have the rest of my life to talk to dh. Also, have wonderful photos of dh stuffing his face at the late extra supper my parents laid on, no sign of his bride. I thoroughly approved: again, we were going to be poor and not see food like that on a daily basis, so why not make the most of it? He'd have me every day. We've been married 25 years.

BalloonSlayer I was tense and worried for most of the day when I got married but that was just because it was a big day and I was anxious it should go well! Looking back, I wish I'd relaxed and enjoyed it more but it was not a symptom of anything wrong with the marriage - this year will be our 30th anniversary

usually the ending will be at about the time the other one wakes up and wonders ‘why am I married to such a twat?’

My experience is that you start out thinking "why is perfectly sensible X married to idiot Y?" but, after a few years, you're thinking "because actually, X is an idiot too".

Yep, all the above.

A divorce lawyer once remarked that couples who resort to personal insults during arguments will break up. Couples who argue, possibly vociferously, but without personal insults will stay together.

I once asked someone who was themselves married if trust can break down in a relationship without third party involvement. Yes came the resounding response. She then went on to describe that she wanted another baby and her husband hadn't said yes but then he hadn't exactly said no. (I left the employment of that company some time ago so don't know the outcome.)

This was in relation to me questioning my own marriage as I had agreed to emigrate without any real or meaningful discussion. However, lets just say all's well that ends well.

Personally, I feel loved by my husband and know that I love him. However, I fully understand the sentiment of I love you I just don't like you very much.

I find the threads asking if anyone has left an unsatisfying but not awful marriage very telling. It's pretty much people holding on, whilst seeing the breaking point approaching or not knowing how to deal with the breaking point they are now at.

I don't think there are any hard and fast rules.
Some people are happy to begin with but often things go wrong in later life.
Children can often put a huge strain on a relationship ship especially if one parent doesn't pull their weight.

Here is another three from a divorce lawyer, I was reading yesterday

www.elitedaily.com/p/3-signs-you-shouldnt-get-married-according-to-a-divorce-lawyer-whos-seen-it-all-8263010/amp?utm_source=quora

I think it’s important to figure out if you both want kids BEFORE you get married and if one person doesn’t, don’t kid yourself they will change their mind.

Discuss money habits and compatibility BEFORE you get married and if you want to take time off work to raise kids, will your partner be happy to support you.

Think about what you want out of your life. Are they on the same page as you? If you dream one day you want to move to Canada or you have ambitions to give your job up and train to be an opera singer, you want to make sure they are on board with all your dreams and plans BEFORE you marry. Likewise you need to know what their dreams and plans are and if you are willing to go on that journey with them.

Marry your best friend and someone you actually want to be around! You’re spending the rest of your life with them, so you need to have communication and enjoy each other’s company. I see so many couples that have nothing to talk about, other than the kids, don’t have much in common or much interest in each other’s lives. They have their own friends they spend the majority of time with. It’s not surprising when they joke they no longer have sex, they have drifted apart ( though they don’t see it that way).

I have friends who married without living together.
Been married almost 30 years
I know many couples who met as teenagers who are still married.
I have a good friend who was her husband's mustress, I would say they had the best marriage i have ever seen. They are both on the same page, don't have kids and more high earners.

All marriages have their ups and downs. We've been married for 18 years and there have been times when I've been on the verge of packing a bag and buggering off.

The reason I haven't is that I remind myself of all the times he's been completely supportive, that he's invariably kind and is only rarely an irritating little tit. I defy anyone who's been married for more than a few years to say, hand on heart, that they haven't been tempted at least once to call it a day.

I didn't realise just how bad my DSis's marriage to her ex was, although I knew they argued a lot as she admit as much. But I remember being at a social function with them and my DH noticed that they didn't acknowledge each other all evening. They split up 2 weeks later.

Later she confided in me that he was actually violent towards her, but she was so worn down that she defended him if ever I expressed support for her and criticism of him. She knows the truth of it now and has a lovely DH she's been married to for 10 years now.

i read the link and it just looks the usual filler you get on the web, however, my mum used to do wedding catering with a friend in the 80s and she said you could usually tell who was happy and going to stay together and who wasn't that fussed!
mind you, someone at my wedding said it would last 6 months - been married for 28. ( not always easy mind you)
plus, its stressful organising a wedding - by the time you get to the actual day some people are just frazzled by it all and guests and inlaws can make it all so tricky as well. mine did, more stress!!

I once mused to myself to people stay for the infrastructure once the relationship has gone.

Yep, that seems to me what goes on. People keep up the pretence of a relationship so they don't have to split assets, deal with shared childcare, etc etc etc.

I heard of a couple who got married in secret, or at least didn't invite the groom's mother. She heard about it / found out about it third hand, by chance two or three years after the wedding. No idea why they married in secret then kept it secret. Apparently, on visits to his parents, as a married couple, they still didn't say anything.

However, it didn't last. Breakdown of trust was cited as the reason for the marriage ending. He was more interested in his x-box, and, feeling neglected she found attention elsewhere.

The thing about massive physical attraction but nothing else is spot on. I once went on an outdoorsy holiday with a group of ex university friends and their partners - and it was clear one couple had got together, and indeed married, on the back of overwhelming physical attraction, but (while that was still there) it was clear they had nothing in common - he wanted to go for 15 mile hikes in dodgy weather, she wanted to drive to the nearest town and go clothes shopping. And it was also clear from the bickering that these differences were going to grow and grow till no amount of good sex could compensate.

My Mum's red flag is a couple who have been together a long time (say 5+ years) before getting married. Her theory is they've just done it because it's the next thing and it was that or break up. The next thing they try is breaking up. I've seen this play out a few times.

One couple I knew would beak up it was because one of them just wanted to organise a wedding, the identity of the groom was secondary. They didn't last the year.

Another couple I was pretty sure would break up, they'd done long distance right up to getting married. Both pursued their own goals and they never seemed to overlap. They didn't last the year either.

Its the ones that get divorced after 25 years + of marriage - that has happened to so many people i know lately, all late 40s early 50s. i know its hard going and many wait till the kids are older etc, but to have been married that long then go through all the divorce and starting again with buying a place and everything is rough too. some people i know without children seem to fair better too - less stress i suppose.
in hindsight, dh and i dont have anything in common at all and still don't. its amazing we have lasted this long!

Me and DH didn't live together before we got married and we only knew each other for 5 months! Been very happily married for almost 40 years now.

I agree with another poster that your husband/wife should be your best friend. Quite a few of my friends said their husbands were not their best friends - they are all divorced now.

I also think couples who don't discuss things like whether they want children are likely to split up. I know of 3 couples who once married found one of them wanted children and the other didn't. All divorced now too

Thinking about couples i know who got divorced and the apparent reasons for it:

1. Friend who seemed to want a husband to be a father to her existing child (from earlier relationship) and future children. She had two more children and lost interest in him - it was as if he had served his purpose.
2. Friends daughter who got married very young and was obsessed with having a big wedding and playing house, then having children. She was annoyed that her husband didn't earn enough to keep her in the manner she had become accustomed to by her wealthy father. They split up while their youngest was a baby and her father bought her a house, pays private school fees and holidays (which he wouldn't while she was still married). Again it feels a bit like the husband served his purpose.
3. Two couples where one of the couple felt that life should always be exciting and attraction to your partner should be electric. Each (one time the man, three other time the woman) got bored with family life, was vocal about it, then was unfaithful and instigated a divorce.
4. Different views on how to manage finances, particularly where there was different earning power.
5. One partner not being able to cope written special needs child.

The one about photography is just weird and self-centered on the part of the photographer. Obviously the bride had more going on than not wanting to be photographed! And that of course the photographer thinks the non-photo lover should suck it up in favour of the photo lover!

My fiance and I won't be bothering with a photographer, so we'll have to do without the benefit of their opinions! I'm sure after almost 11 years we've got this worked out for ourselves.

Wedding singer here- many years in the trade. Honestly- the bigger the wedding the shorter the marriage. Every time. I've sang at barn dances in a field where the couple spent a few quid and are besotted years later, and huge stately homes where everyone and their dog is invited and it's all about the wedding, not the marriage.

The worst one was a couple who divorced 6 years later... Still paying the wedding debts off. The had divorce and wedding payments at the same time (I stay in touch with lots of clients for testimonials/networking etc, it is a very word of mouth type job)

Death us do part was made up when folk didn't live as long! now you could be married for 60 plus years and you get all the ' less for murder' jokes. My parents were married for 60 years and my in laws will be 68 years soon ( unhappy for 67 of that though!) at least dh and I try to have a laugh and grin and bear it all. its not easy though and i can see why people split up - i really can see both sides sometimes.
Lots of people are very unreasonable and will not give and take as well.
someone I know is going through a divorce, but she would never admit any of it was her fault at all. yet she was unreasonable and horrible to him and not entirely the innocent party, had an EA etc but no, it was all him! ( maybe it was, but i am sceptical in this case) My old neighbours are not together and that surprised me as thought they would be together for life. you never can tell.

When I was younger a couple we knew separated shortly before their golden wedding anniversary . They were obviously of an age where divorce was frowned on and they stayed together for the kids, the look of it etc. He had various affairs and finally decided to leave his wife after all that time. They didn't divorce but he married OW after his wife's death.

The one about “living together for over 5 years before getting married” doesn’t always apply. I’m a feminist who was always anti marriage as a patriarchal control thing, my partner was a laid back hippy type, and we moved in together at 19 years old.
5 years later, he wrote off our car in an accident and we couldn’t afford to replace it. In those days, you got a whole year’s tax rebate if you married just before the end of the financial year. So, reluctantly, we spent £13 on a licence and had a register office wedding with 2 witnesses, bought a car with the tax rebate, hid the marriage certificate in a drawer and remained happily married (with two kids) until his tragically early death 16 years later. We never celebrated anniversaries, we celebrated the day we met instead. I still grieve him - he was my soulmate, best friend and the love of my life.

I've heard it said that couples who make a big deal out of each other split up. Couples who are, 'custom and practice' with each other stay together. OK, cite habit if you like.

I never used to understand why couples who had been together for, say, 40 years would split up.

It turns out she says, 'I have picked up after you for 40 years and I want a bit of peace in my retirement.' He says, 'I have listened to you nag me for 40 years and I want a bit of peace in my retirement.'

I once read it on MN: do you stay for the sake of the kids or leave for the sake of the kids ?

Yikes.. I spent most of my wedding reception on the dance floor with my girlfriends as the playlist was pretty much wall-to-wall 90s pop which isn't too DH's taste.

DH spent a good couple of hours of the reception playing poker.

We're doomed, clearly